Dear Margo | 06/18/2009 11:00 pm
Dear Margo: Nice Touch: 'But, Honey, All These Women Look Like You!'
Her husband is wonderful – but has an addiction to porn with an interesting excuse. Margo Howard’s bright advice …
Nice Touch: "But, Honey, All These Women Look Like You!"
Dear Margo: My husband and I met online in 2001, moved in together in ‘03 and married in 2006. He’s wonderful in almost every way, but we’ve had some huge problems due to his need for sexual attention. Right after I moved in, I found he had a lot of porn, plus dozens of girls and women (ranging from teens to 30s) on his contact lists for IM. There were photos of some of them nude and clothed. I thought all this was over in 2005, but he was still getting calls from women and going into the bedroom to talk privately. (And also talking to his ex and trying to get her to have phone sex. She told me and he admitted it.) For the past year, he has been watching porn every morning on a particular site, where he has several favorite women. (Then he tries to delete the history.) When I found out, he said he liked them because they looked like me (they looked nothing like me), and that he only went there because I’m usually too tired for sex due to caring for our 6-month-old son. I am tired, but we still have great sex two to three times a week. He’s been extremely devoted since I got pregnant, aside from the everyday porn, but since he tries to hide that, I wonder what else he may be hiding. I really want to keep our new family together if possible. — Waiting for the Other Shoe To Drop
Dear Wait: Your husband’s concentration on sex has probably crossed over into addiction. I am not one of those who believes that as long as a married man isn’t physically getting it on with some babe he is being true to the marriage. I suggest you get guidance and information from a group meant for the family and friends of sexaholics — the people affected by the sexual attitudes and behavior of another person. S-Anon’s web address is www.sanon.org. Good luck. — Margo, explorationally
Knock, Knock. It’s the Nutty Neighbor
Dear Margo: My mother and I are in a situation. We have a neighbor (with whom we are not close) who walks into our house whenever she feels like it. We have tried to be compassionate and understand that she doesn’t have many diversions in life, but all the woman does is complain about everything. And I mean everything. We have tried telling her that we are busy and cannot talk. Then she says nasty things about us, and that no one in this world has time for her, etc. We lock the doors, but she will stand outside to see whether we will come out, or call dozens of times to "catch us" at home. We know that she lives with people, but I guess they don’t interest her anymore. We know her health is sound — we know all about her health — and that she isn’t mentally ill or anything. What more can we do to tell this lady to stay out of our house? We cannot tolerate her forced companionship anymore. — Under House Arrest in Kansas
Dear Un: This woman may not be mentally ill, but she sure is dense. (And I’m not so sure it’s not a personality disorder to completely ignore boundaries and the fact that people seem to be hiding from you.) I have talked about this before: No one should feel like a prisoner in his or her own home. Because you say she has already said awful things about you when the welcome wagon doesn’t seem to be operating, I can’t see what you’ve got to lose by laying it on the line. Simply tell her that your time at home is your sanctuary from work and other obligations, and her "visits" are not the way you choose to spend your spare time. Keep your doors locked and just ignore her if she continues to lurk around. — Margo, definitively
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Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered. To read more about Margo Howard, click here.
COPYRIGHT 2009 MARGO HOWARD
DISTRIBUTED BY CREATORS SYNDICATE, INC.
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Dear Margo: When Dad/Gramps Just Ain't Interested
82 Reader Comments (so far…) Sign In or Register to comment
Ltr #1:
Oh Gawd! When are people going to understand that this is an addiction? Do not enable, do not excuse; just pack his bags and take him to the nearest rehab. Now. Then get yourself therapy to discover why you connect with addicts.
Ltr #2:
Lock the doors and let her feel free to stand on the porch stoop forever. If you have to leave, just hurry out and tell her you have no time for visits. Don’t make up any other excuses. If she talks about you to others, so what? Everyone in the neighborhood is probably on to her. Why should you care? [PS I’ve got a neighbor just like this. It took about 3 days for her to get the message.]Ltr. #2:
I had a run-in with a similar person who seemed normal, but I theorized personality disorder as well due to the extreme reactions to rejection or a negative answer. Her behavior is repetitive by all means, because she continues to go into random people’s houses and do this for fun. But the reaction to the boundary, a polite no, is concerning. You should go to her house and take random items for every time she comes to your house. Place them all over your house and deny that they belong to her if she asks. Especially pictures of her with her children and close relatives. Whatever she says, these do not belong to her. They are now yours. After awhile, she will just not come over, because she will understand that you might come over in return and take her stuff. Be very polite or she might call the police.
Gretchen,
More often than not these people are just lonely. If there is a mental disorder, it would be ill-advised to reciprocate her behavior.
Ltr #2:
Under NO circumstances should you enter the other woman’s house and take her things. It is known as trespassing and theft, both prosecutable offenses. And then if you should ever have to call the police about your crazy neighbor, you have no leg to stand on….after all, you steal from her and trespass into her house, don’t you?
Margo, I am surprised at you and all the people who advocate ‘just ignore her’. This woman is at least mildly mentally ill, showing obsessive behavior and an inability to obey boundaries. The police are the ones who need to be called, and a report made. This woman’s behavior meets the description of stalking. Keep a record of all incidents with dates and times.
Ltr#1:
Your husband needs therapy! If you desire to remain in the marriage perhaps you can attend some of the organizations mentioned in some of the posts. If this does not work run for your life! … Your husband is not only an addict he’s a liar and adulterer as well! … Therapy might also help you in the self-esteem department.
Lrt#2
You and your daughter are obviously intimidated by this woman. I cannot believe you are allowing this woman to trepass on your property by entering your home uninvited, infringe on your time, and harass you with unwanted telephone calls! … Drop the compassion and stop being so understanding! … This woman gossips about you and you still tolerate this bs. She oversteps her boudaries because you permit it. Develope a spine!
It’s obvious you and your daughter are two nice ladies.
Someone’s probably already mentioned this about the second letter, but why would anyone just let an unpleasant neighbor come in the house anytime she wanted or stand around staring in the windows or harrass them over the phone? Tresspassing and harrassment is illegal. Call the police. Wait and do it during one of those times when she’s standing outside your door trying to get in and giving you the stink-eye through the window. Don’t tell her you’re going to do it, just do it. You can call the police non-emergency number and tell them what’s up, and even though it’s not an emergency, they’ll still respond in a timely fashion. Then, once they’ve had a talk with the neighbor and explained that she can’t do that, you should keep an eye out to see if she stays off your property. If she sets one foot on it, get a restraining order, and if she violates it once, turn her in for it.
I don’t like people who are borderline insane and feel the need to force themselves into my life when I don’t want them. I’d react to the situation in this letter with police calls. It’s nice that you two want to be nice people, but there is a time for nice and a time for clear, firm rejection. With police intervention, if necessary.
I’ve long been wondering why there’s a problem when they like porn if they’re completely faithful with you. Maybe they just have more sexual drive to satisfy in another way.
I know I’m going to get crucified for saying this…but I believe some faithful men just need another outlet for their sexual drive.
I was married to a man like that once. Our marriage ended for so many other reasons. But does a man’s sexual drive being so much stronger mean he’s addicted or just has a stronger sexual drive and needs another outlet? Frankly, I thought five times a week was enough and he wanted more. This was before the internet. He was very faithful. I know becase he never left the house once he came home from work!
Another quandry in the many quandry of our lives…
i have to agree with you about porn. i had that problem with my last husband also. but not the same way. i was all for the porn and sharing it with him so it became something we both could look at together and then i wouldn’t feel like he was cheating on me with pics of other women or vids. but he acted like he was embarrassed to watch them with me. what i think is he was embarrassed to let me know that he might need that turn on b/c of his alcoholism and because he was turned off by my weight. but otherwise if it’s incorporated in the relationship it should be fine.
but in LW#1’s case i think he is trying to surplant the porn for sex they are supposed to be having. i never had a problem with phone sex either. i almost got a job doing it (i have a particularily nice voice, or i did anyway) and one of my ex bf’s knew this. so i could never understand why he felt he needed to call 900 numbers and talk to others when i could do it just fine. his excuse also was "i talk to them about you!" i said well, for $3.99 a minute call me and i’ll talk sexy to you and we will cut out the middle man. the first time he paid me back every cent (the phone was in my name) and he stopped for a couple of years. the second time he paid me back but i threw him out of the house b/c i was sick of that shit. so it just depends on how they are going about using the porn. if it’s a penthouse or penthouse.com once in a while or sharing it often. but it shouldn’t take over a guys life. also the fact that he still tries to get his ex wife and other girls involved on the phone is definitely something i wouldn’t deal with at all. to me even mild flirting is rude and i feel unfaithful. so that would certainly be crossing the line and rubbing it out!!!
I have to admit, while it may have excited me a bit in the beginning, it ended up turning me off. Now I can barely watch an R movie.
He needed to find someone else with his kind of "sex drive" or "addiction." I’m still not sure if it should be called an addiction. I think some guys are just born with more of something and they need to find some woman who can fulfill it for them if she exists. It wasn’t us, was it…?