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ListenUp | 07/15/2009 11:00 pm

Is Women’s Style of Networking Hurting Us? by Catherine Kaputa

By Catherine Kaputa

Editor’s Note: Catherine Kaputa is a brand strategist, speaker and the founder of SelfBrand LLC, a NYC-based personal branding firm. Her newest book is The Female Brand: Using the Female Mindset to Succeed in Business. Click here to go to the book’s website. Her previous book, U R a Brand! How Smart People Brand Themselves for Business Success , won the Ben Franklin Award for Best Career Book, 2007. Click here for more.

Women are born networkers. After all, at its core, networking is about connecting with other people, and that’s something women excel at. Connecting is in our DNA.

Given that we have the social gene, I’ve been surprised in my work as a coach and the research I did for my new book, The Female Brand, that women often don’t have an expansive network – yet men do. We women tend to favor deep relationships with a group of close friends, a preference evolutionary scientists trace back to our roots as family caretakers and home keepers. We also see the preference for close, intense relationships in playground studies. Most girls tend to pair up and play one-on-one or with a small group, while boys are more likely to play with a series of different mates and play with a larger group. Later, when female hormones kick in, the preference for intimate relationships with a small group of friends accelerates.

A small group of deep relationships provides women with a reliable source of support and advice, but in the wider world of careers and brand building, a small though intensely committed group is not as advantageous as a large network of contacts – even if those contacts are superficial. In my coaching of senior executives, I also found that women, unlike men, are less likely to ask for a favor or introduction unless they know someone well. For many women, calling up a virtual stranger is painful. Likewise, women seemed more reluctant to do a favor for someone they didn’t know – say, recommend a friend of a friend for a job – unless they had actual experience working with the person.

Men, on the whole, seem less constrained in networking. Guys understand the mutual advantage of helping one another out. Many men can know someone casually or hardly at all and think it’s no big deal to call him to arrange an informational interview or pitch him for a specific job opportunity. They feel more comfortable pitching a casual friend or a friend of a friend.

That same tendency may be apparent in a recent Harvard Business Publishing study on Twitter usage, based on a random sample of 300,000 Twitter users in May 2009. Though men and women follow a similar number of users, men have 15 percent more followers than women and they have more reciprocated relationships in which two users follow each other, according to the report. The study also pointed out that women seem to be less compelled to have followers or "have more stringent thresholds for reciprocating relationships."

The male networking model is something women need to think about, because in the world of work, the larger your network, the more career capital you will have. Networks are powerful because of their size and range, and the comfort they provide for making and accepting professional contacts.

Here are some thoughts on how to get into the right mindset for networking:

Run in packs – just like men do. Since women are masters of deep relationships, there’s no reason we can’t expand our relationship model to connect with more people on a less personal and less intense level. Of course, many successful women have, and it’s a smart strategy because the reality is that you can’t do as much on your own with a small network of supporters

Read more about: Books, Career, Catherine Kaputa, Listen Up, Networking, Reinvention, Think Up

9 Reader Comments (so far…) Sign In or Register to comment

In work and in real life, I have far more men friends … and, in looking back, it is they who have given me the confidence in myself - mostly by listening to me as an equal (for why shouldn’t I be?) and asking questions (which they are proud to respond to and show their own knowledge). The result: a gravity toward each other, a respect, and an enhanced degree of networking.

Often, with women, we or they get off the track, getting into more personal things - or being in more tighter circles instead of seeing the larger world I am looking for. I believe that it is as smart move to get on boards — and not just any local board either. What you want to do is have "the mix" far broader - to your city, your larger area. With these people - more men than women for me - their day jobs are very diverse and they talk about them before or after meetings if given encouragement. It is a time to learn, and again, their own foot in the door may enable you entree. Or - at least in my own case - lots and lots of talking, calling between meetings, finding common ground, has enabled me to co-write books with them - who are already established writers, giving me more credentials. These were surprises — not thought of or planned — but more often than not, things drop into my lap because I have many interests, much interest in always learning, and natural curiosity about other.

Whatever works for each one of us is different. But we can’t sit and hope for something to happen. . but instead, we have to think of ideas and then get out there and make it happen for ourselves. It usually goes far beyond our dreams.

By joan larsen on 07/16/2009 12:24 am

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Five years ago I started my own etiquette business by launching a free Q&A etiquette Web site as a research tool for a book on modern manners. I had great support from my literary agent, a man, my husband, and male friends, but oddly enough the more powerful the woman, the less supportive she was when approached for advice.

Now my youngest daughter is starting her own business and I see the same pattern: it is the other men in her field that are encouraging her and it is the women who are less supportive. One would hope that my daughter’s generation wouldn’t have the same gender bias but I’m not sure about that.

On the other hand, my eldest daughter is also one of the few women in her field and she is surprised but pleased that the men she networks with treat her as one of the boys. Both of my daughters have good networking skills and a lot of self-confidence, however, I am still shy about asking for help, and ironically timid about seeking advice. So, I do see progress and promise, but I don’t know how to network my site. I would greatly appreciate any suggestions, criticism and advice.

For me and my daughters, networking is a tremendously important concern and I will send them copies of your books.

By Didi Lorillard on 07/16/2009 7:50 am

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U really touch my mind by ur article which can assist one to understand how to relate with opposite sex, though U are supporting women, but remember woman is book to write. I am going to send your pieces to all my companions both men and women.

By Bello Alkammawa on 07/16/2009 1:47 pm

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My husband was away for awhile on business and I’m so happy he’s back but I’m really missing my girlfriends! My one friend bought me the book Men are from Mars….

I wouldn’t trade him for the world, I just forgot men think with a different part of the brain. They reason and fix, while girlfriends will support and understand.

Its been like that since the cavemen,( fight or flight hormone when released processes differently)

Thanks Bobbie R

By Bobbie R. on 07/17/2009 9:31 am

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Selling commercial real estate for over 30 years changed with the crash that never happened, therefore I went back to my old network and added new and younger executive women to the group. We share information and how we perceive the market it’s been immeasurable to my continued success in a heartless and thankless career which I love. This is a great post….

Dorothy from grammology

grammology.com

By Dorothy Stahlnecker on 07/18/2009 3:19 am

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I love the idea of starting a website to do research for a book! I’m working on a big project dealing with child supervision - especially of toddlers -and you know that men do it differently than women - or think they do. That’s why we have all those hilarious "men taking care of small children" movies. I’d like to get input from both men and women on my research questions.

But I recognize myself in the fact that I have a few very intimate friends including my oldest daughter. My husband happens to be a very right-brained male, and the youngest brother of sisters, while I am the oldest sister of brothers - which happens to be the most successful match. So I find that when he’s away I am lonely, and that I do need a much larger circle of friends and acquaintences.

I’m amazed by my husband large and diverse array of networking contacts: from movie stars to a sociopath to writers, to undercover agents, bounty hunters, a midwife and even a young handsome billionaire (-and that’s quite a story!)

Most of my friends are people like me - although there are very few people like me, and so it’s now time to branch out and re-engage the world after 23 years of raising little ones - although I did recently do an internship for my masters degree - but I did it at an elementary school and spent most of my time - with children.

By Bella Mia on 07/18/2009 12:35 pm

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Bella Mia, if you haven’t done so already, you might want to start by interacting on craigslist.com. Under "Community" you could ask for input on various "Childcare" topics by asking a question and responding to the feedback. You could also monitor the "Discussion Form" called "Parent." By reading and perhaps joining these threads, you can learn a lot about current parenting trends .

By Didi Lorillard on 07/21/2009 9:12 am

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Are Ms Kaputa’s claims in this article (and her book) about males/men/boys and females/women/girls based on actual scientific research? If so, where are the references? It sounds to me like she is simply perpetuating historical gender-based stereotypes. It’s the same old "females act like this, males act like that" song and dance. But I guess she’s making money selling books, so who cares about scientific accuracy?

By Shameless Woman on 07/22/2009 5:25 pm

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A few years ago while still in my 30’s I had a stroke, and was also diagnosed with epilepsy. In 24hrs my whole life changed and I would not be able to return to teaching (my career for 15 years) that I loved.

I really wanted to sit in a rocking chair and rightfully feel sorry for myself.

My husband came home with this chocolate Lab, I really thought he had lost his mind.

This dog saved my life! He also disrupted and ate almost everything in it as well.

One night I was watching TV and MY dog Clancy was sleeping in my lap. All of a sudden I started writing about one of our zany adventures, and when I was done I had written a childrens book!

As a joke I submitted it into our newspaper and the response was fantastic. I have written 5 books, Clancy is a celebrity in Florida.

Anyway I read to children in Kindergarten for many years and I think I really have something here. I’m going to attempt publishing, today on the computer someone advised I publish them myself, any comments????

Thanks Bobbie R

By Bobbie R. on 07/23/2009 9:12 pm