"Splitting the United States into two nations is a bit extreme … Think of the possibilities. In a new nation fashioned out of the current red states – call it, for the sake of argument, Limbaughland – the federal tax rate could be cut to 10%. Medicaid and Medicare and Social Security would be abolished, abortion would be illegal, gays would be closeted again and Christianity would be the official state religion. Anyone could buy any kind of gun, no questions asked.

"In the current blue states, which we will call ObamaNation, the federal tax rate would top out at 90%; all employers would institute quotas for minorities, women and less-able people; and you’d get your health care from a single-payer system like Canada’s. Fast food and guns would be banned, while gay marriage and marijuana would be legal.

"Voila! No more rancor, leaving only one remaining problem; What would we all feel so aggrieved about?"

So asks William Falk in his sardonic solution to the radical problems facing the nation. This appeared in my all-time favorite publication The Week – and if you aren’t reading this little weekly – well, it’s the only way to keep up. Try TheWeek.com.

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The Countess LuAnn de Lesseps will be accompanied by Houston’s top decorating maven, Bill Stubbs, when she films on the site of the Fete de Swifty come September 23. (This charity bash happens at 73rd Street and Lexington Avenue and benefits the Mayor’s Fund to Advance NYC. We have been building shelters for battered women and children with the money that comes in to this, the nation’s premier cocktail party.)

The countess, star of the "Bravo" hit TV series "The Real Housewives of New York," is hoping to nab Mayor Bloomberg for a bit appearance.

Incidentally, on the very day his commissioners announced they’d begin an effort to ban smoking in certain public places, like New York parks, the Mayor himself received the Mary Woodard Lasker Public Service Award for his effective campaign to stop smoking in the city. This amounts to $250,000 in what is described as "America’s Nobel prizes," and I am sure Mayor Mike will plow his dough right back into city charities, as he usually does.

This mayor doesn’t let his right hand know what his left is doing and he gives to many charities that hardly know he is their very private, unsung donor.

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On the very week The New Yorker magazine did its magnificent Patricia Marx article called "Chicago Style," telling you what’s going on in the Windy City … there I was smack in the heart of Chicago making appearances at the posh Casino Club for two separate audiences. My first night group was a sparkle of brilliantly dressed ladies and their consorts, and the next day, young businesswomen summoned there by Citibank’s successful "Women & Co." This is an idea dreamed up by former Hillary Clinton aide, the smarty Lisa Caputo, who thinks women are the answer to all banking problems.

From all this genial schmoozing, I was again impressed by Chicago’s openness, its architecture, its clean midtown streets and its friendliness. It was a pleasure to be with the city’s famous gossip and entertainment columnist, Bill Zwecker of the Chicago Sun-Times. He tells me his faltering newspaper is in the middle now of big deals to save itself. Zwecker is one of a kind; there is nothing going on in show business that he isn’t privy to. He is one of the good guys!

One odd thing about Chicago: The good folks in that city are very worried about what the coming Olympics might do to their town should they earn the prize. They all seem to have an inferiority complex about what would happen to their way of life from all the hullabaloo. I say, "Relax! It’s going to be great for Chicago and for America."