Question of the Day | 07/28/2009 11:00 pm

How generous are you with your own possessions when it comes to your family?

What about your friends? Would you lend a piece of jewelry? A car? A house? Where are your limits? Join Candice Bergen, Cynthia McFadden and the wOw women in the conversation …

Cynthia McFadden | 07/28/2009 11:00 pm

Cynthia McFadden Will Loan Anything – Except This

I have loaned cars, houses, jewelry and clothes with pleasure. The results have always been happy. I have learned not to loan money — give it, or don’t do it.

6 Comments

Judith Martin | 07/28/2009 11:00 pm

Judith Martin Won't Loan You Her Chair

Anything, as long as no one tries to sit at my desk. I even resent it when a member of the family is sitting there at my urgent request, fixing my computer problem.

2 Comments

Candice Bergen | 07/28/2009 11:00 pm

Candice Bergen Borrows and Gives

Of course, I lend everything and my friends lend back. Especially in the old days. Ali MacGraw lent me a strapless Halston to wear to the Golden Globes in the days before we all had stylists, and when I could still fit into her stuff. I had a close friend who lent everything and then decided to charge, which kind of took the charm out of it. Like Cynthia, I do not lend money. I give it and don’t expect to see it back. And I lend my old NYC apartment, which is often empty till my daughter moves in. I just lend it to a few tight friends who always take great care of it.

4 Comments

Joan Ganz Cooney | 07/28/2009 11:00 pm

Joan Ganz Cooney's 'Love' for Lending

Where family is concerned I have no rules and lend whatever is needed; with friends and employees, I have many times lent money. I don’t always love doing it but I’m a soft touch.

2 Comments

Marlo Thomas | 07/28/2009 11:00 pm

Marlo Thomas on Lending: Follow George W. Bush

I loan anything to my family and pals, provided they take care of it. But if they mess it up — in the words of George W., "If you fool me once shame on you. If you fool me … you can’t uh … get … uh … fooled again … er …"

10 Comments

Mary Wells | 07/28/2009 11:00 pm

The 'Takeover' of Mary Wells's French Sea Step

I have never felt I owned anything but I am not asked for anything except money or the use of a house. There has been only one thing I have resented — but it wasn’t lending, it was being taken over.

I had a little port at my house in France. It was a postage stamp, but it had great steps into the sea. Every morning I would put down my blue-and-white beach towels. Within an hour strangers would be on them oiling themselves. I paid a hefty French tax for that little piece of cement and although you can’t stop anyone from using your steps into the sea in France they can’t pause. It used to raise my blood pressure to risk level to see those strangers on my blue-and-white towels taking over my little port. Police would come. My husband would start a fight with one of them. They would insist it was theirs as much as ours — oof!

I finally learned to put two small but expensive-looking chairs there, which suggested one would have to pay to stay there. Voila! No one ever sat on those chairs.

2 Comments

Jane Wagner | 07/29/2009 9:25 am

Jane Wagner's Generous Spirit of Giving

Materially, I am there for family and friends. Anything I possess is theirs to share without question. I am not as generous with myself, however, as I am with material things since I am somewhat introverted and a bit too reclusive. Because of this, there are people who may not know how deeply I care for them. I want to change this about myself and am working on it. I want to be as generous with myself as I am with my possessions. I want to be truly open and generous in spirit — generous of my time, my heart and mind.

25 Comments

Julia Reed | 07/30/2009 4:10 pm

Nothing Is Off-Limits to the People Loved by Julia Reed

When my husband and I had to get out of our house in the French Quarter in New Orleans, our new house wasn’t ready. My evil contractor assured me we’d be able to move in within two weeks so we moved for what we thought was a short stay into my friend Elizabeth’s guest house. We ended up staying six months.

Elizabeth and I have know each other since we were born, thank God, and are used to sharing everything, including space. An English secretary that is now in my house was parked in her mother’s house for years because my own mother did not have a place to put it. My first sofa originally belonged to Elizabeth’s Aunt Fanny and it made the grand tour from Mississippi to DC to Florida to New York before landing back at Elizabeth’s sister McGee’s house in New Orleans. Recently, Elizabeth rented her house out to a famous rock star who was recording an album in New Orleans, so she came to live on our third floor for two months. I still "owe" her four months, but we don’t actually keep tabs, and we know we barely have to ask when we need something.

My point is there is nothing off-limits where the people I love are concerned, whether it is money, homes, cars or jewelry (McGee wore my pearl and diamond earrings when she married last year), and I am very, very lucky to have friends who feel the same way. Also, I always end up gaining more than I lend. My friend Jessica’s son Taylor lived with us for three months when he came to New Orleans last year to start his career as a chef and he was a total gift. I went to visit Taylor just days after he was born in Los Angeles and now he is an amazingly fine young man who enriched our lives immeasurably while he was in residence. The dog went into a prolonged funk after he left and our kitchen has never been as clean since. Fortunately, he is only a few blocks away, but I wouldn’t trade anything for that time.

3 Comments

43 Reader Comments (so far…) Sign In or Register to comment

I give freely my time, a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on to family and friends.

By Patricia Sprofera on 07/29/2009 10:46 am

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Oops! It’s been so long, but I have loaned money to my brother and we still love one another, even after all those years.

By Patricia Sprofera on 07/29/2009 11:05 am

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I have my friend Jule sand and her two children living with us. That makes a total of 10 of us in a 2500sq foot, 4 bedroom home. It’s been 3 months and she’s trying to save money for a deposit on an apartment.

The irony is that her son, 11, has close to 100,000 dollars in his bank account, because of an injury lawsuit that was settled when his hand was crushed 3 years ago. But government regulations say she can’t touch that money. He gets it when he turns 18. She is in this situation because she fell behind on her house payments while caring for him for his 4 months of daily physical therapy and multiple surgeries. She was only compensated $5000 by the court for those 4 months.

Government over-regulation and interference has made them homeless. Government defies common sense.

By Bella Mia on 07/29/2009 12:56 pm

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It’s easy to scapegoat the government. Many, many people do it when they don’t get to have their way.

That money is compensation to the child for his injury and loss of future income potential or any future complications. The law is there to protect the child’s interests for irresponsible parental behavior - ask any one of many child starts who had their trusts looted.

A $5,000 award for 4 months’ attention is not chicken-feed if someone was living within their means at the outset.

By Karen R on 07/29/2009 2:59 pm

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All her other income went to zero for 4 months, and $5000 is only a little more than $1200 a month, far, far less than she was making. New Jersey where we live has the highest property taxes in the country, and hers were about $800 a month on a small 3 bedroom house, which is what ours are too. So yes, in the big governmnent state of NJ $5000 is chcken feed. She can’t leave because her ex-lives here and he has rights. New Jersey is also dead last on the Small Business Survival Index for it’s love of high taxes, and massive regulations. She’s caught. And so per your observation, governmet would rather see this young boy essentially stressed and traumatized because he’s homeless, rather then touch a dime of his $100,000.

That defies common sense. It’s government cruelty due to unintended consequences.

By Bella Mia on 07/29/2009 3:53 pm

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With all due respect, while a child’s crushed hand is a major injury it’s a little difficult to justify household income going to zero for it, especially if her ex still lives in states and maintains parental rights. I suspect that was the court’s/jury’s view also.

By Karen R on 07/29/2009 4:41 pm

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Furthermore, according to your original post, she fell behind in her house payments during the four months she looked after her child almost three years ago. What happened between then and now?

By Karen R on 07/29/2009 4:53 pm

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In regards to money, I give, if it is within my means, but I don’t lend. With friends, I don’t want to ruin the relationship with potential bad feelings. With family, I don’t ask for it back, because we don’t need to keep score. I know they will be there for me, to the very best of their ability, if and when I need help.

With posessions, I lend freely to my family. I also happily lend to those friends who demonstrate that they respect me, and will respect my property.

However, one thing I absolutely NEVER do is lend books. I do not lend books, even if I’m seeing them the next day, and they promise to bring it back with them. I do not lend books, even if I have read the most life changing tome, and I long to share it with the world. I do not lend books, even if they profess to be as much of a book worm as I am, cherishing each volume like a precious child. It’s just not worth the cost of constantly replacing my library.

By M C on 07/29/2009 3:20 pm

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I love to give. I wish I had more to give away.

By Kay Sara on 07/29/2009 5:02 pm

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I don’t lend money either. I give it or don’t. I stopped lending books because I have never once got one back. I either give the book or don’t. As far as the rest of it, nobody wants my stuff anyway.

I borrowed a shirt from a friend once. It was the strangest thing, a threadbare flannel shirt, exquisitely soft and worn. Her mother had cut and hemmed the sleeves and none of the buttons matched. When I wore it people would look at me like "what’s wrong with this picture?" and then realize they’d never seen a flannel shirt with short sleeves before. I loved this shirt and never gave it back to my friend because it was something of hers and that made me happy when I wore it. Finally one day I put the shirt on, the threads finally gave it up, and the whole back shredded on me. I still miss that shirt.

By Livia Jones on 07/29/2009 8:17 pm

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I will share anything I have with almost anyone, but if someone touches my stuff without asking first or before I can offer it, I go bonkers.

By Jane Goodwin on 07/29/2009 11:18 pm

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I have amazing daughters. I also have a considerable wardrobe stash from my 30 year career as a fashion and beauty editor / sample sale addict. There is no such thing as loaning your adult daughters clothes. I know its buh-bye to clothes and accessories that leave my closet and I’m happy to recycle without having to drag them down to the consignment shop.

By Lois Joy Johnson on 07/30/2009 4:01 pm

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If you put weights on my ankles and grabbed me by the neck and pulled me up about four or five inches, my body would be just about identical to my older daughter…who came to live with me in May. She was in a bad way, and even the suitcase she was pulling off the plane behind her had little more than undies and a toothbrush inside.

So now I REALLY know why God made me buy all the fabulous clothes in my closet. They all look sooo much better on HER!

I would do the same for any one of my children or grandchildren. I don’t have much, but they know what’s mine is theirs. And I think most people know if they want me for anything, I’ll show up and do my best to deliver.

By Ms. Dee on 07/31/2009 3:46 pm