In responding to some of your posts I’ve talked about my widow friend before. the one who lost her husband of 49 years about 5 years ago. She has a boyfriend now. And your post describes how he reacts perfectly. One time he was out of town and he knew that this particular day was going to be a bad day for my friend and asked me if I’d just call and check in with her. No threat, no ego, no fear about what her love for her dead husband might mean to him. Just love for her.

Beautiful article Michele. I would also be curious to know some of the difficulties of being in a relationship post loss.

This is a topic I know a little something about, and at the same time, I know very little.  In other words, I watched my mother go through it, but I understand that truly knowing takes being there yourself. 

When my father died he left my mother pregnant with two small children.  It was obviously not easy, but with the help of family, she managed. 

About two years later, she met a man and they occasionally talked.  One day this man told her that they would marry.  My mother told him he was insane.  He told her, "I’ll wait".  And he did.  That man became my dad and he was all of those things that you mentioned in the article and more. 

He understood that my father’s family was still important to us (and vice-versa) and as we spent time with them, he became a member of their family as well. 

He opened his heart and we reciprocated.  He was patient, strong, loving, and understanding. He understood that there was enough love in our hearts for him as well.  Congratulations to you Michele, it sounds like you’ve found a man with a good heart as well.

You asked whether you can afford to love and fear loss again. This is something we all risk.  I loved only to have my husband leave me for another woman.  I swore I’d never trust or love again.  Believe me, it is better to live life with love. 

After my divorce, my mother once told me that she thought that divorce was worse than being a widow (her own opinion).  The loss of her husband was great, but at least she knew that he loved her - leaving was not his choice.  She still had his love and to have lost him and his love would have been devasatating to her.  She has been loved by two wonderful men in her life, but has never known the true loss of love.   She still feels my father’s love, just as she still feels the love of my Dad who is still beside her, because he still allows her to think of my father fondly if she chooses to.   

One last thing, slightly different tack - I have remarried and my wonderful husband and I have spoken on occasion about what we would do if we ever lost the other.  We have no problem with the other remarrying, we wish happiness for the other, but he has made me promise something - something that I had never considered before, but in today’s society, it is something I suppose we must consider.  If I ever fall in love again, I am sworn to keep my money completely separate.  He wants to know that I am taken care of throughout my life via life insurance, etc., but the thought that some charlatan might come along and bilk me out of my savings,  leaving me destitute into my old age truly scares him.  He knows that I am fairly smart with money, but he also knows that I am empathetic and sensitive - he is afraid that someone will take advantage of me while I am in mourning.  I made the promise…

I truly understand Katydidwells what you are saying.  I lost my husband of 40 years a few years ago.  I have never remarried because I felt I could not replace the person who was such a good husband and father.  And I was not young like you. Fortunately you found someone wonderful

When my husband was first ill he said something to me that shocked me for a moment.  He said and meant it.," I hoped we would live a long time and you would die first because you would have no one to care for you".  We talked about it and he was generally concerned about me and not about his own imminent death. Now many years have passed and I really understand where he was coming from.  It’s been a good life. Better when he was here with us. But he would be satisfied and I hope he knows.

Wise, loving man, KatyDid Wells. You are lucky to have him, and may the two of you be together for many, many years.

I think it is wonderful that those who have lost husbands can find another love that allows them to still love their dead husbands.  I believe that it is much more socially acceptable, people are reluctant to tell a widow to "get over it already".  On May 24 of this year my "pseudo" boyfriend died unexpectedly in his sleep.  He died of complications from a seizure.  I say pseudo because at first he was a friend who needed a place to stay when he wasn’t traveling for work, therefore he moved into my spare room.  He then started having severe medical problems, when he ended up in the ICU 3 years ago this week, I went to be there for him.  I said to the nurse I was his roommate, and she said that I was his "girlfriend". Only family and significatant other are allowed in ICU.  From that moment on My spare room became his room, and whenever we had to take him to the ER or call the paramedics, I was his "girlfriend".  Because of his medical problems, I felt it was best that we never officially defined our relationship in those terms.  We had many discussions about it.  After another long stay in ICU, and the hospitalist keeping me out of the "medical loop" His primary physician advise him to make me POA for healthcare.  Although I would say I was his gf when he was in the hospital, I never believed I could lay claim to that title because we didn’t have the typical bf/gf relationship.  I discovered when he died that eventhough he never said it to me, he always refered to me as his gf.  I took care of him medically, financially, emotionally for the last 2 years of his life, he took care of me emotionally and spiritually.  In spite of his medical problems he always took the trash out and did the dishes and pumped my gas for me.  It truly was the little things that counted.  I know I am not a widow, and I can’t understand the profound loss of a widow, nor was I a girlfriend in the sense what society thinks of as a gf.  (He and I never had a sexual relationship, but we did have an affectionate one.)  Because of this those around me seem to believe that I should "be over it all ready" I mean come on, it wasn’t as if you were married or dating.  I worry that I will not be able to find a new "love" who will allow me to honor him and our "pseudo" marriage.  When will it be okay, and how do I define this that is acceptable to society?

Hi Dawn, First, I am sorry for your loss. Losing someone you have loved and cared for is painful regardless of how you have defined your relationship. The fact that you were in a caring partnership is apparent to me, and I believe that the label "pseudo" only applies if you think it does. What you lost is love, and anyone who comes to love you in the future will understand that no label fits every form of grief. My advice is to honor your loss, and to be open to the possibility that love comes in many forms, and may visit at the most unexpected times.

Thank you Anais P, I agree - he is both wise and loving. 

I also hope to have him around for many years, but I have always thought myself to be a bit more paranoid than most when it comes to this topic.  Though I try to hide it (lest I seem like a crazy woman) I worry about losing my husband every time he walks out the door.  I never let him leave without saying I love him and always have a little thought cross my mind, "what if this is the last time I see him, am I satisfied with our parting?"  I  know we love each other and there is no unfinished business between us, but there is just an old fear that rises up that tells me that it could all be gone within an instant.  It’s like we’re too happy and it scares me.  I’m sure it sounds morose, but it’s just an old habit by now and my husband is even used to the dance.  When he travels, he calls when he boards and lands and he calls when he is safely in his hotel - he doesn’t mind. 

I suspect I know the reasons I do this.  One, as I said before, my mother was a widow at a young age - my father died prior to my birth so I’ve always known about the possibility of death.  Second, as a teenager, I watched a terrible accident near my home.  I was the only person standing alongside of the road when this happened and I was the first to hear the man’s tortured pleas for help immediately afterward.  As it turned out, we knew the family and the man survived a short time after the accident, paralyzed.  I’ll always remember the words of his wife as she stared ahead blankly, "he only went out for a gallon of milk…"  Something in me clicked and I knew I’d never be the same. 

I hope I’ll have my husband with me until we’re both old and gray, and my wish is for a day when we’re both over 100, sitting on rockers on our front porch, holding hands, when we peacefully die together, but alas, I know life just doesn’t work that way.  I suppose instead, we all should just cherish whatever love we do have in our lives. 

Katywon, I’m sincerely sorry for your loss.  How wonderful for you though that you had 40 years with such a good man.  I’m sure you’ve made a fine life for yourself - I’m also sure it took great strength - your husband would be proud.

Loss is an inevitable part of life.  Knowing that may not make coping any easier, but I’ll say one thing - with so many poor marriages in the world today, we can consider ourselves very fortunate.

Thank you for your kind words, they are greatly appreciated!  I have considered joining a suport group, but the ones in my area are geared towards defined losses.  I believe that I don’t qualify to be in a "widow" group, because I feel that I would offend those who have lost husbands, afterall we werent married.  And he wasn’t my sibling, nor my parent, nor my child, so sometimes I feel lost.  I also don’t know how to convey the grief I am suffering from without having to go into a long explaination.  I don’t want to represent myself as something I wasn’t.  I guess I am saying that I never thought my grief would still be so profound 6 months after his passing.  Although I know that part of my grief is not just for the loss of Sean, but also for my grandmother who died 6 weeks after him, the day after what would’ve been Sean’s 37th birthday.  I guess I am wondering when the good memories of him will make me smile instead of cry.