I love this article Hilary. It speaks to a certain element of our economic crises that I don’t think many women have considered. We have discussed on other topic threads the male ego. How closely it is tied to their professions, income and status. With the economic crisis, combined with the vast number of people of affluence that were bilked by Madoff (and the trickle down effect of his pyramid scheme) many men of wealth have lost their perceived identity. On other threads we have discussed the rise in suicide among people who have lost jobs, income and status because of the economy. Which brings us back to your article. Women more than ever can not and should not rely on “sugar daddies” and men to provide for them, especially men of affluence. As tempting as it may be, they are emotionally AND financially stretched beyond their limits. There is no better time than now for women to call on that inner strength we all have (but too many keep dormant) to go for it on our terms. Find that job or two. Negotiate a raise even though times are hard (that might be a stretch). Find new and innovative ways to get by without turning to a man for our day to day needs. I’ve dated wealthy men and I’ve dated semi-wealthy (yes I am a snob, I admit it) but I have learned many years ago, nothing is more satisfying than being 100% independent.

I don’t completely agree that it is necessary for both people to contribute financially to a relationship, assuming that the definition of financial contribution is contributing money from a job. While I do feel that it is extremely important for women to be able to suport themselves, I think that when a person is in a relationship decisions should be made based on what is best for both people. This is especially important if a couple has children. It’s tempting for women of my generation to say, “I am woman, hear me roar!”, but we have to learn that life is partly about compromise. We can’t all be marthon running CEOs with perfect children who volunteer at soup kitchens and write novels in our spare time. That being said, I think that the evaluation of what is best for both people should be done in a fair manner and should be genderblind. If someone is going to stay at home with the kids, I see no reason it shouldn’t be the father! (I also see no reason someone has to stay home with the kids, but I’m approaching this from the idea that daycare is expensive) My husband and I have been together for seven years (married for four). When we started dating, I supported him because I had a cushy engineering job and he was an IT guy during the dot-com bust. I must say, I loved having a house-husband, though we weren’t married or engaged yet, because I never had to worry about chores. The apartment was always clean, the bills were always paid, the groceries were bought and dinner was on the table when I got home! Eventually he got a job and we had to split the chores again. After a while, I decided that I was done with the soul destroying work that I had been doing and went back to school to get my phd in nuclear physics. (I’m ~2 years away from finishing) My stipend is laughable, so essentially I’m being supported by my husband. Yes, it irritates the independent women in me, but in a few years I’ll be able to do what I want and I must admit it would be much harder to get through grad school alone. The deal we struck is that once I’m a tenured professor, my husband can retire and go back to keeping house for me. We’ll see whether that’s best for our relationship in the 10-15 years it will take to get there! In short, I think that many women do things with their lives to prove a point. We don’t have to stay home! We don’t have to be nurses or secretaries! We can be college professors and doctors! But we only get one life. A person should do what makes her happy, even if that’s staying home and raising the kids. We should be who we are, not try to be who we think we should be!

Hell. The only issues I have with money is whether I eat and have a roof over my head. Whether that’s with a partner or on my own, I don’t much care. I have no points to prove, no “issues” one way or the other. I’m long long past all that sturm und drang. As long as there is a job I can do and someone who is willing to pay me to do it, I’ll be okay. If not, well, I’ll be as good a bag lady as there ever was until I can’t be anymore.

I was single from my late twenties into my late thirties. I was raising two daughters with little financial help from their dad. His child support covered food basically. Everything else was up to me. Although if something major happened or there were extra costs for the kids we split it. but neither of us made big money. we made “just enough” to get by. During those years I dated a LOT of men. Most of them were working around the law enforcement field. lawyers, cops, teachers, counselors… but a few were outside that arena. most of them were solid decent income earners and some of them were wealthy or high income earners. The only one besides the man I married that I fell in love with was a guy who had worked in a local factory for 20 years. his dad worked there, his uncles worked there. the money itself was decent but he was horrid at managing his money. he wasn’t great at managing his life. I was torn for years as to that relationship. I loved him. and i loved being wiht him. but long term committment to him meant an unequal relationship for me. and ultimately i just didn’t want that. i didn’t want to be the one who could “manage” everything on my own. I wanted help. And frankly I looked at the men I dated and asked myself “what do they bring to the table here”. I asked myself that because I knew what “I” brought. i knew how capable i was. and i had no intention of being the one who brought the most. I would have been happy with a man who didn’t make the money I made (and i didn’t make alot in those days) but who was skilled at home. could fix cars or remodel the house or… cook well. things that as a single woman i was constantly having to pay for or do on top of making a living. But i consciously made choices to find a man who contributed. the man I fell in love with contributes good things to my life. and id have settled for nothing less. why should i? when i can provide so much for myself?