My mother was excellent at managing money. She knew how to stretch a dollar and get the best quality for her money. She also felt if you did not respect her you did not deserve her money. She had no problem with leaving a shop. She asked lots of questions. Why? Because she wanted to know in detail what her money was getting her. She did comparison shopping and was conscious of her spending style long before it was "en vogue."

I paid close attention and have inherited my mother’s ‘pocketbook savvy."

Thanks Stacey for another interesting and informative article. I always look forward to your articles. I wanted to get in my appreciation before I continued with my response.

Our financial survival demands that we be savvy, wise and educated consumers!

Women must continue to demand equal pay for equal work! … It’s also very important in relationships to have an equal partnership. Both parties should know the family finances in detail! … There should be no sudden surprises on the death of a spouse.

"Don’t Pitch The Bitch" is degrading and insulting! … I would hope that if a male and female walked into an office and the man was clearly being addressed that the male would speak-up. I would hope he would say something like "Excuse  me they’re two of us here." "There will be no don’t pitch the bitch going on here!" They could always leave and find a business that respected its clients.

Ladies is there an equivalent "Don’t Pitch The Bastard?"

Ah, you’ve touched on a very serious subject. I, too, was taught by my immigrant mother how to stretch a penny, and we also bargained in my culture. Women, like my mother, knew everything that was happening on the financial front in our home. And, she, too, worked alongside my father in a small store, and knew how to save. When shopping, she’d go to the ladies’ room or finesse removing a tied handkerchief nestling in her brassiere where she kept additional funds, if needed. It was called a "knipple," which meant knot, and it came in handy whenever she and I discovered an item that we had not planned to purchase. Somehow, my mother knew how to squeeze out the necessary pennies and dollars without jeopardizing our tight budget.

And, at 18 I was self-supporting, not well paid, but, if we are not well paid, we are even more knowledgable and careful with our funds. Those who expect higher earnings are often careless in spending.

 With all that mentioned, while married I had an experience when I was "the bitch" in an encounter in my home when a life insurance agent pitched his spiel to my husband at the dining room table while I sat in the living room. I deliberately sat there after not being invited to join them.  Their airy coversation continued, and because I knew that my husband, who was an economist and mathematician who did not enjoy coping with mundane matters like budgets and sales,I waited for the right moment to join them, making sure it was dramatic and that the salesman understood his behavior was ill-advised. Somehow, the 2 men had become buddies in a few moments, but the "bitch" interrupted their game. I told the insurance man we weren’t interested in his offer. I hope that this greedy salesman learned something, because I did inroduce myself as the gal who wasn’t "the little woman."

Since then, I’ve jokingly introduced this topic in women’s conversations, at lunch when I’d ask whether they’re carrying their own check book, and on other topics related to money. A woman friend and I ended our long friendship which started at the age of 13 when she visited my home when I had invited my women friends to a brunch to celebrate my retirement. My longtime friend pitched her problem to them: She was widowed, and was going to live with her new suitor, and he insisted she sell her condo and buy an expensive house with him in the southwest. She was terrified because she had no savings and a very small mismanaged pension, as well as a low Social Security benefit though she had worked during her entire married life. Privately, I had cautioned her, and the other women, with different backgrounds and experiences, all chimed in that she should protect herself, no matter what. Since she aimed to replace her deceased husband, I also had told her to make certain that if she lived with someone she had to be able to afford their lifestyle—in the event of his death or departure, something she resented being told.

 She had a history of delegating money matters to her spenthrift husband who left debts and bills tucked in drawers, and he had taken out a 2nd mortgage without her understanding what she was signing. During that last weekend visit,  I figured out the message she could convey to her lover, that funds from a condo sale would go to her children, for she had nothing else to give them.

 Several days after she returned home, she sent me a scathing letter. According to her, my women friends had mocked her and made her feel inferior and foolish! And, of course, she was doing exactly as the new guy in her life requested. I gave up—-for good.

I have to confess that I’ve made my own mistakes handling money at times, and I hold myself responsible. In the US, women are supposed to be stupid in math, which is irrational and untrue, and whenever I meet another woman who is adept with figures and manages her own funds, whether married or not, I truly respect her. In most cases, we outlive the men in our lives, so why leave money matters to them, or anyone else?

And, of course, we have to fight for equitable salaries, don’t we!

(As for adapting to the recession, I’ve written a long response, but suggest asking someone who grew up in the Depression for clues. We learned the very hard way, and never undertook those  inflated and expensive mortgages and extravagant lifestyles—another important topic!)  

"Don’t Pitch the Bitch" I love it. I was never taught anything about money growing up. We were very poor. I never had respect for money. I hated what it does to people that have it, and to people that don’t have it. But, gee, finally at age 55, I am learning ! About time

Bonita Sponsler

Well, L. C., we were both lucky to have smart mothers. Mine came from a wealthy family, but a frugal one. Her father taught her early on about how to manage her money. She handled all the finances, bought and sold stocks, and taught me how to save and spend wisely. My husband and I always make joint decisions on everything financial, although he is much more concentrated on managing our portfolio than I. 

I agree with the degrading and insulting coinage. How about the equivalent, "Don’t pitch the Dick"? 

I have always been impulsive but keep a close eye on finances.  When I was 23, my old car broke down again on the side of the road on a scorching summer day.  I knew there was a car dealership of some type about two miles up the road.  I started walking.  Drenched with sweat, I walked onto the show room floor and announced, "I want to buy a car".

Six salesmen stood there, mouths open wide.  What was this? A young woman without a man buying a car????  

Made a sweet deal, too. I still smile at the memory. 

I temporarily broke my rule for having my hand in all our finances.  My husband wanted to start a business, and the finances freaked me out.  It was way to risky for my sense of security.  It’s been 5 years, and during this time, he and I made an agreement that he would handle the finances to spare me the stress, and that he promised to not jeapordize our family.

I would check in with him regularly to make sure we were on track, and he’d tell me we were making progress, but not necessarily financially.  I’d have nightmares.  It’s only been in the last 6 months that we’ve hit the tipping point and the money is starting to flow, and he’s become busier and more caught up with other aspects of the business so it is the perfect time for me to be re-involving myself.  

It’s no wonder that people get divorced over these things.  It’s been a roller coaster, but I think we are through the worst of things, at least in the short term. 

Stacey, I enjoyed visiting your website.  We have our kids earning almost all their own money, and then be responsible for almost all of their "wants" outside of presents and special ocassions.

 I remember that our daughter asked me to buy her something in the store.  I responded by saying, "Don’t you have money?"  She replied: "I don’t want to waste my money on that crap."

I looked at her astounded, "Oh, but you want me to waste my money on that crap?"  And I laughed.  She got the message.

My bigger concern in that most adults don’t understand that money doesn’t magically appear for government to spend. The math is irrational, and originate in the lack of critical thinking and economic skills in the young.   

Growing up, money in my family was managed by both parents.  Both my parents grew up dirt poor and they were both determined to give their children something more.  For many years, they’ve worked with a financial advisor who respects my mother as much as my father - I remember seeing the three of them sitting around the kitchen table, all three asking, answering, and discussing.  At first glance, many would underestimate my mother, but my, that would be a serious error - she’s tiny, but she’s mighty!  ;-)

I’m sure my attitude towards finance comes from my parents - they not only taught by example, but lessons about money and the value of a dollar were common.  I handle all of the day-to-day issues (bill paying, research, etc.) and when it’s time for the big decisions, my husband steps up and we discuss it together.   

I’d heard the saying "don’t pitch the bitch" and have seen it in action on more than one occasion - insurance agents, financial planners, mortgage brokers… I’d like to think of this as more old school, but I suppose old attitudes die hard. 

I can remember when I was buying my last car -my husband accompanied me.  As each salesman approached he was told that this was to be MY car and I explained what I wanted.  Nearly everytime, the salesman would shift his focus to my husband.  At one of the last dealerships we visited, the scenario played out once again and it was my husband who simply said, "I don’t know why you’re talking to me, ask her, it’s her car and her you’ll have to convince if you want a sale!"  The salesman tumbled over his tongue a bit, but finally shifted his focus back to me - although if I were to state something I didn’t like about a vehicle, he’d look to my husband and pitch it to him in more detail, as if the "little woman" needed convincing.  Again, old attitudes do die hard, I guess we’ll just have to keep hitting our heads against the same wall until we break through… no problem for me, I have a hard head!

As soon as I married my first husband in 1972 he put me on his checking account so I could handle the money, he wanted no part of it. We made decisons jointly on major purchases but I was mostly in charge and I’m very conservative when it comes to money. I got my fair share when we divorced.

Marriage No 2 was short lived and a total disaster- he was very controlling in all aspects and I was glad to pay him some of my money to escape.

So on the first date with my current husband I stated- "if I ever get married again my money is my own and I keep my name". He actually asked me out again and we did marry and I have kept my name. I didn’t even put him on the checking account until we had been married for a few years and after the birth of our son I realized it would be nice if he could do the grocery shopping every now and then. I put him on the account and guess whose name is on the top of the checks- yeah, his (This was before debit cards- remember those days?). He defers to me on all the finances. We jointly make decisions on big purchases, gosh even groceries are now big purchases, but I am the budget director of the family. As long as he has gas money, and can keep his computers and games habit fed, he’s a happy man. His parents had no common sense for finances and he has inherited those genes. My dad was financially conservative and so am I.

I can’t actually recall if salesmen etc. ever ignored me and solely focused on my spouse. It probably happened all the time, I just wasn’t aware and don’t remember. Or it could be that I asked enough questions that I made myself be noticed.