JUDITH: I’ve been thinking about money. I’m not so surprised at the state of the economy because, for some time, I’ve been noticing that the idea of living above one’s means is so commonplace that it inevitably led to this. People often ask me, "What is the number one etiquette problem in America?" They think I’m going to say using the wrong fork or talking on cell phones, but it’s been, for some time now, unbridled greed. Gimme, gimme, gimme.

JOAN: God bless you.

JUDITH: It is unashamed, unsubtle grabbing-at schemes to live above one’s means, at the expense of others. And people think of these techniques as normal because they’re so widespread now, like the gift registry and the cash bar at private parties or weddings. I get so many letters that start out, “I’d like to do this or that but I can’t afford it.” It might be putting on a lavish wedding or saying, “I want to give a nice anniversary party for my parents, or birthday party for my wife.” And you would think, when they go on to say, “but I can’t afford it,” they would then, if they must write me, ask, “What can I do instead?” Not at all. What they’re asking is, “How can I tell the guests that they have to pay?” or, “How can I do this by having people donate money for the wedding, for the honeymoon?” or “How can I politely tell them to give me cash?” It’s all under the guise of helping, relieving the guests of that great burden of thinking what they can do for them – by announcing it. Have you ever seen engaged couples going around with these zapping machines in stores? Zap, zap, “We want this, we want that, we want the other thing.” Not because they’re going to buy it but because they’re going to try to get someone else to buy it. The wedding industry started this, but by advising people that it was – and this really annoys me — “proper,” of course it’s highly improper to have all kinds of extras at a wedding that make it wildly expensive. And so, realizing that this is going to be a problem for some people, they now are full of ideas of how to get it from other people. They’re teaching begging.

SHEILA: I disagree with you. I don’t think that greed and living above your means is necessarily the same. "Living above your means" means sometimes reaching for the stars. Wanting more than you have is part of what propels people to go forward. I mean, wanting the biggest car in the world when you can’t afford it? Yes, that might be ridiculous. But wanting to give someone you love the best wedding in the world? I don’t think that’s greed. I think greed is the people who have too much wanting more, not the people who have too little reaching for the stars. I think the combination of greed and living above your means is not a fair equation.

JUDITH: May I just break in for a moment? Getting the money from other people to do what you cannot pay for yourself, and yet want to do now — that is what I mean.

SHEILA: But all loans are based on getting money from other people. Maybe people want someone to have that thing that they want. Maybe they want to contribute to it. Maybe it’s not polite, but it doesn’t seem to me to be greedy to want to give people you love something that perhaps you can’t afford, just for the sheer pleasure of it. You’re not saying that person’s doing that every day. If you told me that every day they lived above their means — the wedding and then the dinner and then the restaurant — then I might say OK …