Dear Margo: Jekyll-and-Hyde Roommate

Margo Howard’s advice

Jekyll-and-Hyde Roommate

Dear Margo: I am a 30-year-old woman who recently relocated to a larger city for no good reason other than my desire for a change. I met my roommate on Craigslist. He rode a bus 300 miles to drive my moving van and pull my car, because I didn’t think I could drive it. Because I had only met him one time, but I am not ignorant of the male thought process, I knew immediately that he liked me. I was not initially attracted to him, but homesickness and opportunity seemed to coalesce, and we ended up sleeping together.

Foot rubs, handholding hikes, beachfront strolls and dinner dates seem to have been figments of my imagination, because a complete transformation has occurred. He’s gone from the sweet, thoughtful, attentive guy who would text me throughout the day to a chauvinistic male stereotype who will barely clean up his dishes and can’t wait to tell me which of my new friends he finds attractive.

My friends warned me not to move in with a heterosexual male. Now the question is: Should I move? I don’t have a lease, but this housing situation was a true find in a very trendy/spendy city. The inconvenience of moving alone has kept me here, but it is silly to think we can remain roommates. He was not even a good lover, but now he acts like I am after him! He was after me and got me and then lost interest. Yes, I am bitter. This was the first guy I had clicked with in several years. But now I think I was just in a new city and lonely.

In any event, my ego is bruised. I believe in the Buddhist tenet that destruction of the ego leads to enlightenment, but I go back and forth between ego-angst and acceptance. And then he texts me to say how cute my friend is. Should I stay, or should I go? — Bea

Dear Bea: Go. Or if you can manage it, tell him to go — though you say you are not on the lease, so I would guess you have no leverage. The Buddhists may be right that destruction of the ego leads to enlightenment, but I’ll bet the rest of that precept is: “Take you damaged ego and your newly enlightened self to a separate dwelling.” For your self-respect, you should sever this connection. Only a masochist would stay. — Margo, decisively

A Gift Has Been Given in Her Name

Dear Margo: The letter about getting “gifts” in one’s name to a charity was the most interesting letter ever. I would suggest to anyone who is displeased with the organization that benefits to ask the donor how they would feel if a donation was sent in their name to an organization they abhor.

I totally disagree that this is like any other gift and that people don’t get to choose the gift. Thoughtful gifts of this kind are donations to causes that would be welcome. Unless it’s a group situation (e.g., at Christmas, where a family’s card goes to everybody announcing “a gift has been made in your name”), I find it is passive-aggressive. People who are friends know the other’s beliefs. If someone doesn’t get agreement on this, they should return the favor and give to their own favorite LGBT group or Planned Parenthood in the other person’s name. — Charitable Giver

Dear Char: Sounds good to me. Though even if one chooses a supposed one-size-fits-all politically neutral charity, there could still be unhappiness. I know people who, for various reasons, don’t care for United Way or the Red Cross. Personally, I think the donation route is a lazy person’s way of gift-giving. — Margo, satisfyingly

* * *

Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via the online form at www.creators.com/dear-margo.html. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.

COPYRIGHT 2012 MARGO HOWARD DISTRIBUTED BY CREATORS.COM

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48 comments so far.

  1. avatar Carol David says:

    I completely disagree with you about donations being a lazy form of gift giving. At age 60, without kids (or grandkids), I exchange gifts with very few people. As I get older I find “stuff” more and more oppressive; I would rather get rid of it than get more of it. My one-generation-older cousins, who have given me gifts every holiday of my life, have switched to having trees planted in my name. At first I was taken aback, but now I’m very happy about it. It’s true that if someone gave a donation in my name to an organization I was opposed to I wouldn’t be happy about it. But that hasn’t happened.
    Materialism/consumerism is so rampant in this culture, and it’s soul deadening. We need to find better ways to exchange “gifts” – which I still believe can have emotional value.

    • avatar MMDay says:

      I completely second your opinion. We spend a lot of time returning stuff we don’t have room for and we love the cards we get with our donation acknowledged. I am glad that our friendship inspired another friend or family member to throw some money toward a charity of their choice. It’s all fine. And respectfully, no one has given to a political organization and that for that – I’m grateful too!

  2. avatar Toni Jean says:

    LW1: GO!!! If you have to rent a closet, rent it – and rent alone. Please stop beating yourself up about what happened and stop beating up him too. There’s more to the whole situation than you’re saying, but for your mental health you MUST get out.

  3. avatar Cindy Marek says:

    L #1: You have to ask? Go. That guy is a horse’s patoot. You don’t owe him anything. If you do stay simply for the sake of financial convenience, it’ll be quite an expense on your mental wellbeing (not worth it). As for your Buddhist sentiments, they’re noble. But I’ve found with similar religious sentiments there’s the ideal…and then there’s real life. There are limits to everything, including being magnanimous and noble. When it comes down to “pearls before swine” is when I call it a day.

    L #2: Agreed.

  4. avatar Artemesia says:

    A charitable donation is NOT a gift. It is fine to let friends and relatives know that you are getting out of the gift rat race and are going to instead increase your charitable donations. But don’t send cute little cards announcing a gift in their name; it isn’t a ‘gift’ — it is your own charitable donation and deduction. Announcing it as a gift is simply a narcissistic little self indulgence and a showoffy flounce.

    And of course it is simply offensive to give a donation in someone’s name to an organization they do not support.

    And anyone foolish enough to sleep with a roommate they barely know should be looking at apartment ads the next day. This was a predictable disaster. Yes sometimes roommates end up falling in love; but only fools fall into bed early in the relationship. (well it is pretty foolish to choose a male roommate in the first place, especially a stranger — but compounding that by falling into bed with him immediately? Beyond foolish.) Time to find something else immediately.

    • avatar mmht says:

      Actually Artemesia, the donation is given in the other person’s name so they can not deduct it on their taxes. This year my parents gave my Christmas money to a charity and I was more than fine with that. I don’t NEED anything. Wanting is different, but needing I don’t. It made me happy knowing that money was going to someone who needed it rather than simply wanted another toy around the house.

      However, I do agree with you on LW#1, what a moron!

      • avatar JCF4612 says:

        Nope, MMHT, you’ve got it wrong. Artemesia is correct.

        When somone dies, for instance, do you think for a nanno-second that the deceased in whose name you donated is going rise from the casket to take the deduction? Get real.  

        One donates honoring the name of someone dead or alive to whatever the tax-deductible cause is chosen. The person or company writing the check is the entity eligible for the tax write-off.

        By the way with exception of donating in lieu of flowers at a family’s request, I love Artemesia’s comment about a “narcissistic little self indulgence and a showoffy flounce.”

        I like presents (especially thoughtfu, personalized ones ) of any value no matter how teensy. But don’t be honking your own horn by roping my name in on your tax charitable deduction in my town, and expect me to be appreciative.      

      • avatar wendykh says:

        This is such a first world problem. Seriously. OMG THEY GAVE TO CHARITY IN MY NAME AND THOSE CHUMPS GET TO DECLARE IT ON TAXES THE NERVE!

        Get.A.Real.Problem/Complaint.

      • avatar V says:

        Wendykh! Hahahahaaaa! You are so right. Please don’t buy me a gift, I’m an adult I can buy my own things and I know what I want. If you take the money you were going to spend on me and put it towards helping others that is just fabulous and you rock! 
        JFC4612  and Artemisia…Tax donation really?  You are seriously worried about whether they get a tax donation?! Get A Life.

  5. avatar David Bolton says:

    LW1: I can’t imagine why he isn’t interested in you. You sound like such and awesome person.

    LW2: We already discussed this. Thanks for the recap.

  6. avatar Kathy says:

    LW1 – Reminds me of the joke about the guy who asked a woman if she would be interested in going with him in his private plane to spend the weekend at his mountain resort, skiing and getting pampered at the spa.  She said of course, she would love to go!  Then he said, ”What if we just went to a motel for a few hours instead?”  She exclaimed, ” “How dare you!  What kind of girl do you think I am?”  He said, “We already established what kind of girl you are.  Now, we’re just haggling price.”   LW1′s guy got what he wanted, and worked pretty hard to get it, if you ask me.  Now “move” on.

    • avatar judgingamy says:

      Ouch. True enough, I guess. Sounds like LW probably slept with him out of loneliness and boredom and is mostly just pissed to have wound up as the dumpee of a guy she probably considered not in her league to begin with. Other than not doing the dishes though it sounds like he’s not really a horrible person/roommate. If she can get over her anger at him for not falling in love with her after banging her she might be able to stay.

    • avatar Laury says:

      Kathy — the original joke hinged on the two offers being monetary: a man asks a woman if she would have sex with him for $1,000,000. She agrees. He then follows up by asking her if she would have sex with him for $5. After her outraged exclamation of “How dare you! What kind of girl do you think I am?”, his reply makes more sense, “We already established what kind of girl you are. Now, we’re just haggling price.”

      IMHO, letter writer #1 doesn’t fit in this category. The crux of the problem is emotional, not monetary. She complicated her living situation by hooking up with her roommate. I can’t tell from the letter whether she ever had deep feelings for him or if she only enjoyed having a boyfriend to do things with in the new town. Either way, he moved on. And, now she is emotionally stuck. Getting unstuck may require moving out. Or, it may require dating someone else. Or, it may just require sitting down to establish new ground rules based upon being roommates rather than boyfriend/girlfriend.

  7. avatar jadez says:

    lw1 i wonder if these people ever read the letters they write?

    this letter is so offensive i doubt if anyone would ever come to this persons aid based ON what it says about HER.

  8. avatar mmht says:

    Both letters made me pretty peeved today.
    LW#1: Your and idiot. Not b/c you fell for the guy but b/c after he turned into a total a-hole you’re asking if you should move out or not. Oh, and your lazy b/c the only valid reason you have to say is “Its too hard to move and this area is trendy!” Seriously, do you really need Margo to tell you that situation is unhealthy and destructive?

    LW#2: Margo says: “Personally, I think the donation route is a lazy person’s way of gift-giving.” Really? B/c I think its actually pretty generous during the time of the year when everything is about me, me, me. Personally, I think buying someone a random sweater or knick knack b/c you don’t really know what to get them but you have to give them something is ridiculous and the lazy person’s way of trying to seem thoughtful considering 9 times out of 10 your gift is going to get donated, put up at a yard sale, or just re-gifted. I think you need to get your head out of your butt and realize that there’s more to this holiday season than giving gifts. As for the actual problem itself about the donation going to an organization that they don’t support: To me, the gift is a charity donation that the person receiving doesn’t have a choice as to that, however, they do have a right to determine where it goes.

    • avatar judgingamy says:

      Is the guy really an a-hole though? His only crimes appear to be not washing his dishes and telling her that her friends are cute. I’ll admit the latter is rather tactless, but if not washing dishes makes you a bad person, then I am/was surrounded by a lot of bad people.
       She likes the town, she has a very reasonable rent payment, and she can come and go when she wants (if she’s not on the lease, nothing is forcing her to stay, whereas if she moved out on her own, she’d have to sign her own lease, which is a commitment in itself). I actually think she’d be better off just letting go of her anger and moving out when she finds a good deal, instead of rushing into the first place just to get away from him.

      • avatar mmht says:

        You do have a point. I was basing my opinion on the whole “chauvinistic male stereotype who will barely clean up his dishes and can’t wait to tell me which of my new friends he finds attractive” I was assuming he was guilty of more than not doing dishes and telling her who he thinks is attractive. I am interested though if they had any type of talk after sleeping together. It just seems odd to me that he’d flip a switch like that and she wouldn’t say “Hey, uh what’s happening here? I thought we were dating or at least on the road to getting there.” Especially if she lives with the guy, the awkwardness of that night and then never speaking about it has to get to be crazy!

      • avatar judgingamy says:

        Well, it’s possible he is a jerk and she is, for the purpose being concise, only listing two examples out of many, but reading the letter I kind of get the feeling her description of him is being colored by her feelings of rejection and anger.

        Here’s the reason I think he might not be so bad- the guy rode a bus 300 miles to help a woman drive her moving van to his house. He made her candlelit dinners and gave her foot rubs and went hiking with her. That’s a WHOLE lot of work for someone who just wants to get laid. I know a couple of guys who are all about getting what they want and moving on, and I can’t imagine either of them putting in that much effort just for sex. It sounds like he legitimately liked her and they were dating at some point, and he just lost interest. It happens. It’s incredibly awkward when you live together, which is why it’s generally not advised, but it doesn’t make one a bad person. He might assume she’s over it, and that’s why he doesn’t shy away from telling her that her friends are cute, or maybe he’s trying to make her uncomfortable so she’ll move out- since him moving out is not an option.

      • avatar mayma says:

        Let me get this straight, LW1. You decided to move on a lark and didn’t have the wherewithal to actually move yourself, or you didn’t think through the logistics properly, so this stranger travelled about five hours to help you. (No money for a moving company? No friends? No ability to drive a van yourself, for some reason?)

        You now don’t have the wherewithal to live in this “trendy/spendy” city that YOU chose unless you debase yourself by continuing in this situation. He may have had a “sudden transformation” in reaction to your helplessness. Throughout your letter is a lack of agency. YOU chose a male roommate, YOU slept with him (the sex didn’t just kinda happen; it’s a choice you made), YOU apparently don’t tell him to stuff it when he talks about your friends, and now you want someone else to tell you what to do when it’s perfectly obvious.

        You’re already ego-less, believe me (and not in the good way). You don’t need to pull out any philosophical rationale for being a drifting piece of driftwood. Sac up. Get an apartment, and a higher paying job to pay for it, if necessary. Be somebody.

      • avatar Toni Jean says:

        Bingo.

  9. avatar jennaA says:

    LW1: Wondering what sort of a response she was expecting… or if she was just looking for confirmation that she should move out? No one in their right mind would tell her to stay. Had a fleeting thought that maybe this guy solicits female roommates for that very purpose.

  10. avatar Frau Quink says:

    Ltr.# 1: Of course, you should move out. But do pay your share of the rent for the month. If you don’t, you might end up in front of Judge Judy…….That might not be a pretty picture for either one of you…..

    • avatar nkg0515 says:

      Yes, move out, so he can find a roommate that isn’t a whiner! This time, USE YOUR BETTER JUDGEMENT when finding an affordable apartment/roommate! AND DON’T SLEEP WITH THEM!

  11. avatar TheTexasMom says:

    Foot rubs, handholding hikes, beachfront strolls and dinner dates seem to have been figments of my imagination, because a complete transformation has occurred. He’s gone from the sweet, thoughtful, attentive guy who would text me throughout the day to a chauvinistic male stereotype who will barely clean up his dishes and can’t wait to tell me which of my new friends he finds attractive.”

    He also drove 300 miles (it seems one way) to help her move.   What did she bring to the table?  Other than going to bed with him she never stated what she did for him.   LW even admits she was not initally attracted to him but was bored and lonely. Yeah she should moved but not for the reason she thinks.  USER!!

  12. avatar Daniele says:

    When Buddhists talk about the “destruction” of the ego leading to enlightenment, we don’t mean having someone (the self or others) trample all over self-esteem and self-image. We mean that we finally recognize that the ego does not actually exist and that the self is an imaginary figment that we use to separate ourselves from reality. It seems all really existential or something, but the thing we call “self” or “ego” is this socially constructed collage of identities. As with any social construction, they distort reality. LW1′s ego-destruction is attacking the self and kicking her while she’s down, rather than recognizing that what she thought was real is actually not. If you wanna go Buddhist, the eightfold path has something that applies: right (meaning holistic not opposed to wrong) action (or conduct). Right action means not doing things that harm one’s self or others. Staying in that situation is harmful to not only herself, but to the roommate (who can then continue to be Barney Stinson, thinking she’s his FWB wingman) and to her friends (who probably don’t know they’re being cruised and would certainly consider it a breech of trust if they discovered Barney Stinson’s acolyte was texting her about their physical features and she didn’t put a stop to it).

    So, move out. You don’t deserve to get kicked when you’re down (even if he doesn’t have the first clue that this is what he’s doing).

  13. avatar fallinginplace says:

    LW#2: Every year, my lovely niece sends my teenage sons (her younger cousins) $20 checks with the payee’s name left blank.  The kids’ job is to find a charity they would like to support and send them the check.  They did so grudgingly at first, but this has proven to be a terrific exercise in quite literally sharing the riches of the holidays.  Of course, this won’t help the writer who was informed that a gift was made in her name to a charity she abhorred, but I thought it was a great idea. 

  14. avatar Katharine Gray says:

    LW#1:  Good grief!  Of course you should move or else develop thicker skin (it will come in handy while you are  doing the dishes).  One thing you don’t say is whether you are still sleeping with him from time to time…let us hope not but I’m thinking maybe so.  Give the guy 30 days notice and find a place…or find a place and give the guy 30 days notice.  I’m not sure either or you is the villian (or the hero) in this situation but its time to move on and out.

    Re Letter #2:  I’m with Margo.   Unless the concept has been discussed and is part of a reciprocal plan for all concerned, I think giving money to charity and getting the tax deduction is a lazy way to give gifts and made even less attractive by the superior moral attitude it conveys (*I’m so wonderful….I abhor the materiality of the season and if you are not grateful for my generosity then you are a shallow evil person who kills puppies and gives cigarettes to children*).     My personal feeling is that those who  claim to deplore the crass materialism of the season are generally cheap people who just don’t want to shell out the money or time to buy gifts.  Its one thing if you cannot afford to be give gifts…but that isn’t the issue if you are shelling out cash to charities.  My entire family extended family including my husband and I  are barely surviving in this economy and we were perfectly happy to just spend time together this holiday and spend what money we did have on good food and drink.  We spent our *gift money* on the children in the family (and not very much at that). It was *awesome* (in the words of my 4 year old great-nephew).   

  15. avatar BeanCounter says:

    I think Dawn Davenport said it best when she uttered angrily as she stomped down the stairs:   I BETTER GET THOSE CHA-CHA HEELS!!!!!!

    • avatar David Bolton says:

      Mayma wins the comment award for the week, but your comment is prettiest on the inside—almost as pretty as Elizabeth Taylor.

      I love me some Divine. (sigh)

  16. avatar JCF4612 says:

    Go … go … go … Be thrilled you aren’t on the lease. As for the physical move, if you can’t handle things yourself with U-Haul and a couple of pals, look for Moving Vans in the online Yellow Pages. Or call an auction house that will pick up furniture and bric-a-brac and sell it for you, taking a percentage of the sales price.

    If you want to treat this oaf to a surprise departure, start discreetly thinning out your stuff NOW … food supply, grooming stuff, clothing … you name it, so the quickie adios is easier to execute. Leave his crap behind of course along with some dirty dishes.  As a fun touch, don’t forget to take light bulbs and toilet paper.   

    And try to utilize some judgment in the future before moving in and subsequently shacking up with someone you’ve only met once. Duh!  

      

  17. avatar nkg0515 says:

    LW1- You moved in with a guy you met on Craigslist, moved into a different city, just for something different, slept with him & NOW your whining because he has changed? Your lucky you are still alive after all the dumb moves on YOUR part! Move out if you can, but hopefully you have learned a lesson from all of this….YOU DON’T JUST TAKE UP WITH A GUY YOU MEET ON LINE! If you were my daughter I would suggest you have you head examined! You can’t have you cake & eat it too.

  18. avatar ann penn says:

    re LW1 – This guy went out of his way to move a woman he encountered via Craigslist 300 miles to share his living space. Initially he treated her in a romantic way that led to intimacy. Now she is regretful and wondering if she should get out, but it’s not convenient (nor was moving herself 300 miles without his help).

    Two things occur to me. First, as has been stated, she has essentially used him and he is now resentful. Second, this initially supportive “Mr. Wonderful” behavior is a way some abusive men get women to fall for them. They like having “their woman” in a situation where it is not easy for her to get away. He helped her move to a place where she has very few resources, as I read it.

    Either way, she needs to leave. IF he’s Mr. Nice Guy, now feeling taken advantage of and expressing it with his new behaviors, she needs to go and free him of the burden she may have become. IF he is an abusive male who sought to have a woman he could control, now showing his true colors, she needs to leave as soon as she can.

    I think she knows she needs to go, but lacks the next guy to move her stuff, etc. Regardless, it’s time to grow up and become a responsible adult. Find a new place to live and pay the movers to bring your stuff.

  19. avatar BettieLou says:

    I am LW1 and want to respond because there are far too many judgmental people commenting.  FYI, I moved out prior to Margo’s running this letter, and moreover the implication that I could not do it on my own is both misinformed and offensive. Indeed, it was inconvenient, and I paid rent at two places last month just to get away (and I drove the moving van - thankyouverymuch dear, sweet, self-righteous, venomous and as always ANONYMOUS internet haters). 
    As for him not being a bad guy – I agree that he was not a “bad guy”… that is if you consider a “good guy” to be someone who says that he “do(es) not have a problem hitting women” after I remarked, once again, that the fireplace did not work properly and that black plumes of smoke should not be filling one’s home on a nightly basis. Or who literally stated that he was intentionally seeing “how far he could push me”, and that I “reminded him of his mother” who he used to do the same thing to, and that he got his jollies from arguments and conflict. Indeed the final straw was when it became clear that we were in an abusive cycle wherein he would be a jerk until I snapped and we argued (each time escalating in intensity) then the next day he would come to me sweet and apologetic, full of excuses and promises to change…and all this was after we slept together (and yes we discussed it many times. In fact, everything I said in the original letter and here was said to him first.) I didn’t want to wait around until he finally proved he hadn’t a problem hitting women.
    I find it pitable that so many people were quick to call me a moron and try to insult me further by implying that I did not perform due dilligence prior to moving in…let’s see, phone calls, several hours grilling him in person with multiple friends present, background check etc. Not really sure what more one would do prior to living with someone.  In addition, he offered to ride a bus and come down to move my stuff. I did not ask him to, he offered and I accepeted because it was the easiest scenario at the time. There were other options, and incidentally I had a friend along with me the whole time so I believe I was mitigating the risk as much as  necessary. Obviously hindsight is 20/20 and I should not have slept with him, but how could I have known when the first couple months were spent staring into each other’s eyes, smiling until our cheeks hurt, and generally doing exactly what people who truly like each other do? I would like to know the answer to that question, I truly would…How do you know? I think this guy is despite it all, a good guy who is very troubled…After I told him I was moving, he said “I really did like you, I just got freaked out, I’ve been scared of committment ever since ‘ex’s name’ left me” (She moved all her stuff out on his birthday last year while he was at work…ouch) Did I mention that I later found out that his mother was a crack addicted teenage prostitute who lost custody to the state and that he was not adopted until age 5 by what sounded like an abusive and weird mormon family…I suspect he hates women (subconsciously or otherwise). Live and learn and NEVER pay heed to internet trolls. Peace

    • avatar TheTexasMom says:

      Either Margo edited out a lot of pertinent information or you failed to state the facts as given above. People assessed their opinion based on the information at hand. My question to you now is what changed between the time you penned the letter and it running? If you had been as assertive then as you come across now, you never would have been in pickle you found yourself in.

      BTW, I’m truly glad you wrote in but happier to know you moved. May the New Year bring you peace.

    • avatar mayma says:

      Here are the contradictions between your letter and your response, LW1:

      Letter: “He rode a bus 300 miles to drive my moving van and pull my car, because I didn’t think I could drive it.” AND “The inconvenience of moving alone has kept me here…”
      Post: “[T]he implication that I could not do it on my own is both misinformed and offensive…. I drove the moving van – thankyouverymuch…”

      Letter: “Because I had only met him one time…”
      Post: “[S]o many people were quick to call me a moron and try to insult me further by implying that I did not perform due dilligence prior to moving in…”

      Letter: “I was not initially attracted to him, but homesickness and opportunity seemed to coalesce, and we ended up sleeping together.” [describes an impulse]
      Post: “… and yes we discussed it many times.”

      There are many other inconsistencies. Don’t blame the commenters for commenting on the letter that is printed. There were glaring issues in that letter, ending with the question “should I stay or go?” We are not mind-readers. You are still seemingly focused on HIM and his issues. My opinion — that you are not in touch with the agency you have in your own life — stands.

      • avatar TheTexasMom says:

        mayma after I posted above, I went back and reread the original letter and drew the same conclusion as you. I just didn’t have the energy to say so.

      • avatar Lunita says:

        Well, as regards the “I was not initially attracted to him” bullet above, I understood BettieLou’s clarification to mean that they discussed the sex after it occurred. Also, the quotation from the letter does not necessarily equate to an impulse; it could just as easily describe a gradual weakening of resolve or change of mind that came about due to the causes LW described. Same with the point about meeting him just once; that is an “inconsistency”; rather, she stated in both cases she only met him once but in the explanation above mentions that other due diligence was performed. Where is the inconsistency? I take issue that so many people were quick to jump on her. I don’t believe she intentionally used him, nor do I believe any omissions in the letter were necessarily her fault.

      • avatar Lunita says:

        Apparently everyone on this forum always knows exactly what to do, never changes their mind, and always makes the right choices. Or, that’s how it seems from the judgmental responses posted here.

    • avatar mmht says:

      Betty Lou, you need to go back to the letter and read it from the perspective of someone who is not familiar with the situation. You sound like a whiney user. Don’t blame those on here commenting b/c you wrote a letter making yourself look bad.

      • avatar judgingamy says:

        I agree, but I don’t think Bettie Lou is taking your advice. Sounds like she’s taken her ball and gone home. Bettie Lou, if you are reading this, 100% of the commenters interpreted your post the exact same way. Sure, you can dismiss us all as internet hater trolls, or you can conclude that the common denominator is you and the situation you depicted in your letter.

  20. avatar Ghostwheel says:

    LW1, I am going to actually answer your question of should I stay or should I go instead of judge you (because I have a friend who sounds just like the jerk you describe and have seen the exact behavior described here many times-you must get away from him).

    If you like where you are living and have the backbone to give the guy 30 days and move him out, stay (and get another roommate, if you need one).
    If you can’t move him out, go.

    It’s really a pretty easy choice.

  21. avatar lebucher says:

    BIG disconnect for me between original letter#1 and Bettie Lou’s update.  Makes me wonder about how much editing was done for brevity.

    That said I am VERY glad to hear she has moved, because her former roomie sounds like a few sandwiches short of a picnic.  

  22. avatar TheTexasMom says:

    Dear Margo,

    Please run the roommate’s letter as it was submitted as to end the speculatiion or post a follow-up with your thoughts.

  23. avatar BettieLou says:

    Hello again! Regarding the inconsistencies between my letter versus my comment, I definitely paraphrased in the letter and went into far greater detail in the comment. And it is nothing short of comically tragic to have a person try to pick apart point by point a simple email…this was not a deposition, sweetheart, nor was it innaccurate in either iteration. Examples: he drove moving van/i drove the moving van thankyouverymuch…He did drive the moving van, with my car in tow on a 300 mile drive. I drove my SECOND moving van that I used to move from his place to my new place (car driven separately). I only met him one time/due dilligence yada yada…before I moved in. I was physically in his presence for one day (i.e. met him once, in old home, with my friends present, and we all hung out for several hours) but had multiple phone calls, facebooks, chats and paid background check (all those occurred online so AGAIN, that is meeting someone in PERSON once, supplemented with several other forms of contact). I was not initially attracted to him, but boredom and…./we discussed it many times. The comment about discussing our situation had nothing to do with being attracted to him but rather was in response to someone else’s query as to whether we talked about what was going on. So not sure why those two sentiments were seen as correlates in the first place. As to whether I was using him, I see how one might interpret it that way, but that wasn’t my intention, and I don’t think he felt used either. In fact, I was the one who felt used, hence my writing the letter to begin with. It was truly a dramatic change in his behavior that was so pronounced, I was just confused as to what was genuine in him and what was to serve an ulterior motive.  He wasn’t ugly by any means, if he just wanted to get laid, I would think that he’d have selected a better candidate for a ”hit it and quit it” than the person who is paying half the rent…What changed for me between when I wrote that letter and when I wrote that comment? Well my address for one. But also my feelings for him. I don’t really feel anything for him now, but he was nothing short of despondent when I moved out, which is very curious to me since his behavior seemed to be pushing me out. Meh, either way. Though I wasn’t using this man, I may use other men…I am working on being less superficial, but why are the pretty ones always insane!

  24. avatar Paula says:

    “Personally, I think the donation route is a lazy person’s way of gift-giving.”

    My mother and I are living proof that this is wrong, Margo!!!!

    After 9-11, it hit us that we needed to think of those in need, especially during the Christmas season. All of us in our large extended family have enough – a place to live, a car that runs, and sufficient income to keep our bills paid – and none of us need more “stuff”! So, that year, we started doing donations in honor of our family members. Small children were and are given gifts to open, and older kids were/are usually given money. But for all working adults, we asked for suggestions from THEM as to what they preferred in the way of donations, and tried to go with what meant the most to them. Some, not all, of our relatives have joined us over the years, cutting down on the unnecessary clutter in our homes from things we don’t need or use, and are trying to remember those less fortunate during the Christmas season.