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ListenUp | 08/03/2009 11:00 pm

How to Be a Happier Woman, by Jean Chatzky

By Jean Chatzky

Editor’s note: An award-winning journalist, author and motivational speaker, Jean Chatzky needs no introduction. As a financial editor for NBC’s "Today Show," Chatzky offers savvy advice on managing money and wealth. Her latest book, The Difference, provides simple strategies for a prosperous financial future. Visit her blog at JeanChatzky.com.

Pets.

Food.

Sex.

Michael Silverstein, co-author of the upcoming book Women Want More, asked thousands of women: What makes you happy? Those are the top answers.

Pets.

Food.

Sex.

Not loving spouses. Fabulous children. Interesting work. Or a bank account full of cash.

Pets.

Food.

Sex.

I got a sneak peek at the book and Silverstein’s thought process when we touched base earlier this week. And so I asked him: What’s the deal?

"Women are overburdened by all the responsibilities around them. They have a time challenge," he explained. "So when they think about their daydream it doesn’t involve their children or their husbands or – anything else that might be another drain on that time." It’s not that women don’t love their children or their spouses, he went on to say, but rather that when almost everything in your life represents a potential time-suck (my term, not his), when you have the opportunity to fantasize you tend to focus on you and the things that give back to you without asking much in return. Thus: Pets. Food. Sex.

The intersection between money and happiness has always been fascinating to me. A Roper study I commissioned in 2002 for my book The Ten Commandments of Financial Happiness showed that once you have enough money to live comfortably (pay your rent, put food on the table, take a vacation once in a while), more money doesn’t buy more happiness. What does boost happiness and optimism? More control over the money that you have – and more control over your life in general.

Silverstein’s new work backs that up. He and his colleagues document a typical woman’s "V-Curve of Happiness." When we’re young, single and right out of college, we may not have much in terms of money but we also don’t have much in terms of responsibility. Our time and our resources are our own. At that point, he says, we’re "peak happy." Then we get married. And we lose ten hours of our discretionary time – per week – to, as Silverstein puts it, our "first child" – i.e., the husband. Have a baby? There go another 22 hours. So now you’re down 32 hours. Where does that time come from? For most of us, not from work outside the home … or in it. The groceries still need to be purchased. The counters to be cleaned. No, confirms Silverstein, it comes from taking shorter showers, not having drinks with the girls and less sleep. Is it any surprise we’re less happy?

But here’s the amazing thing: That V Curve doesn’t right itself, Silverstein notes, until those beloved offspring are actually out of the house. Yes, you read that right. Decide to marry and then to breed and you’re looking at two-plus decades of subpar glee.

Unacceptable.

So, although I continue to believe that more money doesn’t buy more happiness, perhaps you can spend your way out of these doldrums. It seems to me that the key to finding happiness with life beyond your beloved cockapoo, a nicely charred porterhouse and the occasional tumble in the sheets has to do with using your financial resources (despite the fact that they’re likely a bit more limited than they used to be) to add time – rather than things – to your day. That $100 may be much better spent on someone to help with the cleaning, the cooking, even the homework, than on yet another pair of ballet flats. I, for one, am going to give it a try.

7 Reader Comments (so far…) Sign In or Register to comment

Definitely believe money spent having someone else clean the house is money well spent! Although I do have a couple of friends who insist housecleaning is relaxing for them — not so for me, I haven’t cleaned my own house for 30+ years. I love coming home to a freshly cleaned house — the ladies who clean my house have a lot of pride in their work and do such a great job.

By MK P on 08/04/2009 6:53 am

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Housework = relaxation? Also not for me! Looking forward to having someone come in to clean - right now I enjoy the fact that my daughter cleans the bathroom weekly and takes care of the kitchen every evening after dinner.

I think the ‘pets, food, sex’ really translates into ‘unconditional affection, special treats, romance’. A little of each of those goes a long way to make a woman (or at least this one) happy!

By Green Tears on 08/04/2009 9:11 am

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Yes! I used to clean houses when I was in school and the women I worked for were unbelievably grateful and kind to me. They often left me thank you notes and little gifts. I look back on those days with pleasure. I loved organizing my time and seeing the work DONE. Especially when I was working on a paper or project in school that challenged me.

I later went on to own a cleaning company for a few years and employed many amazing women. One was an engineer from China who was upgrading her skills so she would work here. Another was a student. Another was a singer. Another was an unemployed relative we just could not get a break in life.

After a while I closed that business and moved on to work in film and tv and then into education. I own Schoolcreative, an acting and writing school in Vancouver (www.schoolcreative.com). It’s an inspiring job and I love it but I notice I get the same satisfaction from the thank you cards I get as a teacher that I did as a cleaner. It gives me pleasure to serve others and to affect someone’s life in a positive way. Sure, it’s more glamorous when my actors book a series or a movie but it was surprising and very touching when women would leave me flowers, perfume, chocolate etc. when all I had done was laundry and dishes. I knew it meant I had given more than the clean house. I gave them a little freedom.

By Kirsten Clarkson on 08/04/2009 9:11 am

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To "add time" to your day here’s some ideas. 1) learn to say no. and i mean to a LOT. quit thinking that everytime someone asks you to do something you have to say yes 2) have some expectations that people around you are as responsbile for the clean house, meals on the table, doctors appointments etc.. as you are. yes that means your husband. or your older children. or even any child old enough to pour milk or put toys away. when my kids were at home we split the chore lists every weekend into thirds. when they argued about it i told them "I’m not your maid". now that they are grown they love telling that story 3) quit saying "should" to yourself. The bed SHOULD be made every day. the counters SHOULD be clean. blah blah blah. who the hell SAYS these things are necessary.

If you don’t have time for yourself and the things you care about then you are doing more than your share in your life and you have to many "shoulds". What happens to women in their child bearing home making years is they think they are the only ones who can do anything and theyu think everything reflects on them as people. god forbid that counter isn’t cleaned. i’m a bad bad mommy. screw that.

By Chrome Toe on 08/04/2009 9:40 am

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Hello,

Ask yourself what is important to you right now? If your home was on fire right now, (and everyone was safe) what would you grab to dash out of the house with. May sound a bit brutal, but I have just had one of those "ah" moments, which I wish to share. Yes we are in the middle of a horrible world wide recession, people are losing their homes, their lifestyles, their jobs.

I am lucky that I have a strong network, but I am very aware that this is not the case for all. Please if you have family members or friends who have lost their job, or about to lose their homes, please spare some time and perhaps take them out for a cup of tea (sorry I’m British) or a coffee. Just 30 mins away from "their nightmare" could be just the boost they need. I sadly have too many friends and former work colleagues who have been made redundant, but I have made a point to keep in contact and once in a while take them out for an hour or 2. I just called one of my friends to arrange a "tea and catch up" and she said to me, that it was the highlight of her week, as she now had something to look forward too. I was so shocked by this, that it made me think. There was me, wishing I could do more to help, and here was my friend saying that by simply providing a temporary escape, allowed her think about something other than trying to find a new job and the constant reminder of her current situation.

Also, ladies (and gents!) and here is my Ah! moment, we are all intelligent people. We are capable to working out that half the money we spend is just wasted. For instance that new face cream that claims to take years away from you, is a myth. Yet we all fall for it. And do you really need another dress, when you have a wardrobe full of them, that you never wear? I have a solution - let’s look at our lives and our homes and list 100 things you honestly can not live without. If (like me LOL) you have more than one little black dress, get rid of them. Sell them, or give them away to a good cause. Stop that magazine order, if you are reading this, you have access to the internet, so why add to the over used landfill? The average person only really needs a few items to live comfortably. Hopefully if you get rid of all the unwanted, unused stuff, you will have a little extra emergency income, in case you are unlucky and lose your job, and plus you will have a few pounds or dollars to take out your family or friends for a little light relief if they have lost their jobs. We need to support each other at this time and to look at our own lives and ask, what things do I really, truly need? I need to know that my friends and family are OK, and if it means taking them out once in a while and offering some support and comfort, then so be it. I really do not need 3 little black dresses, none of which I like! Things do not make us happy - other people do!

Thanks

By Elle L on 08/04/2009 5:34 pm

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Right On Elle. I had the same AH moment. Mine came upon when I realized that it would be awhile before my husband found another job after being "surplussed". Since we are now down to 1 income and 3 dependent children (all now college students, including the spouse) I had to wonder, what could we do without. I am amazed at how I can now pass up a new pair of shoes or do with the outfits I already have hanging in the closet and not buying a new suit when the weather changes. I have always been a thrift store shopper as I raised 4 girls and prom dresses could have been what lead to my financial demise.

We do not frequent the movie theater as much, cancelled the HBO and Showtime, but took on Netflix, works out well. We spend more time relaxing at the pool now than we did before. We spend a little more on a water machine, but less on soda. Dessert has been cut back and the amount of food on our plates has significantly decreased, funny how these changes have caused us to lose some weight.

Ok so back to the article. As I was reading it I was not surprized that husbands and children were not in the top 3. When your husband (most men) doesn’t understand the steps to cleaning a kitchen and you have draw a picture, it seems easier to clean it yourself. I put a lot of time into teaching my daugthers how to cook, clean up after themselves, do laundry, thoroughly clean a bathroom and to care for their pets, in hopes that when they got older they would help me out. I was a bit disappointed, I believe the husband had more influence in his way of cleaning. But I did grow very close to the pets as I was caring for them. I also enjoyed being tired, hungry and ragged from caring for my daughters. I assumed that the pay off would be when they became women and we could have more of a friendship. Now my daughters are out of the house and on their own with busy lives and they will pass on spending time with me to catch up on their sleep. Go figure!

By Jane Rogers on 08/07/2009 4:23 pm