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Q & A | 07/30/2009 10:00 am

The 'Ongoing After' of Grief: A Mother Copes With Her Young Son's Suicide (Video)

Dana Perry, director of ‘Boy Interrupted,’ shares the story of her 15-year-old son’s life and death and her own steps toward healing through filmmaking
Dana and Evan Perry © Hart Perry

Editor’s Note: On October 2, 2005, Dana Perry’s 15-year-old son, Evan, committed suicide by jumping from his bedroom window. Nearly four years later comes "Boy Interrupted," a film by Dana and her husband, Hart, with executive producer Sheila Nevins. The film traces Evan’s illness over the course of his life, and features the Perrys’ home videos, personal photographs and interviews with various people in Evan’s life. Dana sat down with wOw recently to talk about her son’s life and death, hindsight and regret, her thoughts on moving forward and the strength she’s found in action. "Boy Interrupted" will premiere on HBO Monday, August 3, as part of the HBO Summer Documentary Series.

WOWOWOW: Dana, hello. I have to tell you right off the bat that I watched "Boy Interrupted" over the weekend and it took my breath away. I had to watch it in two pieces.

DANA PERRY: It’s a lot to ask, I think. I always feel like apologizing because it’s just so heavy.

WOW: You shouldn’t apologize. If anything, viewers should thank you for sharing this story because it’s so powerful, it’s so touching and it’s such an important topic.

DANA: I just know it’s very hard to ask people to sit through it. From my standpoint it’s sort of like, here’s all my shit. You know what I mean?

WOW: I do.

The film is like a stop on the highway of grief ... There's a before and after Evan's life and death... and there is the ongoing after of grieving.

DANA: It’s difficult when people don’t really know what to say, since it makes them uncomfortable, which is all, I think, fine and good. It means that we’ve touched a nerve, of course. But I’m a little shy about it, just because it’s so intense.

WOW: Could you go into the back story, for the readers who haven’t seen the film yet?

Watch a clip from "Boy Interrupted":

Get the Flash Player to view this video.

Video courtesy of HBO

DANA: The film "Boy Interrupted" is a documentary about my son Evan. He was diagnosed as bipolar when he was 11 years old, following a suicide attempt. And finally, at the age of 15, he did commit suicide. The film is the story of both his life and his death, and his illness and its impact on his world – his friends, his family, us. I’m the mother, I’m also the filmmaker, which is, I think, somewhat unusual. My husband, Hart, was the director of photography. So it’s very much a family affair. We’ve been filmmakers and have had a company producing documentaries for 20 years now and it’s very much our family business. Evan himself was a budding filmmaker. As he got older, around 13 to 15, he started working with us and also making his own films, which are included in "Boy Interrupted." So I probably covered our family life more extensively than a normal person, although everybody takes home movies and really that’s all the film is made of, is home movies, in the sense that we weren’t shooting Evan’s ups and downs for the purpose of the film by any means. That was never an intention while he was alive.

WOW: But yet you caught those moments, those ups and downs, those extremes. You caught them on film.

DANA:
At the time you shoot them and put them in the closet. And I think that’s what most people do. They take videos and then put them away for years. And it was the same thing for us. We were just either on vacation or playing with a new camera, maybe, or working on a project for Evan’s school, shooting various things, and it really didn’t have much meaning at all. Then after he died and I started to go through all the movies and photographs, I started to see profoundly shocking moments that illustrated his illness that I did not see, or take note of, while we were shooting them or while he was alive. I was kind of surprised at how revealing they were.

WOW: Do you remember the first time that you thought to yourself that maybe Evan’s mind was in a darker place than that of other kids?

DANA: I should start by saying that Evan was my firstborn. He has an older half-brother, my stepson, but I was a very young mother. I had this baby, my first one. I didn’t know the difference between anything. First-time mothers are like, "Oh, this is what it’s like. Oh, OK. I get it." And I just thought, "Well, all babies cry all the time and need to be held constantly and don’t go to sleep easily." So even as a baby he was a little bit more restless and cried more I think, and was hungrier and needier than other babies. I can’t really say because I didn’t have much to compare it to. But certainly by the time he was a toddler, his behavior started to seem unusual to us.

32 Reader Comments (so far…) Sign In or Register to comment

J Holmes
WOWOWOW, Thank you for posting this interview. Dana’s  answer which started with "Yeah, there is such enormous stigma attached to both mental illness and suicide.  It really pisses me off, actually,to tell you the truth, because I don’t know what we are afraid to talk about…" says it all.  I am looking forward seeing the HBO show.
By J Holmes on 07/30/2009 10:42 am
Sondra Leonard
My son also commited suicide. He was older, 21.  It is the most terrible thing that a parent can go through.  You feel the guilt, what could I have done, and the despaire.  I was surrounded by people who gave me a lot of support and listened to me.  I found that was the most important thing - talk about it.  I miss my son each and every day and am grateful that he was a part to my life even if it was for just a while.
By Sondra Leonard on 07/30/2009 11:17 am
James the Game
That’s good, Sondra. :-)
By James the Game on 07/30/2009 6:57 pm
Deirdre Cerasa
My heartfelt sympathy to Dana and Hart.  What a beautiful boy!  Thank you for sharing him with us.  I look forward to seeing the documentary on HBO.
By Deirdre Cerasa on 07/30/2009 11:24 am
Bethany Christian

I cannot speak for a child with bi-polar but I was diagnosed 20 years ago (I’m now 2).  At first I couldn’t wait to find a bridge abutment to run my car into - then trying different drugs or combinations of drugs - then finding out after a few years that your body has become used to those drugs and you have to go through the process of finding a different drug.  I went through the drinking phase when I was in my 20-30’s later found that was masking symptoms.  

I cannot imagine what any of this would be like for a child.  

One day I went to a reading group (this was about 2 years after I was diagnosed).  We sat in a circle and introduced ourselves and told the group something about ourselves.  I included that I wa bi-polar and the lady next to me moved her chair away from me.  That is when I realized bi-polar did not define me it was a part of me.  But a young person cannot process that information as readily.  It must be a heavy burden for them to carry.

 

By Bethany Christian on 07/30/2009 11:31 am
Andrea Brandon

It’s important for people to know that substance abuse and the potential for suicide is much higher in people with Bipolar Disorder. Psychiatric drugs are the saving grace.

I dear friend of mine, Bipolar since her teens [thought it wasn’t diagnosed until later] and now age 86, has demonstrated that a meaningful and full and normal life can be had with minimal cycling if you keep with the treatment regimen and have supporting friends. 

Good luck, Bethany.

 

By Andrea Brandon on 07/30/2009 2:06 pm
Karen R

to find a bridge abutment to run my car into

So often I’ve wondered about those risk taking teens who usually get branded instead of helped. A short time ago we had a carload of kids killed trying to beat a train. A few days ago another three were killed when their car plowed into a brick wall-sign at 90 m.p.h.

The stigma still remains huge, especially for men - so many not asking for help, so many of all ages lost.

By Karen R on 07/30/2009 5:30 pm
James the Game

Yeah, those were tragic stories, Karen. I read where an off-duty officer saw the speeding car. Supposedly, they were on their way to a friend’s house to cheer her up.

I’m thankful for my Christian faith, which has held me in stead during some extremely trying times - most of my life, actually. I’m on Zoloft right now for dysthymia and a specific social phobia. God speed to all those affected by these tragedies.

By James the Game on 07/30/2009 7:01 pm
Yadira Keroes

I cannot imagine what you went through. But I often wonder about my daughter. She was born with a congenital heart defect: Pulmonary Atresia with VSD. I see how she’s grown so much: she’s 9 months & crawling. And I wonder about  the troubles that she’ll face. And I wonder how we’ll help her when she’s feeling down and out. Thank you for the article. It makes me think twice if this problem should ever arise with our little one. She’s come a long way, from open heart surgery at 11 days old, to 1 catheterization and long hospitalization that you cannot imagine. It is a terrible burden to carry the death of a child. I will look forward to seeing the documentary this weekend. Thank you for sharing and know, that those who critic something they’ve never experienced, they’re scared. They’re scared because they don’t know what they’d do in your feet. So they lash out ridicules comments and spew their opinions on you. Hear all but take in only that which suits your soul. You did the best you could with the situation you we’re given. And you two are great people for showing it on film.

By Yadira Keroes on 07/30/2009 1:56 pm
Andrea Brandon

Dana, thanks for letting us view your cathartic documentary. This subject is meaningful to me since my friend’s 19 year old daughter and her best friend committed suicide together two years ago.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/02/03/AR2007020300986.html

  

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c5BwNgvmqkA

By Andrea Brandon on 07/30/2009 2:08 pm
Lizzie R.
I look forward to seeing your documentary, as it will be so relevant for me. My son, too, had a lot of problems. This was in the early 60s when little attention was paid to this, and children who might be a problem were discounted as "troublemakers" rather than the possibility they might have a serious problem. Kip was seen by many professionals in his young life, who tested him and found his IQ to be very high, so we were told he was understimulated and to just cope. There were no special schools back then and little help. When he reached adolesence he started drinking and using drugs to self-medicate himself. The shrink he was seeing at the time suggested hospitalization, as we had learned he took the bus to school, but never arrived. He was sent to a very expensive facility in Georgetown where he was finally placed on medication, and received his schooling there. He seemed to be doing better, but kept runing away & coming back drunk, which kept him there longer. One time he tried to hang himself in the facility, which was just terrible to have happen when he was in a treatment center. We had to go to family/group therapy weekly and it was a very stresssful time for all of us. At the end of 10 mths. he was sent to another facility in Texas to finish high school. He was a brilliant boy and a wonderful son, and showed no signs of any mental problems. He was just very depressed and sad so much of the time. He graduated high school and returned home, where he saw another psychiatrist who put him on lithium. He seemed to be doing quite well at that time. We were transferred to Omaha where he saw another shrink there and started going to AA, since alcohol was still a problem for him, but he was centered and our life once again was not chaotic. My husband retired from the military & we returned to CA, where we had a home. Things started going bad once again, and eventually he resumed his drinking. One night he went out and never came home, as was killed while driving his motorcycle very drunk. His shrink & I both thought it was suicide, as he was too brilliant to ever drive with that much alcohol in his system…it was waaaay beyond any upper limits. After his death I found journals in his room where he had written about his desperate  sadness. I always think to myself that he died of sadness and what a tragedy that his life had to be that way, even with all the help he was offered. I share my grief with Dana and Hart, as I saw many others like her throughout the treatment years. You so badly want to help your child, can offer help, yet remain helpless throughout it all.  It is wonderful that she has been able to do this as a catharsis for herself , and for others in the same situation to be able to share this for our own benefit. Somehow, you always have the feeling you made a mistake along the way, even with all the treatment.
By Lizzie R. on 07/30/2009 3:16 pm
Chrome Toe
Hugs Lizzie…. beautiful profound and moving post.
By Chrome Toe on 07/30/2009 9:51 pm
Brenda Buck

Lizzie,

I have a close relative that has attempted suicide twice. It is so hard. We are getting treatment for him/her and is on medication but the last attempt was to take all the medication at once. When admitted to the hospital the insurance only covered 7 days and he/she was released before the immediate crisis mode was over. Even when you see it coming and are trying to help there is only so much you can do. My relative is only 17 and unless you can lock them up and keep an eye on them 24/7 there is always the chance that next time they will succeed. Sometimes seeing all the signs cannot prevent a suicide. All we can do is open up the communications and support the parents and be understanding and not place blame. When the attempt is made they are not in sound mind. When the attempt fails and they recover they are so glad they did not follow thru. But the next crisis is always around the corner

By Brenda Buck on 08/01/2009 6:03 am
Susan Thomas
It is so hard to connect with someone when they are in the grip of despair. My husband’s brother killed himeself when he was 17 years old with a rifle to his chest. At the last minute he tried to plug the hole in his chest, but it killed him. I have struggled with bouts of depression (I have fibromyalgia) and I know the sorrow that you can feel. Sometimes I think if we could just show our young people how much they will be missed and that to change your life or to stop living because you feel so badly at this moment in time is not the answer they really want, then maybe we could make a change. My heart breaks for all the people suffering. I hop someday we can break this terrible chain. May God bless her and all those who have lost someone by suicide.
By Susan Thomas on 07/30/2009 5:50 pm
joanne in jax

The fifteen year old daughter of one of my oldest friends hung herself almost two years ago.  Two days earlier, she had tried to cut her wrists, and was sent home from the emergency room, after a psych consult, telling her and her mother that it had been a ‘half-hearted’ attempt, and without referring her to other treatment, sent her home and told her to return to school.  My dear friend came home to find her hanging, cut her down while calling 911 and trying to administer CPR.  She had been dead for some time. She was obviously not ‘half-hearted’ that time.

My point is to thank Dana for her candor and exposing her grief, and to WOW for posting this insightful, touching post.  My friend (since jr. high) is very accomplished and noted (published in professional journals) worldwide for her work in the mental health field.  Her devastating death is not only ironic to her, but has her questioning her ability to help others ("How can I presume to help other children after I missed what was going on with my own child."). 

I will be spending a week with her at her beach house next month, and have been anxious about discussing this tragedy with her.  I think I’ll just do what I did when I last saw her, less than two months after her daughter’s death, and just listen.  Only, this time around, I have a much better understanding that her grief is unrelenting, and that all I have to give her is my love and everlasting support.  I’m happy that she has found some peace by escaping from her demanding profession, and taking in the joys and healing that our wonderful beaches provide.

Another thing that Dana’s interview helped me with:  I had been looking at various venues to volunteer, and now I know where to put my efforts.  Thank you, again, Dana and WOW.

JO

By joanne in jax on 07/30/2009 8:14 pm