A Friend Stopped By | 04/08/2009 12:00 am

The Mother-Daughter Relationship Dissected, by Elizabeth Berg

The author of Home Safe reflects on the complexities of motherhood.

By Elizabeth Berg

Amazon

Editor’s Note: Elizabeth Berg is the New York Times bestselling author of many novels, including Open House, Dream When You’re Feeling Blue and We Are All Welcome Here. Her latest novel, Home Safe, hit bookstores April 28. Here, she writes about the complexities of the mother-daughter relationship.

It’s a hot summer morning, and I’m nine years old. I awaken late and follow my usual morning routine: climb out of bed, untwist my pajamas, check out the sky and then go to greet my little turtle, who lives in a plastic moat with a plastic palm tree and a ramp, which, to my way of thinking, is a turtle five-star hotel. I feed him some dried flies, and then go down to the kitchen for some dried flies of my own. So to speak.

My mother is not in the kitchen waiting for me. She is not in the basement doing laundry. She is not in the living room, dusting or vacuuming, or in the bathroom, scrubbing the tub. She is, in short, nowhere she is supposed to be. I look outside to see if she’s hanging wash on the line. Nope. Where she is, is down the block a ways, sitting on the steps with some other women, having coffee with them.

I really want a fried egg, and I’m miffed that my mother is not there to make me one immediately. But I’ve watched her do it often enough, and I decide I can make one for myself. And so, not without trepidation, I take out the pan and the butter and the spatula and the egg. The final product is not exactly something I’d enter in a fried-egg contest. But I have indeed made one, and now I do what I must do. I march down the block and interrupt my mother and her friends to hold out my plate and show my Mom what I have done. "Very nice," my mother says, and there, now I can eat it.

Cut to the teenage years, and now I am full of disdain for the woman whose love and approval I formerly sought above all others’. Everything she says is suspect. She is too nice to people. She has no idea how to dress — herself or me. She drives too slow. Basically, everything she does is wrong, even if she’s just standing there breathing.

Again, I am doing what I must do, only this time it is to walk not toward my mother but as far away from her as I can get. I have to cut my ties to her in order to have a life of my own. So I subjugate the love I hold for her in my heart, and make a mantra out of "I can’t wait to get out of here." I don’t just mean physically. I mean psychically. In time, I do remove myself both ways; it is natural and fitting; and then, years later, I come to a refined love and new appreciation for my mother; this too is natural and fitting.

Everybody knows this happens. Everybody knows the mother-daughter relationship is one of the most complex there is. So why was it so difficult, so shocking, when my own daughters went through the same process I did? Well, because although it’s hard to be in either position — the person who has to leave, or the person being left — I think it was hard for me because I subscribed to what every mother believes: she’ll do everything differently, better, than her own mother did. It is true that all mothers do things differently than their own mothers, but they don’t necessarily do them better.

8 Reader Comments (so far…) Sign In or Register to comment

Mother-daughter relationships during the teen years (and beyond) circa 2009? Just my own observations of a few of those relationships close to me: Frankly, the suggestion that Elizabeth Berg has that she will be there, as grandmother, to comfort either mother or daughter during that time may (know I did not say "can") be dangerous. "Comforting" easily can turn into "defending" as situations can develop in a flash where hot words or spoken - or worse. By sticking up for the granddaughter (so easy to do) when the mother has given an ultimatum has the grandmother trodding on dangerous ground. Eroding her daughter in any way in front of the child may result in eroding or severing the relationship with your beloved child, now adult, who makes her own decisions.

As to teenage daughters in this present day and age, I see problems have escalated greatly for one big reason. Remember "manners and morals" when it was a real issue? The world is spinning and changing overnight, not over generations. Dating starts so early now that I am in awe. Promiscuity is rampant and rules in place in a prior generation do not hold. . a clash of generations is what I would call it. Where to hold the line and where to give in to this new world becomes a dilemma for mothers, and the daughters - well - test more than ever if they can get by going over the line. You know, "that line" firmly in place when grandmother was raising mother.

I don’t envy "the growing up years" and the constant major decisions that must take place - and the fireworks that come soon after. Thank goodness, I came through that time in tact … but nowadays? Another story I fear.

By joan larsen on 05/08/2009 2:32 am

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I had such complicated relationships with my daughters. They had real love hate towards me that was both typical for daughters and atypical in its depth and strength. On the one hand they wanted to be exactly like me and on the other hand they wanted to be absolutely nothing like me. For one daughter that meant a compulsive eating disorder (as i was an uber fit healthy person) and for the other daughter that mean drugs and criminal boyfriends (as i was a probation/parole officer when she was a teen). Ironically in their twenties they have moderated some. they’ve both given up on the "I don’t want to be ANYTHING like my mother" mantra and now take some pride in the ways they are like me while taking pride in the ways they are different. It was such a long and scary road. I sometimes think that kids with very strong and independent moms have a more difficult time finding their path than the kids iwth mommy moms. and by mommy mom i mean a woman whose primary identity is that of mother. That was never my primary identity. I was a lot of things and mother was one of them.

My daughter is helping raise a little girl. Her boyfriend is a single dad. and i’m going to be SUCH a bad nosy grandma! help! I butt in when i shouldn’t. I say things I should’t! and i SWORE i wouldn’t be like that!

By ChromeToe on 05/08/2009 9:19 am

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My mother and I had a had/have a complicated relationship. I have nothing but love for my mother. My teenage years were pretty rough, and I was going through some major emotional issues. I think that she didn’t have to go through that type of thing with my other sisters. Here I am, the odd duck. I’m sure that it was a lot for her to handle.

I appreciate her love and devotion to me. As I’ve gotten older, she’s become a dear friend to me. I treasure her advice and thoughts. I hope that I can be as wonderful of a mother to my daughter as my mother was to me.

By KristyB on 05/08/2009 1:51 pm

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I think this is the most complicated relationship. Every mother, every daughter has a story that is unique. I am the first daughter of a first daugher of a first daughter! Intensity is one word to describe the relationship at any given time, in any given phase. I couldn’t afford to go away to college, so living at home as a young adult, rather than leaving home as a teenager, helped forge my relationship with my mother. Had i left at 17, we would not have the close relationship we have now. I am now the mother of 2 girls. I am lucky enough to have my mother and my sister living near by. My mother is loving watching me with my teenage daughters, the same teenage daughters she wished on my when I was a teenager giving her grief!

I love hearing and reading about other mother daughter relationships. Here are a few book recommendations in honor of Mother’s Day, all exploring the subject of mothers and daughters.

http://www.stylesubstancesoul.com/newsletter/mothers_substance.html

By amykrause on 05/08/2009 8:12 pm

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Twenty-five years ago, the APA still looked at the mother when there were problems with the offspring. That has changed since and the truth is there are too many variables to point to mothers, now — society, drugs, mobility of the populace, disenfranchised families, enormous schools (beginning in middle school when youngsters from many neighborhoods are thown in to one enourmous pot with their hormones raging, and spilling out the windows), etc.

No, it’s not "Mom." It’s decisions young people are making.

I often think of this (research, et al) on Mothers Day - not every woman is a mother, not every wife, nor does every mother had an adoring child or brood ala Hallmark.

For one, I think this has become another corporate boon; it’s far too drippy. Most successful women, career or no career, do not need their grown kids, just respect.

Give me the kudos and caring year around - not $200. baskets of flowers on the Saturday before Mothers Day, et al. Take me out to eat when the spirit moves, even to a small cafe just to talk, and listen, and catch-up; no more jewelry, but a little of my favorite perfume would do once in a while; no more appliances, please - no more work do I want to do.

By Cjay on 05/09/2009 4:18 am

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I have an amazing relationship with my mom and an absolutely wonderful relationship with my incredibly beautiful (on the inside and out) 17 year old daughter. She comes to me for comfort and advice and sometimes even chooses to hang out with me over friends. We’ve never had an adversarial relationship like so many mothers describe, so it’s hard for me to even understand. She is independent and opinionated, for sure, but has a respect for my authority and has verbally thanked me for the reasonable boundaries we’ve instituted. It has always come so easy for us. The best advice I have for new moms with daughters is to take delight in them - cherish them! When a child truly feels valued, they won’t look for self-worth elsewhere. And since they know what true, selfless love looks like, they will seek that out in a spouse, as well.

By BethPie on 05/12/2009 11:14 am

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This is not on point, but I want to thank Elizabeth Berg for her wonderful books. THe way she uses words sounds like music to me. ANd her ideas, insights, feelings shared, have touched my soul. Thank you Elizabeth Berg. ANd when is the next book due!?!

By KrisMerrill on 05/16/2009 8:29 pm

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What I’ve found with my friends and from my own experience with my two daughters is that those of us who had difficult relations with our mothers have made a huge, whole-hearted effort to be better role models for our daughters than our mothers were to us.

Also, never give up. If you don’t hear from your daughter, don’t take it personally because she is living her life to the fullest. Keep on communicating and don’t wait for her to return your text, call, or e-mail. After all, it is our job to teach our children how to communicate; in their own time, you will settle into a healthy pattern of communicating. And, as we all know by our age, criticism destroys relationships, so bite your lip or read that text or e-mail out loud to yourself before pressing Send to make sure that the tone of your message cannot be misinterpreted. Your tone resonates deeper than words.

At all times, in everything that we say and do, a mother is the role model for her daughter’s behavior. If she behaves badly, examine what you see in yourself that showed her it was all right to behave in that manner. Scary, but true.

One last point—and it’s a huge one. End each and every communication, whether it is in person or not, with "Love you," "I love you," "I love you so much," or "Lots of love always" and wait to hear her echo those sweet words.

By DidiLorillard on 05/17/2009 11:28 am