Bravo to you Ruth Charny for doing what most of us do not have the emotional strength to do.  The low point in parent/child relations most likely came about because for the first time in our country’s history, children were looked upon by their parents as something they could spoil, pamper, and give ‘what they never had’.  Of course this made selfish oafs out of most and doing one’s own thing became the mantra for all.  A sense of obligation to one’s parents and grandparents disappeared as easily as one could pack a bag and move a thousand or more miles away.  The words family and disfunctional became redundant and  reality could be created with credit cards and using one’s home as a bank where constant withdrawals could be made. Everything became sanitized as this dream of a perfect life took form so naturally when parents became elderly and infirmed they could be placed where strangers would take the place of family.

Moving a parent in is so much more than an opportunity to correct a wrong, it is an expression of being truly human (humane) and perhaps touching on being divine.

I would give anything to have either of my parents alive to offer them the option of living with me. How beautiful and special it is to reach out and give your parents a chance to live with you. To feel vibrant, alive, loved and cherished in their old age.

We hear so much about the elderly being neglected, set aside, merely watching the clock for their last moments on Earth.  I would think that any child would want to give their aging parent(s) a home in which they can feel a part of the family and contribute in one way or another. I often listen to friends who complain about their parents. All I can do is quietly wish mine were still alive.

You never know what you have until it is gone.

It was a great article. Belinda, LC. Phyllis, Nan & Cheryl your words have warmed  my heart this morning.  I’m an aging parent of 63.  Thank god I am still healthy & active.  I have watched love one pass on and was thankful I was able to keep them home with me.  I have a loving daughter & son and two grandsons.  I did spoil them somwhat but they grew up to be wonderful caring human beings.  My only hope is when My husband & I can no longer take care of ourselves that they would take us in.  My guess is they would.  I just don’t want to be a burden to them.  So I already express that to them.  Just as long as they visit a lot if I can’t grow old gracefully.

What I’m experiencing with friends is their children moving back in with them during these terrible times.  The young ones are losing their homes and the elders who were fiscally responsible are taking them in.

These post were a pleasant read this morning and my day is brighter for it.  Thanks

Why It’s Not Always Cool To Move Your Mother In With You

or

Why I’ll Never Be As Cool As Ruth Charny

My mother and Ruth Charny are of the same generation but surely the similarity begins and ends there.  I applaud Ruth Charny for having the love and guts required to take on the challenge of caring for her elderly parent.  My mother’s mother passed away long before I was ever born.  According to reliable sources she was a wonderful woman whose full impact on her community was unknown to her family until masses of people showed up to pay their final respects for her.  I refer to my mother’s generation as the "If it feels good do it!" generation - the seedlings that would flourish into narcissistic USA.  Certainly most of that generation are not narcissistic but the culture cultivated the pathologic ideaolgy by fiercly supporting/defending the flawed philosophy.  It was not my grandmother upon which my mother projected an intolerant and "an inflated need to be seen as cool … into a recklessly cruel assault on all things (parental)."  It was not my grandmother that my mother resented and hoisted blame upon for life’s mishaps, mistakes or missed opportunities - it was her own children.  Hope springs eternal that our mother will someday understand the give and take of healthy loving relationships but unless or until that time her tempestuous company causes her children anxiety and wariness.  If my grandmother were alive today I’d certainly insist that she come live with me and I’d shower her with all the care, attention and love that she could handle - cool or not.  Absent that opportunity I’d do all that I could to ensure that she at least did not have to live under my mother’s thorny care.  Life has taught me to never say never -but- I know that moving my mother into my home would be, to put it mildly, a mistake for me.  

Another good article - keep them coming!

Thanks, Ruth Charny, for a thoughtful and articulate piece.  And Kostas, I’m completely in agreement with you; however we can make it happen, I want my mother to feel secure and trouble-free.  

This is a complex issue.  My mother lives in a retirement community right now, but may wind up coming to live with me.  She hates aging, and the losses that inevitably come with that, so right now, her independence is paramount to all of us.  But the economy’s effect on the finances of the elderly in her town, and so on her retirement home’s future, may force her to move.  Until then, my family is focused on helping her preserve her independence.  Should she need to move, we’ll just have to adapt, and continue to promote her well-being, whatever form that takes.