Conversation | 04/14/2008 12:01 am

Privacy: Is It Yours for the Taking?

With Candice Bergen, Joan Juliet Buck, Judith Martin and Julia Reed

JOAN: Let me quote C.S. Lewis in the first Narnia book — one of the children is given one of two wishes: She can either learn what people think of her, or what people say about her. And the child’s wish is to know what people say about her, and she finds out, and she’s absolutely devastated. There’s the C.S. Lewis moral lesson: Don’t ever try and find out what people say about you.

JULIA: And the books! Nowadays magazine editors are famous people. Think of The Devil Wears Prada. If you take on a job like Anna’s, you know well what goes with it.

JOAN: It’s the relationship with assistants. If you think that the assistant may turn on you, how embarrassed would you be about asking her to change your gynecologist appointment?

JUDITH: Well, it’s a huge argument for separating your business life from your personal life. Your personal assistant — so-called personal — should not be doing things in your private life and therefore she wouldn’t be privy, or he wouldn’t be privy to it. I think one of the greatest invasions of privacy now is the idea that people have that your colleagues are automatically your friends. And you have to celebrate with them and party with them and chat with them and exchange information with them. Except your friends presumably have a little loyalty toward you and a little fondness, and your colleagues don’t necessarily.

JULIA: And certainly not your employees, like assistants.

JUDITH: I remember when I was head copy girl at The Washington Post. I had a fierce boss who was a genius, but very fierce. We were all scared to death of her. But she never once asked us to do anything in connection with her personal life. And so we knew nothing about it, except what we would giggle and guess. None of us could have turned on her in that way, even if we’d wanted to.

51 Reader Comments (so far…) Sign In or Register to comment

I personally feel sorry for the young women from Hollywood who have to live their lives in a fish bowl. I do not believe that the rest of the world has the right to know every little thing about their lives. I can’t imagine living with cameras and microphones in my face 24/7 and still being able to make good decisions all the time. We need to butt out and leave these girls alone. Our “right to know” has gotten way out of control.

By Jo Vaughn on 04/14/2008 12:04 pm

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Dear Jo: Why would you “feel sorry for them”? That is ridiculous! They chose that life. They love that life. They make mutli millions of dollars to do a television show, movie or other form of PUBLIC entertainment. I am sure the money well makes up for the alleged loss of privacy. Please note that when the economy is in the worst times (recession, depression, etc.) almost all Americans spend money on entertainment to relax, to escape or just for plain ole’ entertainment. Please give your sympathy to a real concern such as people who are ill or in pain and need medication they cannot afford. Did you know Angelina J & Brad P just received over $5 million for a photo of their baby. As an attorney I find that to be not only dumb luck but sheer genius….so save your sympathy for a real concern.

By Sue Harrell on 04/14/2008 3:44 pm

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Please don’t think I have no sympathy for “real concerns” - that’s a whole different matter. The subject at hand is privacy and I strongly feel that everyone has the right to that privacy whether they’re the average person or celebrities. And I’m well aware that much of the publicity is sought after, but I stand by my statement that the “right to know” has gotten out of hand. As much as anything, I’m tired of listening to all of the nonsense and feel that the media attention detracts from “real concerns”.

By Jo Vaughn on 04/14/2008 10:13 pm

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Obviously, it’s the Princess Diana syndrome. She wanted the media when she wanted ‘em and didn’t want ‘em when she didn’t. It’s a Pandora’s box thing.

By Mugsy Peabody on 04/14/2008 12:11 pm

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Gershwin on your mind when you wrote the above. His first song was “You Want ‘Em You Can’t Get ‘Em, When You’ve Got ‘Em, You Don’t Want ‘Em”. ‘Em being the ladies!

By MARK KLEIN, M.D. on 04/14/2008 2:51 pm

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Was just going to say the same thing. Young starlets and debutantes think pr is a faucet they can turn on and turn off at a whim. They pose for the pictures, make money off the sex tapes , have marriages and affairs sane people wouldn’t consider and then wail oh I’m so hard done by by the media. Nowadays everyone seems to want and get thier 15 seconds of fame without thinking about the ramifications and consequences thereafter.

By Liz Seger on 04/16/2008 7:34 am

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I have to respectfully disagree with Ms. Peabody’s comment about Princess Diana. I believe the Princess “wanted” the media to focus on her charity and humanitarian endeavors. She certainly didn’t “want” them obsessively prying into her personal life, to the tragic end when that very media’s frenzy caused her death. I value my privacy. I don’t have a MySpace nor a Facebook account. I have no desire to be known except by my family and friends. In our time, and especially in America, and with the internet, it’s very hard to maintain personal privacy. Everyone wants to know where you shop and what you buy, how much money you make, and anything else they can learn about you. It’s very annoying. I would never, ever want to be famous. It would be unbearable for me to not be able to walk my dog or go shopping without hordes of maniacs shoving cameras in my face, publishing unflattering photos of me, and misquoting me. I love being a nobody!

By Ginger Richardson on 04/14/2008 12:28 pm

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I agree with your characterisation of what HRH wanted. The problem is, you can’t have it both ways, and it killed her. That’s why I said it was Pandora’s box. The charities were wonderful, and bless her for using her position and power to further good ends.

By Mugsy Peabody on 04/14/2008 1:19 pm

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Julia…I totally agree with you on the “Reality Shows”. What are these people thinking? I can’t imagine throwing your upmost weirdness out there for the world to see. I remember watching the “Nanny” show one evening — all I could think of was “My good grief, who would subject your personal life and that of your children for an hour to entertain the rest of the world!!!! Not to mention “Big Brother” — they should arrest the producer of THAT show. And, “What Not To Wear”. I could go on and on. I watched several “Reality” shows to write a paper for my college course in Psychology and I can honestly say I was not impressed by any of the idiots on the shows. ENOUGH is ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!

By Lady Gator on 04/14/2008 12:30 pm

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It really worries me that there are 20 people willing to admit on national television that they actually want to be Paris Hilton’s best friend forever.

By Mugsy Peabody on 04/14/2008 10:01 pm

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It is sad and amazing that we are all part of such a needy Universe. So many seem to get their needs met by their 15 minutes and/or by being a passive observer. The bottom line is until we start respecting, honoring and loving ourselves we will continue to met our own needs in unhealthy ways gossip, vanity, etc. which are all created by unmet needs, which in turn are driven by ego. We all know that it is so much easier to judge someone else’s life than our own. When people start paying attention to themselves, they will not need distractions from others. After all this is a single journey not a group effort! The question ” Privacy: is it yours for the taking?” only when we as a society decide to honor and respect ourselves and others!

By Teresa Proctor on 04/14/2008 12:51 pm

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Judith brings up an interesting point about working women feeling like they have to be chummy with their colleagues. My daughter complains about this. She just entered the workforce, and says it seems to be the professional women’s style to be chatty and confiding one minute, and demanding and icily professional the next. It’s women’s natural instinct to get on a more personal emotional level with everyone, but I think it can be a detriment to their effectiveness - they send mixed messages, and the boundaries that need to be set aren’t clear. I think professional women really need to figure this out, and resist the urge to confide, even if it goes against the grain to hold back.

By Tinka Parker on 04/14/2008 12:53 pm

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I have been experiencing this phenomenon since I began working in an all woman department last year. For all of my career I had worked almost exclusively with men. It’s amazing how much women in the workplace overshare. This creates an atmosphere for painful gossip and dangerous speculation about coworkers’ personal lives. Productivity suffers because of the constant chatter as well as the paradox that you mentioned (“chatty and confiding one minute, and demanding and icily professional the next”). I have discovered that if you “stay out of it” you become “the odd one” or the subject of speculation. In my workplace I am alternately cast in both of these roles (no matter). I think that some of this is caused by the need for close friends as we dicussed in an ealier conversation. Furthermore I am sure that the increase of celebitry worship creates a feeling (for some) that their lives are dull unless their every acquaintance is privy to their every activity.

By Margo Porter on 04/14/2008 1:21 pm

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I completely agree with Ms. Porter. For many years, I worked in an office environment, and I definitely preferred it when there were more men than women. Other than the occasional spicy, inappropriate comment, it was much less stressful than working in an office full of gossipy, bitchy women. Almost 5 years ago, I gave up the career for which I earned a degree. I now work in the transportation field, and I love love love it. I’m not surrounded by office politics (not that it doesn’t go on, but at least it’s not in my face all day every day), I’m fairly independent, and my job is relatively stress-free. Plus, I earn in 5 or 6 hours what used to take 40+ hours a week to earn. I will never, ever work in an office again.

By Ginger Richardson on 04/14/2008 4:25 pm

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I feel very sorry for Britney Spears. It seems that the press has quietened down on her now and that is good. Maybe it was her former manager (the one her father had sacked) who had been getting in touch with the press to hound her. If that is the case, then it is disgusting that he was probably trying to make more money out of her - sort of selling her privacy. Anyone would go crazy if they had the same amount of pressure from the media invading her privacy as she did over the past few months. As well she was going through a divorce, and had custody problems.

By Merrie M on 04/14/2008 12:57 pm