It’s wonderful that you are making the move toward sharing love with another again. That action in no way diminishes the love that you shared with your husband. In fact, I would agree that your previous success with love is what inspires you to risk it again.

What is disturbing is your fear of others judging you about a new relationship. From many articles I’ve read and discussions I’ve heard the overwhelming message is that our culture handles grief miserably at all of its phases, so who cares about the reactions/opinions of those who are in the ‘arrested development’ group when it comes to grief and mourning?!

Best to you and your new relationship!

Good for you Michelle. I wish only the very best for your new relationship.

My sister passed away a few years ago. Her husband of 24 years remarried within the next year. It was a little hard at first, especially for my 2 nieces and nephew. Once we had time to get to know his new wife, it all seemed like it was meant to happen. I still consider him my brother-in-law, and now I feel like his wife is my family too. She is a very sweet and caring person that fulfilled a gap in his life.

I know that if my sister was still alive, they would still be married. I also know that my sister would have wanted him to continue on with his life and be happy.

I agree that some people just need to be married.

I met one of my best friends five years ago at a meeting for women motorcycle riders. We were standing out by our bikes chatting when she said that she’d lost her husband to cancer two years earlier. I’m not sure how i responded but whatever it was she hugged me and said thank you and mentioned that most people thought she should be "over it" by now. She’d been with her husbadn 49 years. They had a passionate and she’d never wished for another one. On a different day when we were stopped on our motorcycles at a little biker bar eating a burger I asked her what she thought about dating again and she said that she didn’t really think about it but boy would she like to get laid. I knew we’d be friends then. Another year or so went by and we were out with a group dancing one night. She went home with a single friend of ours in his fifties (robbing the cradle she said). A good looking guy who shared a lot of interests with her. I watched for another year while she kept her new boyfriend secret from her grown kids and her old friends afraid they’d believe she was betraying thier dad, their friend and the love of her love. My take was "screw them". She’d loved till the end and lost at death do us part and if her boy toy made her happy they could just deal. She took my advice. No one felt betrayed. And her boy toy enjoys the stories of her husband and their life together. And i’m soooo happy for her.

What a wonderful article Michele, kudos to you.

And more importantly kudos for being honest and true to yourself and allowing love to enter your life again.  I made a huge faux pas’ a few months ago in a discussion with an acquaintance on the subject of loving again after a spouse’s death. In my usual "finding the deep meaning in subjects" way, I equated the loss of her husband with the loss I have felt from past relationships that ended. Explaining that the grief she feels is somewhat the same as the pain I felt when my relationships came to an end.

To her credit she spoke up and (rightly so) corrected me. They are like water and oil. To have someone you love die, is a far more hurtful and mournful experience. He is no longer there for you to talk to, hold hands with, make love to or simply be with - even if you could. He is gone. And you as the surviving spouse are left with only memories. So to all the other women who have lost a spouse, friend and confidante all rolled up in one, my heart goes out to you. Those who are like me can intellectualize what your are experiencing, but we will never truly understand the depths of despair you may have.

Most of my clients are dealing with grief issues. After all, it is impossible to escape this life without losses. But I continue to be shocked by how many people don’t know how to deal with grief and who intellectualize it instead of honoring the emotional impact it has on our lives. Thanks for this article, Michele. 

Susan Gabriel

Michele,

I enjoyed this article. I am intrigued to hear about your process of healing from the loss of Phil. My grandmother who has survived two husbands has shared with me what she feels got her through hard times; always be true to yourself and be able to admit you are human and have human needs which can be grand things such as help with house projects or emotional needs such as wanting love and companionship in your life. Her comments helped me with little problems in my life (I say little since I have not had a loss such as you). Keep on writing Michele your an inspiration to many.

Hi Frannie!

My friend just turned 70 this year and she has a good thing going. She doesn’t want anything heavy or serious. They see each other on average a couple times a month. They have a GREAT time together. He’s 54 and HOT lol! She’s done a great job over the last few years of figuring out how to have romance and sex and all of that without feeling like she’s betraying her husband of 49 years. I mean FORTY NINE YEARS. And they had an excellent marriage. Hard times yes. But incredible compatibility.

Why should anyone care what anyone else says when you are the  widowed one? Do anything to get your happiness back as long as you don’t hurt anyone. Like take another person’s spouse.

(Of course, if you do that, that means that person wasn’t happy in the first person. However, it doesn’t make it right. Wait until they get divorced.)

Chromie

She is 70 and he is 54!  I love it.  What a way to go.  She sounds like she has a great attitude.  My friend I spoke of above lives alone, and she gets tired of it sometimes, but doesn’t want someone there all the time.  I understand it well.