Dear Margo: Worries About a Set of Twins

Margo Howard’s advice

Worries About a Set of Twins

Dear Margo: I have a younger brother and sister who are twins, and I’m concerned about them. Several years ago, he had cancer and moved in with her while he was in treatment. He recovered and is doing great, but here’s the problem. He never moved out, and the two of them bought a house together, take trips together and go out together. It’s really creepy. I’ve been in their home, and they have separate bedrooms, but I think that’s just a ruse. Neither of them dates anymore, but with all of the available people out there, couldn’t they find someone? I’m worried they will be discovered, and it will hurt them and our whole family. Is there an answer to this? — Big Sis

Dear Big: What, exactly, is the question? You have decided this is an incestuous situation based on circumstantial evidence, as far as I can tell. It may be a love affair of the narcissistic, unhealthy kind, or it may be that they gave up looking for partners and decided they like doing things together. (And there are many who would disagree with your evaluation about “all of the available people out there.”)

Then, too, as the child of a twin, I can tell you there is a different, perhaps stronger bond than singletons. It is not usually sexual when siblings decide to live together. Because you are concerned, however, you might mention that from the outside it looks like a romance and you are concerned. Whether their response is defensive or they just laugh will give you a clue — though they might be legitimately offended. And really, it is their business. Should your worst fears be the reality, it is no reflection on your family. — Margo, carefully

When the Other Woman Is Online

Dear Margo: I recently discovered that my husband of three years has been cheating on me for the past two. Although it was online and I don’t believe there was personal contact, I was still crushed and ready to leave. When I told him that, he broke down like I’ve never seen before. He completely opened up and told me he’s depressed and hates himself and did this to try to make himself feel better — but it made him feel worse, and he couldn’t stop once he started. He said he couldn’t lose me. I knew he had struggled with depression, but I had no idea it was this bad. He showed me a note on his phone he’d written to himself a year ago that said, “I’m so depressed I want to kill myself.”

I insisted he see a therapist right away, which he did. After learning about what led up to this and how he felt, I decided to try to make our marriage work. Now, however, I’m trying to balance his depression with my heartbreak. We obviously need to see a marriage counselor, but it’s taking a while to set up because of my travel for work and his new job with long and unpredictable days.

We have been working on our relationship a lot, and sometimes I think I can get through this, but other times I just don’t know. I do love him, but I’m unsure how to move through this, or even if I should. — Crushed

Dear Crush: I think the combination of your love and his depression makes the case for forgiveness. There is clearly a wish on his side to make things work; to wit, his readily agreeing to therapy and marriage counseling. These online “relationships” have caused endless trouble, but his depression and self-hatred along with there being no physical cheating inclines me to encourage you to see whether time and treatment (his) allow you to move forward. Depression can be a murderous thing, but it is treatable. — Margo, hopefully

* * *

Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via the online form at www.creators.com/dear-margo.html. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.

COPYRIGHT 2012 MARGO HOWARD
DISTRIBUTED BY CREATORS.COM

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51 comments so far.

  1. avatar Kate Olsen says:

    OK – So people will hate me for this – but If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck and walks like a duck – it is probably a duck.  I belong to an erotic story website and you would not believe the number of stories of incest (Not my cup of tea and I do not read them even) I just see the numbers of them in the categories when I log on – and not all are true circumstances.  But there are a number of hints here.  They bought a house together, only go out together, take trips together, and neither dates anyone else.  That is enough hints for anyone.  But, Margo is correct – it is not your damn business.  They should just move away to save your family name and they could live in another community as husband and wife with no problem.  This is more common than you might think.  It is usually happening with cousins but it does happen with brothers and sisters, mothers and sons, fathers and daughters, etc. etc.  Do we have to like it – Hell No.  But there is no way to stop it.  We can accept it or resign ousrselves to losing those members of our family.  I pray it never happens to my family as I really do not know how I would react.  My prayers are with you and your family. 

    • avatar mayma says:

      Kate, I say this with love, I really do, but this is so far off that I can’t not comment.

      You’re reading erotic stories, but not the ones on incest, and you’ve decided that some of the ones on incest (that you’re not reading) must be true because of the hints!?!? Hint #1 in this letter being that they bought a house!?

      Seriously, man. Wow. There is no indication that they *aren’t* dating people. There is no indication that their set-up is permanent. There is no indication whatsoever that this LW is anything but bored and lonely and weird.

      As for quacking ducks, this situation is like saying, “Look, it has wings and two eyes, it must be a duck!” Yeah, or a pterodactyl, or an eagle, or an ostrich, or a penguin. Way, way, way, waaaaaay off. Really.

      :: shakes head ::

  2. avatar Kate Olsen says:

    LW2 – Here is the test – ask him to rid himself of the computer or give you all access to it, including passwords for all his accounts.  If there is any hesistation or hints that he is deleting his history on line, then you will know he is full of BS.  If he allows you unlimited access, then go for the counseling, if he does not, get a damn good attorney.

    • avatar bobkat says:

      On one hand I’m all for transparency, but on the other it seems suffocating and controlling to demand that the spouse give their partner all passwords to all accounts so that the partner can then go and check up on them. The way I see it, this man did not cheat. He and the other woman only emailed. They never actually met. Maybe he felt he could tell her things he couldn’t tell his wife. I also don’t think that his job with the long and unpredictable hours is good for him, especially in his fragile emotional state. Yes, jobs are hard to come by these days, but a job with steady hours and no more than eight hours a day, 40 hours a week would be better for him.

      • avatar wendykh says:

        But they forfeited that right when they began an affair. For now, he has to be accountable and show her. This should NOT last forever. But maybe needs to be for now until she can trust again.

        Honestly, I hate to say it but having seen a lot of cheaters in my life, the odds are far more likely than not that he DID meet this woman. And even if he did not, you wildly underestimate the damage a no touching affair can do. It is cheating when anyone is giving or taking something that should be reserved for between the couple only, including “things I can’t tell anyone else” and romantic energy, even if it’s just sitting on the computer dreaming of running off.

      • avatar R Scott says:

        Kate Olsen and wendykh – if he/they have to go through all that then this marriage is over. Forget therapy and counseling in terms of saving the marriage and just call it quits.

      • avatar toni says:

        Yep. On the money.

  3. avatar Katharine Gray says:

    LW#1:  I suppose I am naive but I would not immediately conclude that your twin siblings are having an incestous relationship…at least of the sexual kind.  Perhaps their mutual companionship is closing them off from finding significant others but maybe it works for them.   But I agree with Kate and Margo that it isn’t your business.  I don’t know anything about your community but my guess is most people are far less concerned with your family’s living arrangements than you think they are. 

    LW#2:  Kate’s suggestion about proposing unlimited access to his computer activities is a good one.   I can understand your feelings of betrayal but if he has ended the relationship and is committed to working on your marrriage…give it a chance.  Getting your own counseling may help you get over your anger as well as marriage counseling.   

  4. avatar Briana Baran says:

    Re: L#1: There are dozens of cases of same-sex twins who live together most of their lives, eschewing other partners in favor of each other’s company. Whether or not these relationships are sexual is often the first question on many people’s lips, but not mine. The same applies here. Frankly, if brother and sister never produce children, and do indeed have an intimate relationship that they keep from the rest of society, everyone else is right…it’s none of your business, including taking them to task over your family’s reputation. Something you may well be overly concerned about. It’s 2012, and if your siblings are decent people who don’t flaunt what you only suspect, then there are probably individuals in your family who have a lot more to answer for than they do as far as what the public thinks…including “dirty little secrets”.

    I know, playing that Devil’s Dirty Boogie again. In my book, snooping, rumor mongering, casting aspersions and the potential for gossip are a lot more repugnant than two people living contentedly together and not bothering a soul.

  5. avatar toni says:

    Lw1:butt out. You have absolutely no proof of anything. You are leaping to conclusions like a lemming straight off a cliff. I’m rather astonished at the replies thus far. Suspicious of two twins living together – but willing to believe hubby of lw2 hasn’t had physical contact w all else he was caught doing. Now HE is walking like a duck. Something about LW2 didn’t seem right… Too busy w work to see a shrink and save your marriage? Maybe she already knows what is up. And that note on his phone – sounded saved for when he might get caught.

    • avatar mayma says:

      Totally agree. Who writes a note to themselves on their phone about being depressed? And saves it for a year? That makes no sense whatsoever.

      And, in my opinion, LW1 is completely, unreservedly off her rocker. Wow.

  6. avatar Belinda Joy says:

    Letter #1 – It has long been a proven fact that most (not all) but most twins have a bond that to the average eye, is stronger than most people can ever understand. Based off of the letter as presented, it just sounds to me as if these twins are bonding and enjoying life together. Not that different than the many female twins we hear of that live together all their lives, never date, acquire cats and die together.

    If something sexual is taking place… that is disgusting for obvious reasons. In America, our society generally does not condone incestuous acts. So as the sibling of these twins, if it were me I would be concerned as well. A friend, neighbor or associate could (but shouldn’t) broach the subject, but as a sibling this letter writer has every right to ask them pointedly if there is more to there relationship and voice her opinion - if there is, how she feels about that.  If they are sexually involved they will probably ignore her opinion. And if they aren’t doing anything they may (rightly so) be offended which could cause a serious riff in their relationship. So if she chooses to confront them she needs to weight how important it is to her to know whether her suspicions are right and what the fall out could lead to. 

    Letter #2 -  Oh how life can teach us lessons.  If I had read this article two weeks ago my response would be so very different. Now……not so much.

    As I have said many times I  manage a divorce law firm. Last month I spoke on the phone with a guy that needed an attorney to handle his divorce (his wife filed on him – he didn’t want it) he came across as nervous and very unsure of the process. He came in, met with a lawyer and hired our law firm. Last week he was in to drop off his retainer check and take care of some paperwork issues. He had a faint scent of alcohol on his breath, but was a charming man that simply came across as “out of his element” no more than any other person we deal with.

    That was on Wednesday, we received a call on Friday morning he committed suicide Thursday night. He was depressed and left letters explaining how horrible he felt. I was overcome with emotion, partly because I had just spoken to him and bonded on my usual “Belinda Joy” level (made him laugh, feel at ease and more relaxed when he left than when he first walked in the door) so I was blind-sided.

    As I said what I would say to this letter writer now is not what I would have said before this client’s death. She needs to stay with him. If she loves him and truly believes him when he says he is depressed and acting out from a place of trying to fill a void – let her love and attention be that which he uses to fill that void.  The worst thing she could do is walk away from him now when he needs her the most. The key, which sounds like is the case, is that he receive therapy. There is a broad line between being a saint and a sap. There are people that use their emotional issues as a crutch, and use their issues their entire lives as a reason others should feel sorry for them and tip toe around their emotions. That I don’t condone.

    But if he is showing signs he wants to change…..is open to change….she should stand by his side. A normal, healthy mind NEVER utters the words I could kill myself.  That is a huge red flag. So because he has put that out there, it should not be dimissed and should be taken seriously. I would give all that I own to have known this sweet man that came into our office for a divorce he didn’t want, was depressed. I would have moved Heaven and Earth to save him.          

    • avatar butterfly55 says:

      In general, obviously not always, the ones who make the threats of suicide are not the ones who do the deed.  I agree she should not dismiss his statement but get him to a counselor then get out of there!  Just because he is depressed does not mean she must spend her life nursing a cheater.

      • avatar Lila says:

        Butterfly, true.

      • avatar Bridgett 5 says:

        By the way, I am not commenting about the particular relationship in the letter, only this statement: “In general, obviously not always, the ones who make the threats of suicide are not the ones who do the deed.” That is false.

      • avatar Lym BO says:

        Not true. He could be using as manipulation. Or not. Suppose he truly does feel suicidal & follows through. Classic signs is one reaching for help. Epic fails are when one asks & others blows them off & they do the deed. Classic and prevalent.
        I once told my spouse I contemplated suicide. I didn’t do it to manipulate him. I did it to help him understand how depressed I was. It was a cry for help. I only would not do it because I wouldn’t want to leave my young children without a mother.

    • avatar Carrie A says:

      I agree with butterfly. No one should have to suffer and stay in a bad situation just because the other party is unstable and might kill themselves (actually that’s more reason to leave because it’s very possible they will take you with them). It’s sad that he felt it was his only way out, but it is not his wife’s fault for deciding she’d had enough.

  7. avatar persey78 says:

    LW1-Being a twin is completely different the being siblings and as non twins we will never really understand that type of relationship. But House of Yes is a great movie if you want to see a great story with twin incest in it and you want to feel a little sorry for Tori Spelling

    LW2-Make therapy a priority no matter how you have to do it. Is your marriage important? Then both of you need to go singly and together. You need help with your feelings (completely justified in every way), he needs help with his depression and feeling of self worth, and as a couple you need to come together as a couple again. Schedule your own appointment first, and find the time.

  8. avatar Cindy Marek says:

    L #1: I think they’re simply just VERY close (platonically). As lonely and rejecting as this world is, I sometimes wish I did have a twin (aside from having a good husband) to be close to.

    L #2: He sounds genuinely remorseful. Depression is an illness. You are right to feel crushed/hurt by his online shenanigans. It’s a double-whammy of heartache. I can tell you without going into detail:  We’ve been through just as bad (in a different way) and came through it. Our marriage weathered the storm and we’re doing fine.

  9. avatar greenfuji13 says:

    I disagree with the everyone on the depressed husband. No matter how much love and attention she pours into him or their relationship she will be pouring it in to a deep black bottomless hole. The very nature of depression causes the depressed person to become self centered in that all they can think about and deal with is their own misery and unhappiness. They have very little or nothing positive, joyful, happy or loving to bring to a relationship.

    I spent 25 years living with a depressed husband, who used outside friendships, hobbies and eventually drinking to  attempt to fill the depressed void inside himself. Therapy, marriage counselling and medication helped, but did not ever completely solve his issues. I also dealt with the “what do you want me to do, KILL MYSELF?” issue and came to realize that this is just a method of manipulation and control to maintain the status quo. After almost two years of separation he still has not killed himself because I left him, still has not gone back to therapy, still has not quit drinking, still has not gone back on his medication, and is still dragging himself around day by day in a morass of misery.

    Unless he learns to love himself, he is not capable of returning her love of him, and he will merely drag her down with him. 

    And unless he takes 100% control and responsibility for his own mental and physical well being, and makes that a lifelong goal and process, nothing will improve with him, for her, or for their marriage. She can do everything she can to provide support and assistance, but he MUST be responsible for his own mental health, his own actions, his own words and his own behaviours.

    LW2, by all means give therapy and marriage counselling a chance. But set realistic goals and a realistic time line for what YOU are capable of dealing with emotionally and physically and STICK to them. I would also suggest that you get separate counselling for yourself to enable you to set these goals and stick to them, because therapy for some one with depression, which is afterall a mental illness, frequently revolves around the partner compromising on things to make life “better” or “easier” for the depressed spouse. You will also need emotional support during this process, because you will not get it from your partner. He can not deal with his own emotional issues, never mind provide support and understanding for what you are going through and how this is affecting you.

    And whatever you do at this point DO NOT add children in to the mix of your marriage, they do not make the situation better, make the depressed partner happier or give them something to look forward to, they just increase stress levels and responsibilities to be avoided. 

    I wish you luck on this journey and good health and emotional and physical strength if you decide to continue your marriage. You will need it. 

    • avatar lisakitty says:

      Wow, what a powerful post.  I hope you have gotten some help as well.

      All great points and I agree with you completely.  I hope the LW is reading here as well.

    • avatar martina says:

      I’m sorry but I think that your statement is too broad.  I am dealing with a bout of depression that  came to a head after my father’s death early this year.  With medication, counseling and my family’s support, I am in a much better place than I was.  My doctor asked me about a month ago if I was thriving and I had to honestly say that I was not but I do consider myself to be doing that now.  Even with my depression, I have helped my husband with his because he suffered not only through my father’s death but that of his friend’s, then his friend’s parents and then his beloved dog.  I think she needs to give it a chance if he is willing to truly put effort into dealing with. Depression is not easy to deal with and you need to be strong to not let it suck you down and use it as an excuse for behaving a certain way. If he does become like your husband then she needs to get out of the marriage.  I also think that she should enter counseling herself at least until they can get themselves to a marriage counselor.

    • avatar wow_reader says:

      I had to create an account just to response to this.

      I too am (still) married to a chronically depressed man. It is the worst mistake of my life. At his recent bout of deep depression, I did everything I can to support him and he decided to hook up with a HS classmate (which is married to his HS best friend) instead. He eventually confess to me that he loves 2 women, yadda yadda. We talked about what is missing in our marriage and decided to work at it and that he won’t talk to her again, and I promptly found that he was still contacting her and eventually slept with her on her business visit in town.

      The only reason I am not divorced is because we ALREADY have 3 kids together, and I am not going to lose every other weekend of my time with my kids to him. We don’t fight, but I can’t honest say I like him, let alone love.

      I cannot agree with you for your description of a depressed person. I’d advise everyone to never get involve with someone that is chronically depressed. I’d rather be alone FOREVER than be married if I get to choose again.

      • avatar toni says:

        You wouldn’t be losing every other weekend.

        You’d be getting a weekend free.

      • avatar Lym BO says:

        And possibly providing the children with a happier week and every other weekend. And teaching them we are control of our destiny & don’t have to live in misery. Teaching them to respect their spouse is important as well.

  10. avatar David Bolton says:

    LW1: Every aspect of this letter says “fake” to me. Even if it’s not—it wasn’t written by a “sister.”

    LW2: I read the first sentence: “I recently discovered that my husband of three years has been cheating on me for the past two” and realized there was math involved and stopped reading. So I’m just gonna guess here and say that if you’re nicer to them, they’ll be nicer to you. And you should take turns cleaning out the litter box.

    There. R.Scott, do you have anything to add?

    • avatar R Scott says:

      No. Nothing to add but I got to the word “math” and lost interest. I trust you though so, yeah, what you said.

  11. avatar Bookworm says:

    LW1- some people find a lot of comfort from good companionship and don’t miss the sexual part of a relationship. They may trust each other more than other people and enjoy spending their time together more. However even if their relationship is sexual, as long as they are adults and not having children and they are obviously keeping it to themselves, I don’t see the problem. If they are happy and they aren’t hurting anyone else than it should be fine.

  12. avatar Lila says:

    On the twins – maybe LW1 has been watching too much Game of Thrones.

    You know, we just can’t win in this society. Whole volumes could be written on this, but – here we have a brother and sister living together. Gasp! They… you don’t suppose… (titter) they might be “doing it”? Oh! I’m so scandalized!

    And yet, two women or two men living together are also not immune from that. I have personally seen cases where sisters or brothers – especially of middle age and older – will live together, and the general attitude is that maybe they are a little eccentric, but they are “spinsters” or “bachelors.” Yet, there are always some narrow-minded people who wink and hint at some kind of gay incest going on. I think that’s just because those individuals cannot accept that:

    a) some people are asexual, or at least, don’t feel the overwhelming need to boink like a crazed weasel with whatever’s available;
    b) some people just don’t fit the “norm” of marrying a person of the opposite sex and having 2.3 kids, but they still want some kind of security and the comfort of having a loving, trustworthy person in their lives. With parents gone, who better than a sibling?

    Why are we plagued with these automatic assumptions that anyone living together is screwing? This is the same sick attitude that makes nosy neighbors suspicious when a father bathes his toddler daughter, or little brothers and sisters go skinny-dipping or whatever. Families and friends are close – it doesn’t means they’re THAT close.

    • avatar martina says:

      We have a sister and brother in our church that live together and if I didn’t know they were sister and brother, I would have thought they were married.  Not that they are all lovey dovey just that they act like a couple.  They are elderly and have lived together for quite some time.  Do I think that something is going on – no, thought never crossed my mind.  The letter writer doesn’t say how old they are and maybe they just don’t want to put the effort into dating when they have the companionship they need.

    • avatar casino la fantastique says:

      LOL on the GoT comment. Five stars!

  13. avatar Chris Glass` says:

    Letter 1 – Why are people so quick to jump to conclusions? I have known several sibling couples who bought homes together and didn’t date others. Why? Because it made economic sense at the time and they didn’t have to come home to an empty house or apartment. It is not unusual for siblings to have shared interests or travel together. My siblings and I have had many shared trips to cut down on costs. We had the added advantage of agreeable companionship.

    • avatar Lym BO says:

      LW1
      My ex-bf lived with his sister after we broke up. I thought it was odd, but they are good friends. Never did I imagine it was sexual. This sister is off her rocker.
      I have10 year old b/g twins & my grandma was a b/g twin. Like most siblings, any thought of a romantic relationship is outlandish to me & them. IF it is true, which I doubt then who cares. Hopefully, they can keep it under wraps to avoid judgment by you & everyone else.

  14. avatar JCF4612 says:

    LW1: Dear Big Sis — Butt out. 

       

  15. avatar Pinky35 says:

    LW1, If you feel that your sibling behaviors are that odd, you can gently ask them how things are going with them and find out why they have chosen to live together and hang out all the time with each other. Maybe it’s just because they are tired of all the typical dating crap and just want to hang with someone they know and love. It doesn’t have to be a sexual thing. But, they are family, so they love each other. It could be far less insidious than you think. If it was two sisters living together and hanging out all the time, you wouldn’t assume they were having a lesbian relationship, would you? I do think you are jumping the gun here. Unless you’ve caught them in bed together or saw them kissing like lovers, I don’t think they are doing anything wrong. Maybe the truth is that you feel left out and don’t quite understand their connection with each other.

    LW2, Definitely arrange for marriage counseling. You both need a third party to facilitate talk about how you feel about forgiving him and to understand exactly what he is going through. He should still continue therapy for himself to work through his depression. There is medication he can take if his depression is severe. But, I would say to give it another shot. If you find he hasn’t really stopped his behavior on the internet and counseling doesn’t work, then you will have done all you could and you can walk away knowing that it wasn’t you. It’s all about him.

  16. avatar Carrie A says:

    Letter #2: I went through a bout of depression a few years ago after being diagnosed with type 1 diabetes and dealing with nasty in-laws. There were times when I was so low I did want to kill myself, but you know what I didn’t do? Cheat on my husband. Being so filled with self-loathing at the time I really can’t imagine how you can feel like that and then go start an affair. Seems like a contradiction to me. And now this guy is trying to use that as an excuse for his behavior? Please. He started affairs because he has no qualms about cheating. And I think she’s a bit naive to believe that in two years of cheating it was never physical.

    I think sometimes cheaters can change, but only if they are willing to own up to the wrong they did and the hurt they caused. This guy blames everything but himself for his actions and uses an old text to manipulate her to stay. Not good signs and I hope she keeps her eyes open because if he did it just a year into the marriage and doesn’t show true remorse for his actions it’s a pretty safe bet he’s going to do it again.

  17. avatar R Scott says:

    LW1 – Sometimes companions are just companions.  Don’t lose sleep over it.

    • avatar JCF4612 says:

      Agreed, absolutely. Moreover, assuming the unlikelihood that the twins are privately making whoopee thrice a day, whose biz is it?  

  18. avatar Purple Hartz says:

    Maybe LW1 is jealous of the bond the twin siblings share. That’s why they are writing to Margo.

  19. avatar luna midden says:

    My MIL was an identical twin and did almost EVERYTHING with her twin… They both did get married… having been from the dating era of the 50s, had kids… then completely ignored their husbands and went back to doing almost everything with each other. 

    I also grew up with idendical twins-one did get engaged, but, the marriage never happened-don’t know why.. but although, it has been a long time since HS and we are no longer close or friends… I do have a good idea why… By the time they were in their late 20s-they bought a house together and traveled, worked, etc. together. and now, in their 50s, still live together, never got married, no kids, etc. 

    I am sure this has happened with male identical twins and male and female faternal twins-so-WHY NOT FATERNAL MALE/FEMALE TWINS????  and as for the comment -’all those available people out there’… WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME OLDER SIS WAS IN THE DATING POOL (or Swamp??) I am going to guess- a long time-time-and she doesn’t have single friends or NOTICE all the MATCH.COM and the HUNDREDS OF OTHER DATING SITES!!! If connecting up were so easy-these companies would not be ALL OVER THE TV!

    Also-all though we don’t know them… or her- the LW- how much does her siblingS TELL HER??? She obviously can’t strike up a conversation with either of them-not even her SISTER!  so who knows if either share just day to day crap! Maybe they are not in the dating pool anymore, but that certainly does not mean they are DOING EACH OTHER!!! They might just be fustrated, like so many other singles, and just have given up with the whole GAME OF DATING.

    And for traveling together???????? GREAT!!! I wish, even though I am married, that I had SOMEONE to do things with!!! My husband HATES the stuff I do! How many SINGLE PEOPLE WOULD LOVE TO HAVE A FRIEND-A FRIEND WHO DID NOT JUDGE YOU, that you were not embarrassed in front of, that you could trust-NO MATTER WHAT!!! I would LOVE IT!!!!!            

  20. avatar CMc says:

    As someone who is currently dating a twin, the description of the relationship in LW could almost perfectly describe the relationship of my bf and his brother (except for the not dating anyone else part obviously). The twin bond is one thing. Then add in that one of the twins got cancer and the other twin probably thought the other could die? It’s no wonder they are attached at the hip!

    Regarding the dating issue, I can personally vouch that dating a twin is not always a walk in the park. At times it can feel like a competition or like you are on one side of a glass wall with the twins on the other. You can see and hear everything but you can’t break through. For me, we were able to overcome all that. But could it be a possibility that they just haven’t had the most positive experiences dating and as a result choose to just hang out with each other?  

    Until you catch the two in a lover’s embrace, I would spend more time celebrating the fact that your sibling overcame cancer and stop worrying so much about reputation.

  21. LW#1 I realize this is hard for some to believe, and some find it disgusting, but there ARE siblings, including twins, who have had ongoing wholistic relationships, including sex. Some have lived as spouses. It is still illegal in most US states (not all), but there are countries where it is legal. Half siblings can even marry under certain circumstances in Sweden. Many more siblings simply experience youthful experimentation together. It is common enough that you know someone who has had a relationship like that, whether you know it or not. Regardless of anyone else’s disgust, I do support the right of an adult to share love, sex, residence, and marriage with ANY consenting adults. I have heard all the standard objections to consanguinamory (what the twins in the first letter might have together) and they fail. Many people in these relationships choose not to have children, but the fact is, most children born to close relatives are healthy. I know of some. You probably do too and just don’t know their true biological origin. We don’t prevent people with Huntington’s Disease or other serious inherited diseases from having kids. But we have separated sex from reproduction anyway. Go ahead and keep being disgusted. Your feelings are your feelings… but THEIR FEELINGS ARE THEIRS, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

    • avatar Briana Baran says:

      Brilliant, thoughtful, and thoroughly well-researched, empirically correct comment. Instead of a knee-jerk, o, the horror, socially anachronistic, dogmatically biased reaction, you posted rationally.

      Thank you for your input.

  22. avatar wishuponafallingstar says:

    LW#1. You have a SICK mind. Some people are not as sexual as you are; they just need companionship, not necessarily of the carnal kind. Some people are happy being single as long as they are emotionally fulfilled in other ways. I can see how someone would be happy just living with his/her siblings as opposed to with a significant other. Stop doubting them and just be happy that they are happy with their lives.

  23. avatar Hellster says:

    LW #1: As we say in New York, “What is it your business?”

    LW #2: You and your husband are both suffering and need outside help. The good news is that it is available. Don’t let shame over the sexual nature of his actions deter you. A good resource is Claudia Black’s latest book, “Intimate Treason.” Good luck to both of you. There is a solution.

  24. avatar mjd4 says:

    I haven’t dated in several years, and I am not asexual. Maybe I am too picky, maybe I have had bad luck. But I am not the only one. Geez, not everyone dates. whether they are celibate or having discreet one-night-stands. But not everyone dates, regardless of their living arrangements.

    I don’t know if the twins are having sex with each other or not. For all I know, maybe they are. But I don’t think that not dating is proof either way. (And I don’t think it si anyone else’s business.)