In response to the second letter: As a believer in God and a mother, I can relate to the shock a mother would feel if the child I raised told me that she is rejecting the faith she was brought up to believe. But children grow up into adults with decisions they must make concerning their own life and especially how to exercise their free will regarding their spirituality. This, especially, is a personal decision between themselves and God and not one that any parent can make for them. Therefore, this mother should not feel like a failure if her child has decided to pursue a different path other than her own. 

#1- I think childhood itself terrifies the step-mom. Could be she is having a problem relating or getting close to what could be a joyful child, because of her own issues in how she might have to interact and play with a child. All children have a melting point where they let down the defenses, and appreciate goodness, but like you said they are intuitive and many times three steps ahead on the empath scale.

#2 - My siblings spent almost five years distancing themselves from who I am in regard to my spiritual beliefs opposed to thier religous orders they have chosen, but as in anything else there is still love, and at some point that love finds acceptance again. In families, weak points and stength seem to make the same weave through the members, since all shared the formative years with the same parents or role models. In mine I thick strain of Irish/Indian temperment kept us all from bending for awhile, but we found common ground to come together again and realize that strength and love can walk hand in hand, as can different preferences in our path of belief. Her mom will find that common ground, I did with mine six weeks before she died. 

Letter #1:   Counseling is a very good choice.  Otherwise you are doomed.  Not the kid’s fault, not your fault:  The husband *does* have unrealistic expectations.  The mother of the child is very bitter, and is doing great harm to the child.  Eventually, it will harm her relationship with the child- but that is years in the future.

Be pleasant and civil to the child.  Don’t pretend to any relationship, as it will be rejected. Ask, in counseling, for your husband’s support for civil and pleasant interaction in return.  The child owes you common courtesy if you are courtesy.    The child may warm up- she may not.  Time will tell.   If, after counseling, the husband tells you that his deteriorating relationship with his child is your fault- I’d leave him.

#2-

I am a practicing Christian.  So are my daughters.  I encourage them to question their faith, as I think that God is big enough that they won’t be disappointed.  I also tell them that I think most religion has been organized by committee, so that if they have their own particular versions of God, all the better.   I can’t imagine being disappointed by them, whatever their final decision shall be.  If they’ve actively thought about things and made conscious decisions- who am I to question their choices?

Constance in the Sierra Foothills

Eek!

For #1:  the child owes you courtesy if you are *courteous*.  So much for previewing!

wake up all - the  poor kid is being fed negative crap from the biological Mom - and whom is she going to believe?  Step mom needs to just chill out, be herself and in the end the kid will realize as she grows up where the bear s—ts in the buckwheat.  As long as step mom is honest and never lies to the kid she will learn soon enough who to trust and what to believe.

#1: As a stepmother, I found myself struggling to work with my stepson, who declared that I was not his mother, and so I couldn’t tell him what to do.  So, I decided to just be respectful to him, and to the memory of his mother, and just hoped my example would eventually break through to him. It took a couple of years, but once he saw I was consistent and fair, and that I could not be intimidated by him, we made friends, and still get along well today even though his dad and I eventually divorced.

#2: My uncle is an ardent Catholic, and an adherent to the particularly fire and brimstone variety practiced by the Our Lady of Fatima sect.   I left the Catholic church over 30 years ago and broadened my spiritual pursuits, exploring other ways to know God and integrate spirituality into my daily life.  I will never convince him otherwise, but he is certain that I’m going to burn in Hell because I’m not "doing it right."  I have forgiven him, but it’s hard to attend family functions when he insists on condemning my eternal soul to damnation because his is the "only way."  Ah well.  You gotta love ‘em.