A Friend Stopped By | 08/18/2009 9:45 am

How My World Was Shattered, by Luanne Rice

After her third divorce, the bestselling author confronts life without her sisters — and reveals how writing a novel helped her overcome her own demons.

By Luanne Rice

Editor’s note: Luanne Rice is the author of The Deep Blue Sea For Beginners, just published by Bantam. She has written 26 other novels, many of them New York Times bestsellers.

This year — the year my cosmic sweater began to unravel — I began to write The Deep Blue Sea For Beginners. I wrote it because I felt I had to knit life back together with words. Among other things, I’m D-3, which means I’ve been divorced three times. My third was so spectacular that it made Liz Smith’s column not once but twice, and involved the following dialogue with an FBI Agent:

Me: "But he doesn’t seem like a con man!"

FBI agent: "Do you think con men announce they’re con men? Did you meet him at church? A self-help meeting?"

Me: "He said he could help me believe in myself again."

FBI agent: (chuckle) "He’s got it down. He’s a predator. You were vulnerable. Did he ask what you did for a living?"

Over the years I’d given so much power away – love, sense, strength, authenticity.

Me: "I told him I was a writer. He wanted to see my work … we walked to a Barnes & Noble."

FBI agent: "Guaranteed, he was calculating your assets before you showed him half your shelf."

That conversation took place five years into a brutal, dishonest, abusive marriage. By that time I’d dropped or been dropped by all my friends. One friend said he felt I was "disappearing." I figured it was because I wore long, flowing things and straw hats. "I don’t mean your clothes," he said. "You. Where are you in there? What happened to Luanne?"

Walking on eggshells changes one’s life. I hid from my friends and family, even from myself. I wrote constantly, two books a year; fiction, intense and emotional, kept me so much saner than life with the man I’d married.

I wound up knocking on the door of an office — Domestic Violence Valley Shore Services. I explained to the woman who answered I probably didn’t belong; after all, my husband had never laid a hand on me. But as I spoke, began to tell my story, I felt myself start to melt, disintegrate, and to this day I can’t believe the howls that came from my body. The wonderful counselors there told me I did belong, that I bore scars inside my body — my heart and spirit — harder to heal than any bruise or broken bone.

My counselor taught me to not call him "my" husband, that it was demeaning to claim someone who was destroying me. "Call him by his name — he’s not yours," she said. I attended the Thursday night group. You could tell the new women: deer frozen in headlights. And the things we would say: "He doesn’t mean it." "He said it would never happen again." "He was abused as a child." We had more compassion for our abusers than for ourselves.

I left my third husband. He hired a celebrity lawyer — an abusive divorce to follow an abusive marriage. They hinted they might subpoena my computer; to them, if I was writing, it meant money. When I heard that — sitting on the witness stand — I felt as if I’d been stabbed. Taking a writer’s computer is like stealing her soul. It was December, and dark — the court recessed for Christmas. I went to my house, grabbed my computer and heaved it into the Long Island Sound. Later, when the subpoena did come, I told them to "dive for it."

57 Reader Comments (so far…) Sign In or Register to comment

we didn’t choose our family but we can choose our friends!!

this quote is so very true and held me thru years when my step-mother (my mothers sister) was a devout (zealot is a better term) jehovah’s witness and i was ostracized because of her religion. since my mother suddenly didn’t celebrate holidays, birthday or go out drinking with the girl. she needed the religion as an AA member would need the 12 step. there was no smoking, drinking or celebrating of holidays. she could never stop herself from smoking, drinking and partying to much i gather.

but the mistake she made was "shoving her beliefs down their throat". so they turned on her and acted like her, my grandmother and myself didn’t exist. we still had contact, but she wasn’t supposed to talk religion to them and they also got mad because she refused holiday gifts. she made a cult out of the JW’s (now they act like a cult more than they did when i was a girl, but that’s neither here nor there. i pretty much stayed away from the family til my children were born and half raised. after i married (to my first abusive husband) i started to quit the religion. when my mother died soon after i really cut it off. i got in touch with my closest cousin (who judged me in another way for being to wild, it figures). he was a deacon of his church and very pious. what’s funny, he could accept his own piousness, but never my mothers, another go fig. i was sort of let back in the family for a while.

but then i went to visit my long estranged uncle and his wife (one evil bitch) after like 20yrs with my teenaged kids. what a mistake that was. now i know why i stayed away so long. that woman is one of the meanest and vilest b-words in california. after we got up there and i started asking questions about my real mother and other holes in my past. we left that weekend realizing that that avenue of family was cut off. then she called my other cousin whom i had gotten back in touch with (the deacans brother) and told him a bunch of BS. so now he isn’t speaking to me because of whatever she said. i guess his religion won’t allow him to at least here my side (or so i have been told). so i stopped trying to make contact. i got the other cousin FINALLY to stop judging me and accept me for me.

so i find good long term friends and they become my family. at least i know they won’t judge me or throw me away because i don’t conform to the norm. i’m just lucky my BFF rachel stuck with me thru both of my abusive marriages and helped pull me out of it without condemning me for being a total idiot in the first place. my ex husband tried to push her away and out of my life. but she just refused to quit and eventually i got the picture and took care of myself.

after that i would never allow a man to hurt me. but i did forget when it came time to marry my ex husbands bother (yes another mistake, luckily he fell far from the tree and was only mentally abusive to me) that there are other forms of abuse and they are very subtle. you would think i would have seen thru his god complex, his gentlemanly but extremly controlling ways and not let him run me down. but i didn’t. some of it was embarrassment. how could i have not known he was an alcoholic? how could i not see everything he did was to be controlling? but it’s so very easy to fall into the trap.

my second husband was a gentleman. opened doors for you, never having to lift a finger with the grocery bags, bought you everything you needed and never wanted you to return the favor (in fact if you opened a door for him he would get really mad). he made me seem like a rare and delicate flower, something i haven’t felt like in a long time because of my weight and health. the problem was he didn’t change over night. it was a slow going process. like chinese water torture. a drop at a time over the next year and a half. by then i was diagnosed with lupus and told i had only a couple years to live. what i didn’t realize was he was why was so sick.

eventually it got to much for him and he asked me and my kids to move out (they were adults by that time). so since i was getting better because i had gone back to my religious roots (not the JW’s) i started feeling better and even got a job. we moved out and then after several months apart we started dating again. but it only took me a few months to see the trend starting again. i kept seeing him for a while because of how generous he was with going out to eat, shopping and such. but even that wore thin and said it’s over and got a divorce the day before my birthday 2005.

we still live in the same small town and have ran into each other off and on. i’m on his families facebook and such. but he isn’t. when a family member died they asked me to look for him of course. but after not being able to find him i told them to get a lawyer because i feared he would go off on me and this time it might be violent. when we have ran into each other, he gives a totally evil look and makes a hasty exit. so i don’t want to deal with him either.

essentially all this is said to prove that it’s easy to fall into a relationship with an asshole, ESPECIALLY if they are good looking, generous and suave. i dated a bit after i broke up with my ex. but so far i haven’t met anybody worthy of me and just decided to turn all my attention to my family and good friends! no abuse there and we all take care of each other. so sometimes you just have to let family go and ONLY deal with those you can deal with. treat it like a death. you mourn them and remember the good times and then get on with your life. also i no longer have 2yrs to live. that was in 2004!

good luck to you Luanne Rice and good health!

By Nancy Pea on 08/22/2009 6:24 pm

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"The Deep Blue Sea For Beginners" — I look forward to reading yet another novel by Luanne Rice. I too loved the computer toss. It was classic. It’s a shame the third of the D-3 couldn’t have been tossed right along with the computer.

By Lady Gator on 08/18/2009 12:26 pm

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When my marriage was going bad I, of course, blamed myself. Met with a preacher (who counseled prisoners). Instead of sympathy he told me (sternly) to stop taking the blame from a master maneuverer. He said when an argument started, just shut up because he would know how to push my buttons and when he achieved what he wanted, he would walk out and spend the night with his buddies or ladies. Then he would come back all contrite, just to do it again when he was in the mood.

In the meantime I was a wreck. This was the best advice I had ever gotten. Dont feed into it, it will empower you after a while and when I finally broke the relationship I felt relief instead of sorrow. This advice works with husbands, sisters, mothers and friends.

Luanne, am glad you have your books. I read them and enjoy.

By Judy K. on 08/18/2009 12:43 pm

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Thank you for sharing your story. I have 2 sisters and like you, our Dad drank, but we preferred it when he didn’t come home. It was better than the inevitable fights between Mom and Dad that ensued.

One of my sisters is mentally handicapped and currently under the spell of a manipulative paraplegic and his con artist family. Legally, there is nothing we can do right now (we’ve consulted with attorneys and the state) so as horrible as it sounds, we’re just hoping he dies soon from his condition before he brainwashes her too badly.

My other sister and I live 10 hours apart, but we’re inseparable. She married a version of our Dad and realized it too late, and I have chosen to remain single. Marriage has made every person I know miserable, and I’m not going to make that mistake.

By Brooke Schubert on 08/18/2009 1:47 pm

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Luanne, I too am no longer in contact with 1/2 sisters that we shared a room growing up. I am sure both sides feel they are "right" in their feelings. Bottom line trying to "make" them love me became quite toxic for me. I agree with what someone else said in this blog…find friends who love you for you. I am so lucky to have a best friend in my sister-in-law and a small circle of best friends who don’t judge…good luck in finding those loving friends. YOu deserve them

By Freda Clement on 08/18/2009 4:02 pm

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My sister died when I was 7 and she was 14. She was institutionalized because she was developmentally disabled. How I wish I could have known her.

By Hollace Widdowfield on 08/18/2009 5:33 pm

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Luanne it was a very beautiful deep book. It really moved me. I am W 2 times and my last fella was like yours in many ways. No more for me. I have 3 Sisters and I speak to only one. My Sister Lee just stopped speaking to me for no reason . I have 2 half Sisters and Deb is way out there and needs help. I consider her not part of my Family any more. She only speaks to Lee. Brenda my other half Sister is close to me and speaks to Lee. I have tried it all to no avail. I need to go back to the Dr as this is weighing on me badly.I think a lot about Deep Blue and I hope all your dreams and wishes come true for you and yours. Do Not ever let any body beat you down ever. Your the best. Thank you again and maybe someday my Sisters and I will be closer.

By Patty Farghaly on 08/18/2009 6:02 pm

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Beautifully written piece Luanne. And I’m so sorry about the psychopath con man. That sucks.

One thing I’d like to just throw out there… I know you’re attached to your therapist. Since you’ve been seeing her since 1983. But maybe you should get a new one. 25 years with the same therapist doesn’t sound healthy.

By Chrome Toe on 08/18/2009 6:08 pm

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I have to agree with Chrome Toe especially since the therapist didn’t recognize or help you with the horrible situation you were in with husband 3. If other people noticed that you weren’t yourself shouldn’t the therapist have noticed too? I am glad that you are on the road to recovery and look forward to reading your new book.

By Linda Czerniak on 08/18/2009 6:31 pm

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I would have to agree with Chrome Toe. I would imagine a therapist would eventually run his/her course — especially if you remained in some terrible marriages. The therapist may be the only constant in your life, and therefore difficult for you to discard — but I think it’s time to do so all the same.

By Lucinda Herbert on 08/19/2009 7:38 am

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Thank you for sharing. I too, have sisters, two of them, Betsy and I speak now and again, she is usually too busy to talk, and she harbors a jealousy for my very existence, and the other? I no longer talk to her because she is, quite frankly, poison to my family, she causes trouble, lies, cheats and then stands back and watches her work and I finally, at the age of 44, decided just because we were related that didn’t mean I had to have her in my life, had she been a friend, I would have cut her loose years ago, I won’t lie, there are days when I miss the Melissa of my youth, but, she died years ago and was replaced by Missy and Missy is, well, just plain evil.

I use her actions as an example to my girls, how not to treat your sister, I want them to grow up depending on one another, life is so sacred, I am reminded of that each and every day, and I want to instill the values of long ago when family was something you could count on always, no matter what……I miss those days.

By Jeannie N on 08/18/2009 6:15 pm

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I can totally relate to you being in marriage #3 with a psychopath. It feels like I’m being punished every day for something I didn’t do. I also know what it feels like to be disappearing. My best friend said the same thing to me. I do have beautiful sisters that I love very much. But I can see how people start falling away from you. I feel like such a failure on one hand and strong on the other. Confused is what I am. Take care of yourself and you are an inspiration!

By belladora smith on 08/18/2009 6:18 pm

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Belladora,

What a terrible place to be. Do you have the emotional strength and the financial means to extricate yourself from what sounds like an intolerable situation? If you truly are strong, pick yourself up and get yourself out of there before you disappear entirely. I suspect if you ask your friend for a hand, she’ll extend it.

By Lucinda Herbert on 08/19/2009 7:51 am

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Thankyou Lucinda, Im working on it! You are kind to respond.

By belladora smith on 08/22/2009 7:37 pm

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belladora, do not let your embarrassment over what you percieve as failure on your part keep you in this relationship. i stayed with my second husband also because i thought i was a failure and it was embarrassing to admit that a 44yr old woman who knows better could fall for it again. but how can we know, when they are sly devils that con us into thinking they are mr wonderful. WHO CARES WHAT ANYBODY THINKS? that should be your motto. it certainly helped me. if somebody judges you they are wrong and do not know your circumstances. GET OUT as soon as you can. just remember this happens to all kinds of women, even those that have never been abused. i certainly wasn’t as a child. just made fun of by other kids. otherwise i had a pretty good home life. so pick yourself up and walk tall. once you start doing that and IGNORE anything your husband says to demean you. you can empower yourself by seeing what a small worm he really is. chances are he will leave you because he cannot deal with somebody that has good self esteem. my second husband couldn’t wait get me out of the house faster (i moved in with him so i left). you know the old saying, "misery loves company"? you know it’s true.

start putting on some nice clothes, wear what ever make up you like (or none at all), fix your hair up nice and show an "i look great" smile on your face. it will knock him for a loop. then when he says you look like a two bit whore, say "sorry but you cannot afford me!" and walk right out the door. call a gf to meet you and go see a movie or go out to eat. he isn’t the only person in your universe, but he certainly is a small, evil and controlling part of it.

good luck bella and please take care, i will keep you in my chants. please keep us posted!

By Nancy Pea on 08/22/2009 7:13 pm