Another thing on LW1, I think the child’s biological parents should be in counseling with the child. This is more and more common I think in divorces, because people are realizing that the parents still have to co-parent even if they are divorced. It also reminds them that their kids deserve to be their united focus.

LW 1:  I agree with those who stress HONESTY in your relationship with your stepdaughter.  Your husband should require his daughter to at least be civil, and not tolerate the cold stares, etc., but he also should not thrust you two together when you are clearly not comfortable with each other.  

Here’s what I would tell the kid - something like: "I know you would rather I weren’t around, but I love your Dad very much, and I’m not going anywhere.  You don’t have to like me, that’s fine.  But I think it would mean a lot to your Dad if we could at least be polite to each other."  

#1 you need to tell your husband to man up and speak with his daughter she needs to know there are two sides to every story without putting down her mom and she also neesds to be told she does not have love or even like you but she does have to show respect.

#2 you sound like a good daughter start talking to your mom now about your feelings she needs to know agnostic people are good also my daughter and i are. good luck !

I liked Margo’s advide to LW #1. I’m younger and not in the same situation, but I feel similarly uncomfortable around kids…I think it’s because I know how intuitive they are, and it makes me nervous. I never know what to say without appearing either too condescending or too far off their level. It must be really difficult to deal with an angry eight-year-old when you don’t know how to deal with a typical eight-year-old in the first place, not to mention the poor kid’s dealing with divorce. It sounds like time will solve the problem.

I don’t understand why everyone assumes this 8 year old’s child feelings are because of her bitter mother.  The step mom says she’s a nice person but if the mother’s "bitter" because this woman broke up the marriage, I have to wonder if she was a mistress?  Not such a nice person then.  I have a 8 year old son and he’s very perceptive.  I’ve never said a word about his step mom but he’s starting to figured out that daddy and her were dating while we were still married.  It’s not too hard when they start learning about what dating is.  But when you’re 8 you can’t exactly rationalize your feelings.  And because her husband is getting angry, perhaps step-mom should consider how great a catch he really is.

I have a friend who’s daughter of 22 recently went through a similar circumstance with her grandmother when her grandmother found out she wanted to go to a Christian Church instead of Catholic.  Grandma raised the roof, even though Mom was okay with it.  Her Catholic Grandma accused her of turning her back on the Catholic Church.  This daughter talks to me alot, we are close.  I suggested she explain to her Grandma that she not turning her back on God and that she enjoyed the Christian Church she was attending.  As long as we worship God, which is what Church is for, one church should not be jealous of another.

#1. I wonder why the child believes that you are a "lying, thieving, money-hungry tramp who finds no greater joy than that which comes from destroying another couple’s loving, stable marriage." Sounds like the first marriage did not end when your relationship began. Yes it is painful for a child to experience the divide. And a child should and most likely will defend the parent who did not create this great diversion. The only thing to do is give it time. The child has a mother and it is not you; however rules and respect should be expected when visiting your house. Your husband is urging you to be more natural around his child. Perhaps he shuld also share some of the loathing that you are receiving? I would recommend a few sessions with a counselor adn even include the child’s mother on one because afterall, she has a right on how she wants her daughter raised.

#2 I am not sure you should erase your religion all at once. Slow and subtle hints that you are not as devout as your parents will be shown in time. No one can force feed your beliefs; however most people still find that staying home instead of attending a weekly religious service is being lazy. To keep peace while you are living at home- is there anything about the church that is okay, such as fellow congregants? What about the priest’s sermons? Good luck!

As for the first letter, I believe that children can sometimes be the very best judges of character.  This hurt little girl’s love and loyalties lie with her mother and father, as they naturally should, and she is not oblivious to circumstances or the selfish motives of others.  Perhaps the step-mother needs to take a long, hard look into the mirror of reality and quit laying blame on the "evil ex" for her own sense of guilt and failure.

I am a "recovering" Catholic.  I am still trying to get over the damage the church did to my head.  I am a practicing atheist.  It is amazing how many atheists there are but they are in the closet.  We are just starting to admit publicly that we think it is all "unbelievable nonsense."  My mother is 95 and has dementia.  I lived a long way away from her so I never told her I was not Catholic.  I went to church once a year when I visited her.  My sister told her she had joined a different Christian religion and it broke Mom’s heart.  She prayed and prayed and sent month to every crazy organization she saw on TV to ask for them to pray that my sister return to the the Catholic. church  The Catholic church, the one and only true church as Catholics are taught, everyone else is going to hell.  Can you imagine teaching that—oh so Christian.  I have seen the most unchristian behavior in many religious people and the most Christian behavior in many non-religious people during my long life.   Remember, atheists expect no reward for their good behavior.

Hey, atheists unite.  I know there are a lot of us out there.  Religion has caused a heap of hate all over the world.  Wars are about religion.  As Bill Maher says "I only believe in one less God than you do."

#1 Maybe, too, the husband/dad should stop getting mad at his wife for not turning into an entertainer. Clearly she’s uncomfortable with it so it would only come off as contrived, anyway. If he keeps trying to force her to be someone other than who he married then their marriage will fail. I agree with those who say she should be her friendly self and not try to force anything. And if the kid is being rude toward her step-mother, her father needs to find a way to correct her without alienating her, otherwise his inaction suggests that he condones her behavior.

I’m another "raised Catholic" who left the Church.  Years ago, I decided that Catholicism wasn’t for me & started to explore other religions. 

The first time I walked into a synagogue, I felt as if I’d gone home.  When I told my mother that I was going to become Jewish was easier because both my parents were converts to Catholicism & mum’s parents went back & forth between Roman & Polish National Catholicism, depending on distances to travel & gas rationing during WWII.  My grandparents were appalled that I bought a house on my own rather than marry & get a husband to buy it for me, but never said a word about my conversion.

#1 Don’t fake anything with this child. They know instantly when an adult is lying and faking how they feel and they will react to it. IF the mother is lying they know that too. They might even chose to defend their mother even when they know she is lying. In my experience, children defend the one who has the most control in their life. However if the mother is lying, the child will know that too and eventually it will affect the relationship. How you behave towards the child determines the kind of relationship you will have with her.

#2 I was surprised to find out that the daughter of my heart now that she is an adult and back in my life, says she doesn’t believe in the Bible or even know the basics of Christianity. The agreement we have, since she lives with me, is that she goes to Sunday morning service but it is still her choice. Nothing rides on her attendance. She is free to ask me any question she wants to. I expect her to question the Bible and God. He can handle it and in many cases I have already asked the same questions that she asks. I also do not force her to attend anything especially since I am active in other areas within my church and have to attend functions that she might find boring.

I was raised in a strict fundamentalist church which is not the one I attend. My choices fall short of my mother’s wishes but they are my choices. I refuse to put on a front and so I would never expect my daughter to do the same. I do understand a parent’s sense of failure if they haven’t taught their children something that is so important to them.

I know many people who do not attend the church they grew up in but for those who believe in the Bible, the girl might do well to remind her mother of Isaiah 55:11 and Proverbs 22:6. It might give her mother comfort while she seeks a place for herself.

Side note: I don’t know if I’ll get slammed for putting a biblical reference in this post but sometimes when dealing with someone from a strict religion, no matter what that religion may be, using their faith to help in the situation is the only way to help. Since this girl doesn’t believe the way her mother does, giving a way to help with the mother’s beliefs is the only way I can think to help her have some ammo for her defense if needed. I do understand guilt trips quite well.

LW1): An awful lot of posters seem to be anxious to condemn the step-mother for the mother’s venom and the child’s resentment. Perhaps they are projecting their own unhappiness from past experiences. It is quite possible that the stepmother’s relationship with the father began after his separation or even (gasp!) divorce from the mother, and that the latter is assuming that she was the cause of the marriage’s end. Injured parties can be quite vindictive, and are frequently not above serious attempts to sabotage a new partnership. As for the child’s reluctance to engage her father’s new mate, she may be picking up all sorts of hostility from her mother, (children are intuitive), plus whatever verbal hints mom is giving, PLUS dad’s seeming ambivalence toward his new wife’s role (she’s his spouse, not his daughter’s entertainment and new BFF, not to mention proof to his ex that he’s a "good" daddy). I feel for the woman. It appears that hubby is still VERY anxious to make sure that wife #1 is well pleased, to the detriment of wife #2. What a shame.

2): I gave up on Catholicism and christianity in elementary school. I found the whole concept of dying horribly, unapposed and unprotesting, for some obscure deity/cause, revolting and horrifying. My family was Catholic, but it is very difficult to force a child who simply refuses to go to church, without tantrums, crying or any ugliness of any kind, to attend. I later developed a true psychological phobic reaction to church, especially during any kind of service. I also have a deep mistrust of and abhorrence for organized religion of any kind.

So you can imagine my dilemna when I had children of my own. In the end, I decided that spirituality/faith/religion is their personal business. My 18 year old attends a Methodist church with my ex-in-laws. I am frequently disturbed by some of the attitudes he comes home with, including the belief that gay people are malevolent sinners (not even close to how he was brought up), that books and CDs that the church disapproves of ought to be burned (censorship appalls me), and that I am going to hell because I don’t attend church ( I suggested that, should the alleged Jesus have existed, he might have preferred that people refrain from wasting money on extravagant edifices raised to the glory of yuppies and spend it on helping, o, the poor and hungry and homeless. Just a thought.) As a person who is appalled by the mayhem, death and destruction done in the name of organized religion, having a son heavilly invested in a Christian church is very difficult for me, but it is his choice, and I am not about to try to dissuade him. My younger son has already been pelted with insinuation and accusations because he is not Christian and does not attend church (these from his 11-12 year old classmates). He knows that his father is an atheist and that I have spiritual, but not religious, beliefs. Currently, he believes in reincarnation and vaguely earth-based spirituality. Even though I am phobic about religion, and his father thinks that it is basically ridiculous and a tool for oppression and power-mongering, we keep these thoughts to ourselves and encourage him to be tolerant and respectful. I think our greatest fear would be that be that he would fall in love with, and under the sway of, a fundamentalist fanatic of ANY religious stripe, although he already seems to be far too sensible for that kind of nonsense.

So, it is not just parents who are religious who fear for their children. My older child was raised be to tolerant of humans regardless of race, ethnicity, religion, sexual preference etc. Now, since becoming involved in a very "well regarded", popular church of a common denomination with a large congregation in a "nice" suburban area, he has become bigoted, intolerant of gay people, and prejudiced against other religions. My worst nightmare.