I am feeling so overwhelmed right now in my life. Juggling a millions projects at once. I can usually handle multi-tasking, but for some reason I’m feeling overwhelmed. This morning I had a HUGE fight with the senior attorney in our office over something he really didn’t have to address me about, and I blew up.

If I could have stepped outside my body and coached myself, I would have said "you know he’s wrong Bee, I know he’s wrong, now use your communication skills so he can see he’s wrong" But I didn’t, and instead I am sure I came across as the stereotype of what most men think women are like under pressure, overly emotional.

I love the wOw site because of threads such as this one. It is comforting to me to know that I am not alone in dealing with multiple stresses and the constant nagging questions of self doubt. Am I doing the right thing? Should I do this or that? I may not visit the site as much as I use too (I got way to addicted to the political debates…too draining) but when I do visit, the topics and discussions are always exactly what I need when I need them. Like this one. Thanks ladies!

Last night thinking about what I do, and a true communication void being created, I took a step to create a missing link with a group on Facebook connected to my site,and my writing.

The group is open to the public, just search for My Spiritual Windows on facebook groups. Thank you for WOW in helping to step a bit further outside the box.

 

I guess I am at a point in life where everything I planned and worked for just blew up in my face. Could it have been avoided? Maybe, however, it doesn’t matter now. I used to feel blessed and invincible because I always treated people the way I wanted to be treated so when life’s adversities started to pop in my face faster than bubbles from a newly open bottle of champagne, I simply stop reacting. I’m watching all I accomplished up to now fall apart. Friends keep reminding me it’s just a phase, but hey, it is a very long phase and I’m not sure my life can outrun this phase. Okay, enough venting for now, it is just that,  venting brought on by this great site newly discovered. Ciao

I recently rewatched "You’ve Got Mail," the ultimate chick flick (I like that term), but it seems so antiquated, even though it was 1998, only 11 years ago.  A decade flew by in a flash and so much is different.

The movie was about the earnest beginnings of email usage and how people were new to the Internet, the very idea of speaking to total strangers!  Quaint in such a short time span.

It is no wonder so many women our age are finding themselves out of work and at a loss of what to do.  Where did our passions go?  Like the character in the movie, my passion, for ages it seemed, was to own and run a bookstore.  I came close once, in the 80s.  What a quaint idea now, in the age of superstores and online bargains.  

For the first time in my life I am drawing a blank.  I don’t know what I’ll do.  I have taken stock of my skills, rewritten my resumes and cover letters for a million different jobs I don’t even want.  I have done everything a person is supposed to do, including saving and living extremely frugally.  My sibs are totally undependable, so keeping in touch with friends helps. 

But yet, when I am honest with myself, I draw a blank.  That blank is the loneliest place to be.

Now that I’m at a crossroads, I’m just not sure how to move forward. At 46, I am looking back at my life thus far and I recognize a life lived more reactionary than proactive. I get too bogged down in the details. 

Everyone is reinventing themselves these days, but my lifelong roadblock is still there – fear.  Fear of what?  Your guess is as good as mine.  Failure?  Inferiority?  Not living up to others expectations? 

I know I have a lot going for me, but I keep finding myself looking at what I don’t have.  I’ve recently moved to a new area and economy aside, this is an ideal time to reinvent, I recognize that, but it’s like I don’t know which way to step for fear of stepping the wrong direction, or worse, stepping off the curb. After all these years, am I still responsible to make “more” of myself to make my parents proud or can they (and can I) understand that a more artistic (and less prominent and lucrative) job is just as successful if I am happy?  Yeah, yeah, I know in theory I should follow my bliss, but in practice, that’s a tough one when you feel you should be pulling down a larger paycheck to pay the bills – build that emergency fund, etc. (that’s me talking – not my husband who tells me all the time to do what makes me happy).

And while I’m on the subject, what if I follow my bliss and find that I’m only mediocre… In the business world, I can get a job and work hard, and a paycheck comes on a regular basis.  In the creative world, I can work hard, but if I don’t stand out, the money doesn’t follow! See – I truly think too much… this is what I mean about getting bogged down in the details. If I did this on the job like I do it in my personal life, I’d have never gotten anything done!

I keep reading about all of these incredible women - so busy and talented, juggling career, family, friends… and yet I feel so inadequate - like Salieri to a world of Mozarts!  If this is a mid-life crisis, I’d wish it would pass already! 

So many of the comments above have inspired me though.  I do know that no one can change my life except me.  A lot of people out there are running their own businesses and working in careers they chose and love and frankly, I know I’m as smart as at least some of them.  I suppose it’s time to stop whining and start doing… Hmmm… back to that again… Do what?   :-)

I did have to laugh though.  I was visiting my family in another state recently and I had to give my nephew a bit of an aunt to nephew lecture.  I told my sister (his mother) later that he listened, but he probably just rolled his eyes later.  She told me that actually he came to her and told her "you know, she’s pretty smart, isn’t she?" To which my sister replied, "she sure is, she has to be to have gotten where she is today."  When we hung up, all I could do was wonder… "and just where is that?"  :-)

I hear you hoping ladies and I hear you helping but right now as reality sets in, I just don’t know if I’ve got that kind of faith anymore.  Thanks for the article:)

Just a little ray of hope……..our entire lives are just a phase.

You ow what she said is true,for I am 59 yrs old woman’ losing hair, teeth,memory., but hanging on. It’s true once you give into this thing called aging. It’s all over. But I still believe I have to give. I just don’ know how to get started in renewing my life to others…keep the good work gong..