Conversation | 09/26/2009 12:00 am

The Private and the Public: Finding Balance in a Life in the Spotlight

With Candice Bergen, Cynthia McFadden and Liz Smith

LIZ: As I have always been famous – that’s a joke, son. Like everyone, I’ve had to learn to juggle these two things. You just steal the time from your work to try to give it to the people you care about most and to take care of them. You make sacrifices all the time and I’m sure that it’s the same for you both.

CANDICE: Cynthia, how old is your son now?

CYNTHIA: Ten.

CANDICE: The hardest time for me was during the first years of "Murphy Brown," when Chloe was four years old, five, and was waking up at 5:30 in the morning routinely. I didn’t have anyone living in because I didn’t want to have anyone living in. And it was just me because Louis was in France doing a movie. I was just exhausted on a level that I had never experienced before – all the time. And there was just no getting around that. It would have been helpful to have a nanny live-in and have a weekend nanny. But I didn’t want to make that choice. So for a few years I was just running on empty all the time. I’m sure Cynthia’s been through a version of that as well. But with Spencer getting older I would imagine it’s gotten easier.

CYNTHIA: Well, except that the job has changed. I anchor at night. I get off the air at 12:30. By the time I get home and then get up and take Spencer to school every morning at 7 AM, I am pretty much a sleepless mess. I think you have to be willing to sacrifice sleep if you’re going to do both things. I guess I would disagree with Liz a little bit. It’s not that I have the work and then I steal whatever time I can for the rest of my life – though that used to be the case before Spencer. And now I see it as completely opposite. I have Spencer and I steal whatever time I can for work.

LIZ: I don’t have the same problem you two have. I haven’t had to raise any children. But I had lots of kids who sometimes depended on me – nieces, nephews, godchildren – and I tried always to make them come first. But I haven’t had to make any sacrifices. And so I’ve pretty much made my work my life and made my friendships my fun.

CANDICE: Right. But if you’re the mother – especially of a small child – the priority is clearly your child.

CYNTHIA: Absolutely.

CANDICE: And one reason that I did "Murphy Brown" was because I wouldn’t be traveling and working. I would be home every night. I could do carpool. I could be there for her. But it was challenging at times.

CYNTHIA: It is. I wanted to be the class mother and was the class mother every year up until last year when somebody else wanted to do it. Maybe the guilt associated with working makes you sort of want to do it doubly hard, the motherhood thing. You want to do it double as much. I don’t know. But the corners I cut are not HIS corners. I’ve sort of stopped doing anything except working and Spencer. And that’s a happy choice. It’s hard, I think, for your friends to understand.

CANDICE: I think, as a parent, you give up social time. You go to work. You come home in the afternoon or the evening and you spend that time with your child – put them to bed, which takes hours usually – and then you fall asleep.

As for personal opinions? Well, for you as a journalist you’re really constrained.

37 Reader Comments (so far…) Sign In or Register to comment

I find the contrast in Liz and Cynthia as it relates to how they deal in social situations interesting. I think there is a happy medium between both opinions on the issue. I adore you Liz, but you are in my opinion sometimes “too” outspoken, while Cynthia you are too cautious. Whoopi often says on the View when discussing how she deals with the public, that she doesn’t have a problem telling someone “no” if they ask for an autograph or to take a photo. However the manner in which she says she responds to these requests, always strikes me as far too harsh. I think the tipping point on how celebrities behave in public changed dramatically following the Michael Richard’s meltdown in the comedy club captured on camera. If not for that one patron that was quick enough to realize they were witnessing something that was unbelievable if not viewed on tape, none of us would have believed it. It was then that celebrities began to truly censor what they said and did while in the public eye. But have we swung too far to one end of the spectrum? I would argue yes. As Cynthia said, she wanted to tell that person in line before her “don’t cut in front of me” the reality Cynthia is, you should have. That would have been okay. Even though she recognized you, you could have said “Thanks, but I have to tell you, I was just going to say something about you cutting in line ahead of me….” Doesn’t make you a bitch for saying that and speaking your truth. And knowing you as we all do, you would have said it in a respectful way with a slight air of humor in your voice to diffuse any tension that could have arose from it. I’m all for celebrities not losing their true selves in the process of trying not to offend a fan or average person. But on the flip side as with Liz and Whoopi, there is a slight danger (I believe) in going too far with the mindset of “I’ve lived a long life, this is who I am, I’m not about to change now, take it or leave ‘cause I’m gonna say, what I’m gonna say….” I’m not so sure about that thought process and whether it serves you or the people on the receiving end of your comments well.

By Belinda Joy on 12/11/2008 11:31 am

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Belinda, I suspect you are still young enough where you are more likely to speak rather than listen. The Michael Richard situation IS NOT “the experience” that taught celebriies they needed to censor themselves…People who live and work in gollywood and who are successful in some aspect of the business often forget or dismiss the reality that behavior and words can come back to bite you in the butt. It has always been the case because success often allows celebrities to behave badly with no consequence. The difference is that social faux pas or even a heartfelt response can find it’s way to the internet in a matter of seconds. I disagree with your assertion that Cynthia should have said what she wanted to say in the line. One, you never know the personality of the person you are engaging…a small encounter could become a shouting match with other shoppers taking out their Iphones shooting the whole scene which could be uploaded to YouTube before Cynthia reached her house. It has almost reached the point that celebrities have to chose the best of two evils. Give up your free speech or open yourself to the public as never before. Liz and Whoopie are women of experience and some age…they are of the been there done that generation, thus not really willing to compromise anymore. There is nothing wrong with a compromise if you are willing to pay the price. However as you move along in life, there isn’t much you haven’t seen and done, so there are few things more important to you than how you feel and what you think. So you set boundaries and beware anyone who steps over those boundaries. Because testing you has its consequences. I think they have voices of secure, knowledgeable women.

By Victoria J on 12/14/2008 1:33 pm

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What an odd response to my post. On one hand you criticize me by stating essentially I am so immature as to speak instead of listen. Implying I am not open to learning but instead speaking my peace. Yet in your response to define Whoopi and Liz by the same standards by using their age as justification for having the very attitude you criticize me for. You state in regard to Liz and Whoopi “…as you move along in life, there isn’t much you haven’t seen and done, so there are few things more important to you than how you feel and what you think.” I see, so that is apropos for Whoopi and Liz, but not for a 48 year old woman from the Midwest….I see. And then your post continues on by chiding me for using Michael Richards as the tipping point where celebrities became hyper sensitive about their behavior in public for fear of their actions being caught on camera. You stated you disagreed with me and went so far as to state “The Michael Richard situation IS NOT “the experience” that taught celebrities they needed to censor themselves…” But then you continue on by contradicting that statement by stating Cynthia should not have confronted the woman in the store because the confrontation could escalated and been caught on camera by bystanders. The very point I made in my original post, that Michael Richards tirade was the catalyst for celebrity’s actions going viral online. As I said, what an odd response to a post. I don’t understand the purpose of your post. You insulted me, agreed with me yet stated you were disagreeing with me. Very odd…..

By Belinda Joy on 12/14/2008 5:24 pm

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I admire you ladies for your work, and sacrifices.

By James the Game on 12/11/2008 3:59 pm

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While I can relate to the other ladies who must juggle marriage, children, and the very out-in the-open career - as on a very small scale, many of us were at one time in the same boat, falling into bed at night and at some private times, wondering “what IS this all about?” And what it is all about is something called “making choices” - in this case not choosing one over another, but grabbing at opportunities that sometimes are - face it - age-related. Do it or lose it — isn’t that right? But I want to “defend” Liz Smith — who shouldn’t ever need defending as far as I can see. What those many decades younger do not understand is that as far as many of us are concerned: we are not getting older, we are getting better. Better? The facade of youth and beauty to a great extent has dropped away, the public image of being what you really are not really we find a fraud. We wonder what we were thinking of all those years in projecting the whole shabang of the “public image”. Perhaps Whoopi speaks her mind with less grace — but that’s Whoopi. But Liz Smith I find is a woman who I would very much like to know. As we get older, we can look back on life without the rose-colored glasses. We may say what we think — but, darn it, we are normally correct. We know - whatever our accomplishments - that we are people with all the emotions, all the ups and downs of each of us. I have never heard Liz speak to hurt anyone, but I have learned so much from her honesty, voiced Liz-style. She is like most of us are who have hit milestones in life — now 100% herself. I relate to her, and as I have said, I would love to know her. YOu know, we seem so much alike - we love to laugh and have a good time - and I have a feeling we would. I only wish that most of us had dropped the facade decades earlier — but to fully come into our own and be our true selves? That particular crack in the sidewalk that we have stepped over is in many ways THE best. I think Liz would agree.

By joan larsen on 12/11/2008 4:00 pm

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Belinda, I reread the conversation and your response, and I’m evidently missing something. I did not read into Liz Smith’s comments an attitude of condescension but rather quite the opposite in that she embraces her work while acknowledging its substance, in the great scheme of things, might seem trivial. Although you are probably correct that Liz Smith does not suffer fools gladly, she donates countless hours as ‘the attraction’ to draw in the benefactors for multiple charities. Her suggestion that we all get in there and ‘do what ain’t really convenient for us to do’ may keep us off antidepressants as well as helping make a child’s life less depressing. Another Texan, who shall remain nameless because the following info came from the internet;therefore, may not be accurate(go figure), said she is an inertia addict. All she really wants to do is drink coffee, read books and hang out with her friends……………..but she is an international star because of the same kind of discipline Liz Smith mentions. (You know who it is, don’t you, Liz?BB) And Cynthia McFadden, I believe, was a close friend of Katharine Hepburn’s, so I’m thinking she can handle herself in any situation. I don’t know if Katharine Hepburn was ‘too’ outspoken, but she was outspoken. Candice Bergen, please tell Shirley Schmitt that I learned so much from her and look forward to the reunion show. Peace and grace

By beth willis on 12/11/2008 4:21 pm

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Okay Beth Now you have got me trying to figure out who the other Texan is. I am slow with those things. Oh well, I will figure it out sooner or later. I am trying to push you to the 150,000th comment. Should be coming up soon, but things have settled down since the election. The inaugural will be a wonderful event. An amazing and historical event right after Christmas. It will be a great page to turn.

By Frannie Em on 12/16/2008 1:37 pm

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Oh, Frannie Em, I thought of you today as I watched the midday news about the weather in Southern California, wondering if you had snow in your backyard. Perhaps you’ve heard that old saw as people grow older, ‘snow on the roof, but heat in the basement’? Well, that’s neither here nor there and tasteless at best, but we have to get to that 150,000 mark, don’t we. The other Texan is my favorite Broadway, cabaret chanteuse Betty Buckley. I am trying to figure out how I can get to New York to see/hear her in March. I read another post of yours that I did not have time to pursue, will see if I can find it now. Peace and grace

By beth willis on 12/16/2008 3:07 pm

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Beth Of course, Betty Buckley. That would be fabulous if you could go and see her in NY. Nope, no snow yet, but it is very cold. Last time it snowed in my yard was in 1988, the time before that was in the ’70s, I guess we are due. My youngest keeps wishing and wishing, my oldest got snow up at Ft Lewis today. He was going to drive down from Seattle for Christmas, but I am worried about all the arctic storms that are blowing through, so I just booked him a flight. Less than $300 round trip, not bad, nonstop as well. I don’t mind the old saws. They say so much, and it is true. We had a clear morning and now it is clouding again and my dogs are looking at me like I should change the channels on the weather… as if.

By Frannie Em on 12/16/2008 3:51 pm

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I cannot relate to the “celebrity” part of your discussion, ladies, but I can about the exhaustion part. My husband left/disappeared when my second child was born and my first was younger than two. The next 20 years was scraping by—yes, always the children first, but work meant giving them a roof clothing food, so I worked and worked until I dropped. The “choice” of nanny or not was never mine. We were on our own. I look at my children now and am amazed that they survived those difficult years. I see sometimes they were wounded (breaks my heart), but they have wrestled their lives into meaningful giving ones and I am so proud of them: my daughter a full-time loving patient mom and wife, and my son a good husband who works with children with autism spectrum disorders. Yep, both managed to get college degrees. Not bad, huh? Only thing now is I wonder how they will handle these difficult economic times ahead. Worries me.

By rocky rocky on 12/11/2008 5:41 pm

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Before this turns into a message board riddled with distortions of my intent from my first post on this conversation thread, I need to clarify my opinions. For some reason my posts are parsed in every way by my fellow posters. I’ve seen that happen one too many times on this site… First off, I’m 48 years old and have followed both Liz Smith and Cynthia McFadden’s respective careers for decades. My impression of Liz Smith has always been that she is a “no nonsense – tell it like it is” type of woman who doesn’t know the definition of coy. She may have been labeled many things in her long life, but that’s not one of them. To the contrary, she is in your face, honest and direct in the most positive definitions those words would imply. As for Cynthia, she epitomizes what a skilled, competent and sober news correspondent represents. Always the consummate professional, and in my opinion super smart. I respect and admire both these ladies. My initial comment on this thread spoke to “my” interpretation of how I view their “public” personas as an off-chute of the conversation at hand. Clearly it is not one shared by all; I am voicing “my” opinion. But let me be clear, I am not in any way insulting, demeaning, or complaining about Liz or Cynthia. Far from it.

By Belinda Joy on 12/11/2008 7:21 pm

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Belinda, sincerely, no offense intended on my part. Only because I respect your posts did I reread the initial conversation and post because I thought I misinterpreted something. Of course, you are entitled to your opinion, and I was not trying to change it. Peace and grace

By beth willis on 12/12/2008 5:52 am

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Belinda See, I knew we agreed on free speech. Also, I understood your first comment as an evaluation, not a judgement. It was a good comment.

By Frannie Em on 12/16/2008 1:48 pm

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It is 7:30 p.m. and I am sitting at my computer reading the conversation. I am reading Candice’s and Cynthia’s section about working and raising children and, basically, trying to do it all. A great fatigue has befallen me and I remember what life was like when I had three boys, a husband, a job, a home to care for, homework to supervise, my husband’s clients to entertain, a rabbit we loved, a dog that most of us loved, and kittens and guinea pigs and anything else (including snakes) that the boys brought home. Truly makes me tired, tired, tired just to think about it. My children now have their own children and their lives have been successful and interesting. So, this is the payoff. I was about thirty when all of the above was taking place so I thought I had boundless energy but there is a limit. I now have a wonderful life, time to do anything I want, travel , read, have lunch with friends, enjoy my daughters-in-law, etc. I feel I have earned that and when others say “Aren’t you bored” I just laugh to myself and continue on enjoying my life. P.S. Hey, Candice—is ABC nuts? Boston Legal was the only thing I ever was hooked on. Thank God for Tivo especially when traveling. I adored that show.

By LuckyLady n/a on 12/11/2008 10:22 pm

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Keep a diary, hire an excellent assistant and pay that person well, get them an answering service back-up, provide the kids school calendar to her each fall to black out certain dates (for the kids activities), same with season ticket dates, etc., and jog in place at the kitchen sink for 25 years.

By C jay on 12/12/2008 1:08 am