Question of the Day | 04/28/2009 11:00 pm

Have you ever felt trapped? What were the circumstances?

Candice Bergen, Judith Martin, Julia Reed, Mary Wells, Liz Smith and Joan Ganz Cooney divulge their personal claustrophobia.

Joan Ganz Cooney | 04/28/2009 11:00 pm

Joan Ganz Cooney's Cocktail Bore

I feel trapped at every cocktail party I go to.

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Candice Bergen | 04/28/2009 11:00 pm

Candice Bergen's Least Favorite Part of Europe

Trapped?? Oh aaaarrrgh. SOOO often but never in a permanent context, and I have learned how to avoid most contexts that give me claustrophobia. Except European trains. Twenty-five years ago, my late husband and I were on a train overnight. The bunks were really claustrophobic and the ceiling was about six inches from my nose and I started panicking and spent the rest of the night standing in the corridor.

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Mary Wells | 04/28/2009 11:00 pm

Becoming Mary Wells Again

I am trapped by illness, mine or someone I love’s illness. My creative mind shuts down, my emotions simplify and drown me and I have to fight them as well as do what it takes to deal with the illness. I would be the world’s worst professional nurse, but when my husband was ill for a very long period, I was a good administrative nurse without thinking. There was no choice. His illness was life. Later it was a difficult adjustment to become me, Mary, again.

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Judith Martin | 04/28/2009 11:00 pm

Judith Martin Says Enough

I used to cover official parties in Washington. Enough said?

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Liz Smith | 04/28/2009 11:00 pm

Liz Smith Chose a Life of 'Boring Entrapment'

Listen, kiddos, I’ve spent my grown-up life trapped at charity dinner parties and other “must attend” events, being nice, talking first on the right, then on the left to people I will probably never see again — and also, there is always the person who asks me, “Do you know any gossip?” I have led a social life of such qualified entrapment that I probably could have busted out of that German POW camp with Steve McQueen if only I’d been there. I am now an expert at wiggling out, at interrupting conversations with big bores by saying, “Oh, say, I have to get a drink!” or “I have to call my mother” or something like that.

But by attending these ongoing social events I have managed in return to raise millions of dollars for charity and, occasionally, even to get a good story I can actually write down and use in my column.

There is no escape from a certain amount of boring entrapment in the life I have chosen.

Oh yes, I forgot. Then there is my early first marriage. I had hardly said “I do” and “I will” when I realized I didn’t want to be married, didn’t want to “belong” to another person, and had made a huge mistake in personal judgment that was going to hurt a lot of people.

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Julia Reed | 04/30/2009 8:40 am

Julia Reed: Trapped at the Table With Brooke Astor

Like everybody else, I’ve felt completely trapped at dinner parties, especially at ones in New York where the sharing of VERY SERIOUS THOUGHTS seems the order of the day — or night, as it were. Once I was at a dinner where everyone was made to go around the table and speak to a variety of current events and it came time for a man who had recently made a trip to the Gaza Strip to speak. (This same man, who shall remain nameless, had previously been my dinner partner at another party and regaled me with jokes he read from cards taken out of his wallet.) Anyway, I have a lot of thoughts on the Gaza Strip myself, all wildly different from this guy, who is an ardent supporter of Israel. But even if I had wanted to respond to him, I couldn’t have. He droned on and on until I got busy devising ways that I might surreptitiously crawl under the table. The wine had stopped in deference to the great import of what he was saying — no waiter was allowed to cross into the lofty oratory zone — and I was desperate. Finally, there was a timid knock on the dining room door — a still-very-much-with-it-and-adorable Brooke Astor was also at the table and her minder had standing orders to come and fetch her at 10 PM no matter what. This did not stop the droning, alas. But it did make me wish more than anything in the world I had a minder — and I have never been more jealous of anyone in my life than the happily departing Brooke.

Writing this reminds me of a dinner party a few weeks ago at my mother’s house on the Gulf Coast of Florida where I was the nominal host (but let me hasten to say that I had little to do with the fun of the party). The museum whose board I chair in New Orleans, the Ogden Museum of Southern Art, has a “satellite” in a nearby community called Watercolor, and my great friend William Dunlap, the artist and the most unreconstructed liberal I know (or did know, until unreconstructed libs became the order of the day and now Bill has plenty of competition), had just had an opening. His old college buddy, who is way to the right, was there, along with some devoted arts supporters, a restaurateur/columnist/cookbook author, an architect and assorted other friends. The right-winger made one of the arts supporters (a great woman on the board of the Seaside Institute) so mad that at one point she stood up and looked like she might be about to hit him. Several of us pelted Dunlap with napkins after he said Al Gore was a terrible candidate but would have made a great president. We drank a lot of wine — which never quit flowing — and ate grilled Roman steaks and this dish I made up with warm field peas and enormous Gulf shrimp in a sherry wine vinaigrette. I can’t remember what we had for dessert, but afterward we took the wine out on the porch where we sat in the wicker chairs and kept talking and laughing and listening to too-loud music until late into the night.
Apparently it was so memorable that the restaurateur/columnist wrote about it. To me it was not all that notable, just the norm — or at least what should be the norm. People should get in good old-fashioned arguments rather than sycophantically – raptly – listen to each other orate. They should fuss at each other, charm each other (effortlessly, of course) and flirt, a lot, for God’s sake, all in good fun, and make their partners laugh without the benefit of wallet-sized prompters. I am firmly against the choreography of conversation — or the “anchoring” of parties, as one long-suffering friend puts it — by someone who makes like (or indeed happens to be) an anchorman.

I know very few people who aren’t under a lot of stress right now. And I can think of no better remedy than to commune at the end of the day with good food and drink, to kick up your heels (or at least take them off under the table) with people you already love or might really want to get to know. And if napkins get thrown, so much the better. It is a way more desirable alternative to being held hostage during what has come to be known in certain august circles as “table talk.”

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I felt trapped into marrying my daughter’s father. After 5 difficult dating years I became pregnant. Knowing the life I wanted to provide my child, I was convinced by outside forces that marrying would stabilize my life. Within 4 years of my daughter’s life she was a nervous wreck from witnessing my, and suffering her own, emotional abuse from "the solution". I grabbed up my child and fled. Weve battled his emotional abuse ever since but from the fortress of our own address, where he can be diminished and dismissed as the misogynistic, ineffectual wanna-be that he keeps proving he is.

By Oh! My Favorite on 04/29/2009 7:14 am

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that is the way it was with my first husband. i wish i had never married him and just had left him sooner. but luckily he never really did much to the kids. just stupid stuff that i could counteract by showing them i was the one there for them. when he abandoned them several years later it only reinforced what i was already teaching them. he of course told his family that i STOPPED him from seeing them. but they co-signed what i said years later and closed a rift between parts of his family that hated all of us b/c of that fact. it also taught my children that you cannot blame children for the actions of the adults.

By Nancy Pea on 05/02/2009 3:35 pm

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Sometimes trapped is a mind set because we don’t have the ability or courage to change the conditions around us. While I realize there are situations that we can’t control we can actively look for ways to change our attitudes and ourselves.

When my husband was diagnosed with a neuromuscular disease we decided together that his condition would not dictate the terms of how we lived. We moved his father in our home knowing he was incapable of caring for himself and our freedom would be limited. This is a stage in life where someone has to be there for him. Do I get mildly depressed at times? Yes, especially when there are things I’d like to do. I’ve learned to invest in respite care and take advantage of elder care programs.

Once we make up our minds not to be trapped by our circumstances we begin to see solutions.

By Chris Glass` on 04/29/2009 7:44 am

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"Once we make up our minds not to be trapped by our circumstances we begin to see solutions. "

A good reminder. I think a lot of people are trapped by self-limiting thoughts……i.e. change your thoughts, change your life.

By Suzanne de Cornelia on 04/29/2009 11:18 am

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I am trapped - its not that I just feel trapped. I will escape one day. In fact, I am getting mentally prepared for the escape. I think that one day I will be free. There is a paralysing inertia right now. A body at rest tends to stay at rest - isn’t that what inertia is? That is me. But once there is momentum, the momentum will continue and carry me. With a slight change in the trajectory of this forward motion, I will be free.

I am totally reactive and not proactive, right now. I am just reacting to a terrible force in my life. I am not in the present - I am thinking about "one day- some day in the future" - but my present is absolutely untenable. Please let me ‘fast forward’ and get me outa here!!

Thanks

By Linda Lee on 04/29/2009 8:27 am

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wow Linda… powerful post. Not knowing your circumstances i don’t have any good advice for you. the only thing I can venture is if you are trapped in a marriage a job an ugly "place" then the way to get out is to be willing to do whatever it takes. willing to give up the car, the job, the money, the company, the whatever it is… willing to leap into the unknown. willingness can free you from a lot. but again… i don’t know your circumstance so peace be with you.

By Chrome Toe on 04/29/2009 8:45 am

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Hi CT,

One of my dearest friends sent this to me as she knows I used to ride myself, and I thought that you might get a kick out of it as well. :))

HARLEY MAN’S WISH

A man riding his Harley was riding along a California beach when
suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the
Lord said, ‘Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I
will grant you one wish.’

The biker pulled over and said, ‘Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride
over anytime I want.’

The Lord said, ‘Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach
the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It
will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is
hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little
more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.’

The biker thought about it for a long time.

Finally, he said, ‘Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our
wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she’s thinking when she
gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she
says nothing’s wrong, and how I can make her truly happy.’

The Lord replied, ‘You want two lanes or four on that bridge?’

By HA BIBI on 04/29/2009 8:24 pm

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I’ve never felt permanently trapped. I’ve felt temporarily trapped. In my first marriage because he was such a good guy and I didn’t love him. and that just seemed so selfish and decadent. to not want a good man when I believed that there were so few out there. so i stayed longer than I would have otherwise. In my first career because it was a good job. and who wouldn’t want a good job right? so I stayed longer than I would have.

i never feel permanently trapped because I know that i’m willing to do whatever it takes to NOT be trapped. i’d be poor, i’d be alone, i’d be ostracized, i’d be and have BEEN a lot of different things in order to not be trapped.

However… i will qualify the above with an exception for illness. Illness can trap you and your virtually helpless to change that I think. that would be the big sucky thing… illness.

By Chrome Toe on 04/29/2009 8:41 am

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This is the first time in my life when I feel trapped on many levels. Usually I felt strong and courageous and able to generate a lot of doable options. Now with the economy, the death of the city I live in, my age, my obligations - my optimism and options are not apparent.

By Kay Sara on 04/29/2009 8:47 am

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I can appreciate what you are saying, Kay Sara. And can describe my situation in words similar to yours. What surprises me is that I find I’m getting depressed (and not aware of it!) more often and have to work very hard to break out and do the things I feel I cannot do. I tell myself: I won’t lie down I won’t just fade away. I will go out fighting I will I will I will … so far that helps. But I’ve got to figure out how to change something anything … and accept what I cannot change, with serenity and grace … difficult task.

By rocky rocky on 04/29/2009 5:55 pm

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Your words lit a spark for me, Rocky. "Keep fighting!" I was always a fighter- though I haven’t wanted to fight anymore. I want peace, harmony, serenity - for a little while anyway. But without that I will have to muster up my fighting spirit once again - never thought I would ever be one to just fade away, but seems quite possible if I don’t start fighting again.

By Kay Sara on 04/29/2009 6:51 pm

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Kay - after the all the years we have worked to maintain families, homes, businesses, friends, to me it seems that I am not going to fight anymore, but I am going to open new doors and see what is behind them. I am different now then when I was in my 20’s 30’s and 40’s, I don’t have to be anything for anyone, or fulfill what society thinks I should do. I don’t have to prove myself to anyone but I do know I want to continue to grow and learn to love more fully, and forgive more fully. I want to continue on with a sense of freedom of self to do what is best for me at this stage of life. There is something because even with an economic downturn, ideas are infinite..

By Frannie Em on 04/30/2009 1:23 am

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The irony of the times I felt physically trapped is that it trained me to become less mentality trapped.

I lived in Japan for many years. We have all of us seen the film footage of people being crammed into the subways: they are true. Nothing will make you feel more claustrophobic than being sardined in with hundreds of people literally in your face. Americans value personal space (hence our love of big yards and open plains) more than almost any other society, so it was hard for this American from the West Coast to deal with those subways. At least at first.

Then I noticed something interesting. You can be on a subway at any time of the day or not in Japan and see salary men SLEEPING. They sleep standing up, they sleep sitting down, they sleep crammed next to a hundred people. How could they DO that?! I couldn’t imagine it.

After talking to my friends, both foreign and Japanese, what I found was that personal space is not as important to the Japanese because they don’t have much of it. So they develop that comfort zone in their heads. It just doesn’t bother them to be crammed up against a zillion people so they can sleep.

It took me about a year but I started to redevelop my sense of space. If it bothered me (and it really really did), I tried to learn to focus on what I was thinking about inside and not on the smelly bodies all around me (easier said than done, most of those salary men smoked a lot!). I think it’s basically a form of meditation. At any rate, I learned.

Lesson? It’s all in the perception. If you want to be miserable, claustrophobic or trapped, you can do that ANYWHERE and ANYTIME, granted of course that you aren’t in physical danger!. If you want to be free, happy, liberated, you can do it ANYWHERE and ANYTIME. It’s a personal choice.

By nanchan u on 04/29/2009 8:51 am

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nanchan

great example and very true

By Frannie Em on 04/30/2009 1:24 am

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Trapped?

Well there was that 30 min flight in the back of a packed full like sardines commuter jet from Key West to the main land - I was fairly convinced there was no air to breathe back there, but my husband pointed the air vent at my face and the slight breeze helped me to get through it.

There was the 1st win of the Buffalo Bills over the Miami Dolphins after a 20 game losing streak (I was working clean up crew for Rich stadium (they’ve renamed it something else now) back in high school) and the riot that followed the game. The police came out on the field on horses and escorted the players off into the locker rooms, and then let the fans tear the field/stadium to pieces. They tore out 3/4ths of the astro turf, several rows of aluminium benches right out of the cement, tore out one goal post, passed pieces of it hand by hand out over the top of the stadium into the parking lot, and danced around with it till the wee hours of the morning. I made my way to the employee broom room and my surpervisor let us in and locked the door afterward. She was afraid the drunken mob would get ahold of the brooms and start beating on eachother with them - she’d seen it happen before. A mob will do things no sane individual would do. I’ve never been comfortable in any large crowd after that.

By B Clark on 04/29/2009 8:57 am