A Friend Stopped By | 06/30/2009 11:00 pm

An Ecologically Incorrect Hotel Trip, by Lynn Freed

The vaunted author and essayist on the dark side of environmentally friendly resorts — and values.

By Lynn Freed

Lynn Freed

We stop outside a wooden structure built down the hill. The attendant unloads my luggage and leads me down to a semi-rusted steel door below. The steel, he points out, has been allowed to rust naturally, then waxed so that the rust does not rub off. Inside, the room is sleek and Spartan, with smooth, hard surfaces in wood, marble and glass. A wall of glass faces out over the ocean, which is fierce and unwelcoming through a veil of chill, gray mist. There is a fireplace, however, and a pile of wood, some twiggy, nouveau rustique furniture arranged around it. The bellhop gestures under the bed, where, he informs me, two massage tables are stowed. Massages can be done solo or in tandem, he says, inside or out on the deck, with or without a glass of wine.

He leaves at last, and I turn on the heat. I sit on the couch, which is as uncomfortable as it looks, to read the hotel’s literature. There is a card offering tarot readings ("renewed insight into the meaning of life’s journey"), a list of expensive spa treatments, yoga classes, the inevitable injunctions to stay on the path and away from the wildlife. And then, suddenly — considering a tandem massage in the bracing Northern California wind, with a glass of wine, the Pacific raging below, and then a fire to come in to, the huge platform stage of a bed, with Nature looking on, the terry robes in the closet and the basking pool afterward — suddenly I realize that this hotel is really a setup for ecologically correct trysts. Except for the $700-a-night tab, the fabulous restaurant, the slick appointments, it is not much different from its hokier ’60s cousin down the road. Give or take a few phrases and a few hundred thousand dollars, the message is still Love. And Profit.

Give or take a few phrases and a few hundred thousand dollars, the message is still Love. And Profit.

Back home, walking through the cosmetic section of a large department store, I am handed a card by a smiling saleswoman, who is promoting a "fragrance." Inside the card is a perfumed ribbon, which I throw away. The card itself, however, I read. It is full of wisdom on the nature of dunes. "They play a critical ecological role," it says, "in the Earth’s complex chain of life." When visiting a dune, the card tells me, do this, don’t do that. I decide then and there never to visit a dune. And not any other ecologically significant site of Recreation either. If I do happen upon a dune, as I have on occasion, I shall try not to see it as having a critical ecological role in the Earth’s complex chain of life. I shall try not to make it a Humbling Experience. I shall try never to Surrender to its Empowerment. Never. Never. Never.

8 Reader Comments (so far…) Sign In or Register to comment

Lynn … all you had to mention was "the basking pool" and I found that I too have had a like experience at the just-as-well unnamed resort that has a cousin - complete with too-much-said "basking pool" not that far up the coast for many more dollars than the experience was worth, except for "bragging purposes" afterward. . . oh, and a very depleted wallet. Don’t they say: "live and learn"??

Speaking for myself, the closeness to the ocean to get that ‘oneness from nature feel’ tends to give me a very damp, chill feeling. . you know, the feel that does not seem sympatico with romance?? For why else have you sold the family jewels to regain that "honeymoon feeling" once again? Yes, it’s true that I love nature in all of its glory. But there are many secret spots to most along that coast that bring you face-to-face with nature’s beauty at its finest, pretty much alone if you know your stuff, during the day. Free, absolutely free. "Nature" and "snob-dom" just don’t seem synonomous words. Do they to you?

I do have my favorite place whose name I hate to share - where beauty, privacy, secluded (no one can see you) balcony "for a bottle of wine and thou" I promise will make all your dreams come true and your body "satisfied". It is a dream world, hidden away not that many miles from the money-eater resort, where you will have a new-found respect for the joys of a hidden world and an urge to renew your marriage vows for the first time in years. Yes, THAT good. Twist my arm and I may share its name — but then, as I think of it as my own love nest — maybe not!!

By joan larsen on 07/01/2009 2:47 am

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Greets, Joan Larsen. Long time, no hear. How all is dandy.

By James the Game on 07/01/2009 10:26 am

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A day without James is a day without sunshine. You should know that. And while I did not comment on your "like to stay home" and "don’t want to travel" tidbits dropped over time, I just have resisted saying that if I once got you out and travelling and mixing with a ton of new people that I know, you would be absolutely hooked. That I can promise … unless you don’t like good times and lots of laughs — I insist that they is going to happen and it does. It is like an instant renewal of spirits — and you are prime for a change of scene. I can drag you out kicking and screaming, but I don’t think I have to. You are fun and everyone - and I mean everyone - should know it. And you know, Mr. James, that once outside your door, you are going to be irresistible to the women you sometimes talk about — as you will have more things to wow them with beside your good looks, of course. Now aren’t you glad I am back?????? I knew it!!!!

By joan larsen on 07/01/2009 12:35 pm

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Very kind, Joan. Most people who know me describe me as fun-loving, humorous, down-to-Earth, overly-analytical, shy around attractive women, and a sports fanatic. I’m a little homely, but good-hearted. Don’t know who might be interested in that combination, but thanks for the kind words! Only about 60, very cloudy, and somewhat windy in Michigan. Supposed to warm up and sun up by the weekend.

By James the Game on 07/01/2009 4:44 pm

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Thanks for being so ecological so I don’t have to….

By Star Lawrence on 07/02/2009 2:41 pm

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Loved the essay. I especially like the description of the attendant/bellhop as a "New Age brown shirt." I have never been able to put into words how I feel about this kind of moral elitism, but your decription of this unnamed retreat reminds me of that skin crawling quality inherent to some dystopian literature, where everything is fine on the surface, but you stand the chance of mysteriously disappearing in the middle of the night if you give even the slightest appearance of not being a good cult member. I am thinking of "The Giver."

So what exactly is the draw of this ecologically correct hotel? It sounds uncomfortable and depressing. I can think of better places for a roll in the hay and for less money.

By Violet Althouse on 07/03/2009 3:57 pm

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The article was great, the description of the haughtiness of the new "green movement" gave me a good laugh. Snobbism is snobbism, no matter what cause it is for, and to see people posing to be politically correct by " going green" is very funny, abeit a bit scary. My favorite place on earth is..my backyard. Maybe if we did not rush about seeking the lastest "this" or the newest "that" we would find what we are looking for…peace and quiet in our own backyard.

By Susan Thomas on 07/03/2009 6:35 pm

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I recently stayed in a "LEED" hotel in Michigan, all ecologically correct, down to the sparse lighting, concrete floors with non allergenic throw rugs, midcentury modern furniture in the restaurant/bar and common areas, etc. It was interesting, at first. The place felt like being in the Netherlands, and I enjoyed seeing the design. Unfortunately, the spring weather was a weekend of grey monsoons. By the second day, the cement floors and ceilings, low lighting and hard surfaces started to feel like "Cellblock D." The common area furniture was hideously uncomfortable. I longed for carpeting; it was cold outside, for God’s sake! I don’t think these places will survive until they take into account our need for warmth, texture, color, light and comfort.

By Jennifer Tobias on 07/05/2009 10:04 pm