What I Know For Sure | 04/13/2009 11:00 pm
Suzy Welch: 'It Is Better to Be Real and Sleeping With a Dog You Love Than Be Phony and Sleeping With a Man You Don't'
Bestselling author and renowned business journalist Suzy Welch reveals the nine things she knows for sure.
10-10-10 by Suzy Welch
Editor’s note: Suzy Welch, a columnist for BusinessWeek and O, The Oprah Magazine, is co-author with her husband, Jack Welch, of the international bestseller Winning: The Answers: Confronting 74 of the Toughest Questions in Business Today. Her new book, 10-10-10: A Life-Transforming Idea, provides insightful advice for making personal decisions at home and at work. Visit her website at suzywelch101010.com.
Any woman my age – I’m hovering near 50 – should know that life is a never-ending mystery that simply produces an increasingly long list of unanswerable "why" questions. And I do know that – from experience, of course. Why, for instance, did my seven-year-old daughter put a bead up her nose in the back of the car on the way home from soccer practice in October 1997? Why did she not mention it to me until June 1998, when the bead finally popped out? Why did my boss get all excited about my idea at work one Tuesday morning, but then act like she’d never met me on Thursday afternoon, right after her boss said my idea was stupid? Or how about this eternal mystery: Why did my first husband tell me he was going camping alone all those years ago, when he was actually going not camping not alone?
| Too many of us – millions upon millions – remain in relationships long past their sell-by date. |
Why did I believe him?
Who knows? I was 29 at the time, pregnant, fat and cranky, but I should have known better.
And yet, even humbled by mysteries such, a few maxims have proven themselves over the course of my years too many times to deny.
Take, for instance, the fact that the minute you have a baby, you render yourself permanently defenseless. Not to put a gloomy cast on the oh-so-glorious mothering experience! But look, for all the joy your children bring you — that daughter with the bead up her nose now writes poetry that makes me weak-kneed from pride — your love for them incontrovertibly makes you vulnerable to all the "things" that they could do to themselves, or could be done to them.
I know for sure that having a child means you are never free to be carefree again.
I also know for sure that not being carefree for a child’s sake is never not worth it.
Another fact I’ve learned: that "work-life balance" is a dreadful term that only serves to make you feel vaguely depressed for years on end because the truth is, it is impossible to establish anything even vaguely resembling equilibrium when you are working and raising kids at the same time. I will never forget the time I brought my two oldest children to Hawaii with me for a speech to a group of insurance executives. Oh, I was sure I’d cracked the work-life balance code that time – happy clients, happy kids and both happy at the same time! Then, halfway through my speech about the history of management, my kids busted out of the hula-dancing class where I’d tried to warehouse them, and came barreling into the conference hall.
Thus it was that I came to know for sure that as a working mother, you never crack the code.
Luckily, I also know that being a working mother gets easier as your kids get older and they discover, at last, that you are a crashing bore. Indeed, I remember the first time I looked into my eldest son’s eyes and realized he would rather be looking back at a friend. "Oh, my God," I exulted silently, "I can stay at work late today and he’s not going to care."
And then I exhaled for the first time in 12 years.
Exhaling, actually, brings me to the end of this list. (There is a longer list in my head, being ever-revised.) I know I love my husband desperately …
Read more about: 10-10-10, A Friend Stopped By, Books, Family, Jack Welch, Marriage, Relationships, Suzy Welch, What I Know For Sure, Winning, Work
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38 Reader Comments (so far…) Sign In or Register to comment
As a book reviewer, my most recommended business book still remains the Welch’s Winning. And no wonder that Suzy Welsh has found her right "other half" this time around. And like Suzy, I too believe that very often - and usually after 40-ish when the kids are about out the door that women acknowledge what they have known probably since the third week of marriage: ooops, I made the wrong choice.
Way back then, mothers said that "we made our beds and we were going to have to live in them" . . . and while I think most of our mothers were smarter than we thought at the time, this was one axiom that was all wrong. For some reason, the vision of the woman smiling contentedly with her dog on the bed gives us "the picture". Most of us change in mid-life, men and women, and our life courses at times go in opposite directions.
I will take it a step further. It is common to marry for lust early, but somehow - without our knowing when - common sense and wisdom drop in. We want more . . . and if it takes a single life and sleeping with Fido for a while, so be it. We are free. Women become more independent; men seem to me to be more DEpendent in the later ages. And very often, the twain will meet, love will blossom, and the life we only dreamed of will become reality. That is - IF we are very lucky.
In Suzy’s book with Jack Welch, they were very very honest and down to earth. I would expect that this is going to be a must-read book for women that tells it like it is … and I am going to be the first to buy it!!
Joan, as I read this article, I thought, "did I write that book?" ;-)
What a wonderful article and insightful comments. I have copied certain passages and comments that really hit home for me (I keep a running document called "Remember…" that contains snippets of meaningful insights that I never want to forget).
I’m inspired by Suzy. I’m divorced (going on three years now) having had married the wrong man for me, married for 11 years, together for 15. I’m in my early 40s and very hopeful that I will meet the man meant for me, just as Suzy did. Joan’s insight and stating the axiom "Way back then, mothers said that we made our beds and we were going to have to live in them, was all wrong" so true.
Reading all of these comments, I’m hopeful that the younger generations will benefit from our collective experience, and we will pass on to them the confidence to not stay in a relationship past its expiration date, to in fact have the self confidence to only be in a relationship that enhances your life, is nurtuting, and mutually supportivie.
Autumn … Already I find you wise beyond your years. . and some day will be able to pass on with surety that goes along with a wisdom that comes upon us in a surprising way without our recognizing or knowing. . and usually somewhere in our 50s. Do I think there is "the right one" - the match for us? I have found that you will find the special person who will give love and caring, share secrets, and so much more. Life will be beyond your wildest dreams perhaps.
How do you find the one? It can’t be "a search". It isn’t like running after something or someone and winning. What it takes, I believe, for the most part is to keep your world open - wider perhaps than it is now. No sitting on the sofa in hopes, but getting out, find things you love, and love what you do. Your whole being then sends out signals as your eyes will probably sparkle again, your step lighten, and you must believe in yourself. What I have found in doing so is that you become a magnet — for men and for new women friends — and when you least expect it, the person that you will want to spend your life will be there. Don’t rush for you are looking for not only romance but a more mature love — which I equate first with the foundation of a friendship. The like interests, the firm foundation that you slowly build - not rushing, is the key I have found.
The long long term marriages around me - in a time when the "you have made your bed …" was considered truth has left a majority of those in marriages pretty much in name only, hellish at home but putting the act on on the social front - if that.
It does not get better — the two people are miserable. In life, there IS happiness and should be. There should be laughter and good times, and the clinging together, helping each other in the sad times we all will face some day. Don’t settle for less. Only food do that. YOU CAN have the dream, but you must hold out for it. This is the one thing I know more than anything else in life, observing over years, and finding in doing what I am telling you to do - to find the perfect man for me and I for him. We laugh so much, we exalt in life and in each other, and Autumn, it seems to me that you already are far ahead of most. The most wonderful part of life, we feel, is gathering in our late 40s and 50s. We have found our road in life and at the end of that road — your own rainbow. I do wish this for you. Joan
Joan, thank you so much for your reply. You have inspired me and I continue to be a "hopefull" romantic. When we divorced, it was the first time in my life that I had ever been on my own…ever. My parents looked down on girls who moved out when they went to college and unfortunately for me, I went to a local university (a very good university, but I wish I had gone out of state, but did not have the support of my parents). So my first year on my own, I spent most evenings staring at the wall, literally. I had no idea that I would have that reaction to being alone. The first year was the most difficult, and it wasn’t my ex-husband I was missing (our divorce was mutually desired), but I didn’t know how to be myself, all by myself. That episode began in April 2006. Now, here I am, and I’m finally myself again. It is difficult to meet quality men, but I know they are out there, somewhere, as well as quality, like-minded women to be friends with. You are so right in saying that it can’t be a "search" and it isn’t like running after something or someone and winning…wow, that really hit home for me. Being myself again means that I’m doing the things that fulfill me, make me happy, are nurturing. I volunteer, take sailing lessons, cello lessons, go hiking, kayaking, and have taken up fly-fishing. I’m very happy with my life and I’m very happy with the progress I’ve made. I’m happy being on my own, with my little dog, Tribble.
I look forward to meeting someone to share my life with, but I’m good with how my life is right now.
I really appreciate your wonderful insight and great advice.
-Autumn
The Welches sound like a hoot: I’ve read two books by Jack and "Winning" remains my favorite light read business book.
It’s easy to see, reading the above, why such a great man like Jack Welch would hook up with Suzy. They both have intense energy based on the fact that they have learned to do what they love and that success comes from being true to yourself.
Can’t wait to read the rest of the book.
I hope no irreversible damage is done to the cosmos and the grand design of things by a man posting on wowOwow. Holding on to that "hope" - here goes.
As someone who has watched Jack over the years, and admired his prowess as an exec, to know him now of as a husband who has a beautiful and talented wife who can and does say publicly, "…I love my husband desperately…" is a transformation in our society that is huge, and pregnant with possibility.
If Alfred Sloan was so blessed we’d never, repeat never, have know it. And if his wife was as beautiful we may have know that, if we were in their circle; but her talent - I don’t think there would be much talk of that beyond "dutiful wife, mother hostess…".
So here is a possibility for our next transformation, and that is for the male titans, in business or wherever, to be able to be equally connected to the feelings and values, as Suzy clearly is, and equally able to express them to the world, as Suzy does.
With that transformation under our collective belts I assert we will be living in a more safe, more sustainable and more nurturing world.
"…I love my husband desperately…" is a transformation in our society that is huge, and pregnant with possibility.
By Peter Roche on 04/14/2009 1:06 pm
Peter, so elegantly posted and yes it is true, there are many of us that ‘Desperately love our Husbands" with Husbands who "Desperately love us" in return. We really and truly need more of these types of relationships whereby, both men and women treasure the values of such and each other.
I was raised to be strong for myself. My grandmother was wise and told me that no one protects you like yourself - you can love and trust a man or woman to be your partner til the end of time, but at the end of the day, you have to be happy with yourself.
Living for others is a big issue for women; we raise children, cook meals, clean and take care of others as a nurturing part of who we are. But we need to learn how to live for ourselves and realize that a good priority is making yourself happy.