Q & A | 07/30/2009 10:00 am
The 'Ongoing After' of Grief: A Mother Copes With Her Young Son's Suicide (Video)

Editor’s Note: On October 2, 2005, Dana Perry’s 15-year-old son, Evan, committed suicide by jumping from his bedroom window. Nearly four years later comes "Boy Interrupted," a film by Dana and her husband, Hart, with executive producer Sheila Nevins. The film traces Evan’s illness over the course of his life, and features the Perrys’ home videos, personal photographs and interviews with various people in Evan’s life. Dana sat down with wOw recently to talk about her son’s life and death, hindsight and regret, her thoughts on moving forward and the strength she’s found in action. "Boy Interrupted" will premiere on HBO Monday, August 3, as part of the HBO Summer Documentary Series.
WOWOWOW: Dana, hello. I have to tell you right off the bat that I watched "Boy Interrupted" over the weekend and it took my breath away. I had to watch it in two pieces.
DANA PERRY: It’s a lot to ask, I think. I always feel like apologizing because it’s just so heavy.
WOW: You shouldn’t apologize. If anything, viewers should thank you for sharing this story because it’s so powerful, it’s so touching and it’s such an important topic.
DANA: I just know it’s very hard to ask people to sit through it. From my standpoint it’s sort of like, here’s all my shit. You know what I mean?
WOW: I do.
| The film is like a stop on the highway of grief ... There's a before and after Evan's life and death... and there is the ongoing after of grieving. |
DANA: It’s difficult when people don’t really know what to say, since it makes them uncomfortable, which is all, I think, fine and good. It means that we’ve touched a nerve, of course. But I’m a little shy about it, just because it’s so intense.
WOW: Could you go into the back story, for the readers who haven’t seen the film yet?
Watch a clip from "Boy Interrupted":
Video courtesy of HBO
DANA: The film "Boy Interrupted" is a documentary about my son Evan. He was diagnosed as bipolar when he was 11 years old, following a suicide attempt. And finally, at the age of 15, he did commit suicide. The film is the story of both his life and his death, and his illness and its impact on his world – his friends, his family, us. I’m the mother, I’m also the filmmaker, which is, I think, somewhat unusual. My husband, Hart, was the director of photography. So it’s very much a family affair. We’ve been filmmakers and have had a company producing documentaries for 20 years now and it’s very much our family business. Evan himself was a budding filmmaker. As he got older, around 13 to 15, he started working with us and also making his own films, which are included in "Boy Interrupted." So I probably covered our family life more extensively than a normal person, although everybody takes home movies and really that’s all the film is made of, is home movies, in the sense that we weren’t shooting Evan’s ups and downs for the purpose of the film by any means. That was never an intention while he was alive.
WOW: But yet you caught those moments, those ups and downs, those extremes. You caught them on film.
DANA: At the time you shoot them and put them in the closet. And I think that’s what most people do. They take videos and then put them away for years. And it was the same thing for us. We were just either on vacation or playing with a new camera, maybe, or working on a project for Evan’s school, shooting various things, and it really didn’t have much meaning at all. Then after he died and I started to go through all the movies and photographs, I started to see profoundly shocking moments that illustrated his illness that I did not see, or take note of, while we were shooting them or while he was alive. I was kind of surprised at how revealing they were.
WOW: Do you remember the first time that you thought to yourself that maybe Evan’s mind was in a darker place than that of other kids?
DANA: I should start by saying that Evan was my firstborn. He has an older half-brother, my stepson, but I was a very young mother. I had this baby, my first one. I didn’t know the difference between anything. First-time mothers are like, "Oh, this is what it’s like. Oh, OK. I get it." And I just thought, "Well, all babies cry all the time and need to be held constantly and don’t go to sleep easily." So even as a baby he was a little bit more restless and cried more I think, and was hungrier and needier than other babies. I can’t really say because I didn’t have much to compare it to. But certainly by the time he was a toddler, his behavior started to seem unusual to us.























32 Reader Comments (so far…) Sign In or Register to comment
I cannot speak for a child with bi-polar but I was diagnosed 20 years ago (I’m now 2). At first I couldn’t wait to find a bridge abutment to run my car into - then trying different drugs or combinations of drugs - then finding out after a few years that your body has become used to those drugs and you have to go through the process of finding a different drug. I went through the drinking phase when I was in my 20-30’s later found that was masking symptoms.
I cannot imagine what any of this would be like for a child.
One day I went to a reading group (this was about 2 years after I was diagnosed). We sat in a circle and introduced ourselves and told the group something about ourselves. I included that I wa bi-polar and the lady next to me moved her chair away from me. That is when I realized bi-polar did not define me it was a part of me. But a young person cannot process that information as readily. It must be a heavy burden for them to carry.
It’s important for people to know that substance abuse and the potential for suicide is much higher in people with Bipolar Disorder. Psychiatric drugs are the saving grace.
I dear friend of mine, Bipolar since her teens [thought it wasn’t diagnosed until later] and now age 86, has demonstrated that a meaningful and full and normal life can be had with minimal cycling if you keep with the treatment regimen and have supporting friends.
Good luck, Bethany.
So often I’ve wondered about those risk taking teens who usually get branded instead of helped. A short time ago we had a carload of kids killed trying to beat a train. A few days ago another three were killed when their car plowed into a brick wall-sign at 90 m.p.h.
The stigma still remains huge, especially for men - so many not asking for help, so many of all ages lost.
Yeah, those were tragic stories, Karen. I read where an off-duty officer saw the speeding car. Supposedly, they were on their way to a friend’s house to cheer her up.
I’m thankful for my Christian faith, which has held me in stead during some extremely trying times - most of my life, actually. I’m on Zoloft right now for dysthymia and a specific social phobia. God speed to all those affected by these tragedies.
I cannot imagine what you went through. But I often wonder about my daughter. She was born with a congenital heart defect: Pulmonary Atresia with VSD. I see how she’s grown so much: she’s 9 months & crawling. And I wonder about the troubles that she’ll face. And I wonder how we’ll help her when she’s feeling down and out. Thank you for the article. It makes me think twice if this problem should ever arise with our little one. She’s come a long way, from open heart surgery at 11 days old, to 1 catheterization and long hospitalization that you cannot imagine. It is a terrible burden to carry the death of a child. I will look forward to seeing the documentary this weekend. Thank you for sharing and know, that those who critic something they’ve never experienced, they’re scared. They’re scared because they don’t know what they’d do in your feet. So they lash out ridicules comments and spew their opinions on you. Hear all but take in only that which suits your soul. You did the best you could with the situation you we’re given. And you two are great people for showing it on film.
Dana, thanks for letting us view your cathartic documentary. This subject is meaningful to me since my friend’s 19 year old daughter and her best friend committed suicide together two years ago.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/02/03/AR2007020300986.html
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c5BwNgvmqkA
Lizzie,
I have a close relative that has attempted suicide twice. It is so hard. We are getting treatment for him/her and is on medication but the last attempt was to take all the medication at once. When admitted to the hospital the insurance only covered 7 days and he/she was released before the immediate crisis mode was over. Even when you see it coming and are trying to help there is only so much you can do. My relative is only 17 and unless you can lock them up and keep an eye on them 24/7 there is always the chance that next time they will succeed. Sometimes seeing all the signs cannot prevent a suicide. All we can do is open up the communications and support the parents and be understanding and not place blame. When the attempt is made they are not in sound mind. When the attempt fails and they recover they are so glad they did not follow thru. But the next crisis is always around the corner
The fifteen year old daughter of one of my oldest friends hung herself almost two years ago. Two days earlier, she had tried to cut her wrists, and was sent home from the emergency room, after a psych consult, telling her and her mother that it had been a ‘half-hearted’ attempt, and without referring her to other treatment, sent her home and told her to return to school. My dear friend came home to find her hanging, cut her down while calling 911 and trying to administer CPR. She had been dead for some time. She was obviously not ‘half-hearted’ that time.
My point is to thank Dana for her candor and exposing her grief, and to WOW for posting this insightful, touching post. My friend (since jr. high) is very accomplished and noted (published in professional journals) worldwide for her work in the mental health field. Her devastating death is not only ironic to her, but has her questioning her ability to help others ("How can I presume to help other children after I missed what was going on with my own child.").
I will be spending a week with her at her beach house next month, and have been anxious about discussing this tragedy with her. I think I’ll just do what I did when I last saw her, less than two months after her daughter’s death, and just listen. Only, this time around, I have a much better understanding that her grief is unrelenting, and that all I have to give her is my love and everlasting support. I’m happy that she has found some peace by escaping from her demanding profession, and taking in the joys and healing that our wonderful beaches provide.
Another thing that Dana’s interview helped me with: I had been looking at various venues to volunteer, and now I know where to put my efforts. Thank you, again, Dana and WOW.
JO