Mr. wOw gives James Cameron’s 3-D Movie ‘Avatar’ an F

Wait till he sees it

“Avatar.” It’s been more than ten blessed years since James Cameron inflicted “Titanic” on us. Mr. DiCaprio and Miss Winslet somehow survived the treacle of the script and the icy-hot thrill of instant stardom.

These are two fine, wise actors. Their second co-starring go-around, last year’s “Revolutionary Road,” was brilliant and redeeming (though the movie is pre-feminist wrist-slitting angst for its female audience).

Soon we will have Cameron’s “Avatar’ on our hands. It’s a great big sci-fi spectacular starring Sigourney Weaver. The lure is the look of the movie – 3-D High Max, Blu Jay, Blu-Ray, Super High Definition, Let’s See Those Crow’s-feet and CGI.

I love Sigourney, but I don’t relish yet another movie where everything looks too real or not at all. Or somewhere in-between.

Mr. wOw is not a big fan of the super-enhanced images of new films or the excessive DVD “restoration” of old ones.

When Claire Trevor pulls a gun on Dick Powell in “Murder, My Sweet,” do I really want to be thinking about the detail on the lampshade behind her? Not only are we seeing things no audience did back in the day, on a big screen, but surely such intense clarity and over-brightening subverts the director’s point of view. Film noir is noir for a reason. Even the charm of “The Wizard of Oz” has been spoiled a bit in the frenzy to heighten and define. Just. Too. Vivid. How many of Judy’s freckles are really necessary? But I digress.

Look, to be honest, I’m not a big James Cameron fan. “Titanic” was a terrible movie and Cameron’s “I’m king of the world!” as he accepted his Oscar never sat right. Sooooo … I’m being absolutely unfair and childish in anticipating I won’t like this movie. But I know I won’t. (I stated here no interest in seeing the Michael Jackson movie. It made over $100 million its first weekend. Filmmakers crave Mr. wOw’s condemnation.)

However, Mr. wOw did enjoy Cameron’s “True Lies,” mostly because it showcased Jamie Lee Curtis so well. Now Miss Curtis helps our digestive tract operate correctly, pushing Activa. Honestly? I’d rather see her chased down by Michael Myers again. So depressing.

I’m much more eager to see “2012,” which – yes, I know! – is going to be chock-full of CGI and Lord knows what else in terms of newfangled technology. (I’m just off the set of “The Beverly Hillbillies.”)

But I love end-of-world movies. Bring on the apocalypse. Part of this morbid fascination is my own displeasure that I will likely end before the world does. It’s not that Mr. wOw feels his life is so special – it’s definitely not. But … how will Israel and Palestine work it out? Will those glaciers melt? Will aliens ever land? And for heaven’s sake, can I really miss out on the adult adventures of Lourdes Ciccone Leon, daughter of Madonna? (Think she’s gonna give mama an easy time?) I’m curious! I’m pissed! I’ve digressed again!

In my irritation over not hanging around for eternity, I’m always reminded of the mournful lyric from the song “Just a Gigolo”: “And life goes on, without me.” (Best version – Dietrich, at 78, already basically withdrawn from life; it was going on without her.)

This is probably why I love vampire movies, too – living forever, pale and interesting looking, can subsist on rats if squeamish about killing humans. So, if anybody knows of a good apocalypse/vampire flick, let Mr. wOw know.

Mr. wOw has a friend who has just returned from New Orleans. He assures me vampires are the real deal. We live in hope.

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