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Q & A | 07/08/2008 12:00 am

The Unhappy Would-Be First Ladies

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Editor’s Note: Gail Collins is a columnist for The New York Times. To listen in on her conversation with Lesley Stahl, click the play button above.

LESLEY: Can we talk about First Ladies? I’ve covered the White House for so many years, and I have had just nothing but sympathy for these women who take on this strange, unelected role. And they live in terror of making a mistake. And if any of them ever tried to influence policy they got smacked around. If one hair is out of place, my God the world was coming to an end. And now you have Cindy McCain and Michelle Obama as candidates, both running as First Lady candidates. If you were to write a column giving them advice, what would you tell each of them?

It's really only been since Jackie Kennedy that there's been this idea that the family life of the president is such a central thing.

GAIL: Oh, they know what they’ve gotten into by now. They don’t need my help. But I did wonder, during the primaries when everyone was getting so bent out of shape about Bill Clinton, this running amok, this must be that his heart surgery made him a new, strange, crazy person. There was just all this kind of speculation about why he was behaving in such an erratic fashion. I think it was just an alpha guy trying to deal with the role of First Lady, which as you said is a horrible role that requires so much self-control and so much humility and stomping on your own personality. It’s a very, very difficult thing to do. And clearly he’s not really a person that’s going to be able to do it all that well.

LESLEY: Both Cindy and Michelle are very strong women. Both have their own successful careers. Both have basically raised their children by themselves, because their husbands have come to Washington and the family didn’t move here, in both cases. So I can imagine both of them being used to running offices, and in Cindy’s case, running a company, that it’s especially difficult and closer to Bill Clinton than, say, Nancy Reagan was.

GAIL: I can’t think of them as Michelle and Cindy. I’m sorry. I saw Mrs. McCain in 2000, and she looked very, very, very unhappy. I mean, not in a sulking way.

Click here to read Nobody, Including Barack Obama Himself, Expected It, with Lesley Stahl and Gail Collins.

LESLEY: Even before South Carolina?

GAIL: Yeah. Sort of – not necessarily scared but just clearly a person who did not feel that this was the place that she wanted to be in the world, but trying very hard to do it. And Michelle Obama is clearly doing an amazing job of just trying to deal with this. But she doesn’t seem to be happy either. And we’ve heard a lot about how she’s told him that she won’t do this again. That this is the one time – if he doesn’t win this time they have to go back and have a saner life. But it’s a very, very difficult job.

LESLEY: Cindy McCain said exactly that last time.

GAIL: It’s true. That does tend to get washed away with the waves of time. But this is a very modern thing. Until Eleanor Roosevelt, there were only one or two First Ladies in all of American history who made an impact, who people could even have recognized or identified. And it’s really only been since Jackie Kennedy that there’s been this idea that the family life of the president is such a central thing. But I still don’t think that there’s … that when it comes down to it, people vote on the basis of a First Lady. I think sometimes they take the things that they like or don’t like about the candidate and kind of push that into or pull that out of, you know, the First Lady candidate. But I just don’t think that it’s going to be a big deal.

299 Reader Comments (so far…) Sign In or Register to comment

Vivvy Stewart
Well, I’ll be! Resentment and sexual frustration were responsible for that nasty old war in Iraq, and not wmd’s after all. Who knew?!
By Vivvy Stewart on 07/08/2008 8:06 am
Frank Peterson
ROFLMAO—that is too funny—how about a total inability to deal with reality by the Neo-Cons and what a great way to send you army in without proper equipment and expectations that were far out in left field. Years later we are still there because of unreal planning, false info and outright lies. This administration has a ton of explaining to do which of course is only a pipe-dream on my part ‘cause it will never happen.
By Frank Peterson on 07/08/2008 3:27 pm
Chrome Toe
Interesting diatribe. I have to disagree though that the first ladies don’t have impact on policy. Even if you don’t directly see it. My husband and I own a company with a lot of employees. He is the president and I technically no longer have anything to do with the day to day running of the company. However… my thoughts and opinions on things very much directly affect the company. Who I like, what I think about an employee, what I think about a process. Our dinner conversation affects my husbands thinking a lot. So he goes to work and makes decisions often based on things we’ve discussed and thinking that I changed or affected. No one but the two of us would know it however. No one else was privy to our conversations. So they can’t see that my thoughts regarding a person or a path are being implemented. I often think that the first ladie’s are the most powerful people in the presidents lives. Which means they are very powerful in our nation.
By Chrome Toe on 07/08/2008 9:33 am
~ countrywoman ~
Hello Kelly Kelly
I enjoyed your thoughtful post. I can relate so personally to what you have communicated here. What an inexpressible joy to have a partner who values and honors our insight and intuition!! The only thing I would add is that the relationship you describe factors in to a bigger picture as well. Such intimate dialog and sharing helps nurture and keep the spirit healthy. Waking up in the morning with ordered thoughts and a refreshed outlook lays the groundwork for a positive and productive day. I would wish that for everyone, but especially someone, the Prez, the surgeon, etc., who has such monumental responsibilities. Powerful indeed!
By ~ countrywoman ~ on 07/08/2008 5:18 pm
Frannie Em
Kelly Kelly, My husband and I own a business as well. Our conversations at night have a great influence on the direction we move in. So many times my husband will come to me and ask “How did you know this would happen..?” Just listening and watching. It convinced him to listen to me more.
By Frannie Em on 07/08/2008 7:17 pm
No Way-No How -No McCain
It must be a trial by fire at times for women who have interests of their own, and who do not crave limelight, to be kept from one and forced into the other by their partners’ ambitions. And then to be trivialized and scoffed on top of it. When you think of it, they both deserve some form of sainthood.
By No Way-No How -No McCain on 07/08/2008 11:50 am
Lady Gator
Winery L…….I agree! I can remember two first ladies who always looked uncomfortable in the White House. Pat Nixon and Betty Ford. Someone once asked Betty Ford what she loved best about living in the White House — her answer “I don’t have to drive car pool and I don’t have to go to the grocery store”. I loved her answer!!!
By Lady Gator on 07/08/2008 1:53 pm
No Way-No How -No McCain
Lady G- I never drove a car pool, and am one of the weirdos who just loves grocery shopping since the advent of Whole Foods and Farmer’s Markets. Can’t imagine living in that relentless fishbowl, not being able to do whatever you wish. No wonder Jackie’s press secretary would say ‘sinus infection’ when Jackie ditched events. Then the next day pictures of her would be published jumping horses or water skiing. My kind of gal!
By No Way-No How -No McCain on 07/08/2008 4:41 pm
Lady Gator
Winery L. —- I drove a car pool for “umpteen” years - to school, dancing lessons, school events, etc. I always thought my child was a “character” until I met some of these “little terrors” that invaded my car each day. Love to go to Farmer’s Markets, however, I’m not fond of grocery shopping. No way I could live in the “White House Fishbowl”. I love the opportunity to come and go as I please. Can’t imagine what would happen if I wanted to just go to the Dairy Queen! The Secret Service would have a full time job just following me around. And, I do love going to my hairdresser! I’m afraid, being in the White House would be akin to living in a prison. I kinda like the idea that I wouldn’t have to cook and could have my breakfast in bed each morning! There would be a few perks — however, don’t think they would make up for the “Being on Parade” each and every day! I think it takes a very strong woman to pull it off. Glad my husband never aspired to the office.
By Lady Gator on 07/09/2008 1:55 pm
Star Lawrence
One drank and one used prescriptions excessively—it is a thankless damn job!
By Star Lawrence on 07/09/2008 9:52 am
Bonnie Oliver
And Nancy Reagan did see that astrologist often. She feared for her husband especially after the shooting. Who could blame her?
By Bonnie Oliver on 07/09/2008 3:43 pm
Shooz
Here comes my support for Erica Heller’s comments about the Unhappy Would-Be First Ladies. The fact that this is wOw at its best. Intelligent discourse, on track, pertinent posts. And why we came to this blog and why we stay.
By Shooz on 07/08/2008 11:52 am
Emcye Edwards
It’s interesting to consider how candidates treat women in general, not only their wives. Candidates - and their campaigns. Had to show you this: http://sensico.wordpress.com/2008/07/07/mccain-camp-throws-a-61-yr-old-l…
By Emcye Edwards on 07/08/2008 12:29 pm
J Simon
Wonderful interview though I wanted MORE. Granted, the segue from the presumptive first ladies to the greater role of women play in politics (and the painfully slow advancement) was necessary and intriguing. I also loved the aside about Buffy (the shocker is that Lesley wasn’t a fan!!!!). Still, I’d hoped for more insight into what makes the two candidates’ wives tick. Might they be ticking time bombs for their (running) mates? And not all First Ladies took a back seat until Eleanor Roosevelt. There’s Abigail Adams (whom we know acted as a sounding board) and Dolly Madison (whose social skills enabled her husband to enact legislation). Over the next century, only Andrew Jackson and Abraham Lincoln’s wives might be immortalized in the dusty pages of history books. Until Edith Wilson — who reputedly ran the government after Woodrow had been felled by a massive stroke… So there is precedent. But absolutely correct that the First Lady didn’t affect the electoral outcome. So much intriguing history and historic intrigue — let’s have more dialogue and more insight into Mrs. Obama and McCain. Thanks!
By J Simon on 07/08/2008 12:36 pm
K O
I am reminded of a 1968 comment I heard from Joan Baez responding to the question, “What would you do if you woke up in the White House?” “First, I’d scream. Then, I’d run.” My sentiments exactly. I empathize with Mrs. McCain and Mrs. Obama in preparing for a tough, thankless job.
By K O on 07/08/2008 1:03 pm