Ltr #1: My response to FR:  It took you 26 years to get up the courage to tell him the sex was lacking? Shame on you! If I were a man I wouldn’t want sex with you either!

Ltr #2:  Deal with it. My mother was chronically late and I learned to multiply everything by 3. If she said she’d be ready in 20 minutes, I was ready in 60 minutes. Of course many people who are chronically late do it as a means of covertly exhibiting power. Same as those annoying people who whisper so softly that you have to get in their faces to  hear them.

Dear F.R.,

Can you go to counseling?  I know that suggestion may be easier said than done for many.  With or without your mate you could benefit greatly by seeking out a good therapist to help you to sort this all out allowing you to transit down a better and more clear pathway to satisfaction.  You need clarity about yourself as well as your mate.  Your son, your/his extended family etc. - don’t confuse these with aspects of the core relationship between you and your mate. It would be unfair to burden your son or family with shouldering the responsibility for you deciding to stay in this relationship (or not) because you reason that this is what they’d prefer.

You’re not having sex and your relationship is in the tank - is he avoiding or punishing you?  Though you wanted to improve things maybe your delivery sucks and you hurt, confused or infuriated him.  Shutting you out is passive agressive and you have every right to be upset, confused and frustrated by his behavior.  If he won’t talk so be it - you can’t force him to discuss this.  You move ahead, you sort yourself out.  He’ll see you growing and the ball will be in his court.  Good luck.

Right on Margo!

Letter number two: he is 11, not a baby.  11 is old enough to start learning how to handle being alone for a little while, he can wait for an hour by himself for his father.  By stepping out of the picture you accomplish 2 things.  You do not let your son be involved and feel torn.  And, if your ex is being passive aggressive, you take that away as well.  You gain a more responsible son and lose the irritation. 

Dear Aggravated,

I feel for you.  The advice to just adapt and put up with it because some people are always late is lacking in my opinion.  I think that your ex is either taking advantage or may even be punishing you through being late.  Please be careful and clever so that your son won’t have to deal with this problem that is between you and your ex.  Surely you can beat your ex at this game!  You might consider padding your schedule or even clearing it for a few weeks until you’ve got the ex to understand that you won’t dance to his tune.  You might do that by taking your son along with you as you proceed with your plans so that your ex has to go out of HIS way and find you or wait for you when he screws with the schedule.  Just make sure that your son feels included and not as if the extra time together is a burden for you.  Be smart and you might just have fun making the PITA scramble.

Oh heavens, I can relate to both situations.  My STBXH was addicted to porn, and, as it turns out, is bi-polar.  He blamed me for our lack of mutual sex.  In fact, when I lost the baby weight, and was really fit, he lost even more interest in me. (He became tremendously fat as a way of making sex impossible.  He told me he *liked* his new weight. Ahem!  It made penetration impractical.) 

We did years of marriage counselling to no avail.  But, I learned a lot, and have hopes for a new relationship given a bit more time to heal.

Now that the kids are of an age to choose a custodial parent, we are divorcing, and I’m more and more realising the accomodations I made to keep things on an even keel until it was safe for the kids for us to divorce.

(He did things like taking out the back seat of his van, but still agreeing to drive additional kids places.  When he had more kids than seats, he’d have our children sit in the back, seat and seat-belt free!  I didn’t find out for 6 months, because the back windows were very dark, and the kids never said.  He said "he had weighed the odds and thought it was safe to have the kids sitting on milk crates in the back.")

I find Andrea Brandon’s post really harsh, because once you are settled into a relationship, it becomes much harder to say "Wait!  This is ridiculous!"  Also, punctuality is the courtesy of kings.

STBXH has been chronically late in everything as long as I’ve known him. It’s easy to deal with your own needs, but when you add in the kids needs, things change drastically.

While we were married, I was perfectly happy to drive separately, since timeliness mattered to me.  Now, if he’s supposed to arrive at 3 p.m., and he hasn’t, the girls and I will head out confidently to do something, cell-phone in purse, and come back 3 hours later.  He’ll have just arrived.  

Sometimes he neither shows up or calls until the next day.  As long as it doesn’t involve the kids safety, I’m okay with that.

I do understand that his lateness is part of his mental illness, but his mental illness also has persuaded him that his time is more important than anyone else’s.  It is a major issue for him if he arrives 5 minutes early.  As a result, he’s usually 45 minutes late- and that’s early.

It’s more frightening with the kids taking the train to San Francisco to see him.  He’s been late, many times, and bus-stations aren’t the most savory of places to be.

I anticipate him not having any visitation, but that’s up to the kids, and the court.  All I can do for now is send the girls with cell-phones,  money, and the phone numbers of dear friends who will pick them up if necessary.

Personally, I do my best to be 5 minutes early everywhere I go.  I’m perfectly happy to sit in my car and read for 5 minutes.

According to some friend of mine, if chronic lateness is a problem, you can arrange the drop off/ pick up at the local police station.  Usually the problem parent gets a grip.  And when they don’t, it’s documented!

Cheers,

Constance in the Sierra Foothills