Dear Margo: Sex and the City

Today’s culture of “hooking up” makes dating feel impossible; what’s a girl to do? Margo Howard’s advice

Sex and the City

Dear Margo: My daughter, 22, refuses to go out with men. Why? It seems that girls of her generation have created a situation where the young man summons the young woman to his apartment to “hook up.” That’s the date: no phone call, just a text message. Then, after the event, the girl wonders why he doesn’t call. In addition, the young lady is expected to wax her privates and carry baby wipes in her purse so she can be fresh and ready for anything. This is because men like “young” girls.

If you recall our college days, gentlemen called you no later than Wednesday for a Saturday night date. They wined and dined you and walked you to the door for a goodnight kiss, if they were lucky. Sex came later, when the woman felt she was in a committed relationship. Young women today should all unite, stop waxing and “take back the night.” — Sally

Dear Sal: You and I wouldn’t have gone for the routine that you say is today’s norm. I think our generation was lucky that sex meant something and “virtue” had value. The hook-up culture of today strikes me as bizarre, with its practitioners the losers.

I don’t think you’re asking a question so much as voicing a protest. Your views seem to coincide with your daughter’s — and I’m guessing she got hers from you. I hope you’ll make an effort not to be nervous on her behalf, because there are men who find the hooking-up culture shallow and demeaning. People are getting married all the time, and I seriously doubt all those romances began with a booty call. And guess what? Following is a letter from your daughter.

Sex and the City: Part II

Dear Margo: My mother wrote you in regard to me and men. I know she’s concerned that I don’t date, and I want to give you my perspective. I knew about sex at a young age and felt comfortable being open with her. I chose not to lose my virginity in high school; my mother always told me not to settle. I went to college, and a voice in my head told me to wait. I was not interested in one-night stands in a fraternity house. I was mysterious, an enigma.

The “virgin thing” went from enigma to stigma in the real world. I’ve been working for a year, and I’m 22 and still a virgin. My confidence makes me attractive to men, and I have a head-turning Kim Kardashian figure. Desirable men flirt with me, but I know they are only after one thing. I am mature for my age, which comes off as sexually experienced. Men don’t ask me on dates; they just invite me to their humble abodes. I feel disinclined to accept any of these offers because of my “secret.” All I really want is for someone to see me for me. — Virgin Whore

Dear Virg: I believe your mother understands where you are coming from and, in fact, agrees with you. Her concern is that you will never find Mr. Right if you refuse to go on dates. I think you are shortchanging the appeal of not being easy. Sexual America may be on a faster track than before, but there are still men with standards. My recommendation would be for you to accept what you imagine to be invitations to hook up and then treat them as dates — you know, with things like “conversation.” If the guy is disappointed, well … he might also be intrigued. You will at least have given him a chance.

Do not buy into the “stigma” business. Somewhere there’s a man who doesn’t think much of hooking up and is looking for a girl like you, and the only way you will find him is by accepting dates. I have been around a long time and know that when the chemistry is right, you can pretty much have things your way. — Margo, determinedly

* * *

Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.

COPYRIGHT 2011 MARGO HOWARD
DISTRIBUTED BY CREATORS.COM

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123 comments so far.

  1. avatar Francisco Valls says:

    My best friend from college was a virgin when she got married. Furthermore, she and her husband (both devoted Catholics) decided not to have sex until their wedding night. Now, 8 years later and three children, they are as happy as they can be. If you are willing to wait a little longer than the average girl (and by the way, I see nothing wrong with having sex prior to marriage, but we all get to decide what we want), you will find ‘the one” that was worth the wait.

    • avatar blue tooth says:

      If I remember correctly, the divorce numbers for those who married as virgins is about the same as for those who weren’t.

    • avatar Phillip Koons says:

      I had a friend who did much the same thing. Her and her husband waited until their wedding night to have sex.

      She’s miserable now (and sex is one of their many issues).

      Just because you wait doesn’t guarantee you a happy ending.

  2. avatar Phillip Koons says:

    LW1: I’m not really sure what the question is. Are you mad that she’s not dating or are you made because some people have casual sex (regardless of age) ?

    LW2: The first thing I wondered is how much you are projecting this “Guys are only trying to get in my pants” attitude. If you start off immediately with those preconceived notions of every man you meet, you’re going to be a virgin for a long time. No man will ever get the chance to prove you wrong. Then you went on to talk about how desirable you were, I get the feeling that you really enjoy the attention and sexual tension that it causes as well. Confidence is good. Purposefully teasing is bad.

  3. avatar TheTexasMom says:

    My oldest daughter was 25 and working in her first year as a Prosecutor in Cook County when she married.  In planning the wedding I tried to get them to push it back  6 months, for family reasons.  My now son-in-law pulled me to the side and explained, in plain English, that my daughter was a virgin and he rather not wait.   While I suspected her a virgin I found this quite humorous but my point is: she never would have called herself a virgin whore and never complained of guys only after her for one thing.  She attended a large public college (Hook ‘em Horns), dated, partied and had a large circle of friends both male and female.  LW2 needs to find a new hangout.  And I suspect she is projecting more than her Kim K. butt!

    • avatar chuck alien says:

      “She attended a large public college (Hook ‘em Horns)”

      truly adorable that he believed her.

      • avatar TheTexasMom says:

        Chuck, you actually made me laugh!  That was funny!!  But you would have to know her, and him with her to know it’s more than likely true.  It can happen, seriously it can.

      • avatar chuck alien says:

        LOL. I know, i know. that was more a roundabout swipe at UT than anything. :)

        that is really charmingly old-fashioned, that you were trying to push it back and he was trying to explain that he really, REALLY would rather it was now! That must have been an awkward-yet-funny conversation… “but why does it have to be NOW, son?”

        It sounds like an old screwball comedy movie… I remember when i finally realized WHY people in old movies always seemed to be in a rush to get married. “Married” then means what “dating” does now.

      • avatar TheTexasMom says:

        Well it was easy to believe because her dad (Ohio St.) was a virgin when we began dating (awkward) but not when we married. Hey, you have to draw the line somewhere!!

        And in regards to UT, I’m so tired of the UT/TAMU, Big12/SEC debacle, it just makes you want to dial it back to the good old days of the SWC.

  4. avatar Deborah Key says:

    Where is the like button?  Two thumbs up for Texas Mom!

  5. avatar snowwhite4577 says:

    I am thinking this Kim K. Virginwhore woman does not have as much confidence as she thinks she does….the way she presents herself in the letter is as someone who is faking confidence.  Because if you really had all the confidence you are talking about…you would know that all men are NOT looking for one thing.

  6. avatar Briana Baran says:

    By the way, I do not think the letters are hoaxes perpetrated by trolls. Having led the sort of life that has allowed me to meet all sorts of interesting people, let me assure everyone that yes, there are people as sanctimonious and ignorant as darling Sally…and clueless, perhaps in need of a bit of introspection, a serious check of how they project themselves, and how others actually perceive them versus how they BELIEVE that others perceive them as (I squirm in disbelief) our self-labeled Virgin Whore (I still don’t know what this means. It is crazy making. I imagine a young woman in Lolita dress…like cos-play. So very wrong).

    Also women who believe that loose women with no morals are ruining life for Good Girls, and other women who are convinced that All Men Want Is Sex. All Men…meaning every male on the planet. I suppose that means dead ones as well. I know that this can cause cognitive dissonance for many. It’s the human condition. So it goes.

  7. avatar Sadie BB says:

    LW2 – I have read your letter & the responses to it & all I can saw is wow, what a bunch of crabby old farts who have forgotten what it is to be young.

    You seem quite self-involved…but then, you’re young. And you probably do look like Kim Kardashian, After all, you’re young! It’s just nature’s way of giving some advantage to the inexperienced female of unproven fertility. In my profession I work with a lot of young people and all the young gals look annoyingly fabulous, all the time! Some of them better than Kim, in my opinion.

    I am 25 years your senior and the attitude that a woman should just put out on command is nothing new…what is new is that a lot of young girls don’t see it for the BS it is. I too had the experience that holding out gave me a strange fascination in some men’s eyes. While ego-flattering and an example to your more gullible sisters it really gets a little creepy after a while. But certainly there is no reason to put up with the tedious pokings of some clueless young pup just to prove you are a real woman.

    Two pieces of advice:

    First, do not label yourself with derogatory terms like ‘Virgin Whore’ even to be funny. It just gives an opportunity for jealous people to snipe at you.

    And I think the reason you & your mom wrote the letters is out of concern that your high standards (or as they used to be known – ‘standards’) will cause you to miss out altogether. I did not meet my soul mate until I was 30..but he was worth the wait. I did have a few relationships up until then either but the guy did not have that special ‘spark’ for me or vice versa.

    Attraction is a mysterious thing and even a outwardly suitable mate may not give you that zing. So my second piece of advice is that you keep swimming around in the same old pond you will meet the same old guppies. You need to meet a LOT of men to find that special one. (and I do mean ‘meet‘, not ‘sleep with‘) Get outside your usual circles to maximize your chances.

    Good luck., VW. I don’t see a lot of attractive women sitting around alone even into their 30s & 40s unless they have SERIOUS mental issues. (Because much like ‘holding out‘, moderate mental issues can make you even more attractive to men. )

    • avatar Briana Baran says:

      Mmm…Sadie BB? You’re an old fart too. Just saying. And I find your comment about “tedious poking” hilarious. O my word (which would probably offend you mightily). Dear, no one, 22 or 32 or 52 looks fabulous all of the time…not even the Angelinas, Giselles, Marilyns, or Demis…not anyone. And not all young women are Kim Kardashian (hardly, her figure is, in fact, quite unusual amongst the aspiring toward the celestial realm of rumored beauty. Most twenty-something women share a Northern European frame…flat hips, flat backside, higher, wider hips, less waist definition, longer limbs, and a thicker upper body versus an actually larger bust. And most struggle desperately to achieve that size 0-1, hence creating that heroin chic look). Why do you suppose that breast and buttock implants have become so ridiculously popular in the very young? Coat hanger bodies with unnatural protrusions. And a lot of women look healthy, sensuous, fully sexual and attractive (this isn’t the ’50′s…18- or 19-…you know) in their 40′s, 50′s, 60′s and onward. It’s called evolving. You don’t even need cosmetic surgery…just a healthy lifestyle, attitude, confidence, curiosity and an active mind. Age before beauty? No, dear. Sometimes it really can be pearls before swine.

      I see a lot of attractive young women who do NOT sleep around, and also do NOT label themselves “Virgin Whore”, have problems with men soley seeking them out for sex, and do not speak of themselves in quite the hyperbolic terms our LW does. Kim Kardashian figure. Extreme confidence, Mysterious and enigmatic. Exuding sexual experience. Really? Right. The young women I know are delightful, lovely, not lacking for men wanting dates, confident and bright. Why would I be jealous of them? I have a wonderful 17 year marriage to my best friend, my lover, my partner, the father of my children that still has sparks flying everywhere. I am not in competition with those 20+ years my junior. I like young women, and I wish them success and happiness. My son will marry one someday, I hope. One who doesn’t think he’s a clueless pup, or just after sex, or that she’s A Gift, along with her Sanctified Virginity.

      I think you may have a few, ahem, issues, dear. Nothing mysterious about virginity. It either is, or it isn’t. Pretending it’s some sort of enigma (Goshers, why doesn’t someone that hot just give it up?) is ridiculous. O, sorry, you were obviously one of those “special someones” who was “holding out”. Do you really think that “holding out” (do you know what an antiquated term that is, and the kind of negative connotations and resonance it has for a lot of people?) set an example for “gullible girls”? What a hoity-toity snob you are. Insufferable. A perfect example of the sort who thinks of themselves as Special, Better, Above…and all because of an unbroken membrane. Really?

      I don’t know of anyone who ever tolerated the “tedious pokings of a clueless young pup” to prove she was a woman. I certainly didn’t. I was sexually assaulted by a very clued in old predator. I do know a few women like yourself who Held Out to Prove Themselves Superior Women. Who had herself “a few relationships” before meeting her (wait for it, try not to throw up in your mouth, even a little) “soul mate” (gag, glargh, worst term in the history of True Love). So, dahlink, what are a “few” relationships”? Just curious, you know. Since you hold yourself in such high esteem, and must have Given It Up To The One. Or not, since you didn’t find True Love and your…ergh…Soul…Mate…until after a few trials and errors. Or Epic Fails. You must really have had some Standards. Boy Howdy!

      O, so, howdy do, about those mental issues. Minor or major, they are not something that is mysterious or alluring (unless you’ve got a Messiah, Pygmallion/Psychiatrist or some other Healing Complex…or you’re a hair…off). They don’t define a person, they aren’t cute or sexy, and they aren’t part of one’s persona. Well, unless you want them to be. You did mention them, you know, bring them up as potentially appealing. I’ve never heard of a man who found moderate mental issues attractive, but maybe you have personal experience in this matter…? With your…cringe…Soul Mate? Inquiring minds want to know. You brought it up.

      If I were Virgin Whore, I’d run screaming from your advice, you sanctimonious old biddy. But I’m not, I’m a cynical, sardonic, soulless (so I’ve been informed a time or two on this board), old hard case who has very limited tolerance for people in serious need of a reality check.

      So it goes. Feh.

      • avatar Sadie BB says:

        Jeez Briana…project much? Here’s your reality check.
        Yes I am an old fart. And darned proud of it! Why? Did you think it was something to be ashamed of?
        You seem to be the one with an issue. Free your inner hag and break loose instead of hatin‘ on your peers!
        My technical profession is filled with diverse & bright young people so I can confidently say
        1. A lot of non-Northern Europeans women do indeed resemble Kim K..at least in their younger years. Mostly I work with non-NE., but here in LA even the NE gals look like her. And they all feel the pressure to ‘hook up’. Perhaps those wonderful young ladies you speak of don’t confide this to you (maybe because you throw up when you hear the phrase ‘soul mate’? )
        2. Sorry, but mental issues can make an already attractive woman absolutely irresistible to certain men and nothing you say to the smitten one will sway them. I can’t believe you haven’t noticed the phenomenon.. They’ve written entire books about it. Shelves of books! I believe the genre is called ‘Self Help’
        And yes, I am special (though clearly not for virginity..) And quite funny too. Even people who don’t quite get me have to admit that I am …what was your word..…hilarious!

      • avatar Sadie BB says:

        PS. I most closely resemble an edgy, smart, Jill St John.

      • avatar Briana Baran says:

        “Free your inner hag and break loose instead of hatin‘ on your peers!”

        Why Sadie darling, isn’t that what you were doing? Accusing everyone of jealousy and being envious of young girls? Calling them “old farts” (while obviously being certain to hold yourself well above the pack) because they were attacking poor, misunderstood Virgin Whore? Really, darling heart, I do believe you unleashed your inner harpy on people who were logically questioning, not attacking, the essence of a somewhat hyperbolic and contradictory letter.

        But you, Jill St. John (am I supposed to be impressed now?), are so elevated that I’m to…what…withdraw into silence. Why? Because you’re in LA (land of lost and lonely plastic-fantastic hopefuls and more cosmetic surgeons than gas stations)? Again, and apologies to you for the information, but not every young woman in LA is beautiful, or has a Kardashian figure. You are deeply and abidingly delusional. There are beautiful, average and ugly young women everywhere. LA certainly doesn’t have the corner on much of anything…except a politically strapped and inefficient police force and perhaps more gang related problems than anywhere else in the country. And more disillusioned actors, singers and etc. working as waitresses, waiters, prostitutes, washing cars, dealing drugs…and eventually rotting on the vine…than even NYC. Waiting for that Big Break.

        I am considering your reliance on Self-Help books for your psychological information. I picture you with shelves full of them, ready at your fingertips with the latest psychobabble from the most au courant self-described Mental Health Savant celebutard’s advice for whatever might (or might not…but they’ll make you believe it does) ail you. Or your many young women. You mention a technical profession. Computer animation? Most of those women do tend to have curves…and then your statement would be essentially, if virtually, true.

        Sadie, I was not “hating on” (another loathsome phrase) my “peers”. Specifically, your post was sanctimonious and, well, to use your word, creepy. And contradictory. And a little bit delusional and weird. Yes, I know a lot of young people, who talk a great deal about their lives, dreams, desires…everything. I spent a great deal of my life helping young people, and I genuinely care about them…”beautiful” on the outside or otherwise. Also, I just suppose that I am not quite as certain of my Special Status as you: as you self-describe: edgy, smart, hilarious (I agree, but my amusement regarding you is not the sort you would appreciate), quite funny (“funny”, as in “there’s something funny about that woman”?). Anything else I should know, ducks? I do know things about myself, enough to be certain that in questioning your post I am not “hatin on” a peer. You’re not my peer. We aren’t from the same galaxy. You are merely the same general age as I am.

        By the way, toots, I haven’t ever heard a person under the age of 40 use the term “soul mate”. Ever. The first time I became aware of that gag-worthy phrase was in the late 70′s, and it was commonly used by those somewhat older than myself, who also followed the daily horoscopes (if you actually know anything about astrology and are, ah, serious about it, you know that newspaper, internet and magazine horoscopes are garbage according to the actual premises of the beliefs), smoked A Lot of Dope, and are now largely driving Beemers, Lexi and Benzes (especially useless SUV’s that will never go off-road, or carry more than three people and a pursey-dog), have a lot of expensive toys, and are worried about their Social Security and having a Liberal in the White House. Only a certain type of person uses the term…and it is still nauseating.

        So Sadie Special, I still think you’re a Snob of the First Order, who thinks she’s living, literally, with the angels. May I be saved from those who think comparing themselves to Celebrities in their Appearance will Impress and Awe. And add Edgy and Smart. Edgy? You sound more like my maiden aunt (who would be about 95 now, were she still among the living), but a bit stodgier. The only celebrity comparison I can think, vis a vis myself has nothing to do with appearance…more with imagination, other realities, world view and mental boundaries (or lack of such). That would be Clive Barker. Best I could do. I relate to his writing, ideas, art and thoughts. He doesn’t disturb, just amuses and intrigues. I have no idea if I look like anyone else. Nor do I care.

        But I am Edgy. I bite. Hard. And love and care the same way. I’m not into superficialities, or what others think. I do have extremely good friends, and people who trust me implicitly…but I don’t know why, or what they think of me, because, unlike you (obviously) I don’t ask. I don’t need the strokes. So besa mi culo, you old harpie. Feh.

      • avatar blue tooth says:

        Ouch. I remember Soul Mates from the ’60s and ’70s, but haven’t heard much of them since, except from people of that time. But then again, I’ve heard my kids use that phrase a few times, and some other young’uns, especially those who’ve OD’d on Nora Ephron movies. If you see “Sleepless in Seattle” laying in the DVD player, or Harry Met Sally, you can be sure you’ll hear that phrase eventually. :-)

      • avatar Sadie BB says:

        Briana, girl, get a grip!
        Most people don’t find the phrase ‘soul mate’ worthy of entire paragraphs of vitriol. Nor is the fact that I disagree with your views an unbelievable outrage that must be  punished with insults and unsavory speculation. I truly believe you are hinting that I am some sort of Republican! And that hurts.

        And by the way…I look BETTER than Jill St John.
        BWA HA HA awaiting the three page rant.

      • avatar Briana Baran says:

        I have a grip…on reality. Something you ought to try. Just a thought, though. Why are you so obsessed with your appearance? What compels you to keep bringing up just how wonderful and gorgeous you are? Using self-help books to find a coping mechanism for an enormous inferiority complex? I never questioned your, mmm, beauty, as it were…just your need to identify yourself as Spectacular.

        My paragraphs are actually quite brief, in the general scheme of things. I didn’t precisely disagree with you. I found your initial attack against anyone who questioned Virgin Whore obnoxious, your post self-contradictory, and your self-description sanctimonious, supercilious and a little dull. I also perceive that you are perhaps a bit literacy challenged (vis a vis comprehension) and that you seem to think your insistence on your physical charms will somehow intimidate or astound me. How droll.

        Well now. So it goes. I really don’t care to engage further in a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.

      • avatar Sadie BB says:

        Briana – it appears that irony is lost on you.

      • avatar Briana Baran says:

        You know, I don’t think that “irony” means what you think that it means. You seem unclear on that concept. All concepts.

        Is this post and these words short enough for you to understand?

      • avatar Sadie BB says:

        Briana – not a lot of mirrors in your galaxy, eh?

      • avatar TheTexasMom says:

        Ladies, I’m guessing neither one of you are going to take the high road and ignore each other’s bards?

        Yeah, that’s what I thought…..carry on.

      • avatar Sadie BB says:

        Texas – bards eh? That’s a cute typo !

        Very well. I shall retire to the back yard & perform my ‘End to Fertility’ dance.

      • avatar Sadie BB says:

        Anyone care to join me?

        I wave my arms a lot & strike cat-like poses

        It’s wonderfully soothing!

      • avatar TheTexasMom says:

        Sadie – I’m the world’s worst typist, just glad you could decipher.  Must remember spell check is my friend.

        And if anyone is still reading this thread, in my youth I was always told I looked like a young Diannah Carroll with a smalller forehead. HA!

      • avatar Briana Baran says:

        Just a few, and they reflect reality.

      • avatar chuck alien says:

        “My paragraphs are actually quite brief, in the general scheme of things”

        … You know, compared to the collected works of William Shakespeare, or say, pi.

        Truly a model of rationality and restraint.

      • avatar TheTexasMom says:

        There you go making me laugh again……

      • avatar Briana Baran says:

        Texas Mom, “bard” is an actual word. Spell check won’t catch it. I understand though, as I am a two-finger, two-thumbs typist. And I’m out of practice.

        What high road? I’m always being accused of being a soulless, lying, brain-damaged nut-job on this site…no matter how much sense I’m talking, how intelligently I present it, or whether I actually can write in full sentences, using the right words for the meanings I desire to convey in my comments…so why bother? No, I don’t have hurt feelings, and it amuses me to lob soft shots under bridges at the warty, gnarly denizens below. Not you…but trolls do abound on this site.

      • avatar Briana Baran says:

        chuckles, why did I know you wouldn’t be able to resist sticking your pig-ignorant opinions in? Sigh. People like you and Sadie are why I avoid this site. Trolls.

      • avatar Sadie BB says:

        Briana-
        A definition for you

        Troll – someone who posts inflammatory, extraneous or off topic messages with the intent of provoking an emotional response

        Sorry – did the mirror of irony flash by too quickly for you to see your reflection?

      • avatar David Bolton says:

        Oh for God’ sake—girls, can’t we just all agree to hate MKE?

      • avatar Sadie BB says:

        David -

        Ok, I’ll bite.

        Who’s MIKEY and why should we hate him???

      • avatar Sadie BB says:

        Manic Keyboard Episode?

      • avatar David Bolton says:

        Sadie, do you not read the column regularly?

      • avatar Sadie BB says:

        David – reading is hit or miss depending on work schedule

        But my young cube mate informs me that MKE is a guy who not as hot as he imagines!! Still can’t figure out the initials tho.

  8. avatar chuck alien says:

    Letter 1 sure started as a “my daughter is a huge slut, but i have convinced myself that everyone acts that way because i don’t like the fact that my daughter is a huge slut.”

    (also a weird side-track on her problem with women shaving. just have to grind that axe whenever you can, huh mom?)

    but that second letter changes things, for sure. lol.

    Of course “Men don’t have any respect for me because i’m so hot” doesn’t seem very tied to reality either.

    LOTS of hot girls get asked out on dates. really, they do.

    Now, how about you figure why no one wants to date you? (ps. it’s not because you are really hot. seriously.)

    the women in that family must be a real hoot.

  9. avatar Lym BO says:

    Well, that was some interesting reading. I’m in my late 30s & in “my day” no one talked about whether one a virgin or not- at least not until well into the relationship (not talking rumor crap) It was irrelevant-or was I just naive? I dunno. All of this seems very strange. Humans are humans. Everyone wants to hook up, but morally each person has to decide a what point they give it up-and how highly they value sex. Some think of it as a fun thing, others a coveted, religious thing. Virgin whore (wtf?) needs to focus more on finding like minded guys. Her mother’s perception seems way out there to me. I do certainly wonder about whether daughter is creating this smoke screen due to lesbian tendencies. The daughter’s perception of herself seems a bit over-confidant, but her she may have merely included that for insight for the readers & it may be true. So if it is the truth then she will have to search for someone who is not shallow. I think one of the best things an older male friend told me was that men often look at the girl’s mother for a glimpse of her in 15 years. Loved that! Point is you’d better find a guy (or gal) who likes you for your personality. Looks are just a short-term bonus-and that goes both ways. Go to any class reunion.

  10. avatar sunny says:

    These were some interesting letters and responses.  I was struck by the daughter’s letter — it seems to suggest that she feels objectified because of the way she looks and is turned off by the attention she gets because most of the men she interacts with seem to be after only one thing.

    As a woman in her 30s, I want to say one thing — it is important to be true to who you are.  I absolutely salute the fact that you aren’t letting yourself feel pressured into having sex. That is wonderful and important. Every person has their own ideas and needs about sex and I don’ t want to judge another person’s decisions.  But for myself, I have felt that sex should happen in the context of a loving relationship. I think sex complicates everything and when you can’t talk about your emotions openly in a trusting and loving relationship, I think it can make a lot of people feel cheap and used.  We are not just physical beings, but emotional and spiritual beings as well and sex affects everything  ….so I think it is important to be smart about it.  You don’t have to apologize to anyone for how you feel or what you value.

    The fact that you don’t want to date is a separate issue and I wonder if something has happened to you that has turned you off to it (other than what you have written).  First of all, don’t stress out about it.  You are only 22.  The reason I ask is that when I was a freshman in college, I got stalked by a guy and it freaked me out in ways I didn’t understand and couldn’t verbalize at that age.  I an Indian and I just never really dated or talked about guys with my parents at that point, (which I wish I had and did later) – so I kept a lot of it to myself and it messed with my interest in dating in a big way.  I got asked out several times in college but each time I said no, because I was really scared.  Scared of myself and my ability to judge good character. It was easier for me to just put an end to dating and focus on work.  There are times when I regret that, because I got asked out by some really nice people and I wish I had taken a chance and not let my fear hold me back.  But the truth is, I wasn’t ready at that time and you know what? That is totally fine.  It took me several years but then I was ready to date again.

    I have hope and faith that love will come to each of us at the right time with the right person (or maybe it is all God or luck or whatever you would like to call that universal energy).  And in that situation, the other person does see who you are and loves and respects and admires you for it. Another secret?  In my 20s, I didn’t know what I was looking for, but they were superficial things that seem inconsequential to me now. In my 30s,  the questions and hopes have all changed in a big way.  For example, I never knew how important it is to me how I resolve conflict with someone.  I have seen that ruin many a good relationship, a lot of couples just don’t know how to ’fight’ with each other and that is huge in how a relationship/friendship evolves.  Lots of details like that I think change for a lot of people as you grow older and get more dating experience.  But when you are ready, just realize, there a lot of nice and decent people out there too and you are bound to run into them just like you are bound to run into the indecent types as well.  But as you date, you will figure out what you are looking for.  Realize that it is absolutely and completely ok to not  feel pressured to do anything you don’t want to.   We all come from such varied backgrounds and life experiences and you are bound to run into some kindred spirits at some point :) .   
     
     

  11. avatar Parzifal5 says:

    In my opinion, the daughter could eliminate some booty calls by simply not giving out her contact information. If she meets a guy who seems interested and asks for her phone number, she could tell him her phone is out of order, but tell him what her favorite bar, coffee shop, gym, or meeting spot is and see if he rises to the challenge. I think that a move like that might weed out quite a few guys that are looking for an easy hook-up, and I’m sure there are many more!