06/25/2009 12:00 am
Life
Dear Margo: He's Single ... and Stridently So
A 41-year-old bachelor asks Margo Howard: Why do people think being single is some horrible existence?
He’s Single … and Stridently So
Dear Margo: I’m a single man, 41, and have successfully operated my business since I was 18. I have a lot of friends, ride a motorcycle, and own a classic car and my own home. There are not enough hours in the day for me to do all of the things and see all of the people I would like. Between running my business, taking care of my home and possessions, traveling occasionally, and just seeing to the things we all must do in life, my life is full to the brim. I’m perfectly happy in every way.
I knew even in childhood that I was not husband or father material. I’ve dated here and there, but find the whole serious relationship idea repulsive, and every time I’ve tried it, this feeling is confirmed. Most women my age are either after a father for their kids or a well-packed wallet. I’ve also seen many close friends end up with vicious, expensive divorces, child custody battles, endless child support and alimony payments, deep wounds and hurt feelings. For me, I come and go as I please and see whom I want, whenever I want. Why do people think being single is some horrible existence? I believe having many good friends and being happy with oneself is the key to a happy life, and thankfully, I have that. People who don’t know me think I am gay or have some kind of problem. Why do they think everyone has to be married and miserable? — Single and Loving It!
Dear Sing: You can stay single as far as I’m concerned, hon. Marriage is not for everyone. And given that you link "marriage" with "miserable," and "relationship" with "repulsive," I feel certain you are doing some lucky woman a big favor. What I do find regrettable is that your exposures have been such that you see women as huntresses for sperm donors with ATM cards, and men as poor schnooks saddled with support payments and emotional scars. Believe it or not, both good marriages and comfortable divorces are possible. — Margo, reflectively
A Lot of Us Have Wondered the Same Thing
Dear Margo: I went through the school system during the ’50s and ’60s; my children, in the ’70s, ’80s and early ’90s. Never once did we hear about children suffering from emotional or social disorders as in ADHD, OCD, autism or Asperger’s syndrome. Now, in my grandchildren’s time, it seems that about 40 percent of their classmates are on some form of medication for behavioral/social/emotional problems or learning disorders. Can it be that "recreational drugs" or "junk food" eating on the part of the parents has produced this mutation? When I was a child and did something unacceptable, I was generally punished with a spanking or "grounding" that, although not life-threatening, made me think twice before I did the same thing again. Nowadays, when a "timeout" doesn’t do the trick, it seems the next step is putting the child on some sort of drug regimen or a psychiatrist’s couch. I really would like your opinion. Did the old saying "spare the rod and spoil the child" become an actuality? — Inquiring Minds Want To Know
Dear Inq: I, too, have wondered about the prevalence of the things you mention. They weren’t routine at all a few generations ago. I don’t believe an answer has been determined. My guess is that there are many elements mixed up in a possible explanation. The disorders, causes and "cures" most likely have to do with a stew of environment, chemicals and reliance on pharmaceutical fixes, as well as some illnesses and behaviors that never had a name before. You are not the first person to wonder about the differences between childhood then and now. As for your conjecture about "spare the rod," my instinct tells me that permissiveness is not the major factor at work here. — Margo, speculatively
***
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered. To read more about Margo Howard, click here.
COPYRIGHT 2009 MARGO HOWARD
DISTRIBUTED BY CREATORS SYNDICATE, INC.
Every Thursday and Friday, you can find "Dear Margo" and her latest words of wisdom on our home page at www.wowowow.com. Or better yet, click to sign up for an instant email alert that will send a message right to your in-box every time a new "Dear Margo" column is posted on wowOwow.
Click here for all "Dear Margo" columns.Got a question for "Dear Margo?" Send via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com.
- Email this Post
- login or register to post comments
159 Reader Comments (so far…) Sign In or Register to comment
Asperger’s is a genuine disorder. Without interventions helping the child learn to cope in a world he doesn’t readily understand, he likely becomes a burden on society. With interventions, he generally becomes a productive member of society. Beating him will teach him that behavior A is unacceptable. It doesn’t teach him that behaviors B and C, which the parent sees as similar but that the child does not, are also unacceptable. The parent who ignores his psychological needs in favor of brute control therefore assumes he is just a "bad seed", transmits that to the kid, who then figures if he’s going to get in trouble anyway, why try to figure out the rules?
"I have come not to replace the Law, but to fulfill it."
The medical field does no favors to people who really do have these disorders when they become the diagnosis de jour. It’s like with allergies. When so many people claim to be allergic to everything the simple don’t like, people do things like slipping it into foods to "prove" to people that they really aren’t, which can trigger a serious reaction for those who really are.
When my son was little, we weren’t sure he’d ever be independent. With the right interventions, he’s now more confident than many of his non-autistic peers.
exactly! fear is what kept children quiet, not that beating them helped. fear will keep even the most mentally disturbed child "obedient" - but they are still disabled, mentally challeneged, or struggling with internal crises. the parents will just never know - just symptoms will appear: drug abuse, alcoholism, unsafe sex, or the child just grows up to be one of the "wierdos" you don’t really understand, or one of the tens of thousands of homeless on the streets - many of those who are homeless have mental problems or were abused or traumatized in their lives.
exactly - i don’t understand why conservatives seem to hell-bent on making things black and white - they never are and never will be.
all it means is you are too immature to parent or to speak to your child - spanking and hitting are on the same level of sophistication as grunting and fighting over a fertile female.
sounds like if you let someone tell you how to be… that’s your problem!
Spanking is bad, well it wasn’t 20 or more years ago.
sure it was - why do you think most parents dont beat their children now? they remember how their parents treated them - and didn’t like it, and finally the generation felt comfortable trying to speak to their kids with logic and love, rather than striking them or hurting their bodies.
i wasn’t spanked ever by my guardians except one single time when i called my mother a bad name. all it did was learn how to make her mad and how i needed to run away from her.
i was much more terrified of disappointing my grandmother - not being beaten by a parent.
Ltr #1: I don’t think his exposure to women is any different than what most men experience. I’ve got two close male friends, one is divorced and the other has never married. Both have been in long term relationships and are physicians. Neither is interested in marriage [both are almost 50] because their lives are so full; neither feels he can give a marriage and family the amount of attention they deserve. They’re the happiness and most fulfilled people I know. They know work is their mistress. I think it’s wonderful that they can assess themselves so accurately.
Ltr #2: The jury’s still out on that one. I think, however, that the number of children with genuine neuropsychiatric diseases is greatly over-stated. I believe that kids are over-medicated and over-diagnosed. Years ago the general feeling was not to blame the parents, but rather to issue a “benign diagnosis” like ADHD. The parents would be happy, the teachers would be happy, the drug companies would smile…… Well, I think it backfired. It would be wonderful if doctors who find no problem get up the gumption to tell the kid’s parents that they need to get on the ball and discipline their spoiled, obnoxious brat. It wouldn’t hurt to tell the teachers not to assume a kid has some neurological deficit either.Post number 1.
If you are happy where you are, that’s fantastic. If you are annoyed by people who think you must be gay, etc., as you said in the end of your post. Deal! Feel sorry for them if you must. Or, work on your self-esteem. Why do you care what they feel?
I’m sorry that you have such an unpleasant opinion about long term relationships and marriage.
I’m at the end of a very bad marriage caused by his untreated mental illnesses. He’s really only happy in the Bay Area dealing with computer technology, and living with his parents, and dealing with his friends from childhood.
I still hope to remarry some day. Not for access to the bank account, although Lord knows MINE was sucked dry by him. Not for a dad for my kids, or a dad for future kids. My existing kids have a dad, such as he is, and I am parent enough for us both.
I like men. I like having someone to talk to at the end of the day. I like the different persceptive about life, and I appreciate the upper body strength I don’t have especially regarding using chain saws!
I just had to arrest a scary and obnoxious male neighbor on my large property who refused to leave when I asked him to go. He told me to "get over myself" and that he’d do what he wanted on my property. It would have really been nice to have not *my* husband, such as he is, but *a* husband to say, "It’ll be all right, honey." afterward.
I took care of it myself, and am now dealing with restraining orders and the lawsuit. (Thank goodness I signed up for the legal insurance!)
I make relationships with people to be mutually supportive. Most of my friendships have lasted decades. Enjoy your life. Me, I think I feel sorry for you!
#2
Some of the stuff is dietary. We eat tremendous junk. Some of it is hereditary. My older daughter is marching in her dad’s footsteps. The difference is that I am her mother. If one doesn’t have an internal skelleton of habits, one needs an exo-skelleton.
With the older daughter, I have worked on study skills, repetitive habits, organizational skills. (The younger daughter’s overheard these so many times they are internalized.) As a parent, I’ve worked on table manners, and how to greet and treat people. Older daughter definitely had social issues in terms of returning greetings, etc. This has improved tremendously.
The older daughter is still getting very mixed grades- we’re going to start trying medication, since the exercise/diet/study habits haven’t been enough. But, the older daughter’s looking at this consciously, knowing that there’s a problem, and saying, "yes, now is the time."
My answer? When I decided to have children, I decided that raising them to be good people was the main focus. Since I was raised by wolves, I studied parenting books.
Result? One kid has some issues that will be dealt with medication, if it makes her a more focussed person so that she’ll be more successful. Both kids are terrific kids, friendly, kind, affectionate, smart, talented.
And they could both keep their rooms cleaner, and be less sarcastic. Truly, no complaints, but I am the mommy. It is a benevolent dictator ship, not a democracy.
You were raised by wolves, Constance? Really? So was I! Small world, eh?
Aaarrrrooooooooo!
Sorry to hear it, though. I didn’t enjoy my particular wolves. However, if we do better than they did in living our lives and raising our kids, then it’s all to the good.
Constance
AAR! AAR! AARRRRRROOOoooooooOO!
Sounds like you and I came out of very different packs. Mine was just my PapaWolf and us two cubs. He was an awesome PapaWolf, though, and did his utmost best to raise me, his human female cub. He taught me all sorts of useful things, like how to mate for life and live peacefully in a pack, how to look after the cubs and the old ones, and why it’s important to defend your territory from interlopers and other predators. But there were also a lot of things PapaWolf just couldn’t help me with, having never been a female human himself. For instance, interior design and home decor …please! Fashion, beauty and nail care … forget about it. Overall, though, I’ve got no complaints, because I know he gave it his very best shot, and besides, how many PapaWolves would have even attempted to raise a human female cub? So …
AAR! AAR! AARRRRRROOOoooooooOO! yip yip AARRRRRROOOoooooooOO!