Dear Margo: High School Confessions

How can I convince my parents that my boyfriend’s bisexuality will not threaten our relationship? Margo Howard’s advice

High-School Confessions

Dear Margo: I am 17 and a senior in high school. My wonderful boyfriend, “John,” recently came out to me as bisexual. He has made it very clear that he wants to stay with me and is not interested in acting on his attraction to males. He also defines his bisexuality as being attracted to personalities, regardless of gender. The problem is that through a slip of the tongue, my father found out that John is bisexual. He’s an open-minded person, but he told me our relationship would not last because “people are attracted to what they’re attracted to.”

To me, it doesn’t seem any different than a straight guy cheating on his girlfriend with another girl. My mother is less open-minded than my dad, and I feel sure he will tell her. We both are headed to college next year, so that opens up a whole new population for both of us. What will happen then will happen, but for now we want to be together. How can I convey that to my mom while calming her down about John’s bisexuality? It’s a mess, I know. –Samantha

Dear Sam: You and your boyfriend are still in your teens, which is traditionally a time of high hormonal and sexual activity. Assuming you are sexually active, I suspect your father’s concern is — and your mother’s will be — that the possibility of STDs increases when a young romantic partner is active with both sexes.

For reasons I don’t entirely understand, bisexuality is disturbing to some people … often because they feel the self-declared bisexuals are actually gay but don’t wish to say so. (This is not my view.) I don’t know the level of openness you have with your parents, but I would tell them that you practice safe sex — which I sincerely hope is the case. In addition, tell your mother that you and John have agreed to date others when you both go to school, which is not all that far off. –Margo, individually

When a “Friend” Behaves Childishly

Dear Margo: Two years ago I belonged to a quilting group. We laughed and had fun while we worked. The group leader often invited my husband and me to dinner and cards with she and her husband. She said she ‘loved’ us and enjoyed having us as friends. Then one week after being invited to her home, she invited me out for coffee. Once there, she very loudly announced that I was “kicked out of the club.” She refused to tell me why, saying, “We’re not going to discuss it.” I said that if she were my friend, as she said she was, she would at least tell me why. She repeated that we would not be discussing it. This was devastating to say the least.

Now I find that this is affecting my ability to make friends or be friends with others. Even my relationship with my husband has changed. I honestly do not know of anything I did that would have caused this action on her part. Recently, I was at a gathering with this woman. She extended her hand and said she wanted to be friends. I said sure, if she’d at least tell me what had happened between us. She refused, saying, “I’m not prepared to do that.” How can I move on? Others in the quilting group want me to join various other things of which this woman is a part. I find I want to be nowhere near her, but doing that would isolate me from other people with my same interests. What to do? — Ambivalent

Dear Amb: This sounds like high school. I wouldn’t let this woman, who is behaving like a sorority president, set the parameters of your life, let alone affect your other relationships. I would rejoin the group that you enjoy, be cool but cordial to this particular woman and try to put out of your mind your supposed transgression followed by your reinstatement. There’s a chance one of the other women might tell you what went on, but I would rise above it, knowing that it really doesn’t matter. –Margo, maturely

* * *

Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.

COPYRIGHT 2011 MARGO HOWARD
DISTRIBUTED BY CREATORS.COM

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62 comments so far.

  1. avatar Constance Plank says:

    #1 I don’t have a problem with anyone being bi-sexual as long as they are monogamous while they are involved with either gender of partner. Which is exactly the same problem with any sort of relationship. Hetero, or Homosexual. Sexual preference does not dictate honestly and monogamy. If your partner has had the appropriate health tests, just like you have, go with your heart and your mind.

    #2 The group leader is a prima donna and a bully. You are not the only person she’s bullied. Rejoin the group- no longer trust anything that comes out of her mouth, and be civil. The longer you stay out, the more powerful she feels.

    I won’t bore people with the details of the story of me going to an expensive knitting retreat with some people I thought were friends. The ring-leader, who I thought was a friend, targeted me as the least popular girl there. It was very 7th grade: I was 40, she was 65. (It’s never too late to be immature!)

    Don’t give your former friend power over you. Don’t worry for a second what you did *wrong.* (A real friend would tell you.) And don’t let her poison other people against you. Be pleasant, be sweet, be creative, and show her up! :-)

    Cheers,

    Constance in the Sierra Foothills

    • avatar Anais P says:

      Good advice, Constance! I agree, LW2 should go to all those social gatherings, smile when she sees Miss Queen Bee but avoid any further interaction with her like the plague. She is poison. Then if she asks the LW what is wrong, just say, “I’m not prepared to tell you.”
      As for LW1, make sure that if you’re having sex, he wears a condom. You do NOT want to contract an SDT at your tender age and then pass it on to college guys you want to date seriously.

  2. avatar David Bolton says:

    LW1: I’m going to leave the bisexual issue (which we’ll refer to as “Plan B” later) out for now. Okay, seriously—you’re 17. Have fun while it lasts. Watch “Glee.” Date your boyfriend for as long as you’re interested and both willing to put forth the effort to be good for one another. When you’re ready to pick a college (if you go), DO NOT make your school plans around someone else. Make them around you and your needs. Be open-minded like your dad to the possibility that you may find other people that you want to date. It will probably happen.

    Plan B: It’s been my experience that boys AND girls like to experiment and experience different things. Boys tend to handle this differently than girls do. I think girls are more open-minded and can jump back and forth between being interested in guys and other girls more easily than guys can. By the time your first year of college is over (and by the time you’re 21 at the latest), your boyfriend will have some fairly concrete ideas of what he wants to pursue. If it’s you, then that’s great. If it’s not—you’ll have to let go. In the meantime, tell your dad to keep his knowledge about your BF to himself and you.

    LW2: “We’re not going to discuss it.” = “It’s now subject to being whatever I presume it is, if anything at all.” Maybe she doesn’t like you because you have friends who are black or Jewish or gay. Or maybe it’s because you like Romaine instead of iceberg. Who knew? I’d make sure to out her publicly about every possibility if the opportunity for you to be social comes up. But in a nice, genteel way of course, such as: “Oh, I probably shouldn’t come to that tea/cotillion/fundraiser/book burning. I had forgotten how much you dislike my second cousin’s INTERRACIAL MARRIAGE. Forgive me.” But remember, you don’t want to come across as a bitch, or a bother.

    In other words, sometimes walking on eggshells around someone can have an annoying loud crunchy—yet oddly satisfying sound.

    • avatar Lisa S. says:

      I agree about LW1, they’re still kids and are experimenting and testing the waters. You can decide if you want to be gay, straight, or bi when you’re 25, have a college degree, and a full time job, THEN you can work on labeling yourself. In the meantime, don’t sweat it. Life’s an ebb and flow, go with it. Date whomever meets your fancy in the meantime. These things don’t have to be decided at 17, but I know you’re both in a hurry to grow up. Take your time. Focus on your college experience, you’ve got a lot that’s going to come at you in 4 years that you’ll need to focus on instead.

      • avatar Briana Baran says:

        Lisa: You don’t ***decide*** to be gay, straight or bi…and there isn’t a pre-approved time to come to these realizations, or a socially acceptable time to announce one’s “decision”. Sexual orientation isn’t a “label”, or a “choice”. It’s a part of an individual’s hardwiring that they are born with, like blue eyes or brown hair..

        While I agree that the teens and early twenties are typical times for sexual experimentation…LW’s boyfriend’s description of his feelings as a bisexual are unusually mature and honest. And some much, much older people “experiment”…forever.

      • avatar wendykh says:

        Ehhh…. His description can be simply honest and not just “Mature”. A lot of rather left leaning progressive guys I know were much more willing to be sexually attracted to other males (much like many young women are willing to experiment with other females) than in previous years. Frankly, he could just be horny and not super picky.

        I really wouldn’t make a big deal out of anything a young person declares about their sexuality. That doesn’t mean I’d deny it. I’d simply say “that’s nice” and move along. It’s not something worthy of a great deal of introspection. It would be up there, for me, with telling me which band they were interested in this week. Some weeks they may want to indulge this feeling, next week another.

    • avatar LCMom says:

      Love your response to LW2, David! Satisfying! =)

    • avatar A R says:

      David, I wish I had a “like” button for your funny advice on letter 2. Man, that would be so gratifying….. :)

  3. avatar Kat Shipp says:

    I wonder if it is something along the lines of, her husband displayed some kind of interest in you (or she imagined he did) and that made her jealous.
    You should assume it was something like this- not anything you did or had any control over, and possibly something you had no way of even knowing about.

    A big bonus of getting back in touch with the group would be the opportunity to develop closer relationships with the other women, who undoubtedly know about her behavior issues. You will feel much better once you confirm with others that she is the crazy one.

    • avatar Lila says:

      I was thinking the same things.

      • avatar Kriss says:

        me, too.  but I was going to be a bit cheeky and suggest the woman’s husband called out the LWs name during an intimate moment.

      • avatar Katie themick says:

        Agreed. Either LW2′s husband hit on her, or the friend’s hubby was too interested in the LW. The former reason is the only one that’s really acceptable as a “I can’t talk about it” thing, IMHO, because if the LW’s husband denies it, well, people usually side with the person they’re sleeping with in my experience.

    • avatar Amaterasu says:

      I was also thinking the same thing. It sounds like she may not have done anything, but her husband may have, or may not have, and this woman just doesn’t like him. I agree with re-joi
      ning the group and keeping the other friends and maybe finding out from someone else what gives. If my husband did something (if that is the case) I would want to know.

      • avatar David Bolton says:

        I guess this is a possibility, but I don’t think the woman would have wanted to be “friends” with her if that were the case. She sounds more like a bully.

    • avatar bright eyes says:

      Yep – that’s the first thing that came to my mind. Everything was ok and then she suddenly was kicked out by her ‘friend’ and now she’s being invited back? The lady that kicked her out’s husband must have said something about thinking she’s attractive. Or more than likely he said she’s a nice person and mean lady took it the wrong way and kicked her out… I’d go ahead and get with the people you know and like -and as Margo said be cordial but cool to the woman, keep your guard up and don’t trust her 100%. One day it may come out, but whatever it is - more than likely it’s her hang up and not something you did. And I wouldn’t obsess asking the other ladies what you did to get excommunicated, or you will look like you value her opinion above all others and seem a bit obsessive.
      Personally I don’t think I would have taken her word about being kicked out in the first place, but would have asked a few other members when all of that happened.

  4. avatar Tanya Brown says:

    Re: letter #2

    Here’s my interpretation of events:

    “Oh, no! Something happened and you can’t be in my little club anymore. However, I’m not going to tell you what it was. No, I’m just going to stage a public scene and refuse to discuss it with you. By the way – let’s do be friends! No, not real friends. Pretend friends. We can say we’re friends without doing the part where we’re _actually_ friends and, you know, discuss my bizarre actions regarding the quilting group. It could be handy. Then maybe I can rationalize my actions by telling everyone I extended an olive branch to you.”

    Short of, say, your husband making a pass at her or her thinking you stole the family silver, she’s messing with you. You could spend a month of Sundays trying to figure out why and still not come up with an answer. Maybe there isn’t an answer. Maybe she’s like some kindergartners I’ve observed, who derive a lot of pleasure over stealing each others’ crayons. Often they’ll steal crayons just to hear the other kid scream. Unfortunately, some folks don’t grow out of that.

    Being friends with somebody who behaves in this fashion is like riding an emotional roller coaster. Trust your gut, which is telling you that you can’t trust her. It’s a big lovely world out there. Go try some different groups and find some people who won’t mess with you.

    • avatar Paula M says:

      I agree with Tanya. To LW2: While you are entitled to your feeling of wanting to know the Reason Why, Quilting-Bee-Group-Leader sounds immature to say the least. I would not give her another thought. Join what you feel like joining and go about your business – do not let her control your life in any way for one more minute. It sounds like the others in the group enjoy your company, so I would focus on that. Even if Leader has a legitimate reason for what’s happened (amorous husband, stolen silver, etc.), she’s handled it poorly, so I say “to hell with her reason.” It will be uncomfortable to be around Leader at first, but after a few times it should get easier. If not, find some new friends.
      “I’m mad but I’m not going to tell you why” is from elementary school, maybe even preschool. When spouted by an adult it’s borderline mentally ill and just plain dumb. It sounds like Leader is relishing her control over LW’s emotions and actions.

  5. avatar Lilibet says:

    I agree with Margo’s advice, but I’m curious why LW2 says that even her relationship with her husband has changed since this “friend” kicked her out of the quilting group. What does he have to do with it? Is it possible that she suspects that her husband made a pass at this woman? Or that he and this woman have feelings for each other? If that’s the case, and the woman was trying to distance herself from the couple socially, she might choose this way to end the friendship, and naturally didn’t want to discuss it. Maybe I’m reading too much between the lines, but it sounds a little more serious than a “highschool sorority president” throwing her weight around to me. Very strange situation.

    • avatar Amaterasu says:

      That’s what I read too. Sounds like it has something to do with the husband and she just doesn’t want to be the one to tell the ‘wife’, just sayin

    • avatar SMALL TOWN GIRL says:

      it seems to me the husband had something to do with it ,  but more likely the Quilting group lady’s husband, why things are different with her own husband that I don’t get.

    • avatar Lym BO says:

      My take on why her relationship with her hub is different is because she has began to doubt herself & lost confidence. There is nothing more annoying to feel like you’ve made a social faux pas, but not know what it is.
      It does sound like it had to do with either her hub or the LW’s hub. More likely LW’s hub. It would be easy enough for Quilt Lady to avoid LW’s hub, but she wanted to avoid LW therefore, I think it was her hub. Maybe LW is a bit of a harmless flirt & Quilt Lady got upset.

  6. avatar Jeny Jenny says:

    LTW#2 – Interesting. I think the letter writer has a right to know. No one deserves to be treated like that. At first, I thought it might have been because the LTW’s husband made a pass at the old crank. Now, I don’t think so. If he did, then the LTW would not have been kicked out.
    The LTW would have received tea and sympathy instead.

    Now, let’s get to the meat of it. If the LTW wants to find out the deal, she needs to speak with her former quilting buddies. Since the LTW was kicked out of the club, they probably know the reason and discussed it at length behind the LTW’s back. One of those quilting biddies is going to be the weak link. You know the type, the one who just wants everyone to get alone. That one. Pick her.

    LTW, my advice to you is to find the most passive person in that quilting club and find out what happened. Ask her out for a little one on one time. Lunch is perfect. Be polite and she can’t say refuse you. When you are together just sit there and listen. Don’t fill in the silence. People hate awkward pauses and will rush to fill them. Once she spills the beans, don’t shoot the messenger. Thank her and be gracious.

    People may say you shouldn’t care. Most will find a way to somehow blame you or tell you to rise above it. Don’t listen. It’s your life and you’re entitled to your feelings.

    • avatar Jeny Jenny says:

      Whoops. Please forgive the typos.

      • avatar Jeny Jenny says:

        BTW, if that doesn’t work, make up something, tell everyone but her, and the refuse to discuss it. Tell everyone one she had botox, her left boob isn’t real, and her husband had an affair with the maid while he was governor of Calfornia and it resulted in a child out of wedlo..wait, what? That’s already been done? Sheesh.  

      • avatar Rich Fry says:

        I see your point but why give that person that kind of power over you?  Not caring what others think is empowering.  Just act normal and join in the groups because of the other people.  If she approches you tell her that you can’t be bothered because you don’t want to offend her.  Put the problem back where it belongs, on her. 

    • avatar Carmen Clemons says:

      The thing I wondered most about #2 is whether or not the rest of the quilting group know she had been “kicked out.” They like the letter writer enough to invite her to other activities.

      • avatar chuck alien says:

        That’s what i’m thinking… is this woman president of the quilting club? Does she have the power to kick anybody out of anything?

        At the very least, I’d go to quilting club anyway and make her “kick you out” in front of everyone, including the reasons why.

        If something like this is “secret” then it’s bullshit. it has no legitimacy unless it includes the entire group.

        Make sure everyone knows what’s going on. the light of day will solve many problems.

        of course, if it’s because of the husband thing… it might be a little more embarrassing for the group to know all your dirty laundry. but that’s probably a long shot, right?

  7. avatar Jeny Jenny says:

    LTW#1 – Holy Toledo. Your family is probably afraid that your boyfriend is using you as a beard. It worked for Katie Holmes so who are we to judge? At this point there is nothing you can say to calm them down, except what Margo said. Take the pill. Use protection. Sow your oats and have fun. Your parents will always worry about you.
    What you should have done is told them you were dating a notorious womanizer like Charlie Sheen or some crazy rock star. And then told them you were engaged and skipping college. THEN after the paramedics have revived them, you could have told them the truth. It’s doesn’t sound so bad now does it? See, it’s all about PERSPECTIVE.

  8. avatar sandra b says:

    LW2: Cut her loose. She wants to be friends again but can’t be honest. This little game is a ploy to keep you off balance. Ignore her. Decline individual invitations and stay in the herd if you enjoy those people and activities. Reconnect with your other friends even if she is part of the group. If it bothers you that much ask them if they know what happened so you can get closure. And by the way – why is she the quilting group leader? If this is an “elected” position maybe it’s time she was retired.

  9. avatar Lisa S. says:

    LW#2, I have a funny feeling that the husband is already stepping out with this former friend.

  10. avatar flyonthewall says:

    LW#2: I have been in the situation where a group kicked me out for reasons they wouldn’t tell me. Turns out that someone in the group was jealous of me and told lies about me as the truth. The rest of the group took the lies and embraced them as truth and refused to see reason when presented with actual facts. Perhaps your quilting group isn’t as bad as that and only one or two people have the “problem” whatever it might be. If it were me in your situation, I would just find another quilting group to join. I wouldn’t be surprised if members of your original group started showing up there as I do feel that the group leader or someone close to her has a jealousy problem.

  11. avatar EmmaS says:

    To LW2, and to all the commentors:

    Sometimes, you don’t get to know what is going on with somebody else. That is life, and sometimes life is painful and unfair. Your friend might be in a lot of pain, and it might even be due to something you did. That’s doesn’t mean you get to know. Your friend is entitled to deal with her issues in her way. If you don’t feel that you can be friends with her under those circumstances, that is your right. She is not required to share her inner life, and you are not required to extend your friendship. That’s life.

    • avatar TheTexasMom says:

      You keep saying “your friend”.  The bully is not a friend.

    • avatar flyonthewall says:

      The woman is at least entitled to know why she is kicked out of the quilting group. The so-called quilting leader is not a friend. She is the leader of a group that lw wants to be part of. Acting in her official capacity, the leader should at least offer a plausible excuse as to why lw cannot be part of the group. If the leader is suffering from emotional distress as your comment suggests, then she should not be in the leadership role.

    • avatar darlean washington says:

      I think you’re wrong. When there is a group, one person’s life problems do not speak for the entire group. If this woman was experiencing what you suggest to the point that she began to make irrational decisions then she should stepped down as the leader.

  12. avatar Mjit RaindancerStahl says:

    LW2: If she kicked you out of the club, but won’t tell you why, then you’ve done nothing wrong. An offense unnamed doesn’t exist.

    My inner teenager suggests you pretend she doesn’t exist, either.

    • avatar Sweet Dream says:

      Mjit, I like your inner teenager already. To both letter writters, life is hard enough without looking for troubles. LW#1, I suggest you wait until your parents say something and tell them how you feel honestly without any drama. You’re young, things, friends, romances come and go. No need to agonize over something that may or may not happen. Remember honesty is the best policy. LW#2, your former-quilting-friend is toxic. Don’t give her anymore of your time, thought and energy. This is a free country, join what you want to join, don’t let anybody stop you. If the whole group bought into whatever she told them; it’s their loss. Refresh your relationship with your husband, I’m sure for every friend you lose there are 100 waiting for you to discover.

    • avatar flyonthewall says:

      Yes, this is how I see it. My inner teenager likes you, too.

  13. avatar Heidi W says:

    Hi Emma,
    She certainly has the right to know why she was kicked out of the club. If you ask me the woman is acting childish. If she has problems ie: hurt, in pain whatever she has absolutely no right to take her crap out on sombody else. It was most likely jealousy (it always is) and If I were the letter writer I would say “Good Riddance!” I wouldn’t want a friend who did something like that to me with no explanation…it is petty and immature, “I’m not telling you why I am mad, I just want you to feel bad…I get off on it.” Ugh! Sounds like the woman is just a bully who thinks she is far more important than she actually is.

  14. avatar Malinda says:

    Shortly after my husband died, I was suddenly cut off by the choir director of a church where I sang for special occasions. The woman also gave me private voice lessons. All attempts to contact her were met with messages that she was “too busy” to see me for lessons. When I suggested to another choir member that I just should show up for choir, the fellow member said “Oh, don’t do that!” and began to talk to me about other choirs where I could sing. That meant that she knew what had happened but had been sworn to secrecy, I think, and was trying to walk a tightrope! When I sent the director a note trying to reestablish ties, I was told again she was “too busy” and that she “wished me well where ever my life might take me.” I have seen the choir director cut off others before (“they are just so high maintenance, “I just think they should take a break from choir” etc), so I knew the signals. I cannot tell you how painful it is wondering what happened. Did I do something? Did she disapprove of the fact that I didn’t have a funeral for my husband (following his very explicit request) but instead had a celebration of his life a couple of months after he died? It is a horrible feeling to be just cut off and not know why. I recently was at the church for a funeral of a friend, and members of the choir all came up and greeted me. She had told at least some of them that I had moved out of town to be with my family! I will try to reestablish my friendships with some of the members of the choir, but I cannot go back if I don’t know that the director will welcome me (I have seen her treatment of others unwanted but unable to “take the hint.”) You can say she is just a bully, but it still hurts not knowing the why.

    • avatar Alicia Burchett says:

      Gosh, what a nice christian way to treat someone. 

    • avatar chuck alien says:

      all that does is make me want to show up to that choir practice and have it out.

      if someone is going to be manipulative, then i’d make them do it front of everyone. it’s A LOT harder to manipulate people if everyone knows what’s going on.

      that “oh no don’t do that” is telling you to do EXACTLY that.

      see if she’s able to power through when everyone is on the same page.

      “go ahead, tell me to my face in front of these people… that you won’t tell me why you want me out. so… why? go ahead, we’re all waiting to hear it. right now, i want to know.”

      i’d just want to make sure that everyone understood what was going on, that it was all out in the open, and that it couldn’t just be ignored. and that it could happen to any of them the same way.

      “oh no, don’t do that” indeed.

    • avatar Lym BO says:

      You may never know & try not to sweat it. It’s likely about her, not you.

    • avatar flyonthewall says:

      The choir director comes across as someone who has jealousy problems. Egos run high in this area. I bet it had nothing to do with the service you had for your late husband. It could have everything to do with you becoming single and available and competition for her. Too bad the church keeps her on. With that kind of behavior, she’s bound to run off all of the members at one time or another.

  15. avatar Grace Malat says:

    LW 1 ~ Remember as my 17yo daughter recently said to me “Passion rules Ration” In other words be careful and protect yourself if you’re sexually active. He may be exclusive to you at this time, but a one time opportunity may present itself to him with a member of his sex that he can’t seem to pass up. So have fun enjoy his company, just practice safe sex if you’re having it.

    LW 2 ~ My first thought was, seeing as how it happened just after a dinner the 4 of you had:
    1. your husband made a pass
    2. your husband said something stupid (to her)
    3. her husband said something stupid (again her way of thinking as #2)
    4. You said something she thought was stupid.
    Whatever it is, she’s not a friend, friends communicate no matter how painful, and they’re open about their feelings.

    Hardest thing to learn is to communicate and to do so honestly, if you want/need something ask, if you love/miss someone say so, if you did something wrong apologize, if you believe someone did you wrong, don’t be confrontational but talk to them about it. Nobody is a mind reader. We all need to remember that. And if someone can’t follow these rules you don’t need them in your life.
    The other women want you to join, majority wins. But you’re letting this woman win by allowing her pettiness to affect your life negatively. Stop giving her the power to do so, take back the power. Right now you’re giving her permission to hurt you, why would you do that? She’s not worth it.

    • avatar A R says:

      What makes me think you are on to something is the revelation by the LW that this has affected her relationship with her own husband. That makes zero sense. I can see how it would affect her courage to make new friends, but it shouldn’t affect her spousal relationship…..

  16. avatar crystalclear says:

    Letter Two:   Excellent advice, Margo, as usual.   “Rise Above It.”    That’s the ticket.   I have met plenty of petty women in my day and determined that they had insecurity issues and could never be a friend to anyone not long term that is.    Kick them aside and move on….they are insignificant.  

  17. avatar darlean washington says:

    Why the heck didn’t you get on the phone with the other women in the group to ask why you’d been booted immediately? So one person says she won’t tell — the others might have.

    Resume your friendships with the other ladies, tell them everything, and let the chips fall where they may.

    Oh, and there is another reason this woman might have flipped out. I once knew a girl whose boyfriend swore that I hit on him. I did not. It ended our friendship. I wonder if her husband told her that you were giving him signals.

    Yoy.

    • avatar A R says:

      Darlean, that’s a valid thought. She would be loathe to explain that because it would be both embarrassing and hard to “prove”. I’m with you though: what a shame that the LW let two years pass without asking someone. I darn sure would have called one of the people in the group that I was pals with and said, “Hey! What gives? I just had coffee with Doris, and she told me that I was kicked out. Help me understand what happened.”

  18. avatar A R says:

    LW1
    For parents with way more life experience than you have, that revelation shared by a slip of someone’s tongue (yours or his?) would indicate that the relationship is not long for this world. Why? Not because he is bisexual, but rather because he’s feeling the need to confess it. if he intended to stay with you, he’d probably see no need to talk about it right now as it would not be relevant. By the fact that he’s brought it up and is preparing to go off to college, he’s gently paving the way for an impending breakup. As a parent, you can see that coming miles away.

    LW2
    The concept that she’d want to talk about the rift but only to a certain degree indicates that she enjoys controlling information.That inclines me to believe that it’s really nothing of consequence, and she knows that if she were to explain it, it would be revealed for the pettiness it is. (“You nearly stepped on my cat’s tail when you were at my home.” or “Your husband commented that our grass was cut too short on the lawn.”)
    So…with that said, you have two choices: call up several of the women you liked at the quilting circle, tell them what she said to you, and ask them if you offended the group. OR,,,, go ahead and join the other women for events and lay it on the line for that woman next time she approaches you with her hand out. “Doris, you extend your hand and ask for friendship, but friendly people don’t pull hurtful stunts the way you did to me. Put your hand back in your pocket and don’t stretch it out to me again. I’ve learned my lesson when it comes to you. I’ll settle for simple civility and limited interaction between the two of us.”

    • avatar A R says:

      I once had to do this with an ex-friend. I has moved out of the apartment I’d shared with this friend and found out a few months after (from several trusted people) that she’d told untruths about me. My good friends who had known me for years didn’t believe her stories, but it bothered me that she’d done it (it was the principle of the matter). I was moving out of the area, so that was the last I saw of her for a bit.

      Six months later at a social gathering back in that town, she came up to me and made as if to hug me. I stepped back and said, “No, ma’am. Don’t you dare hug me. I’m quite aware of the stories you told when the lease was up on the apartment last year. You told people this, this, and this, and you know none of that was true. I’m finished with you.”

      She opened her mouth in shock, turned and left the room. I never saw her at any social event after that. I think being “busted” in front of the very people who knew us both sent the message that we were not her fools. It’s rare, but sometimes in life you have to call someone out when they try to set you up.

    • avatar 2026 says:

      I don’t really agree with your response to LW1.  My boyfriend knows lots of things about me that are not entirely relevant, including the fact that I am bisexual.  Of course most my friends and family know too, so it wouldn’t be very nice to keep that a secret from just him.  I think of all the normal discussion topics to have with a person you are dating – discussing what turns you on is as normal as it gets. 

  19. avatar Susan Thomas says:

    My husband and I lived in a golf community in Florida and it was like being back in high school. There were little cliches, and whenever someone left the room they were the topic of conversation. One day you were their friend, the next day you were ignored. I could not stand it so I kept to my house, my gardens, and my family until the day my husband asked me if I would like to move. We sold our home, bought a new one in another state, packed and moved within 30 days. I guess I really wanted to move! I don’t understand how some people can be so cruel and why, but they love the power that it gives them over you. The only thing it shows is how small these people really are. The funniest part is everyone hated each other! This woman will not give her an answer because she knows she is behaving like a baby and knows that what the woman did is only in her mind, so thus the ” I can’t tell you”, translate that to mean yes I am a jerk, but I don’t care. Ignore her, I guarantee it will drive her crazy, but never trust her again.

  20. avatar crystalclear says:

    Susan, there are more immature older females than teenagers.   For some, the older they get the more they back stab each other.   When I see this going on I turn around and never go back.   If they’ll do it to others they’ll do it to you.    I got NO time for that.

    • avatar Sweet Dream says:

      Crystalclear, you’re absolutely right about that. At least with teens, most of the time they tell you to your face when they hate you. With older bullies they are a bit more sophisticated and sneaky about it.

      • avatar crystalclear says:

        Thank you, Sweet Dream.   You are right about teens.    Nothing worse than older female bullies….especially on the internet.   oh my!

  21. avatar Anne Whitacre says:

    oh for god’s sakes.  why is anyone’s sexuality – especially in high school — a topic for someone’s parents?  I know that since this has become a topic of conversation between the girl and her parents they can’t “unring the bell” but this is one of those teaching moments when the kid needs to learn that is she is old enough to have sex, she is old enough to be discreet about it. (if you have to talk about sex, that’s what girlfriends are for).  I’m not sure how she’s going to get out of this, but I certainly hope that from now on, with whatever her next partner is, the parents are not part of the intimate discussion.

    • avatar Sweet Dream says:

      Anne, I think parents can be great assets for young people especially when it comes to sexuality. I certainly hope that my daughter will feel secure enough to be open with me about her sexual activity, since I want to guide her in a healthy manner. In this case ignorance is not bliss, especially with so many STDs floating around out there.

  22. avatar BeanCounter says:

    LW#1:   Darling, I’m so sorry for you, but Carrie Bradshaw put it best in Sex and the City when she said, “I don’t even think that Bisexuality exists!  I think it’s just a layover on the way to Gay-town!”

    LW#2:   Tell your friend to EFF OFF.   Tell your other friends what this friend has done, and PUT HER IN THE SPOTLIGHT.   and then move on.  Your friends will see this other woman for the CRAZY that she is.   Don’t be afraid to start a fight.

    • avatar 2026 says:

      Cute and funny as Carrie might be at times, insisting that bisexuality doesn’t exist is offensive.  I think things are getting better now, but I’ve felt a lot of pressure to “choose a side” since college.   Unfortunately I wish it was that simple, but I simply have a sexual attraction to both genders.  I can’t speak for anyone else and some people insist that men are more binary, but we don’t really know how other people feel.

  23. avatar Cindy Marek says:

    L #1: Your parents might also be afraid he won’t be tempted to cheat on you with just girls; that there’s the possibility he could cheat on you with either male or female. I don’t have a problem with bisexual people; some just are. However, as Margo rightly points out you are both very young. Take your time.

    L #2: Wow, that woman sounds like a total horse’s bazoo. I have a hunch you were the victim of the Green Eyed Monster: Jealousy. Perhaps you were more liked, more esteemed, more popular — and as “group leader” she couldn’t stomach it. Obviously she is terribly 2-faced. I would never trust her again. If she’s willing to leave you be in your group of FRIENDS, I’d rejoin them. This likely means she’ll try and appear “friendly” to you occasionally, and you’d have to respond with at least feigned politeness. I could manage that. I definitely understand how this upset you, was a “mind scramble”; initially she’s friendly and you’re all having a delightful time. She’s invited you to her home, said she ”loves” you as a friend…and then it’s The Attack of Mrs. Hyde. The trouble is with HER obviously. It’s also pathetic/ridiculous that she won’t give a reason why; which again leads me to the notion she’s very jealous of you. Two years ago I got stung really bad in a social situation; it just as nasty as yours (though in a different context) and out of the blue. So I know the feeling. Time heals and you owe it to yourself to keep trying.