The Liz Smith Column | 08/02/2009 11:00 pm
Liz Smith: Nothing 'Eternal' Between Madonna and Guy
Our Gossip Girl is back in town! Red wine body-dunking for Teri Hatcher
… Catherine Zeta-Jones, bored in Bermuda … Martha Stewart’s shoe secrets … GQ misfires.
Madonna © WireImage
"American women aren’t accustomed to chivalry!" said Irene Dunne in 1937’s "The Awful Truth."
***
Well, one American woman not accustomed to chivalry – based on the expensive end of her marriage – is Madonna. The Big M had to pay big time to British director Guy Ritchie to finalize their divorce after eight intermittently blissful years. (The bliss was wearing thin by year four.)
So, it comes as a hilarious rumor that Madonna has penned a song dedicated to Guy, entitled "Eternal Love." Nope! Not that Madonna doesn’t believe in eternal love. Underneath her steely refusal to be publicly vulnerable she is a dedicated romantic. But she ain’t pining for Mr. Ritchie. They are civil and "amicable" because of their son, Rocco (and Guy is said also to be fond of David Banda, the little boy from Malawi, not to mention Madonna’s daughter Lourdes). That’s as far as it goes. Madonna did offer two songs on her last album that seemed to reference her soon-to-be-ex: "Miles Away" and "The Devil Wouldn’t Recognize You." Neither indicated hope for their relationship.
Madonna has written a new song, "Celebration," that will be a part of her coming Greatest Hits collection, a massive effort that is also titled "Celebration." This set will include most of her most famous videos as well. It will be La Ciccone’s final album for Warner Records, her home label for 25 years. And the star is still keeping company with beautiful and devoted Jesus Luz. She is not missing the emotional distance of Guy Ritchie
***
I’m afraid no mention of Madonna right now could ignore the infamous photo of her from London, with seriously over-stressed and sinewy arms. Madonna has been – for my taste – too thin and too worked out for a long time. (Although when you meet her in person, she appears much less muscular than in pictures!) But I think this particular photograph was altered a bit to make the worst of a bad moment. Other shots from that same night show her as thin and wiry, but not grotesque.
Maybe once she’s off this final leg of her tour, she’ll relax, eat some fatty foods and put on a few. It’s difficult to be anything but muscle from head to toe when you do what she does every night onstage for two hours.
***
Speaking of keeping oneself beautiful, "Desperate Housewife" Teri Hatcher has her own way of maintaining skin that looks oh-so-kissable in low-cut gowns in broad daylight. She adds a glass of red wine to her bath each night. She believes the antioxidants in the vino help fight off bacteria on her skin, giving it a touchably healthy glow.
Teri Hatcher/Image: Greg Hernandez/Flickr
Well, this is a lot less messy than Hungary’s seventeenth-century Countess Elizabeth Bathory, who bathed in the blood of virgins in an effort to maintain her dewy looks. This would be impossible today. Where could you find a virgin in Hollywood?
***
"Peace and quiet is for cemeteries," said somebody – Bette Davis, I think, a woman whose entire life was a self-propelled battle.
The gorgeous Catherine Zeta-Jones perhaps agrees with this sentiment. Recently, Mrs. Michael Douglas stayed an extra ten days at their beach house in Bermuda after Michael took the kids, Dylan and Carys, to New York, preparing for the sequel to "Wall Street" and that Liberace bio-pic (I’ll believe that one when I see it). At first, Catherine was blissful in her solitude. Pretty soon, however, enough was enough. One can gather only so many seashells by the seashore.
Catherine Zeta-Jones/Image: Lilian Anna Riashi/Flickr
She phoned her good friend, hairdresser Lorenzo Martin, and said: Come on down to Bermuda, honey, I’ll pay! So he did (who wouldn’t?) and they had a ball, walking on the beach, tanning, shopping, eating out. Oh, and gossiping, natch.
***
Well, one American woman not accustomed to chivalry – based on the expensive end of her marriage – is Madonna. The Big M had to pay big time to British director Guy Ritchie to finalize their divorce after eight intermittently blissful years. (The bliss was wearing thin by year four.)
So, it comes as a hilarious rumor that Madonna has penned a song dedicated to Guy, entitled "Eternal Love." Nope! Not that Madonna doesn’t believe in eternal love. Underneath her steely refusal to be publicly vulnerable she is a dedicated romantic. But she ain’t pining for Mr. Ritchie. They are civil and "amicable" because of their son, Rocco (and Guy is said also to be fond of David Banda, the little boy from Malawi, not to mention Madonna’s daughter Lourdes). That’s as far as it goes. Madonna did offer two songs on her last album that seemed to reference her soon-to-be-ex: "Miles Away" and "The Devil Wouldn’t Recognize You." Neither indicated hope for their relationship.
Madonna has written a new song, "Celebration," that will be a part of her coming Greatest Hits collection, a massive effort that is also titled "Celebration." This set will include most of her most famous videos as well. It will be La Ciccone’s final album for Warner Records, her home label for 25 years. And the star is still keeping company with beautiful and devoted Jesus Luz. She is not missing the emotional distance of Guy Ritchie
***
I’m afraid no mention of Madonna right now could ignore the infamous photo of her from London, with seriously over-stressed and sinewy arms. Madonna has been – for my taste – too thin and too worked out for a long time. (Although when you meet her in person, she appears much less muscular than in pictures!) But I think this particular photograph was altered a bit to make the worst of a bad moment. Other shots from that same night show her as thin and wiry, but not grotesque.
Maybe once she’s off this final leg of her tour, she’ll relax, eat some fatty foods and put on a few. It’s difficult to be anything but muscle from head to toe when you do what she does every night onstage for two hours.
***
Speaking of keeping oneself beautiful, "Desperate Housewife" Teri Hatcher has her own way of maintaining skin that looks oh-so-kissable in low-cut gowns in broad daylight. She adds a glass of red wine to her bath each night. She believes the antioxidants in the vino help fight off bacteria on her skin, giving it a touchably healthy glow.
Teri Hatcher/Image: Greg Hernandez/Flickr
Well, this is a lot less messy than Hungary’s seventeenth-century Countess Elizabeth Bathory, who bathed in the blood of virgins in an effort to maintain her dewy looks. This would be impossible today. Where could you find a virgin in Hollywood?
***
"Peace and quiet is for cemeteries," said somebody – Bette Davis, I think, a woman whose entire life was a self-propelled battle.
The gorgeous Catherine Zeta-Jones perhaps agrees with this sentiment. Recently, Mrs. Michael Douglas stayed an extra ten days at their beach house in Bermuda after Michael took the kids, Dylan and Carys, to New York, preparing for the sequel to "Wall Street" and that Liberace bio-pic (I’ll believe that one when I see it). At first, Catherine was blissful in her solitude. Pretty soon, however, enough was enough. One can gather only so many seashells by the seashore.
Catherine Zeta-Jones/Image: Lilian Anna Riashi/Flickr
She phoned her good friend, hairdresser Lorenzo Martin, and said: Come on down to Bermuda, honey, I’ll pay! So he did (who wouldn’t?) and they had a ball, walking on the beach, tanning, shopping, eating out. Oh, and gossiping, natch.
Read more about: Bette Davis, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Celebrities, David Banda, David Letterman, Dr. O. Wayne Isom, Elizabeth Bathory, Gossip, Guy Ritchie, Irene Dunne, Jesus Luz, Larry King, Liz Smith, Lorenzo Martin, Lourdes, Madonna, Martha Stewart, Michael Douglas, Michael Paterniti, News, Nikki Haskell, Regis Philbin, Sammy's Roumanian Steakhouse, Stephen Ryan, Teri Hatcher, The Liz Smith Column
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13 Reader Comments (so far…) Sign In or Register to comment
Welcome back, Liz Smith. Perhaps Madonna penned a song of eternal love dedicated to Guy to apprise him of the fact such love requires a younger guy.
Peace and grace
Someone at GQ was asleep at the wheel for sure. And that is the best case scenario. Very distasteful indeed.
Liz, I am SO much in agreement on the GQ stories. It seems indicative of the way our culture has rapidly become incapable of drawing a line - any line! What is it? Is it the love for snarky humor? Is it some sort of post-modern irony? Is it a race to prove how "sophisticated" we are, how unshockable? Whatever it is that makes it seem perfectly OK to juxtapose a story about the atrocities of the Khmer Rouge with a romp through movie violence and gore - include me out. Not saying GQ should always run only serious journalistic pieces, or stick exclusively to pop-culture fun pieces - just that there should maybe have been a tad bit of editorial restraint exercised here. "Real" violence and gore is not to be avoided: after all, if we don’t look at it head on, no matter how horrific, how will we ever come to the point where we can end it, heal the wounds, and most of all NEVER repeat it? But don’t demean it or trivialize it, even - as I suspect - GQ unintentionally did.
I saw the photo of Madonna’s ropy arms, too. This also brings up the "real" vs "pop" issue. It’s all too easy nowadays to photo shop - and we have a plethora of tabloid rags to prove it, don’t we? I’d say Madonna is fighting hard to stave off the effects of aging, and that’s just fine with me. She makes her living in the public eye, she needs to be strong and physically powerful to press on with these marathon world tours, and she obviously works out long and hard. So there’s the photo of her muscled, stringy arms and folks criticizing her. On the other side? Jessica Simpson gained a few while dating her football fella, wore a pair of high-waisted jeans, and there’s the photo of her onstage, all hips and booty and folks criticizing her. When it comes to women’s bodies, may I quote Rodney King? Why can’t we all just get along?
Welcome Back Liz!
Well it’s about time! I love hearing about women who have been ordered to pay men obscene amounts of money from a divorce. In my world and profession, I see just the opposite far too often. Because the sad reality is, even if they are affluent, it is the woman that comes out ahead in divorces. This is one area where sexism works in our advantage. Because most judges who are male still view women as the weaker sex, more vulnerable and in need of assistance.
Something tells me Guy had a really good divorce attorney.
Liz honey you gotta know I love you, but… wasn’t David adopted by both Madonna & Guy Ritchie? The boys are brothers, Guy is their father, Madonna is their mother. The older daughter has another father, so guy is her ex-step-father and the boys are her brothers. Mercy, I assume was adopted by just Madonna, so she has a sister, brothers & a mother.
It drives me nuts that people refer to this adorable little boy as ‘David Banda, the little boy Madonna adopted’. HELLO! Once your adopted, you belong to the family & they to you. By the way, is this kids last name Banda? Wouldn’t it be Ritchie? Or Ciccone, if Madonna adopted him without Guy. I bet when Madonna introduces her children she says ‘these are my sons, Rocco & David’ not ‘this is my son Rocco & the little boy I adopted David Banda’.
Liz can you please (pretty please) lead the way & start referring to Madonna’s children as her sons & daughters without the adjectives related to exactly how they came to be. Mommas love their babies no matter how they came or how old they become. Same thing for dads, only some how that bond seems more fragile.
Nothing is eternal between Madonna and anyone except Madonna. She is her first thought in the morning, most probably and her last thought at night. In the meantime, what’s become of the newly adopted daughter? I know that none of the kids have been over exposed to the press, which is a good thing. But off she (Madonna) goes to another concert date in almost record time after Mercy is brought to America. How do you call that motherhood?
Not a fan of Madonna…but I am sure she won’t miss me. Like her ex husband’s film sensibility…so I choose him over her.