Conversation | 03/24/2008 12:01 am

Too Close for Comfort?

With Candice Bergen, Joan Juliet Buck, Judith Martin and Julia Reed

Joan Juliet Buck

JOAN: Candice, I remember you telling me in 1980 that you absolutely did not make eye contact in the streets of New York.

CANDICE: Oh, well that was 1980, Joan. My God. Now, I’m just arms wide open to my fellow citizens. What I love about New York is — especially a few years ago — is the kind of joy of unexpected contact with people in unexpected situations, or in an exhibit or a play. How people sort of come together as total strangers

JUDITH: In Venice, where we spent a lot of time, people don’t say, “What did you do?” when you come home, they say, “Whom did you see?” Because everybody is out on the street walking, there’s no alternative, and you always run into people. It’s rather charming – unless you’re avoiding them, of course.

JULIA: The only place that I really care about my private space is on a plane or a train. Yesterday I was flying and they were moving people to the back of the plane for weight reasons, and I was all happy with my empty row. And then all these people kept coming back, and I just started looking meaner and meaner. I think that making others uncomfortable in those situations helps you achieve personal space.

JOAN: In the movie house at the mall in Santa Fe when the crunchers come in with the giant bags of popcorn and look as if they’re about to sit in front of me, I start uncontrollably sneezing and coughing. Or I will start humming very loudly. At which point my boyfriend claps his hands over my mouth.

JUDITH: What about personal space at home? Not among obnoxious people out there, but among people you love and live with — nobody sits at my desk, for instance. Or a chair that I like when I’m reading a newspaper.

JOAN: How do you manage that?

JUDITH: You make it known. There’s a term … don’t ask me how I happen to know this, but in bullfighting … there’s a bullfighting term, Querencia, where a bull comes into a totally empty ring — it looks identical in every spot. He picks a spot and defends that spot. And a good bullfighter knows that the bull’s going to be fiercer in defending this particular spot. And why this spot? Nobody knows. Why do I want that chair and not the other chair?

89 Reader Comments (so far…) Sign In or Register to comment

Tammy……I’m in the south, I don’t think they ever went away here! I grew up outside of Detroit and I don’t know if the ones I went to growing up are still there or not. There were a couple on 8 Mile Rd. We have a few here in Tennessee and I have been to a couple in Alabama. Love them!

By Joanne Grant on 03/24/2008 2:58 pm

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There’s a double-screener about 2 miles SW of me. I’m going to get there one of these nights, all by myself, in my PJs, with a bowl of fresh fruit, and iced tea. They have double-features, too - and great movies. Come join me.

By Upanaway on 03/25/2008 8:24 pm

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I go to the 4:30 pm, reduced rate, movie a few weeks after the film has opened. It’s usually me and the senior citizens, who sit in the back of the theater. I love sitting in the front part of the theater surrounded by the images on the screen. It’s almost like having a private showing. Once I was the only one in the theater. It was great!

By Suzanne Frazier on 03/30/2008 12:08 pm

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PS. I forgot. I’m a senior citizen! The last time I did this, I got the senior citizens discount for my theater ticket. Oh, how time flys!

By Suzanne Frazier on 03/30/2008 12:10 pm

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I’m not fond at all of people invading my space especially if it’s someone I don’t know or don’t care to know. Give me my own space and I’m a happy camper.

By Marie McConnell on 03/24/2008 1:41 pm

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I, too, dislike my space being invaded. My mother used to read everything we did, including my sister’s and my diaries. I quit writing because I felt that if I put it away in my drawer, it was not meant for anyone else. My sister continued to write and now we are glad she did. She died from uterine cancer at 53 and left a diary that her daughters have transcribed, as well as a wealth of short stories and poems. At first I felt like I was intruding on her space, but remembered that she had asked for a shredder for her last Christmas and told me how she would picture all the people who had hurt her, especially an abusive ex-husband, and the cancer on each page she was shredding. She said if she left it unshredded we could read it. We are self publishing the book of short stories and poems, because she always wanted that done. We are not publishing the diary, yet. I told my daughters when they got old enough to put their things away that I would not go into their private places if they would put their things away and not give me reason to feel they were untrustworthy. I also told my husband, when we married, I would wash and fold the laundry, but I would not put his away, nor go through his pockets, but I expected the same from him. Oh, by the way there is a wonderful Drive-in in Monte Vista, Colorado that has the Movie Manor Motel attached to it where you can get a room and watch the drive-in movie if you don’t want to sit in your car. Talk about privacy when watching a movie.

By Susan Cuthbertson on 03/24/2008 2:16 pm

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Why is it that when I lived in NY, and I would get on the A train at the first stop uptown, people would always sit RIGHT NEXT to me, even though there was an entire car of seats to choose from. Perhaps because dance is my hobby (though admittedly you would never know it to look at me) I understand what it means to keep an acceptable ring of space around me and know immediately who the novices are when they crash into me or my invisible ring. In any case, the only creatures who can inhabit my personal space any time are my drooling cat and big dog who thinks she’s a lap dog. Is that bad?

By Pamela Felcher on 03/24/2008 3:01 pm

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I am huge on personal space. My friends joke that they know the wine is kicking in when I’m willing to hug them without squirming. It’s not that I dislike close contact, I just want to be asked first. Scars of childhood abuse run deep.

By Harper L. on 03/24/2008 5:18 pm

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Oh boy! Me too. I remember once trying to have a conversation with a woman who kept standing within 2 ft of my face (felt like!). I kept backing up and she kept stepping forward and putting her arm on my shoulder. Back up. Step forward — again the arm. I finally picked up her arm and returned it to her. An amazed look of understanding suddenly appeared on her face. Probably the first time anyone had done that to her.

By Marcia Love on 03/24/2008 5:26 pm

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I am fiercely protective of my personal space. As a child, I had nothing that was my own, even if I bought it with my own money, and now I probably go too far the other way. I will not patronize a restaurant that consistently seats people right next to each other when there are plenty of empty places farther away. I don’t shop at stores if the employees ask me more than once if I need help. I instantly loathe people who park right next to me when there are empty spaces all around. In a waiting room, etc, nice people do not sit right next to someone else if there is anywhere else to sit. I do not appreciate parents who allow their children to run wild and intrude upon other people in any way. I always assume that people who have no concept of personal space are idiots and I try to avoid them at all costs. Ironically, I am a people person and I love crowds, as long as everyone in the crowd minds their own business and tries not to touch each other, while still smiling and greeting each other. :) I would probably divorce - or possibly murder - my husband if he ever opened my purse or my mail or snooped in my drawers or jewelry box, etc, because it would demonstrate a complete lack of respect for me. I have no actual secrets; I just require something that is wholly mine. I also run with scissors, hate pencils, and have never shared well.

By Jane Goodwin on 03/24/2008 5:41 pm

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I am fairly fanatic (is that possible??) about my personal space. I think it’s the “only child” syndrome. I used to teach international students, most of them from cultures where personal space is regarded differently from that in American culture. I was once talking to a Saudi male student at a party and realized that as we were chatting I was backing up. I did this until I finally hit the wall on the other side of the room. In his culture, he explained, “you can’t trust a man unless you can smell his breath.” I assume that applies to women, too. I’ve always regarded my work area/studio as my sanctuary and my family knows that. But, like Candice, my daughter(s) are welcome to anything of mine.

By Maurine H on 03/24/2008 5:51 pm

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Joan, LaRue, Wendy: I, too, am a fellow clan member…Love people until I’m overfilled. LaRue, the acting teacher was correct. We do have an “aura” or you could say an energetic field, as does all existence. As an esthetician, I am in very close proximity to others. I have become convinced that the proliferation of electrical devices, radar, microwave towers and other covert materials has disrupted these natural fields. I know this from direct experience. I have lived for the past 15 years in New Mexico, where there is an abundance of “space.” I have spent the past two months in the San Francisco Bay area (my ancestral geography) where I have been assaulted with a kind of noise from all these “wired” things and individuals. I have over the course of several years noticed a growing “aural” sensitivity. The increase in the volume of noise makes my blood boil. After learning of Dr. Emoto’s work with water several years ago, I am sure that the ragged, jagged, un-natural sound waves that permeates is toxic to body, soul and heart. Manners will always offset an invasion of personal space. Intrusion aggravates it. We receive what we send……By the by, I would like to nominate for invitation to this site, Deena Metzger. As an author, teacher and healer, I think she’d bring some more wisdom to this already juicy circle. Thanks for listening….

By iris odonata on 03/24/2008 5:55 pm

Look what I have, Eunice! http://www.breastcancer-experience.net/About-metzger.htm

By Upanaway on 03/26/2008 12:54 am

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Iris, I am back living in San Francisco (and you’re right, so wired) after living in Carmel-by-the-Sea & Santa Barbara right on the ocean in sync with nature. I swear I can ‘feel’ the WiFi like a tingly faint hum. But think of it, “Uni-verse” means one song and everything in the universe is higher mathematics; ie music….and string-physics posits that the most irreducible matter is a tiny vibrating string that gives shape to form. Which makes me think of Mozart’s ‘El Filo’ the organizing string that runs through all creative works and gives it beauty and strength. So I do think we are disrupting our own fields most defintely…..everything including us is made of electromagnetics…it just makes sense….it’s a physics force and doesn’t suspends its inherent nature and force because it is denied. I read that Graham Greene said back in the 50s the problem with the modern world is too much noise…wonder what he’d think today.

By Buh-Bye Hillary Hillary Buh-Bye on 03/27/2008 11:18 pm

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I have to agree with Iris. In my work, I came into contact with hundreds of people every day and during especially busy times would come home with a case of the “heebie-jeebies”! I believe that we pick up negative energy from that kind of contact. As weird as it sounds, taking a shower immediately after coming home seemed to cure the problem. I have been known to tell people who got in my face while talking to step back and to put that finger away before they come up short on one. My husband respects my privacy and I respect his. I don’t read his email or go through his personal things. As children, we both had mothers who snooped through our stuff so we understand each other. I kept a diary and left messages in there regarding my thoughts on people who would read someone’s personal thoughts without asking first, hoping that my mom would get the message. Later, I just wrote in a foreign language. I am a firm believer in the “three feet of personal space” rule.

By Hedda Lettuce on 03/29/2008 3:53 pm