A Friend Stopped By | 08/18/2009 9:45 am

How My World Was Shattered, by Luanne Rice

After her third divorce, the bestselling author confronts life without her sisters — and reveals how writing a novel helped her overcome her own demons.

By Luanne Rice

Editor’s note: Luanne Rice is the author of The Deep Blue Sea For Beginners, just published by Bantam. She has written 26 other novels, many of them New York Times bestsellers.

This year — the year my cosmic sweater began to unravel — I began to write The Deep Blue Sea For Beginners. I wrote it because I felt I had to knit life back together with words. Among other things, I’m D-3, which means I’ve been divorced three times. My third was so spectacular that it made Liz Smith’s column not once but twice, and involved the following dialogue with an FBI Agent:

Me: "But he doesn’t seem like a con man!"

FBI agent: "Do you think con men announce they’re con men? Did you meet him at church? A self-help meeting?"

Me: "He said he could help me believe in myself again."

FBI agent: (chuckle) "He’s got it down. He’s a predator. You were vulnerable. Did he ask what you did for a living?"

Over the years I’d given so much power away – love, sense, strength, authenticity.

Me: "I told him I was a writer. He wanted to see my work … we walked to a Barnes & Noble."

FBI agent: "Guaranteed, he was calculating your assets before you showed him half your shelf."

That conversation took place five years into a brutal, dishonest, abusive marriage. By that time I’d dropped or been dropped by all my friends. One friend said he felt I was "disappearing." I figured it was because I wore long, flowing things and straw hats. "I don’t mean your clothes," he said. "You. Where are you in there? What happened to Luanne?"

Walking on eggshells changes one’s life. I hid from my friends and family, even from myself. I wrote constantly, two books a year; fiction, intense and emotional, kept me so much saner than life with the man I’d married.

I wound up knocking on the door of an office — Domestic Violence Valley Shore Services. I explained to the woman who answered I probably didn’t belong; after all, my husband had never laid a hand on me. But as I spoke, began to tell my story, I felt myself start to melt, disintegrate, and to this day I can’t believe the howls that came from my body. The wonderful counselors there told me I did belong, that I bore scars inside my body — my heart and spirit — harder to heal than any bruise or broken bone.

My counselor taught me to not call him "my" husband, that it was demeaning to claim someone who was destroying me. "Call him by his name — he’s not yours," she said. I attended the Thursday night group. You could tell the new women: deer frozen in headlights. And the things we would say: "He doesn’t mean it." "He said it would never happen again." "He was abused as a child." We had more compassion for our abusers than for ourselves.

I left my third husband. He hired a celebrity lawyer — an abusive divorce to follow an abusive marriage. They hinted they might subpoena my computer; to them, if I was writing, it meant money. When I heard that — sitting on the witness stand — I felt as if I’d been stabbed. Taking a writer’s computer is like stealing her soul. It was December, and dark — the court recessed for Christmas. I went to my house, grabbed my computer and heaved it into the Long Island Sound. Later, when the subpoena did come, I told them to "dive for it."

57 Reader Comments (so far…) Sign In or Register to comment

Luanne, Thanks for sharing your story. I feel your pain with your sisters. I had 3, now I have none. I have had 2 to pass away (way too soon, ages 22 & 46) My oldest sister which helped raise me is estranged. At some point over the years, she changed, making it very difficult for me to be a part of her life.

I have a brother (only one) who is ill. Not sure how his health will play out with him in the near future. Both my parents have passed also. My family is disappearing slowly, but way too soon.

Keep trying to rekindle with your other sister, it sounds like there is still hope. My sister and I haven’t spoke in 10 years. Maybe some day the ice will be broken and I can have my sister back.

By Eldebbo C on 08/18/2009 10:21 am

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I’m starting to reconcile with my own sister, who I used to be very close with. Our family is very close knit. We’re great friends as much as family.

Anyway, my life in a bad marriage ended up making our relationship very much estranged. I guess when you are immersed in a bad marriage or relationship, you end up doing things and behaving in such a way that you become unrecognizable even to yourself.

Keep trying to connect to your sister if you can. Being estranged from my sister left such a hole in my heart that nothing could fill. When she put everything aside to reach out to me one night when I needed it the most, I felt such a warm glow deep in my soul. I felt hope, which I had needed so badly that night. Don’t give up. The dream is still possible.

By Laura Scott on 08/18/2009 10:46 am

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Sisters sometimes they need really good mental health care and it is dangerous for some of us to have these toxic relationships in our lives. With very good reasons my choice today is not to have my siblings involved in my life. I am finally happy in life it took letting go with love of my sisters.

By Mary Powers on 08/18/2009 11:22 am

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The author’s overwhelming abandonment is as close as emotions get for me, also. Why is it we blame a part of ourselves when people treat us badly?

I adore the part where she threw her computer into the water—I lose, you lose, but you do NOT get my soul. That was true bravery. That was not a victim. I absolutely love that.

By kermie b on 08/18/2009 11:10 am

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Actually, kermie, I’m she backed all the info from the computer up on a jump drive. =)

By MK P on 08/19/2009 4:25 pm

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Only yesterday I read a quotation that seems somehow appropriate:

The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for."

And yet, so many of us get so intertwined in the emotions of "love" that our rational mind is on hold. It happens. What I admire is your willingness to share the trauma that followed as I have always found that we learn from the other. But for you, it is also a catharsis, hopefully allowing you to move on. We learn from our mistakes. We make them daily, and of course, some are so much worse than others.

But as far as sisters go, I will chance going against the flow here. My feelings are there is too much "history" left in family falling-outs. History that is never fully forgotten or forgiven. We had no choice in family. We cherish the family that remains loving as it is precious. But we have little idea early on how fast life goes by.

I would counsel instead to have friends that you choose yourself, identify with, are with you NOW through thick and thin and hopefully will remain so. Friends - those special friends - are the blessings of life. Some are close by, but all STAND BY. We can’t choose family. We can choose friends - and embrace them. You truly can’t afford to be torn up over this as you already have had more than enough baggage and trauma. Live for the day, make it all it can be. . and be sure your friends love you for who you are and not what you do. You have a lot of years to make up for. Today is a good day to start. Joan

By joan larsen on 08/18/2009 12:10 pm

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Joan - WOW. What a quote! And is it ever an apt one. This was a powerful article, wasn’t it? Being human comes with a lot of challenges, among them the fact that we - among all the animals - seem to have the innate ability to delude ourselves. How many times in my life did I feel a little ripple of doubt, only to pour a few drops of the oil of self-delusion on the ripple and calm it down again? And how many times did that tiny ripple eventually become a tsunami of crisis down the line? But, you are right. Being human also gives us the ability to experience a catharsis. We’re lucky in that regard. A catharsis - which the wise ancients in Greece believed was necessary to our very soul - gives us the opportunity to grow and learn and become stronger.

Your advice in the final paragraph? Brilliant, brilliant. Simple and brilliant. The moment we isolate ourselves and pull away from true friends and loving family - we have been swept into the tsunami. Today IS a good day to start. Bless you, Joan!!

By Susan Crawford on 08/19/2009 10:02 am

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That Luanne Rice was so completely open provided more food for thought than any book of fiction to me. I found myself wanting to have a conversation with her face-to-face as over and over I have seen women go back to another man who we - as outsiders - recognize as almost a double of the last. The woman HAS TO believe that she is worth only the best. I tell her to aim for the sky and she will find she will get the stars. It all stems in inner belief in yourself and an aim that is only for the best. Belief is the key - and as most of us know, our own reflection will shine — and light will attract light. It works … both ways. And today IS the first day of the rest of your life — and it is just what we are willing to make of it. Reach out — but reach UP!! Thanks, Susan.

By joan larsen on 08/19/2009 11:27 am

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Damned powerful quote Joan. Even though I’m not a fan of the quote’s author, she does deserve credit: Maureen Dowd.

By Andrea Brandon on 08/19/2009 1:52 pm

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Thank you, thank you, Andrea. And I really can be faulted, as with the number of quotations and thoughts I have thrown out in the last few days, I have written quickly - sometimes to get to the point. And I believe so deeply that the writer should always get the credit — and this one was just perfect for this moment, didn’t you think? I see too many of my friends in similar circumstances, needing only now someone to fullly believe in them, bolster them.

By joan larsen on 08/19/2009 2:18 pm

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Joan,

A VERY powerful quote, particularly because it crosses so many aspects of life. Over the years I’ve known a number of people who have "given themselves up" and burrowed into someone else’s life. A shame. Every human on this earth has something to offer. It’s just a matter of believing in yourself and taking a risk when necessary when it will help you be that person.

I have friends, too, who seem to be lost….wanting a way out but afraid to take a chance. I’m thinking of one friend now. Instead of being the marvelous artist she is and showing her work, she’s hiding the canvasses in her garage because her husband doesn’t think she needs to spread her wings. [He’s feeling a little threatened, I suppose.] It’s sad because I know that if she could take that first step she would find many people love her work - she’d simply blossom with all the compliments. Something her husband doesn’t give.

It would be easy to say I loathe her husband and people like him…….but in the end it’s each person’s responsibility to actualize his inner child.

By Andrea Brandon on 08/19/2009 2:37 pm

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Each of us has to have our own space to spread our wings. To fly. It should pay off for them both, as she can become not joined at the hip but be her own person. In return, both should thrive as she will get out in the world, meet people they may both enjoy, and I love the expression "When Mamma’s happy, everyone’s happy". He will be the one getting "the benefits" and in real love you WANT for the other’s happiness and are PROUD. What you and other very close friends must do is encourage her to take her own baby steps into a larger world. She needs support obviously — as something we don’t easily do by ourselves. Lots of praise, encouragement, more. HE will benefit and perhaps - as we all have talents, mainly hidden - he will then be encouraged to spread his own wings. But SHE must be all she can be — as I always say: we don’t know what tomorrow will bring. We all know that things can happen in a second. What you are seeing happens far too often … but I KNOW that the real payoff is in the home and in the bedroom when a gal is happy!!!

By joan larsen on 08/19/2009 4:08 pm

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Joan,

It’s not going to end well in the case I mentioned. Sadly those who are compelled [due to their own insecurities] to make the other submissive and downtrodden, too often do an excellent job of it. Right now HE’s feeling quite the rooster being the king of the family. The rest are too scared to address the elephant/rooster in the room. But when he’s gone……the others come out of their shells and begin to bloom. If only he would stay away.

You’re 100% [to the nth power] right about when mama’s happy, the bedroom comes alive. LOL

By Andrea Brandon on 08/19/2009 4:17 pm

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Joan, I agree that we have no choice in who our family is and true close friendships are the sustaining factor in my life. We all carry damage from our youth and family dynamics but to be emotionally and spititualy well, we need to not live in the damage but learn from it and better ourselves. I wonder why Luanne sees the need to "fix" her relationships with her sisters? They had no control over the situations in their lives while under their parent’s authority. We can’t live in the past of would have could have and should have.

What I have realized in my situation with a sibling, is that I had to stop being the older sister and start being an adult individual who could hold open the offer to have a new adult relationship with my brother. However, he has chosen to live in his own space and does not interact with the family. That is his choice. He is my brother but he is not my friend. Luanne need not feel guilty over the situation with her sisters. If she was responsible for causing hurt, a sincere apology and asking for forgivness is necessary. If forgiveness is not given, so be it. She recognized her role in the disfunction and the sister is choosing to continue in the damage.

Luanne needs to move on in her life and live in her own strength. I have found that my true friends have been my life raft. I am carefull to honor and cultivate the relationships!

By Ann Cooper on 08/20/2009 3:52 pm

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Ann — you have my maiden name!!! But your comments were so well put that they stand alone. We realize so much more when we start moving up in age. NOW is the hour … and to continue to dwell in the past, have it bog us down when today is the first day of the rest of our lives - well, it would be wise to think that way and make this day and the days ahead count. Friends - good friends - can give us all we need. And as I said: we didn’t choose our family but we can choose our friends!!

Joan

By joan larsen on 08/20/2009 4:52 pm