Conversation | 06/16/2008 12:00 am

Advice to Those About to Marry: Don't! Here's Why ...

With Jane Wagner, Judith Martin, Liz Smith and Mary Wells

MARY: What are the ways the guest is mistreated, besides having to be there and endure it?

JUDITH: They’re dunned for money – the greed associated with weddings today is incredible. And the bridal industry, in recommending all these expensive things, is full of little hints about how to beg for others to help finance it, which is a revolting idea. They’re told to wait for hours while photographs are taken.

JANE: The thrill has gone out of it sometimes.

JUDITH: Oh, absolutely. Absolutely. Because it’s overblown to the point where people can’t cope with it. And dignity, of course, is the first thing that goes by the way. I did a wedding book some years ago and I am revising it because there have been all kinds of horrible new ideas that have sprung up since I first wrote it. And people have come to believe a lot of misinformation that they are getting from those who have a financial interest in the situation, to the point where they’re pressured to do things that are, again, vulgar and greedy. We’re going to have a special section in the book where my daughter, who is not only a bride now, but has been, many times, a bridesmaid and wedding guest, is going to deal with what happens when you mean well and you’re trying to have something nice for everyone and yet you are being pressured, even by your friends, into doing all kinds of things that you find distasteful.

But people spend a year putting on something that’s a cross between the Academy Awards and a reality show ...

JANE: I think all people about to get married should watch Neil Simon’s Plaza Suite, where they have that wedding scene — Walter Matthau and Lee Grant, and the daughter locks herself in the bathroom and doesn’t come out. The cake is melting and —

MARY: You women really amaze me. I mean, I’ve seen maybe 30 weddings and everybody’s as happy as they can be and the brides are beautiful and they’re sweet and I’m sure there are some of these things that you’re talking about. But there are an awful lot of people who have pretty weddings.

JANE: Wonderful weddings. I know.

MARY: And the brides feel beautiful and they have a lovely day and —

JUDITH: There are. But I’m talking about … I’m getting huge numbers, hundreds and hundreds of letters from people with these problems. I’m not just guessing or using my own experience.

Read more about: Culture, Etiquette, Relationships, Weddings

99 Reader Comments (so far…) Sign In or Register to comment

So, actually, you don’t mean ‘don’t get married’- you mean ‘turn off the marriage machine’. Reverse the brain-washing process, strip the whole thing back to the absolute basics (2 people and an officiator), and then thoughtfully add back in the elements that matter to you (perhaps applying that accessories rule of taking off 2 as soon as you think you are at the right level). Recast it in terms of what the point of the wedding is about. In the nicest weddings that I have been to there always seems to come a moment in the ceremony in which the sense of it being an ‘event’ stops and there is a stillness, when everybody gathered together is ‘in the moment’, which becomes a shared moment. And after that, all the rest is just a gathering of people who have shared a lovely moment and are happy to be together.

By Kate Puddlejumper on 06/16/2008 12:41 am

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My wedding sounds like that Nancy Sinatra song, ‘Jackson.’ You know, ‘We got married in a fever’, blah, blah, blah. I got married in the basement of the Reno, NV Court House. We were both so drunk we didn’t even know what date it actually was. I had on the same clothes that I had been gambling in all day. When I called my parents to let them know and to wish my father Happy Father’s Day, he responded with, ‘the cad finally made an honest man outta himself.’ The best part of this type of wedding ‘fairy tale’ is that when you get divorced you don’t have the pictures, the dress, the memories, and the debt to drag along as excess baggage. I never had that little girl dream of getting married. In fact, I always told my parents that I was going to live with them forever. They should have listened to me because I came back home 19 years ago and never left again. Don’t get me wrong, I have enjoyed and participated in friend’s weddings. I have been a great donor of bridesmaid’s dresses to the prom dress closet for young women who can’t afford to buy a dress. I agree that the spectacular, expensive weddings that are being done nowdays are a big waste of money. It could be used to pay down student loans, eliminate credit card debt, and if you are lucky make a down-payment on your first house, condo, apt. together. Maybe it isn’t the knight on the white horse, but it is a lot better than starting your life together saddled in debt.

By C A Rose on 06/16/2008 12:42 am

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That sounds like my wedding C A, only not as much alcohol was involved. He called me at work on a Friday morning because all his patients had canceled. We got a license from the courthouse but there was no one available to marry us. So we (with a couple of friends, his father, and his father’s lady friend) had lunch in a local deli. Then we drove to another courthouse where there was a judge available in the afternoon. So we got married and then I went back to the office. He had patients on Saturday so on Sunday we went on a 1-day honeymoon to a local resort. The marriage lasted four years, which was about three and a half years too long.

By Emma Pathey on 06/16/2008 1:05 am

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I agree with Liz, these $30,000 weddings are beautiful…….stressful and further more expensive to everyone attending. Even if it’s just a wedding gift (min.$200) you have to buy new clothes……if it’s out of town you have the travel expense…….Hotel expenses. It goes on and on. I recently went to a small wedding (not outlandish) but I still had the expensive of a hotel for two nights……..the gifts and my own expenses for the two days of travel time. It cost me $1,000………As my mother would have said…..be grateful Dona you had the $1000 to spend) there have been many times in my life when I couldn’t have done that. I think a simple wedding ceremony before a judge or minister is wonderful…….Throw a big party after they return from their honeymoon. Everyone has a good time then. I got married by a Justice of the Peace in Nevada………couldn’t have gotten any more simple. Had a great marriage that lasted for 37 years. I remember the weddings of years gone by. Simple…….after the simple ceremony every one had a piece of wedding cake, cup of coffee and watched the bride and groom open their gifts………That was fun……… No stress just sweetness and fun………

By Dona Howlett on 06/16/2008 1:17 am

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I believe that marriage can still be a wonderful institution for the couple that is truly in love. Obviously, there are a variety of financial factors that impinge upon the marital ceremony itself. If there are monetary concerns, then scaling back is probably prudent. But if you can afford to go all-out, then I whole-heartedly endorse fulfilling your dreams. You only go ‘round once…well, maybe four or five times, if you’re in Hollywood, but that’s another story.

By James the Game on 06/16/2008 1:20 am

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james, think about it—-marriage springs from insecurity, these days—-each partner seeking what they lack—-when she shows-up, keep it SO—-i’ve seen it over and over—-old enough to be your dad—-you know, Experience counts—-Certainly never marry ‘in-love’—-if your partnership may not endure w/o marriage? it’s BS—-

By gulliver fourmyle on 11/06/2008 9:24 pm

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A little bit off the subject. But, beginning tomorrow, June 17th, there will be all sorts of weddings in California. It has become one great big party….and the merchandisers are sure to make a killing. The first couple to wed in San Francisco will be a lesbian couple who have been together 50 years. Now, I am as straight as ‘straight arrow’ but one really has to think what that moment will mean to those two ladies. As for anyone who wants to spend $30,000 for a nuptial ceremony, and if they have the cash, why not? Buy the flowers, it will keep the florist in business; buy the wedding gown, the dressmakers will love you; have a caterer and all your guests will love you; hire a baker for the 3 or 4 tiered wedding cake and the flower girl will thank you; hire a photographer and your children and grandchildren will laugh with you. Do it all. But if you do not have $30,000 - then cut the flowers from your mother’s garden, make a gown, have your two best aunts prepare the buffet, ask your baker/neighbor to bake the cake and finally arrange for your best friend’s sister who is an amateur photographer to take the wedding pictures. Just enjoy the day. And remember throw birdseed - not rice.

By Bonnie Oliver on 06/16/2008 1:37 am

Yes, weddings have changed over the years. My father offered me the price of the wedding to elope, but I wanted the whole nine yards (and I knew my mother would kill me if I didn’t). A long time after, my father was marrying again after my mother passed. We all went to Reno to one of those kitchey wedding chapels. Things were going along fine until I spotted a small window just to the right of the happy couple and the preacher. It set me giggling. It opened into the casino where people were pulling the handles like crazy and sloshing down drinks. It was so bizarre a juxtaposition I couldn’t keep a straight face.

By Patrice Baldwin on 06/16/2008 4:47 pm

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My first marriage, I took this advice— we went to the justice of the peace and said our “I do’s” and that was it— no honeymoon, no reception, nada. That marriage lasted a little over 5 years— I remained single for 6 years following that marriage, and my 5 year old son introduced me to my current husband. (Thank goodness for small miracles becuase I was DONE with dating— vile routine) My current husband and I felt that a wedding was necessary, however we are both very realistic people and feel that it is ridiculous to waste money on things that really don’t leave you much to show for spending— We had our wedding in a Catholic church, with a Catholic priest— We rented a tux for him and I bought a dress for $300 (it was beautiful) — the reception was in the reunion hall of the church, it was a potluck reception— flowers were what I carried and we made our own swags for the pews in the church— One of my best friend gave us our wedding cake as a gift (she made it, and it was beautiful, the fountain, the silver dragges, the fondant with heavenly filling), and a friend of ours Did all of our wedding photography for $200 (and gave us the negatives so we could print what we wanted) — Only 25 people were invited and I hand made all of the invitations (calligraphy and silver leafing included)— We pulled off our entire wedding (2002) for less than $1500 total— and I will tell you, the ceremony meant so much to both of us. I think we would have regretted not having done it. We have beautiful memories from it, and photos to live with. It was dirt cheap by most standards, but it was priceless to us. So, I say you shouldn’t “NOT” have a wedding, but you have to remember what is important and to whom it matters.

By Kel Choate on 02/08/2009 2:01 pm

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People should do as they wish without going into debt. For me, Trump-style nuptials are de trop. My first wedding was immediate family and my parents surprised us by buying us a very charming house as a wedding present. My second husband wanted the lavish event. We compromised on a June ceremony and dinner for 100 guests catered by a Beverly Hills firm and in my parent’s park-like garden. We had the LA Chamber Music Orchestra for music as people arrived and for the ceremony, and a dance band after. I had the simplest Vera Wang style dress possible, had the train cut off, no head gear. Even though I hadn’t wanted it, was quite fun, great memories. The wedding trip was pretty luxe. I was engaged a third time. But after we finished building our lake resort dream house, I couldn’t go through with it. I pulled the engagement ring off my finger and gave it to my youngest sister when she whined, “Why do you always get everything.” And called him and said, keep the house. It was a fun two year, but no thanks. No more husbands for me. I like being single.

By To the beach ~~~ on 06/16/2008 4:42 am

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Amen, amen to the “To the beach” comment “No more husbands (or wives) for me. I like being single.” .

By Dr. Mark Klein on 06/16/2008 10:27 am

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WILL THE PASSENGERS PLEASE REFRAIN FROM USING THE WATER CLOSET WHILST THE TRAIN IS IN THE STATION? THANK YOU.

By Mugsy Peabody on 06/16/2008 8:50 pm

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ROFLMAO Mugsy you crack me up .

By Frank Peterson on 06/17/2008 12:25 am

Liz, I find your comments amazing coming from a person who attends many grand parties that have to easily top $30 grand to produce. To me a party is a party and throwing money at it is not always the way to make it enjoyable. Having been a photographer, I have photographed some large and small weddings. The couple is what has made the difference. If they are trying to please other people then it shows. What I find astonishing is the parties that are thrown for little kids. How many toys, can a child have? And proms, okay the list goes on. We are an extravagant nation at times! When and where is the next party, I need to go buy a new dress!

By Peggy Sue on 06/16/2008 8:02 am

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We were to marry after we left Nam but she was an LT and I was enlisted: the military said that would never happen as we both had too long to go on our enlistments. She was 21 and my world and I was 22. Instead later in complicity with our friends we found a Vietnamese Catholic priest who agreed to marry us on a stand-down in early May of 1967. The LT gave her away and Jonny was my best man. Andi stood for her and her close friends among the nurses had made a bouquet for her. She wore green and I wore green, but that didn’t see to matter much. There were many many of our friends in that small church that day. We were all very happy; the priest even had a glass or two of 33 beer with us for luck. The boys left the hooch for us after actually cleaning it and even left us clean sheets they’d “lifted” from hospital supply. That alone surprised us along with the champagne they’d liberated from the officer’s mess. We had three days together…

By Frank Peterson on 06/16/2008 8:17 am