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Conversation | 04/01/2008 9:06 pm

'Trust Your Gut, It’s the Only Thing That Separates You From Everybody Else'

© Shutterstock

JOAN JULIET BUCK: Let’s talk about gut feelings.

SHEILA: Guts, did you say?

JOAN JULIET BUCK: Gut feelings. G-U-T.

SHEILA: OK. Where is that exactly?

JOAN JULIET BUCK: Well, it’s when you know something and you don’t know why you know it. Do any of you have this?

LIZ: No. I’ll tell you something, though. When you’re writing, like I am, where you’re on the brink of being sued all the time, I have learned, to my peril, that if I don’t follow my gut, every time I don’t, then later I wish I did. I’d say to myself later, “But you knew this was going to cause a lot of trouble and you couldn’t back it up.”

JOAN JULIET BUCK: Is it a little voice in your head? What is it?

LIZ: Yeah. It’s a little voice in my head: “I’d better do something else about this. Nail it down a little further.” I try to take my own advice. So I guess that’s a gut feeling.

SHEILA: You have to trust your gut because it’s the only thing that separates you from everybody else. You really do have to trust it and it takes a lot of confidence and a lot of wiles to sort of say, “I’m going to go with that.”

LIZ: Well let me ask Judith Martin a question. Judith, you are one of the most elegant and precise writers that I know and whenever you say that somebody should fold their napkin a certain way, or whatever it is you’re concerned with, I’m always sure you’re right. But are you always sure you’re right?

JUDITH: On that subject, yes. I don’t mean just the napkins; the whole business of etiquette. But I notice when other people try to do it, they do it only from their point of view. So if they are receiving presents on an occasion, they say, “Nobody cares if you write thank you letters.” But if you’re sending them, they do care. So I have no doubts on that.

LIZ: OK, you say don’t trust their point of view. What point of view do you trust?

JUDITH: Mine.

LIZ: What was your educational experience in this field?

JUDITH: Like all of us of this age, we were the subjects of child rearing when we were little. It wasn’t anything special. We all learned this kind of thing. And then I always had an interest in the history of manners. And so I’ve been reading that all my life. When I make these pronouncements that I am sure are right, I’m rather doing what a judge is doing in a courtroom. Both lawyers know the law and by this time the defendant knows the law. But you have to weigh, and balance, and make some kind of decision. And that’s what I’ve been doing.

But I was going to say, on an uncharacteristically humbler level, that when I’m writing about something else – like my last book on Venice – I have information in my head because I’ve been reading Venetian history all my life. And I’m sure that some such and such happened. But when I’m putting it in a book I have to look it up. And when I look it up and when I do the research, I very often find that I have a better story in my head or my gut, if you will, than actually happened. So in that case, I’m very … when dealing with factual information, I’m very particular because I know the temptation of spinning it into better than reality.

LIZ: Well, I agree. I mean, I always regret if I didn’t research something. Many times I remember it in a slightly different way or I’ve forgotten the real point of it or something.

Read more about: Career

121 Reader Comments (so far…) Sign In or Register to comment

Kudrat Kaur
GUT and timing is everything. You listen to your feelings even when asleep but do we follow up on each and every GUT impulse - we allow reason to play a role. Realistically womens GUT is best utilized by developing her sense of intuition we are blessed and can make greater strides in that frontier than our counterpart!!
By Kudrat Kaur on 04/08/2008 1:34 pm
ann burke
great convo. we use many parts of ourselves to size up situations and people. Mine has never been wrong and I’m a psychotherapist!
By ann burke on 04/09/2008 4:30 pm
Kay Sara
Discernment should be taught to kids. This is something that should not be left to the glib quote of the day. “Follow your heart” “When in doubt, don’t” “just go with the facts” “reality is perception”.
By Kay Sara on 04/08/2008 1:35 pm
alice ruth
Speaking of quotes—I just put on my bulletin board above my desk: “Experience + Intellect + Gut = Good Judgment”. Thanks, Joan
By alice ruth on 04/13/2008 9:30 am
kat
Ladies-always always trust your gut or intuition. I will relay (in condenst form) the reason why i must say always. It was an unseasonably warm December. I had done a lot of shopping for my holiday baking, dropped everything off at my home and proceeded to pick my daughter from school. As I pulled into the drive, I sensed that a male was in my home. I first thought that perhaps my husband had come home early. I pushed the feeling aside. The door was doubled lock when i used my key to enter. As I walked into the foyer, another entrance door opened and to my suprise, it was a strange man who was burglarizing my home and had entered from the back. I might add that he was so brazen as to break a window to enter. I pushed my 8 year old daughter behind me and begged him not to harm us, i took my daughter and ran into the street screaming for help. The burglar had to exit through front door and was right behind me. Thank god we were not harmed physically, but i can tell you it took my daughter one year before she would sleep in her own room. So please do not doubt your gut!
By kat on 04/08/2008 1:36 pm
Mrs M
I have to say that my gut is hopeless. My first instincts are invariably the worst and i have learned over the years to try to ignore my first feelings about a subject and, if it is important, really think before I act. That said, it is in my character to jump in the deep end anyway! Luckily (or unluckily) my husband always seems to be able to judge a situation properly and if I listen to him (mostly I dont) things turn out alright. Really annoying, that.
By Mrs M on 04/08/2008 1:57 pm
Sharon Belko
I had to learn a valuable “gut” lesson a few years ago - and have never doubted it since. In 1992 my kids seemed to think I needed to get married again (after being happily single for 18 yrs) - for $ security reasons. The man was a nice, decent, pleasant person - and on our wedding day my gut kept telling me “do NOT do this!” I plowed on and it took me eight long years to get out of a miserable situation. I got out, moved to a new state, started a new life and have ALWAYS listened to my gut since then. I try to keep my head AND my gut in sync and then I’m usually ok!
By Sharon Belko on 04/08/2008 3:56 pm
Cheeky Wombat
Sharon, I was just thinking the same exact thing when I read your “lesson”. I also say when you are standing in front of the judge/minister/whomever and that little voice is screaming “don’t do it”, then don’t do it. It has been 26 years since I heard that voice and it took me a year to get myself out of the horrifying situation. He was emotionally abusive. While I wish that I had never had the experience it did teach me a lot about myself and helped to make me a stronger person. Kinda like God only throws at you what you can handle and it makes you stronger in the process.
By Cheeky Wombat on 04/08/2008 11:00 pm
Bella Mia
I have great respect for my husband who follows his gut because I know he is a principled, ethical person. Scam artists are great at reading people, manipulating them, and they feel just fine about it - they go with their narcissistic gut feelings. I think that in order for it to be good gut feelings, people have to be relatively ethical to begin with - then those feelings will dictate healthy, non-toxic actions. That’s why it’s always good to double check a gut feeling with a friend. I see how my friend who is losing everything has a gut telling her to be even more self-destructive. I try to remind her that she has so many blessings, and it helps to ease her burden. So I’m big on the whole “enlightened” gut thing.
By Bella Mia on 04/08/2008 4:18 pm
J B
Gut…Intuition…I believe they are the same. My husband believes I am psychic..but I’m not. I learned long ago to trust my gut, that first “feeling” that comes over you…TRUST IT! My intuition has saved my life twice. But where it showed itself the most was several years ago, my then 25 year old son, a Naval Officer, was stationed in Chicago. His hobby is restoring muscle cars. He told me he had a friend who was going to let him use his garage to work on his “project” at the time. As he described the garage (I have never been to Chicago) a feeling came over me. I said “Promise me…you will NOT use this garage…find another place. Please.” My son had learned years before that I had an uncanny sense of things, so he promised. Two weeks later, another young man who DID use that garage to do repairs on his car, was killed in that very garage during an armed robbery. When I tell anyone in my family I “just have a feeling”…they pay attention. A woman’s intuition, if she knows how to “hear it”…is a powerful thing.
By J B on 04/08/2008 5:04 pm
S.E. S
My intuition is always right. Over the years I’ve learned it’s best not to fight it even when I really don’t want to listen to it. Time always proves it in the end. :) SES http://www.metalcyberspace.com
By S.E. S on 04/08/2008 5:29 pm
Andrea York
When I was in my 20’s and met a new guy, my immediate “gut” reaction to him was always, always right. I ignored it every time. I suffered the consequences. An older, wise friend of mine suggested I write down my “gut” feeling on the guy as soon as I met him, put it away, and take it out a few days, weeks later. Once I realized I was always right the first time, I started listening and acting on my initial “gut” feelings. Over the years I have learned to not brush away that little voice but to listen to it and act accordingly. It has never failed me. It is my friend. I believe that little voice is truly the voice of reason, the voice you hear BEFORE you get too emotionally involved to be objective. This covers the whole spectrum. Love, career, motherhood, friendship. Listen to the first little, squeaky voice telling you the truth.
By Andrea York on 04/08/2008 5:48 pm
Buh-Bye Hillary Hillary Buh-Bye
Gut feelings are intuition—the sixth sense. Many are born with heightened musical, visual, kinetic sensibilities, etc., and many women especially have inherently high intuition—which outwits men’s superior physical power. I LOVE research, and researc everything then ultimately trust my intuition. The first time I experienced intuition I was five and in the car next to my mother as she drove to the market. Since I too short to see out of the car window, and to make me stay seated without making a command or a fuss, she’d take along a picture book and say, “Tell me the story.” I was concentrated on making up a story to go with the pictures as my mother stopped and then started through an intersection. Without seeing or thinking about anything and from something unexplainable and automatic within I emphatically stated. “That car will not stop!” We were 1/3 into the intersection when my mother slammed on the brakes. A large car speed through the opposite sign without stopping and within an inch of our front grill at such a high speed that it shook our car. If we’d continued through the stop it would have broadsided and probably killed us. I never again saw such a look of shock on my mother’s face as she looked down at me and said, “How did you know that?!” Many things have happened to me throughout life that I knew in advance. My first husband used to say to people, “If you don’t want her to know something don’t even give her a clue—she’ll guess the entire situation and be right.” Remember, Apollo’s Oracle of Delphi was a woman who even the greatest of the ancient Greek philosophers called on. Our culture is based on theirs, and over every Greek doorway was the motto, “Know Thyself.” We are so far from that essential wisdom. Intuition is a link into the great collective conscious. Everything in the universe is a web of electromagnetics and it is the strongest of the four physics forces—so this just makes sense. The link is strongest, just like setting the dial to a radio station, to the degree that a woman is cleared of emotional, physical, and spiritual static/clutter.
By Buh-Bye Hillary Hillary Buh-Bye on 04/08/2008 5:57 pm
MARK KLEIN, M.D.
Following the gut instinct is for the young who have better chances of fully recovering from screwups. Divorce rates wouldn’t be so high and investors in AAA rate subprime paper so slammed with humongous losses were people’s gut reactions for love and money weren’t so inherently flawed. Too soon old, too late smart.
By MARK KLEIN, M.D. on 04/08/2008 6:05 pm
Buh-Bye Hillary Hillary Buh-Bye
Investors in AAA subprime paper wouldn’t be so slammed with humongous losses IF 1) Under the Bush Administration unregulated derivatives hadn’t exploded from $7 trillion to $700 trillion, and subprime mortagages bundled together in billion dollar pools of these shark like investments that Warren Buffet called sewage with the sole purpose of gaming the system. The oxymoronic idea that AAA and subprime belong together on an investment OUGHT to be warning enough. “People’s” intuition isn’t what’s to blame…it’s their drives that OVER RIDE them. Greed and Fear are what cause the problems. Perhaps too soon old…and still not smart enough, eh Doc?
By Buh-Bye Hillary Hillary Buh-Bye on 04/08/2008 9:10 pm