Q & A | 06/09/2009 10:00 am

Paradise Lost – and Found: A Q&A With Author Julie Metz

In a conversation with wOw, the author of the searing new memoir Perfection talks about the shock of becoming a widow in her early 40s, the horror of discovering her husband’s years of infidelity and how women can rebuild their lives in the aftermath of a breakup or divorce.

By Hilary Black

Julie Metz/Image: Sigrid Estrada

Editor’s Note: Julie Metz is the author of Perfection: A Memoir of Betrayal and Renewal, just published by Hyperion/Voice. A graphic designer, artist and freelance writer whose essays have appeared in such publications as Glamour and Hemispheres, she is the recipient of a MacDowell Fellowship.

wowOwow: Your book describes every woman’s worst nightmare: suddenly learning shocking truths that forced you to reevaluate your entire marriage and realizing that both your husband and, indeed, your whole life were very different from what you thought they were. Looking back on this experience, what would you have done differently if you had those years to do over again?

JULIE METZ: What happened to me is something that I think happens to a lot of women who get very absorbed during the years of early parenting — which is that you get very insular, very focused on your child. And it gets so overwhelming that you stop looking around at the bigger picture. If I had it to do over again, I wish I’d kept that bigger picture in front of me and paid more attention to the rest of the world outside of my narrower life at home.

A lot of people focus on the idea of the perfect American family. I think if you feel you don't measure up to that ideal, you're ashamed that you're different.

wOw: So taking care of a young child, in some ways, gave you an excuse not to see what was going on in the marriage?

JULIE: I think you try not to see. Raising young children can be very stressful, and I think most parents would agree that it’s not the easiest time for women — especially if you’re working, as I was. You’re trying to be a good mom, you’re trying to get your work done, you’re trying to be a good partner and you start getting spread a bit thin. And I think that’s part of what happened to me. It’s not just that women are being torn in all these different directions, it’s that they’re trying to do all of these things stupendously well. In short, perfectly.

wOw: Right. Right.

JULIE: And you might feel that there are a lot of eyes on you, sort of watching how you’re performing, so to speak. As many women do, I think that I spent a lot of time worrying about that type of thing, instead of thinking, "How’s my relationship doing, and how’s our marriage doing?" And then, when you start to get an inkling that there are problems, you don’t want to see, you don’t want to look too hard because you’re afraid of what you’re going to see.

wOw: It might upend the perfection.

JULIE: Exactly. Looking at the dark side is definitely going to shatter the world that you’ve tried to create, and you’ve invested a lot of effort into it.

wOw: Do you think there are ways that women can prevent something like this from happening to them? Or is that just a fantasy if a man is bent on deceiving his wife?

JULIE: I think that if you’re with a man who’s determined to have affairs, he’ll do that. I think my husband got very good at lying, and at hiding what he was doing. So I don’t think you can prevent that. But you can look after yourself, in the sense that if you make sure that you’re feeling happy and good and secure, I think you’re going to be in better shape. Looking after yourself is always the place to start.

8 Reader Comments (so far…) Sign In or Register to comment

Sad story all around, but glad that Julie has bounced back.

By James the Game on 06/09/2009 10:17 am

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Julie that advice about not making decisions when you are enraged is so valuable. I have passed this on to my daughter who at 39 is going thru a divorce. I raised her to be very self sufficient which she is but she has two children to think about and the anger is always best controlled for the sake of the children. I’m so glad to see that you have come thru your personal crisis.

By Barbara B on 06/09/2009 10:56 am

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I just love coming to WOW Women on the Web daily. The articles are so great. My favs Joni, Liz, Whoopie, and of course, Candice Bergen.

Liz, any good news from Charice? Did you ck with David Foster or Marc Johnston? Any concert coming? I am an avid fan of this wonder girl.

Pls. download her single "Note To God." It will blow you away. The girl was gifted with a voice that could reach the sky.

Julie Metz, love your work. I will surely buy your book Perfection: A memoir…

Liz Smith, more latest Hollywood gossip pls. We need some excitement.

By Lovely Soul on 06/09/2009 12:05 pm

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Julie, thanks for sharing your story. I’m looking forward to reading Perfection.

I couldn’t help but make comparisons to my life as I read this interview. I too had blinders on while my husband had (many) affairs. Sadly, it’s so easy to do. We want to believe the best about those we love and in our busy lives it’s certainly simpler than looking too close.

There were no salvage efforts prior to the collapse of our marriage. Of course, I never found out about any of the affairs until he chose to leave me for one of the other women. I was angry, bitter, betrayed, sad, and embarrassed (I’d been oblivious, it seems most people we knew were not). Stubborn me, I quickly put on a brave face and swore I’d not let him know just how badly he’d hurt me. I even asked him about the affairs - who, when, where, and of course the inevitable why - he didn’t want to tell me, but I simply told him that I’d never lied to him once during our marriage, I thought he owed me answers to whatever questions I asked. Even though we knew our marriage was over we talked through a lot, which helped me to move on. It strikes me that Julie never had the opportunity for that confrontation. She had to speculate and face her emotions in an entirely different way. One devastating loss upon another.

I want to tell one related story though: Only a day or two after my husband and I separated, I was at work when a woman walked up to me. I don’t recall what she said, I’m sure it was quite innocuous, but with my emotions close to the surface, it sent me running out of the room to have a good cry. When I returned I was surprised to see that she had stayed to talk to me. I didn’t know this woman at all, but she managed to change my life. She told me that her husband had left her after 35 years of marriage. She wanted me to know that since then, she met and married a man that has shown her what truly loving someone was all about and that she now knew what marriage was supposed to be. She wanted me to know that there was a better life for me out there. I had an epiphany at that very moment and I found strength in what she told me. I spent some time alone for myself and eventually married a wonderful man and yes, I understand exactly what she meant. I relish in a marriage secured with communication, respect, and lots of laughter! Marriage is wonderful when it is good - I wish everyone could feel this level of happiness in a marriage. I’ll always be thankful for this woman (whose name I never knew) for taking time out of her day to help me. I hope I can pay it forward someday. The future holds wonderful things - Life’s too short to hang on to the past!

By KatyDid Wells on 06/09/2009 2:08 pm

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well of course now I want to know how she found out the guy wasn’t who she thought he was! I think the worst would be asking yourself how come you didn’t see him for who he was. I don’t think i’d feel unloveable or like I was somehow the "cause" for a betrayal like that. but i’d definitely be asking myself how and why did i love someone who was that person.

By Chrome Toe on 06/10/2009 9:00 am

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Chrome toe, I wish I had this much wisdom and understanding about infidelity as you describe.

For almost 17 years and many affairs on my husband’s side , I kept thinking it was may fault.

I was not blonde enough, thin enough, and my list went on and on. It was not until AFTER I divorced

him that I asked myself how I could have lived with someone like that.

By Jeannot Kensinger on 06/10/2009 11:20 am

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typo : my fault

By Jeannot Kensinger on 06/10/2009 11:21 am

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Hindsight is 20/20, but you have to move forward a bit of distance in order to look back. I never thought I’d second guess myself either, but with all of those raw emotions on the surface, the question of "why" is a nagging one. Looking inward is almost inevitably part of the process, you just can’t dwell there.

By KatyDid Wells on 06/10/2009 12:13 pm