A Book Friend Stopped By | 09/16/2008 3:30 pm

Jane Green: 'Are We Raising a Bunch of Narcissists?'

By Jane Green

Editor’s Note: One of the founding writers behind the genre known as "chick lit," Jane Green now writes novels that reflect the lives of real women today, with all the trials and tribulations that come with real life: from in-laws, motherhood, midlife crises and loss, all of which are told with Green’s trademark warmth, wit and wisdom. Winner of a Cosmopolitan Fun Fearless Fiction award, her tenth novel, The Beach House, is currently on the New York Times bestseller list. A native Londoner, Green now lives in Connecticut with her partner and four children. Visit her website at JaneGreen.com.

I recently read an article about the damage we have done in focusing on giving our children ridiculous levels of self-esteem, the fact that we are raising — and have raised — a generation of narcissists who believe everything they do is wonderful.

The article, called Are We Feeling Too Good About Ourselves for Our Own Good, states the following: “In the 1950s, just 12 percent of teens age 14 to 16 agreed with the statement ‘I am an important person.’ Yet by the late 1980s, an incredible seven times that — 80 percent — of teens said they agreed with it.”

This is not a good thing, just in case you were wondering. Important without having achieved anything? Living at home, no job yet? Why on earth should they see themselves as important?

The author, Maura R. O’ Connor, goes on to say that there is no statistical proof that greater self-esteem causes greater happiness. If anything, the reverse is true.

All of which resonates with me.

It resonates with me when I am waiting for a car to reverse out of a parking spot behind Main Street, and the car behind me hoots mercilessly, and when I smile and shrug, indicating this car is about to go, the teenager behind the wheel gives me the finger and tells me to "f*** you."

It resonates with me when I am ice-skating with the kids, and when the Zamboni comes on and everyone has to get off the ice, there is a group of seven-year-olds who refuse to move from the entrance. The guys at Longshore tell them repeatedly, in nice terms, to move. When I go over and say firmly, "Kids, get out of the way now," the seven-year-old in the front looks at me, bold-faced, and rolls his eyes.

It resonates with me when I hear about recent graduates starting their first jobs, and refusing to make coffee, or collect mail, or do anything they deem as menial because they think they are better than that.

It resonates with me, ultimately, because we are living in the age of entitlement, and I wish things were different; I wish we had a good healthy dose of humility to bring us back down to earth.

When I first moved to America, with a 13-month-old, I was somewhat surprised at the other mothers at the playground. When my son came down the slide, it wasn’t necessary to tell him what a marvelous thing he had just done. When the other children did, however, the mothers stood around applauding, "Great job! Good job!"

Their kids would stand up. "Great job!" And then sit down again. "Great job!" It got to the point where I was waiting for them to applaud their children’s breathing. "Great job breathing! Yay for Scotty!"

I was baffled. Growing up in England in the ’70s, I was raised with extraordinarily healthy levels of low self-esteem. (Mum – do NOT take this personally …) Everyone was. We all grew up being taught to respect adults, to listen to them, that we weren’t terribly important, unless of course we did something terribly important, in which case we were praised.

I do not believe for a second I would be a bestselling author today had I not been raised the way I was. It taught me to prove myself. I didn’t think I was important, so it taught me to strive for something, to achieve, to make something of myself.

Which is not to say I think all kids should be raised and told they are not important, but rather that we should not be frightened to say when it is not good enough, and not be frightened to withhold the rewards if they haven’t earned them.

Upstairs, in my kids’ bedrooms, are roughly 30 sports trophies. I should be proud. I wish I could be proud, but these trophies are handed out to the children for taking part. Not for winning.

Since when did competition become unhealthy? The world is not an easy place, and it is a competitive place. You do not get far in life by sitting around and waiting for other people to applaud you for doing, well, nothing much.

55 Reader Comments (so far…) Sign In or Register to comment

Upon entering a restaurant, the questions used to be “how many in your party” and “smoking or no smoking”. I always wanted to be asked “children or no children”.

By Vivvy Stewart on 09/16/2008 10:00 pm

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Agreed, Viv. I love kids, but parents need to teach them some manners. Of course, nowadays, many of the parents don’t know what good manners are.

By James the Game on 09/16/2008 10:10 pm

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We have four kids and when we took them to restaurants, we would seat them one between each of us, one on either side of us and one next to the oldest daughter….in other words, in “grabbable” positions. There’s a picture of the six of us standing and smiling nicely for the camera, but if you look really close, you will see that one of our daughters has a death grip on another of our daughters and that my hand is on the shoulder of my son — each one anchored in place by one of us. I too love children, usually. But now I have been known to request a seat away from them and sometimes to request that we not be seated near specific families. And then there’s that special torture: sitting in a booth with someone’s child either banging away at your back or hanging over the edge almost in your lap.

By Andy C on 09/17/2008 7:39 am

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Vivvy…again being a parent of a 2 1/2 year old…Ummmmmm if you dont want to be around kids in a family restaurant go somewhere else. My child is learning to behave in public and the first time she acts up we (her father and I) are there to step in and apologize and make sure she is reprehanded…However, she is 2 1/2, we know her limits and we get in and get out. Why do I do that when I really dont have too b/c I have manners and I care about strangers. I think its rude to have people say what you say about Children or no children…Do you have any of your own? If not when you do, if you do, that will change. Trust me…it changes. My child also tells everyone HI and GOODBYE and blows kisses to everyone on her way out…she gets upset if someone doesnt acknowledge her and I just explain that not everyone wants to be talked too and I have had people think twice about it and then apologize to me…how can u be mean to a 2 year old…be mean to the parents not a child.

By C Hardy on 09/17/2008 9:33 pm

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I am so glad I found this on the comment page. i had missed this article. You comment really caught my interest. Thank You. I very much enjoyed this honest article. And I can see why the comment was so appropriate. Tis time to get back to some of the basics, not all but some, so that we don’t have to out source all our jobs… P.S. I grew up with a Parents eating area , and a children”s eating area! Not every meal but enough and I knew I would be asked to leave my parent’s table if I did not use proper manners.

By Jennifer Dooley on 09/19/2008 9:57 pm

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James…I know I am a day late, but I have a 2 1/2 year old and we go out to dinner. We as parents are entitled to bring our children out to a family restaurant…If you want a quiet dinner go to a non family restaurant. I keep my child restrained and as quiet as I possibly can while we are out and trust me, we know her tolerance for sitting still and we eat and get out as quickly as possible. There have been times when she cried and wanted to get down and run around and we got out food to go and left b/c it wasnt fair to others to listen to it but you know what…Forget that. Us leaving when she acts like that, she has WON, she got what she wanted and that doesnt teach her any lesson. I am not an absentee parent so taking my child out in public so she can learn to socalize is the right thing to do, is it not? Now the booming music is just crazy…We were in Walmart the other day, in the very back where the Produce was and we could hear a car outside w/ its music…It was shaking the milk gallons in the freezer…NUTS…I dont think that has anything to do with absentee parents, that has to do with showing off…

By C Hardy on 09/17/2008 9:28 pm

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Yeah, the music stuff was just an aside statement I was making about teenagers’ lack of respect today. I agree with you about kids in restaurants. Many are fine, but some are absolutely out of control, literally screaming at the top of their lungs.

By James the Game on 09/18/2008 9:05 am

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For all those children who Jane encounters who would give her the finger and not the time of day, there are countless others who are being raised to respect others, to have responsible jobs within their family, to be fair, to know the consequences of poor behavior and learn from it. In bringing up my own children I rarely said, “I am so proud of you”; what I did say was, “You must be very proud of yourself.” This builds self esteem rather than doing things to make others feel proud. Big difference. I tried to be specific when praising: I never said, “What a good boy”–––I’d say, “I really appreciate how you helped me clean this mess up.” Instead of gushing over some picture they painted, saying, “Oh, that’s so beautiful,” I’d say, “I like the way you colored the tree, it looks just like the one outside.” It’s important for a child to have self esteem, but it seems what Jane is describing is an empty sense of self. Somewhere along the line these children have been allowed to run the ship from early on probably because it’s easier for the parents. In a family there should be no democracy; Father and Mother set the rules, voice the expectations, and dole out the favors or the consequences. Children do not need their parents to be their friends; they need guidance and security. Friends you can be with them after they are grown. As far as this generation, like all generations, they’ll survey the field, plant their flag, realize they are wrong about a whole mess of things, take their licks and carry on.

By phyllis Doyle Pepe on 09/16/2008 5:16 pm

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Thank you so much for opening up this topic, and…Sorry, I think the focus of this article borders on the shallow. As a writer myself, growing up with all kinds of mixed feelings about myself, beautifully married to a business coach who can vouch for nearly every one he talks to as feeling compass-less in the world - without anything to say or offer, and with even less means to express it or build a life around it, and mother to a fabulous near-adult daughter who’s as steady, solid, and un-narcissistic as anyone could hope for - this discussion of “importance” seems focused in the wrong place. Growing up with no responsibility is a problem. Growing up in a school system or a home where every creative impulse you have is beaten down or criticized is a problem. Being rewarded for just being alive is a problem. Being rewarded for doing the things that we can all agree are “important” - actually believing enough in yourself that you can treat others with respect can look a lot of different ways. I’d love to talk about the different ways this can look, and I for one don’t see this as simply “parents and children” and “who listens to who.” Parents can be stupid, uncaring and be run by inner psychological forces - including anger and a need for control - that can buffalo a child even while they’re clapping for them in the sandbox. There’s more than what we see at work here. Thank you for the great, provocative post, and I look forward to more…

By Rori Raye on 09/16/2008 6:23 pm

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I totally agreed and I think that many parents, as well the schools and the modern technology are to blame. My parents were the silent generation born between the two world wars and they had three gen-xer children. They raised us to respect adults, never curse in public, school is a job, if you want something you work for it and if you do something wrong to accept the punishment and learn from your mistake. We always ate dinner together, tv was a treat and you got rewards for hard work but not always. They have a doctor, a former pro baseball player who is now a cop and a writer and we are all successful in our careers of choice. They are proud of us but not to proud. All of us are in relationships that have lasted 20 years or more and I say that only because I am not married to my husband and that is still an issue with my parents. We all have children who are good students and good people. I raise my children the way I was raised and it seems to work. I didn’t let them participate in the kindergarten graduations as I saw no need for it. They never got allowances but were given pocket money for the work they did do and told why they got it or why they didn’t. Every weekend we went out for dinner and when they misbehaved they were taken to the bathroom and given a stern warning and if they continued to misbehave the following weekend they were left home with a sitter (with all three that only happened once to each). When they cursed I made them wash out their own mouths with soap (to this day they do not curse often). When I look over their homework, I give them criticism but not cruelty and if it is done well I tell them, well done and no more. I tell them they can do better when they can. I made my two oldest get jobs to pay for the things they wanted and they were always taught to spend some, give some and save some. They get punished when they do wrong and they accept the punishment, in fact they tell me what they have done before anyone else does, (they don’t do wrong very often). They have always had boundaries in place and always had to abide by those rules and boundaries. But most importantly I love my children and they know that not by what I give them or do for them but by lots of hugs and kisses and affection. When I compare my children to others I see how well rounded they are and how they have self-respect and therefore respect for others and they have great self-esteem because they can be proud of their accomplishments with or without my acknowledgment. They all have a strong sense of self-worth because they don’t expect others to define who they are or who they need to be. My son loves and takes care of his car not because it was given to him but because he worked for it, paid for it and drives it and it boosted his self-esteem. My daughter treasures her wardrobe because she did the same, worked for it, pays for them and she loves how she looks and doesn’t worry if someone at school is or isn’t dressing the same way. They both have pay as you go cell phones that they pay for so they use phones when needed. They do well in school for themselves not for a reward or recognition. They excel in sports because they love the sport not for a reward of playing well and I have not gone to every game or meet because they know that I also have other committments. The boys open doors for ladies and the elderly (my youngest is 7). They correct others who are throwing the f-bomb around like is part the sentence structure. Yet many of their friends, who have had the kindergarten grad, been rewarded for breathing and have had everything given to them are never happy, always so depressed and always wanting more, not to mention rude and lazy. Many of them are the most self absorbed people I have or will ever meet. Many of them have very high expectations for what the world will give them and for others will do for them but little or no expectations for themselves. I fear that these kids are the generation that will be in charge of this country when I am older.

By Lise 22 on 09/16/2008 6:56 pm

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I have to agree with the article as well as those of you who also point out that constant criticism is not the way to raise a child. Back in the 1980s, if my students didn’t do their homework, they missed gym, or any other special of the day, and stayed in my classroom to complete the assignment. If they misbehaved, they weren’t allowed to go on class trips. And within a few weeks, the students all did their homework and behaved in class…until someone came up with the idea that to take away a “special” or trip would hurt a child’s self-esteem. Now it’s the teacher who must walk on eggshells and put up with those rolling eyes, shrugged shoulders, and back talk. Parents are not as supportive as they used to be. When I asked one parent if she checked her son’s book bag every night, she told me she could never invade her son’s privacy. Hello!!!!! He’s eight!!! I had to teach her how to parent. Now, I wish my parents had praised me more. My mom was not into that and could be very critical. I would not recommend this type of upbringing to anyone. However, having household chores and working since I was 16 was not such a bad thing. Having parents who went through The Depression taught me that overspending would only get me into trouble. And, I appreciated the fact that I worked hard for the money and know how to spend and save responsibly. Too many people are in credit card debt because they think possessions are important and the concept of a Rainy Day is meaningless.

By Brooklyn Gal on 09/16/2008 6:59 pm

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I agree with a lot or what’s said in this article and some of the responses. I too notice self-centered parents and children often and I wonder if the parents realize that they are doing a disservice to their kids. It’s unfortunate, but I’m preparing my kids to excel in interpersonal communications (along with respect and integrity) The first step in effective interpersonal communication is establishing rapport so you know what type of person you’re dealing with. Narcissism is a bizarre personality disorder to deal with however, very manageable if you’re proactive. If you live or work with one you should NEVER let them make you miserable. Narcissists HATE to be ignored, so that’s the first line of defense- establish autonomy at all costs. It’s nice to believe that narcissism develops from the classic “child-dominated household”, but it’s not that simple. The narcissist that I know was raised in a large family with little attention from her parents. It’s astounding to see her inflict her inflated sense of entitlement on unsuspecting co-workers lol! The first step in preventing your kids from developing an unnatural sense of entitlement is to be an adult and stop accepting crap from kids. Parents Rule! Nothing wrong with praise and strong parental support, but I see too many parents accept bad behavior from their kids and get offended if others don’t. That’s why my kids don’t have friends who are brats, they would be afraid to bring them around me.

By Lena B on 09/16/2008 8:54 pm

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Ha, ha, Lena. :-)

By James the Game on 09/16/2008 9:35 pm

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Three concepts that have fallen out of favor with adults are obedience, service and sacrifice. Many adults have a me-first approach to life. We raised our children with Christian values, and with a commitment to the body of the church to reinforce those values. We ask them to make small sacrifices on behalf of others, like helping a neighbor move some items, or planting flowers for a handicapped church member. Sometimes, a brother or sister will take over the chore of a sick or absent sibling - and when they do it spontaneously, I know we’ve made progress. By requiring small sacrifices, we help them learn that the service is the reward, and no other reward is necessary. The Boy Scouts are wonderful at providing these opportunities, as well. Without these dual components of service and sacrifice the very natural state of narcissism grows unchecked. The child must be groomed in a loving and gentle way to enjoy and love being of service to other people. Unfortunately, serving others at personal sacrifice to ones self has gone out of favor in many segments of our society. It is a completely novel idea to many adults as well. However, I’m convinced after dealing with so many children, that it is really the key to a loving, respectful well-rounded person. All the little stuff about the trophies and the over-praise is probably true more or less, but it less significant than the absence of opportunities for a child to put other ahead of themselves, and pay a price to do it. I think we have to be patient with other parents who over-indulge as most of us make the same mistakes at some point. Most of all children respond to affection and a sense of closeness and connection with a parent. They need more time with parents, not more treats, not more stuff, not more stimulation. Less is more.

By Bella Mia on 09/16/2008 10:16 pm

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Great article and great comments. I started adding children to my life in my late thirties, while continuing to work full time teaching college students. I see daily the difference in success between young people who have a good work ethic and a realistic sense of self and those who have been indulged. The greatest tragedy in the students who have been indulged is their inability to find a way to really connect with and team with others. If you are always special, you don’t know how to develop a healthy give and take or when to sit back and really listen so you can learn something. It’s a lonely place to be. Others don’t like you, and they don’t trust you. I want my children to grow up to be respectful, confident, kind, aware of others, and to assume hard work is expected and brings results. So I’m kind of mean. Actually, I’m a fan of “mean parenting.” Rude to someone? Lose a privilege and have to apologize. Didn’t say thank you to a parent who didn’t drive you home from school? Got to pick up the phone and say it. Toys everywhere? No TV or no park until you’ve picked them up, because Mom is not your maid. After school activities? Here are your choices based upon what we can spend this month or this year. Have extra left over from your allowance and your sister wants to buy that book? Give it to her, and she’ll do the same in return next week. Chores? Heck, yeah. (See above: Mom is not maid.) One of my kids does well at a recital or at school, we praise it at dinner when we’re all together and can share in the success, and then we move on. Dinners are hilarious at our house—although sometimes I’m even mean there, because no kid leaves the table without at least tasting all the food my husband and I spent time cooking for them. If you raise your kids to be part of a team, and it’s a fair team (and that team includes their parents), then they get some of their self-esteem from that sense of belonging and contributing. Yes, they all have their special skills, but the truth is if you are really learning to listen to and like each other, then those special attributes are celebrated by your family all the time, but without giving you an inflated sense of yourself. You should do any project or activity because you love doing it or it needs to be done, not solely because you are praised. Parents who can teach kids that way to live are my heros. I think the generation before us did well in that area. (I shudder to think what would have happened when I was a kid if I or one of my siblings acted up in restaurant.) I give my generation credit for acknowledging self-esteem is important too. How to strike the balance is the tricky part. It’s overwhelming being a parent, so I agree it’s not wise to judge—we all mess up, but I think it would be better if more parents spoke honestly to each other, the way Jane does in her article, and show it’s okay to be tough on your children, even when other “nicer” and “cooler” parents are watching.

By Kat Pos on 09/17/2008 12:30 am