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Conversation | 04/10/2008 11:58 am

'My Friends Become My Family of My Own Choosing'

'My Friends Become My Family of My Own Choosing'
(c) Shutterstock

EDITOR’S NOTE: Also featuring special guest, Joni Evans, CEO of wowOwow

JONI: Let’s talk about friendship. I’m talking about long-term old friends, and what happens with those. And how important are they to us? What happens when one disappoints us or when we’ve outgrown an old friend? Do we feel guilt? Do we feel obligation? And who were our friends? Who made differences in our lives? One thing I feel is that when one loses one’s parents as I have, I find my friends become my family – my family of my own choosing. So I take friends much more seriously than I ever did and I am hurt by them when things don’t go right. And I suffer a lot of guilt when I know I should move on from one of them. And I just wonder if anyone else has that.

LIZ: Well, we are living in a very sort of rarefied urban culture. But the way I grew up, families didn’t have friends. They just had relatives. And I lived my whole life growing up with relatives, except for whatever little friends I made in school. My cousins and aunts and poor relations were who we socialized with. I find that really sort of tragic in the end. People need to go out of their families and make friends and have this experience that you’re talking about which, of course, I now have in spades because there are only a few nieces and nephews left that I am related to any more. So my friends are really important to me. In Texas I have two girlfriends that are exactly my age. I went to college with one of them and started kindergarten with the other.

JONI: Lesley, you were going to say something?

LESLEY: Some of you have heard me say this before, but I think that, for women, our girlfriends become just what Joni said – family. Liz, you find that when you leave your parents, you need to recreate a family. You need that. As we need food, love and shelter, we need to have connections with other women. We all need to feel we can talk to someone and share happiness and sadness and communicate in a really deep way with women. It goes back to caveman times when women stayed home while the men went out and hunted, and we stayed together in a circle. I think it’s a deep, absolute necessity for our lives, our happiness and health.

MARY: Except for my daughters, most of my friends in my life have been people I’ve been working with, one place or another, because we have so much in common and we share so much. And I found that men have been extremely satisfying as friends. Whenever a man became my friend and trusted me he would tell me everything.

LIZ: I agree. Men are great talkers, great gossips and very engaging.

MARY: Women are much more communicative than men are normally. And women become like your sisters right away, sort of. But when a man trusts you and becomes your friend he tells you more than even women do. They just lay down on the floor and tell you everything.

LIZ: I agree with Mary. One of the greatest things that happened to me, as I grew older and got out of the romance rat race, was that I began making friends with men. And men are not afraid to be friends with you. They know you’ll not try to marry them or get their money or something. And I’ve had really incredible experiences in the last 10 years with men, becoming friends with men. And it’s wonderful. It’s a real gift. Lesley, it’s how I feel about your Aaron. I feel he’s really my friend, as well as I feel you are. And I could see Aaron – go to him with a problem or ask him to help me or something like that. And that’s very dear to me.

107 Reader Comments (so far…) Sign In or Register to comment

Carla Altland
I have been thinking about this subject on friends since I wrote yesterday and wanted to say that having conversations with your friends is more than just what the dr. ordered to stay healthy , but it is essential to have other people in your life other than family and even a spouse too. Yes, some do have that kind of friendship with their husband or wife,but to have some kind of perspective and someone who does not always have the answers ,but is fun to listen and to laugh with..Laughter can help so much in sorting out the different issues and like it is said so many times, Laughter is a great medicine for what ails you! Taking the time to have others is what so many ” busy ” women need , to be more balanced in their lives. We are not an island and need others to be more joyful and content .. We can learn from anyone and to have those special people in our lives is good and healthy. But remember to try and converse and let the other person speak and not just a tirade of your own thoughts and problems.. over a meal or even coffee or tea is a way to catch up with what is going on in one’s own heart and a dear other person’s too.. Slow down and talk more…
By Carla Altland on 04/11/2008 3:54 pm
SheilaMia DeStefano
I recently saw a t-shirt that read, “friends are God’s reward for punishing us with our families”…. okay, a bit severe but I laughed. Recently friendship has been a topic on my mind. I have so many wonderful women friends, I truly feel like a lucky gal. Recently I had to re-evaluate a friendship as I recognized that the respect just was not being reciprocated. Life is short and precious. We should chose to spend time with those who display acceptance, honesty, respect toward us and… to get down to basics, we truly like them! I know that I have tried to fit a square peg into a round hole way too many times and I’m making a conscious effort to change that mentality.
By SheilaMia DeStefano on 04/11/2008 5:01 pm
Angelina Avedano
I have been friends with 3 lovely ladies— we call ourselves “The Diva’s!” for fun. We first met in a parenting support group to help us cope with our wayward children. Well, now the kids seem to be moving on, and so are we… It’s odd this ebb and flow of relationships. I agree with Lesley’s observation that we make choices about who stays and who goes, and I don’t know how that happens really. I feel that same sense of guilt when things seem to be ebbing. Our group of four has gone through so much together. We’ve laughed, cried, and prayed each other through some very dark times. Even so, it seems that as time goes on we are all moving in very different directions. There is a part of me that wants to hang on. Maybe this is just part of a cycle and we will eventually begin to reconnect. But I can’t help but grieve a little for the loss of that deep intimacy that is born out of pain. While I rejoice in the process of living and changing and growing— there is a letting go that has to happen. That “letting go” can feel like a loss.
By Angelina Avedano on 04/11/2008 9:20 pm
Lena B
I’ve recently been forced to examine my trust issues with women. I need to relax and just open up. I like my sisters at church and very much enjoy the fellowship. No one on one connection yet, I don’t take it personally- everyone is busy. I like the suggestions to join a social activity, but as a busy working mom that’s a challenge.
By Lena B on 04/11/2008 10:39 pm
Renee B
I lost a dear friend 6 months ago. There is not a moment that goes by that I do not think of her. My best friend had a heart attack two years ago and since the death of my friend and my other friends heart attack and I am more mindful how little time we all have. We don’t have time for bullshit! We need to say what we need to say, love each other without conditions and be there for one another. My friends are definitely my family and I let them know every time we speak how much I love them.
By Renee B on 04/11/2008 10:52 pm
CAROLINE MuLVEY
Renee, I am so sorry to hear about your friend. That is a very hard way to lose a person that you love and depend on. I am glad that you have other friends to help you get through your lost.I am also glad that you found this site. I just know that you will make more friends to share your feelings with. And this is a place were your opinion counts. Welcome.
By CAROLINE MuLVEY on 04/12/2008 3:59 pm
Elizabeth Cochran
TO HAVE A FRIEND YOU HAVE TO BE ONE!
By Elizabeth Cochran on 04/12/2008 6:18 am
BJ MS
The whole subject of friendships makes me a little sad. I hate to say this, but my three closest friends are just alot of work. One is so stressed and sad that she is no fun (and I worry). Another has a drinking problem and continues to smoke, so I don’t want to be around her (and I worry). They all have awful problems with their children and/or their partners…It’s just hard to have any time with them that is satisfying. I sound selfish, but I do give and listen…I just wish we could have a few laughs, like we used to and I wonder how can I continue these friendships when I am not really telling them the truth. I’m not being a good friend. I’m just sitting still and hoping they come back someday. Does anyone else find that some older women are very grouchy? Maybe I should call Cindi Lauper…I just want to have fun. B
By BJ MS on 04/12/2008 7:36 am
Galina Lukin
Hello! I love your thought that friends become your family of your OWN CHOOSING. How do we cheese them if we want them to stay? We have to share common beliefs, hopes, plans, otherwise who wants to stick around?? Very few times in my life I had a chance to see people become friends if they had nothing in common, usually there is a strong foundation of mutual values - then if all that is true how come that Barak Obama cannot be judged by his “friendships” that he elevated to the level of family. Friens are our voluntary family, somebody has to tell Barak Obama about it!
By Galina Lukin on 04/12/2008 8:04 am
Ms. Dee
Oh, Dan. I think (I’m not sure) Galina’s saying if “friend” equals “family” and O’bama’s minister is still his friend, then O’bama and his minister are family; i.e. closer in ideology and shared values than he wants us to think. But I’m with you. Not only does any individual’s spiritual journey fail to yield much clairty, even to the individual who’s on it; the perpetual parsing of every word that comes out of O’bama’s mouth says more about us than it does about him. I’m just hoping it will move the conversation from race to poverty. Let’s admit that poverty and desperation do exist in America…and evidently, another big wave is on the way. Then we might discuss: What do the desperate cling to? How do they sustain themselves? How does a strong and vibrant nation respond? These aren’t star-fish washed up on a beach. These are people, families, friends. These are Americans.
By Ms. Dee on 04/13/2008 1:37 pm
DOE STOWELL
judith viorst’s book “Necesssary Losses” {yes, i know the book title should be underlined, but i am not, unfortunately, a tech wizard like liz} spoke to this new, old, temporary, revived, letting go that still resonates with me. also i have found Jean Shinoda Bolen’s new book “Crones Don”t Whine” an ahah book. it’s true of the older woman, {by the way, when does elderly come in?} and I have found delight in it. keep your underliner handy as you will want to find yourself in it. doe stowell
By DOE STOWELL on 04/12/2008 12:16 pm
quiltsis one
Reading all your responses have made me realise I’ve been lucky in my friends and my family. My family has made me realise that no matter if we disagree, hurt one another or carry old resentments (from way too far back) we still love one another, support each other and most rewarding of all LIKE and enjoy one another. They’ve taught me about the tides of relationship; we do ebb and flow but we always return. Luckily there has been no possessiveness or ‘keep out’ signs, as a result our family also includes our friends who have enriched us all and added much spice to the recipe of our family. Somehow my parents, or theirs, installed tolerence of all our varieties and differences as the starting point of family. We’ve had our ups and downs but everyone still enjoys our ‘Sunday Dinner’.
By quiltsis one on 04/12/2008 1:56 pm
Marie Frechette
All my life I have been blessed with many friends. I have one from my childhood, many from work, another due to her tragic circumstances in life. Friends are there when you need them. I recently lost my mother. One friend came 6 hours to visit, another flew up and handled my emotions at the funeral, another has checked on me or gone to lunch every week. Truly, good friends. I also have had several guy friends. When one of them died last year it ripped my heart out. We were definitely closer than siblings and I had been incorporated into his whole family. It makes me realize that the reality of losing good friends is beginning. It is a fact of life. I don’t ever want my fear of the loss of their love keep me from loving. If you lose a friend, I tell myself that I would not hurt this badly if I had not loved that much.
By Marie Frechette on 04/12/2008 2:26 pm
J B
My best friend is my sister, Joni Evans. Can anyone beat that?
By J B on 04/13/2008 9:20 am
Ms. Dee
Best? Is this a contest? To see who has the best BFF? (teasing, Joyce.) Must be purty durn swell! I feel really bad about it, but my sister and I don’t get along at all. She’s not a “celebrity” like your sister, but I admire her accomplishments and still wish there was some way to close the gap between us. I’ve made too many overtures, and for whatever reason I’m sure she’s rejecting me “by the book.” So I just keep still about it and leave the door open, mentally, if she ever does turn around. We still mail each other Christmas gifts, so there’s hope. My most enduring friend has always been really close to her sister, and it looks like it must be fun. But I love the dynamic of friendhship in that rings throughout this convesation. Liz says she just “slid into it!” Common purpose, in my own experience, has bred some very dear relationships.
By Ms. Dee on 04/13/2008 1:05 pm