Conversation | 04/10/2008 11:58 am

'My Friends Become My Family of My Own Choosing'

With Lesley Stahl, Liz Smith and Mary Wells

EDITOR’S NOTE: Also featuring special guest, Joni Evans, CEO of wowOwow

JONI: Let’s talk about friendship. I’m talking about long-term old friends, and what happens with those. And how important are they to us? What happens when one disappoints us or when we’ve outgrown an old friend? Do we feel guilt? Do we feel obligation? And who were our friends? Who made differences in our lives? One thing I feel is that when one loses one’s parents as I have, I find my friends become my family – my family of my own choosing. So I take friends much more seriously than I ever did and I am hurt by them when things don’t go right. And I suffer a lot of guilt when I know I should move on from one of them. And I just wonder if anyone else has that.

LIZ: Well, we are living in a very sort of rarefied urban culture. But the way I grew up, families didn’t have friends. They just had relatives. And I lived my whole life growing up with relatives, except for whatever little friends I made in school. My cousins and aunts and poor relations were who we socialized with. I find that really sort of tragic in the end. People need to go out of their families and make friends and have this experience that you’re talking about which, of course, I now have in spades because there are only a few nieces and nephews left that I am related to any more. So my friends are really important to me. In Texas I have two girlfriends that are exactly my age. I went to college with one of them and started kindergarten with the other.

JONI: Lesley, you were going to say something?

LESLEY: Some of you have heard me say this before, but I think that, for women, our girlfriends become just what Joni said – family. Liz, you find that when you leave your parents, you need to recreate a family. You need that. As we need food, love and shelter, we need to have connections with other women. We all need to feel we can talk to someone and share happiness and sadness and communicate in a really deep way with women. It goes back to caveman times when women stayed home while the men went out and hunted, and we stayed together in a circle. I think it’s a deep, absolute necessity for our lives, our happiness and health.

MARY: Except for my daughters, most of my friends in my life have been people I’ve been working with, one place or another, because we have so much in common and we share so much. And I found that men have been extremely satisfying as friends. Whenever a man became my friend and trusted me he would tell me everything.

LIZ: I agree. Men are great talkers, great gossips and very engaging.

MARY: Women are much more communicative than men are normally. And women become like your sisters right away, sort of. But when a man trusts you and becomes your friend he tells you more than even women do. They just lay down on the floor and tell you everything.

LIZ: I agree with Mary. One of the greatest things that happened to me, as I grew older and got out of the romance rat race, was that I began making friends with men. And men are not afraid to be friends with you. They know you’ll not try to marry them or get their money or something. And I’ve had really incredible experiences in the last 10 years with men, becoming friends with men. And it’s wonderful. It’s a real gift. Lesley, it’s how I feel about your Aaron. I feel he’s really my friend, as well as I feel you are. And I could see Aaron – go to him with a problem or ask him to help me or something like that. And that’s very dear to me.

107 Reader Comments (so far…) Sign In or Register to comment

One thing you guys made me think of, my friends’ view of me helps me become a better person.

By Mugsy Peabody on 04/10/2008 4:24 pm

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Posted: 4/10/08 What I’m discovering is that friendships become even more important to women that are single. One of my editors recently interview Bella De Paulo on her new book “Singled Out”. In the article the author discusses why sharing experiences and interests with friends is so valuable - particularly for single women. If you go to www.singleminedwomen.com, you will find Bella’s interview. As to how to make new friends, it sometimes means stepping outside your comfort zone and opening yourself up to new relationships. I’ve started taking lessons from my 6-year old who will approach anyone and ask “Do you want to play with me? Sounds simple, but for women like me who work and have a family, finding the time to make new friends was not easy. So, I took Bella’s advice and recently joined a women’s only network group and met some wonderful women with similar business interests that I now consider friends.

By Allison O'Connor on 04/10/2008 5:40 pm

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Yes, but I’ve always had trouble with “Just how does one go about MAKING friends?” I have not had an office type of job, where friends or potential friends, are “built in.” How does one go about making friends? Since I am alone at work (Solitary job), there is no one here to make friends with, and the husband is definitely NOT a friend—more like adversary! Should I talk to just anyone about?

By J Boylynn on 04/10/2008 4:45 pm

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J. Boylynn—If you have a particular hobby or interest maybe join a group that fits it, i.e., a symphony league, woman’s group, book/film/cooking/language/investment club. Can check meetup.com in your city, and Craigslist.com also has activities, or look in your local paper. Or, you might feel more comfortable helping people, as in a Candy Striper at a hospital…and then you’d meet people there too. Have fun, good luck.

By Buh-Bye Hillary Hillary Buh-Bye on 04/11/2008 2:31 am

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I have found that making friends as an adult is a lot tougher than it sounds, particularly if you don’t have a work environment where you have a lot of people with at least one common interest to build on. I work from home and I rarely see anyone with whom I feel I can build a friendship. I used to have a friendship base in the parents of my children’s friends, but my kids are grown and gone now and so are most of those friends. My husband and I used to work in community theater and had a lot of friends there, but we have all grown up now and moved on. I have some neighbors that I have known for 30 years, but none I would really call friends — they are the recipients of the “smile and wave” syndrome. They have all lived here all their lives and have no need of or use for relative strangers, even strangers who have lived here for 30 years. So where to go? People offer up things like join a book club. Have you EVER tried to just walk into an established book club? Not so easy……..you can sit there but being accepted and talked to is a whole other can of worms. Maybe it’s where I live — Yankees are notoriously unfriendly and self-contained. And I have noticed that people who live in cold climates are less friendly and welcoming than those who live in places where you can be outdoors all year long. In the warm weather, people stop by and talk to me when they see me out in my garden — mostly wanting cuttings of my plants and shrubs — but never has a friendship developed from one of these conversations. So I’m just as lost as you are, although the internet has saved my sanity in that it lets me stay in close touch with old friends who live far away. Without that, I would be totally solitary………

By Linford Doyle on 04/11/2008 9:38 am

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I have worked at home for 26 years and made my best friends in writing, on the internet. My sister, who lives in the same town with me, says these are not real friends. She calls them my”little internet buddies.” But I get along better with them than with family. I have started a business with one (http://writerscatablog.com) and gone through cancer (not mine, knock on wood) with another, as well as death of a parent with a third. We “talk” many times daily. They do not try to ‘play’ like my child does sometimes and want what’s best for me. We talk each other through everything. Will we ever meet? You mean, in person? Hmmmm, don’t know. I don’t think about that too much.

By Star Lawrence on 04/11/2008 10:11 am

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I think I’m a “Solitary” sometimes. Solitaries are people who stand alone. They don’t sit around feeling lonely, they actually operate most cheerfully and best, in solitude. Look up “weird” in the dictionary and you’ll see that it stems from the old cultural wonder and mistrust of Hermits and others who withdrew outside the monestery and lived forever. But even the weirdest of Solitaries, on occasion, venture out into the community. Y’gotta get groceries. And I think, more often that not, when they’re accepted, we learn great things. I’m not talking about the isolationists, the iconoclasts, who have a predetermined target or audience and therefore cannot be disturbed or exposed. I’m not talking ANTI-Social. Brahms was a Solitary, by my definition…with a lot friends he could go visit when he needed a break. Alot of artists have it in them. Socials are a little confused when a Solitary appears in their midst. They’ll chat, but don’t call too often or drop by. But then, I can be very selective when it comes to “reaching out”.

By Ms. Dee on 04/13/2008 11:46 am

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Ms. Dee - you would be one of the wonderful Introverts of the world. People have a hard time understanding us because we can be so content alone (dare i say i have so much fun with myself it should be illegal?). You might enjoy some of the articles at one of my sites called www.introvertbydesign.com. You’re right: introverted is not anti social…but people are so trained to value outgoing more than introvert, it just makes it a challenge to have to explain all the time.

By Cynthia Schultz on 10/23/2008 4:37 pm

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Hey J… I can relate. My challenge is that I have my own business and the majority of the people that I interact with are clients of mine who bring their children to my business. I truly like many of these people but have found through the years that I can’t always trust these friendships since these relationships are built on a service I am providing. Many times I’ve felt I had a true friendship only to find that people’s loyalty often shifts with the wind. When I work the business end of my business I am also basically working alone from home. It’s hard for me to meet people outside of my business because ultimately that is where my passion lies and when you work for yourself, it is all consuming and there isn’t any “free” time. …Ahh the challenge of the self employed!

By Erin W on 04/12/2008 1:15 am

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do you meet people socially? if u do u can make friends. or u can join a club or group and make friends. here in india i tell my patients to join exercise or yoga classes for women and they end up making a lot of friends there. i am a psychiatrist, i have many patients with ur problem

By debjani bandyopadhyaya on 04/12/2008 9:04 am

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I have not got many friends. I have many acquaintances My best friend is my husband which has it pluses and minuses. Since you do not work around a lot of people and neighboring has become a thing of the past for many perhaps you could get involved in a church group. I am very close to my family (sisters and sister-in-laws) They are also my real friends. I bet you have more friends then you think.

By K B on 04/12/2008 11:33 am

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I’m sorry it took so long to respond, but since you’re in a solitary situation, I wanted to givve you my best shot at it. For one thing, in trusting new people, you might well do what women dating through dating services do — don’t invite people to your home, but go out for coffee…. In a way, “date” your friends as you get to know them. But I’m thinking maybe the job isn’t so great for you, because you’re lonely at home and lonely at work, and that sucks the big one. Since you are in a great area to live in, as many have suggested below, go do the things you would love to do. Check out any groups in your area that make sense to you. Watch people and when you see someone who has “what you want” (to be, usually, that means), invite them for coffee, and chat with them. Don’t put it out up front that you are looking for friends because people wonder why you don’t already have friends. That’s not a bad thing, just a clanny old holdover… It will take some time. But put a note up on Craigs list, for example, and find people who want to play Scrabble. You can meet at a coffee shop every week and play Scrabble. Things grow out of that. I think your postings on this site are very sweet, and I think as people get to know you, you’ll make friends. You’re just a little rusty. Good luck.

By Mugsy Peabody on 04/12/2008 12:11 pm

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I found it hard living in a new area to make friends.I grew up in militairy communities ,where your friends on the block became your family,support group.this was the way you felt you belonged.Now living in the city, things have changed,but I still firmly believe they are out there,Friends,like in the second hand store where I have met people lonely with a story to tell if you will listen.We all have to step out and reach forward unafraid of rejection willing to take chances, to make new aquaintances who in future could become new friends.I go to church where I have met a few new people.I am from the east where people Know everything going on.I would here stories often in the coffee shop or at gatherings.My next step is the pool and I havent been there in years.I bought a a new 1 peice as i am not quite as small as I once was.Good luck to you in your quest…I am hopping I might make some here..

By Joanne Watts on 04/22/2008 10:39 am

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Hi Mugsy, that is wonderful advice I am taking it. That is why I am on this site. every time I make a friend it lasts a while and then they disappear. I and my Husband had found a couple they have two children. It was great we would get together twice a week one to play cards the other to eat. I also would go twice a week to be with the children, we would paint, draw, write, whatever. As much pain I was in it did not matter I did it. Then they split up. He took the car and left her with the kids. My Husband let her our car I stayed with the children. I got the older one off to school and entertain the little one. Then one day she lost the children to the father. He stopped letting me see the kids. He took my husband ‘s way of helping the girlfriend as not being his friend. we lost every one. I still send birthday cards with stickers and a small gift for each of them at Christmas. But I tried to find my friend but she is lost. And I have been lost also. I do not trust that even with my Husband to do that again. My heart was broken. But now I am making new kind of friends. Like you and a few others. Friendship is so valuable you should not waste a minute telling your friend that you CARE and that you are there for them EVERY TIME. for ANYTHING. Take Care Mugsy and remember I CARE and I am HERE! Love Ya………….

By CAROLINE MuLVEY on 04/30/2008 3:29 pm

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Hi There, being alone too long can have a terrible effect on your mental state. I think it’s high time for you to make a real effort to get out and mingle. I’ve moved around a lot for business reasons and found that local clubs and organizations are a good place to start. It takes time to sift through the ‘folks’ but you will find someone with whom you ‘hit it off.’ All the best and hang in there. Most people are fortunate to call one person ‘friend’ in a lifetime.

By Pauline Waldt on 04/24/2008 2:22 am