03/19/2010 1:30 am
To Sleep or Not to Sleep? by Sheila Nevins
Whose side of the bed are you on?
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As a kid, I remember the annoyance in my mother’s voice when I would march into her bedroom at some past-midnight hour announcing tearfully, "Mom, I can’t sleep." At which point, she would wearily tell me to count sheep and not to think too much about sleeping. "If you think about sleeping you won’t fall asleep," she reminded me.
Really now, how can you not think about sleeping when you’re trying to sleep? That’s like jumping into a running shower and not getting wet. And then I had an emotional problem with the alternative remedy of counting sheep. You see, somewhere around the 155th or 157th jumper this odd sheep would have an unfortunate and disabling incident. One of his legs would get tangled in the fence and he would "baah, baah" relentlessly as if in severe pain. This reoccurring try-to-sleep-nightmarish-turn-of-events would keep me up even longer as I tried to coax the lone sheep out of his agonizing entanglement. And it was all my fault. If I hadn’t counted him in – he’d probably have been fine.
I also didn’t like the word "fall" asleep. My mother tried to convince me that I would "fall" asleep naturally if I stopped trying so hard to "fall" asleep. But I didn’t want this fall – like falling down a well or falling into an abyss or falling and hurting myself. Nothing comforting there.
And then my Aunt Florence told me if I would just take deep breaths and relax, the Sandman would come and visit me. But how could I sleep with the thought of a strange man climbing up the stairs, crawling into my bedroom and putting sand in my eyes? Who was she kidding? Anyway, Mr. Sandman never came. Gratefully. I guess he couldn’t make it up the stairs. We lived in a five-story walk-up.
So from childhood to adulthood and further, I have had a sleep disorder. The world’s woes visit me at night and every racing heartbeat I count as my last. Lunesta, Ambien, Benadryl, Sonata, Melatonin, Dalmane – these have been my bedtime playmates to no avail. In order to make me drowsy, I have to swallow so many of these pills; I wake up slurring my words and forgetting which planet I have been temporarily assigned to.
And, then, to add to my angst, I read about the punishing-published facts about not getting enough sleep – you eat more if you don’t sleep, you shorten your life if you don’t sleep, you remember less if you don’t sleep, you enjoy sex less if you don’t sleep and you have more accidents with heavy machinery if you don’t sleep.
Well, frankly I don’t operate heavy machinery. And this sleepless soul is who I am. Seeking rem-edies, seeking sleep at any level, I have recently realized that I do some of my best thinking and feeling while tossing and turning. Ideas replace sleep and angst gives momentum to their realization. I can even write about not sleeping tonight because everyone in my house is sleeping and it’s my lone time. The dog is snoring, and I can commune with the stars, a pen and a pad. So goodnight, you sleepers. While you play with your unconscious, I’ll learn to run on empty while changing the color of my toenail polish from Blushing Red to Party Pink. And I can tell you without a doubt, the new polish will have plenty of night-time to dry.
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When I worked I slept rather well, Got up early, got the kids up and off to school, got on I 95 to D.C. and drove for 2 hr (only cos of traffic, should only have been 45 min’s.) worked 9 hrs, came home started laundry, dinner, fed the dogs, and if it was a Friday, cut the grass and then watched so tv. Have to admit though there were times I’d fall asleep driving home and would have to pull over until I discovered Starbucks and caffeine pills. On the wkends I’d catch up on a wks worth of soaps, while laundry was being done, vacuumed and if it was good weather worked in the yard for a couple hours and stayed up late. Sunday would be Church, and fun with the kids, Sunday it was what they wanted to do as long as there were no big homework projects that need doing, we’d go for hikes in the mountains, or to the museums in D.C., or downtown Fredericksburg or Richmond, and summer to the beach. Sleep came easy then.
Not so now. I have absolutely nothing to do but go to doctors, walk the dogs and go get grocery’s when needed and Church. Chemo and radiation screwed me up so bad, my memory is so shot from the chemo (they call it "Chemo Brain, or Brain Fog) I can’t remember what i had for dinner yesterday and what I need to do tomorrow, I have to write everything down, I don’t even know my own cell phone number. Sometimes I forget what day it is because I can go a few days without sleeping, until I drop, then you can’t wake me with a bang.
Sleep is a luxury I want back on a regular basis so I understand where your coming from. I’ve journal upon journal of things I dreamt about, I’d wake and while it was fresh I’d write it down. I’ll wake after a few hours in pain and need to take another pain pill, if I could afford a sleep number bed I’d probably be able to sleep much better. I went out after saving for 6 months and bought the bed my doctors recommend and it kills my back so much that i sleep in a chair with a foot stool and wake up with no pain. You can tell my sleep habits by looking at the time of some of my postings on this web site, a few people have made comments to me about it.
So sleep is that elusive lover I miss more then anything. I feel your pain.
You might buy a 2 inch "memory foam" mattress topper. It will improve your sleep as there will be a proper layer between you and the too hard mattress.
Debi thanks for the information I am waiting until after I move to get one so that gives me time to save up for it all and then I won’t have to move it :), I’ll take your advise, I’ve already asked my sister to find a store where she lives so I can go and get one. A few wks to months is okay, any sleep with out pain is appreciated greatly. Enjoy the spring, today is the first day. :)