02/09/2010 2:00 am
Life
When the Other Sibling Cares for an Aging Parent, by Francine Russo
An author faces the decline and death of a parent, from the place of daughter and sister -- and shares strategies to avoid missteps
© Shutterstock
Editor’s Note: Esteemed journalist Francine Russo covered the boomer beat for Time magazine for nearly a decade and has also written for the New York Times, Redbook, and Family Circle. She is the author of They’re Your Parents, Too!: How Siblings Can Survive Their Parents’ Aging Without Driving Each Other Crazy, just published by Random House. Visit her website at www.yourparentstoo.com.
As a daughter of two aging parents and as a sibling with a not-great relationship with my sister, I told myself that I was very independent and grown up. I lived two hours away, called on Sundays and made short, infrequent visits. It was hard being around my mother, who was unloving and judgmental, and my sweet father who took whatever she dished out and adored her. My younger sister, who lived near them, was eternally pissed off, convinced she always got the short end of the stick. I thought I’d escaped all the family drama.
| So while my sister was helping my father take care of my diabetic mother, I kept doing what I'd always done – call on Sundays. |
Actually, like so many people I’ve met since, I was clueless. I had no idea that I was entering a new developmental crisis in the life of my original family, or that there even was such a crisis lying in wait. All the old stuff came back and ambushed me: sibling rivalry, old resentments, yearning for my parents’ love, the guilt-laden ways we talked to each other – only worse.
So while my sister was helping my father take care of my diabetic mother, I kept doing what I’d always done – call on Sundays and visit every few months. I was stuck in my adolescent role, but all of us were on automatic, doing what we’d always done – because that’s what families do.
Our dynamics are deeply entrenched and often invisible to us. So during the last year of my mother’s life, when she was in a nursing home, my
sister never asked me to do anything, and I didn’t volunteer. The only change was the escalating fury of her usual dig: "You’re not around." I’d deflected those digs all my life, and I kept doing it now. Also, I had plenty of defenses: While my sister was childless by choice, I was widowed, a working mom with two kids and a life in New York. Plus, stats show that what I did was not out of the ordinary: 43.5 million people take care of a parent or older relative. Ninety-one percent say this job is not shared equally. Of the 51 percent who claim they care for an aging relative alone, 85 percent of them have siblings!
I had my first hint of how deeply this passage would affect me when I said what I’d thought was my final "good-bye" to my mother before she entered the nursing home. I stood by her hospital bed, feeling numb. "I hope you have a good life," she said. To me, it sounded the way you’d say "Have a nice day" to a stranger. Afterward, driving home on the New Jersey Turnpike, I wept for nearly two hours, imagining the loving things I’d have told my daughters if I were on my deathbed, things I’d never heard from my mother and now never would.
During the following year, I felt even more distant from my family, responding to calls from my sister about Mom’s setbacks with another brief, numbed visit. It was not until her funeral, watching my father and sister hold each other up and sob, that I began to understand the long ordeal they’d been through – without any support from me. My father was hurt; my sister was furious. As for me, I felt ashamed. Honest — I’m not a heartless person. How had I gotten this so wrong?
- Email this Post
- login or register to post comments
46 Reader Comments (so far…) Sign In or Register to comment
It is even harder when you have no siblings and you live across the Country. I had to handle my mothers failing mind long distance, dealing with social workers and my mothers stubborness until she fell and had to be taken to a hospital. She never went back home after that.
After all was said and done and she passed, I could tell by the tone of the caregivers that they thought I didnt do enough. Never mind I was recovering from cancer and in no shape to go and see her.
So it never is right no matter what you do or dont do. What does matter is doing the best you can. If people cant accept that then the hell with them.
Judy, your last three sentences sum up this situation perfectly. They should be prominently displayed where a primary caregiver can view them daily in order to maintain sanity and balance. Thanks for the wisdom and comfort.
I am the only one of four siblings who lives in the same state as my aging parents, right on the same street. Naturally, this puts me in the position of managing their care. It is not easy, but fortunately they can have round-the-clock care in their own home right now because of their careful savings. When it comes to all other legal/business affairs, however, not much was ever done to protect thier assets and now I am doing my best to make sure that their estate remains intact.
As I do this, I still have my own family to care for. My youngest is a high school senior and while she certainly can do a lot for herself, I need to be available to her as she prepares to choose her college for next year. My oldest, a college junior, still requires assistance from me from time to time and believe me, I am no ‘helicopter parent’! At times I just have to tell the agency that provides care for my folks and my siblings that my own family needs to be my priority. It can make me feel guilty, but I feel that doing things right for my immediate family is the best path for me to follow.
My parents are two people who probably would not have chosen to have four children. They also seemed resistant to being grandparents, as I was still in high school when my oldest sibling had her first child. The irony is that they just assume that we will take care of everything for them now and that they can be as miserable as they like to us because they are the parents and we are the kids. A pleasant situation it definitely is not…
It was 2002 I had just moved back to Buffalo, my mother was living in an apartment complex for the elderly and I was a very frequent visitor. I did her shopping, took her to the doctors, what ever she asked. She had spinal surgery that summer and I stayed with her most of the time, the other 3 siblings rarely came by to see her.
In 2003 I went back to college to become a minister and my time with my mother had changed due to the school hours and need to study. But I still did everything she asked of me with the exception of buying booze and cigs for her.
In 2004 during the spring semester I discovered I had breast cancer and I could no longer assist with my mothers care. I immediately became the worse daughter in the world. I had one sister who didn’t work at all, one who was a bar maid and worked minutes from where my mother lived, a niece who was brought up from hell to make everyone miserable and a brother who had time for no one but his wife and kids, except when he wanted Mom to make him his favorite lunch. Mom’s health was getting worse and she needed more help at the apartment, I was completely unable to help after my surgery and 18 months of chemo and radiation and I had NO HELP OF ANY KIND FROM ANY OF MY SIBLINGS, NONE.
In 2004 at Christmas we all gathered at my younger sisters home for the day, I wanted to be there like I wanted a hole in my head, but in long run I’m glad I went. It was a good Day, Mom was in good spirits and seemed happy. Three days later she was rushed to the hospital with pneumonia and she stayed in the ICU unit Feb 3rd 05, and hospice set up a bed and we brought her to my younger sisters to be with her family. On Saturday we were all there talking, laughing, cooking favorite foods, and trying our best to get along for the sake of our mother. Sunday morning at 10:56 she passed away. The youngest of my twin sisters was the only one home and I was the first one she called, I got there in a matter of minutes. And I completely lost it, next came the wicked sister of the west (oldest) and her married boyfriend, then the older of the twins came home (from a funeral for my nephews other grandmother), and then my brother and his family arrived.
The first thing the oldest did was tell us to go to the bank and empty out all her accounts (dumbest thing I ever heard), this was stupid because Social Security would now not give the death benefit because Mom’s accounts had been closed within 1/2 hour of her passing.
Mom left the wicked sister the beneficiary to the insurance thinking she’d be the responsible one. (this is when I realized my mothers brain was completely pickled in all the booze she drank through out her life). She told us all that the insurance money was for her burial and bills and with what was left over to have a party to celebrate her life, didn’t happen. Five years later and her ashes are still sitting in my younger sisters spare room. The wicked sister decided that the money was left to her so she could do what she wanted with it.
15 yrs ago my Grandmother Helene had passed away with no insurance and nothing to call her own, so I bought a double plot, and paid for her burial, I didn’t tell anyone else in the family I did it, I just did it. The second plot was for Mom so in case the same situation happened. It shouldn’t have but it did.
At the funeral home people left cards with money in them, and Mass Cards for Church, the wicked sister never let any of us know from whom, how much, she never sent out a thank you note, wouldn’t allow us to see the guest registry, basically it was about her HER, not our Mother.
When it came time to speak, out of the five of us kids only myself, younger sister, and brother got up to speak. When we went to the wake afterwards she ensured there was no where at the family table for me to sit. Now I’m bald as an eagle from chemo, can’t stand for very long, and if it weren’t for my two best friends of over 40 years I don’t think I would have made it through the day.
I haven’t spoken to the wicked sister since and I have no intention of ever doing so again. In fact I’ll never set foot in Buffalo again for any reason, there’s nothing there for me at all. If a sibling wants to see me then they can drive to see me, but I refuse to ever step foot in that city again. If my mother gets buried I will be the very first to know because I own the plot and until all payments are made and they have my signature on the paperwork she can’t be buried, this is my way of keeping taps. I just pray that while the wicked sister is out playing golf somewhere in the U. S. she falls in a hole and can’t get out. Maybe if were lucky the Devil will look up and say "so glad you decided to come home early"
I sound harsh, hurt and frustrated but the things my older sister has done to me through out the years are so close to being illegal it’s ridiculous, and she’s gotten away with it every time. Being the first born she got the privileges first and when she screwed up, it was taken out on me, because she had sex at 16 I wasn’t allowed to date with out a chaperone, because she did drugs, they watched me like a hawk. She’s the only person I know who tended bar from the age of 18 to 53, at 53 she decided to go to work in retail. She threw her chance for an education away for booze and drugs and then bitched when I graduated twice from college, joined the Navy, married, had two beautiful kids, worked for the Gov’t my entire adult life and now she tells everyone I’m mooching off the gov’t because I’m a disabled veteran who can no longer work. Just once I’d love to kick her ass, but in my physical state she’d kill me with one blow. needless to say I don’t like her and I sure as hell don’t love her, if she were to die tomorrow I’d wouldn’t care one way or the other.
This is a hot topic for many of us especially if we did the majority of the care giving. If you are not present for the day-to-day care it is impossible to see how it dominates your entire life at the time. There are no days off, real holiday celebrations or vacations and mostly sarcastic advice from the siblings not present. I have no regrets at all for being there for my mother. I loved her dearly and most of my siblings did take turns staying nights.
My father-in-law was never easy to be around. The years he was in our home and care he tried to be as much of a problem as he could. I was so exhausted when he was admitted to a Veteran’s home that I cried on the way home. I am still his medical and financial power of attorney so I visit him often to see that he has what he needs. He has dementia so I am taking dementia classes to become certified in dementia care. I will be taking the advanced classes when these are over in the hopes of helping others going through the same issues.
We didn’t know what we were facing when he first came to us because we know so little about dementia. We assumed, wrongly, that our love and concern would make a difference. Over the years I kept notes on what helped and what I could have done differently. I can’t blame my sister-in-law for not being there as she lives over 2000 miles away. She hadn’t had enough contact to understand what her father had morphed into.
My husband and I are taking care of my parents, Mom 88 & Dad 90. Dad has been my stepfatherfor 56 years, he is my Dad! I am the only child of my Mother, I had always told them when the time time came, we would take care of them, however Dad has a son who lives in California, you guessed it no help at all, he calls Dad once a week, never calls me to see how things are going. Over the years he has been to see Dad perhaps 4 times, two of the times Dad paid his way. It has been almost a year that M & D have been with us, not once has the son called me to see if he could help in any way. He has called Dad every few weeks. It’s hard to imagine what ageing parents will go through without help from their children. It has been a challenge for my husband and myself, we have a 3 bedroom home and gave them two bedrooms, one for sleeping and one for a setting room for their enjoyment and privacy, we gave up our in home office putting it into our bedroom. We are told by our friends that we are angels, that they could not do it. I don’t agree, I believe that we our setting an example for our children as to how you treat those you love. M & D were always there for us and we are there for them. We are all in agreement if the time comes when a nursing home is our only option that is what we will do. Now having said all that, I don’t believe for a moment that if your parents have been horrible to you through out your life that you owe them anything, I believe what "goes around comes around" and "be good to your children they will be choosing your nursing home"!
I’m watching both my parents do this now, divorced and basically the nail in the coffin (though it was a terrible marriage) was that both of them needed to provide care for an aged but critically in-need parent. This also fell back on me and was a major factor in my having to drop out of grad school. It affects the whole family. Meanwhile there are certain family members who seem not to be bothered at all by the inconvenience. I live in fear of the time when my aunts, mother, and father are in need of care in various cities. As the only child in the entire family I don’t see myself as being able to have my own family or my own life really. It seems there was always some adult to care for from the time I was born and a part of me resents that a lot.
I don’t have a lot of patience for the "sibling rivalry" aspect. My aunts and parents each respectively seem idiotic and trapped in selfish games from their childhood while the real work piles up. Let me put it this way, if you’re worried about who loves who more or who was the good son you’re being an irresponsible brat. Frankly I think these "adults" should suck it up and toe the line. Also if you think your sibling or wife or cousin "has it all under control" you’re probably deluding yourself so that you won’t have to lose years of your life to some one else’s infirmity.
This is a great topic and one that most of us will have to face at one time or another. As Baby Boomers have aged so have their parents and parents are living longer. It is also why I chose to do what I do. I took care of my grandmother in her home, after removing her from a nursing home where the care was ok, but her mind and her history made this a horrible situation. She begged me everyday to take her home, so I did. I had no idea what this would involve and make no mistake it was not easy. Most of the family lived far away but I was lucky, she had good resouces financially. Overall the experience was good for me as I saw a problem and became more curious as to what was going on in this population. I had left a good career but one I was not realy happy in to do so.
After she passed away I went back to school furthered my Social Work degree to specialize in Geriontology. Then I went for nursing and received my Masters in Nursing. Life took a detour briefly and I found mysel in rural Ohio without security of a job. When things got realy tough, I got tough and I started working in Home Healthcare. Not happy working for agencies that to me provided services but not meeting the real needs and found that some were better than others in doing the basics. I started venturing out on my own and now will be opening my own National Service starting this Spring. It is starting because there is a great need due to the distances we live from our parents and finding ourselves or our siblings in the precarious position of providing care, burning out and losing sight of our places within our families.
I have seen families that do well, families that are fragmented, famiies that struggle because their parents were not good parents and families that completely change from good to bad and bad to good. Most often it is because when the time comes to make hard decisions most families do not know what caring for a mother or father realy means, they don’t know what help is available and they don’t know how to use it, or their own emotional and finacial limitations. It can get ugly. No longer do we live in the days when the extended family shared homes. Family dynamics are not compatible but in rare situations. In all situations I have been in, there is a distinct leader sibling who always takes on more than the others and as long as that person takes it on the others let them. Usually the family has not a clue as to what to do, what is available, nor their limits and resources or how to find out. The crisis happens, a fall becomes a major event, the onset of dementia occurs for some so rapidly that the loving mother or father is no longer who we knew before. The weak family member may suddenly see a opportunity of control. All are tough and often much tougher than we ever imagined.
About 2 years ago I started a support group for caregivers and each basically had the same concerns and were seeing the same things over and over. In between the jobs that I would find for myself, I would advertise my services through doctors offices, the newspaper, and other avenues and always get so many responses I refer to others and the last time, I had over 35 calls in one day alone. Most often a family member is faced with making decisions for their parent and has no idea which direction to look first. Because of this, I have developed a network of people who are across the country. We currently have the financial backing to begin a service of family support and education. We are not going to provide nursing, but we are going to provide families with the opportunity of being educated about what is available, when they need to make use of what is available to meet the numerous needs. We will be able to tell the person wanting services and information what is available, how the agency or individual services are rated and set up a individual plan for families. How to identify when a parent or family member may need more than what they can give and tailoring services to that need. We are not going to be expensive because we have some funding available. It is a huge need that until people are in the situation they have no reality of.
In a ideal world we can all "suck it up". Easier said than done. All of those who did more, who was a good son, good daughter, good mother, good father feelings do come into the picture when the primary care giver gets exhausted and cannot function properly. A good reason to plan ahead, do some homework and before anyone gets into becoming a primary caregiver , recognize your own weaknesses and boundaries.
I watched my Mom take care of my Grandma for years. She would go to work and then almost every day she would go to my Grandma’s house (or rest home for the last year of her life). Us grandkids who lived in town would also visit two to three times a week. My Aunt lived in another state but she was a teacher and would come every summer for at least a month and during her spring break and sometimes Christmas break. So she wasn’t there for my Grandma as often as my Mom was but she did what she could. But the reason we were all so willing to do what we could was she was the most wonderful, loving woman to everyone, right up until her death at 95. She never acted as though we were "expected" to visit or made any demands on anyone. She was so happy when you did visit, always acting like it was such a special treat even if you were just there to chat for an hour. It must make it so harder when the person is mean and miserable to be around. I can see how there could be a lot of hard feelings and resentment when no one wants to be around the person, which is just sad for everyone.
My caregiving was a relatively short period of time, I guess, although it feels like it was much longer. My mom was diagnosed with advanced lung cancer in October and just passed on Jan.23rd. Every day when I leave work, I lose it, because that is when I would either go to the hospital, nursing home where she was for rehab for a short time, or rush home when she was staying with me, and I would give anything for her to be at one of those places now, and I am struck again with the knowledge that she is not here, no longer exists. The grief is overwhelming.
During this period, my husband also left and apparently is living with some woman, and also took his entire paycheck out of our joint account, so I am somehow supposed to manage to pay bills on what is a very small salary (I was a homemaker for most of our marriage.)
I am an only child so there was no one else to call, and although my daughters were there, and a cousin, my mother really gave up on herself and her care was left in my hands. I have also had to empty out an apartment she has lived in for 30 years, and there was so much stuff in there I just didn’t know what to do. The landlord was on my case, and I ended up putting most of it in the hands of a couple who run estate sales, and I think I might have been conned.
I am really just taking it day by day because when I think of a future, I don’t see anything.
I’m dealing with this first hand and I am the sibling in the same area as my parents and so the responsibility falls on me. My sister ( in an adjacent state) and brother who works out of the area 4 days per week.
Mom and I get along fine but dad is the "cantakerous" one and also suffering dementia which often makes him worse. Anger, frustration and often saying hurtful things to those close to him.
My sister wants detailed reports (like I have time for that barely having time with my own business and work to do as well) and when I communicate them has her way of telling me what "we" should do but it all falls on my shoulders.
I’ve become so frustrated that I do not even let her know things as it is easier that way on BOTH of us!
All I know is that when your relationship is strained with a parent who becomes a huge responsiblity with dementia people that are close do not have the patience to deal with some of the pitfalls. I’ve admitted to my mom ( who I love and adore) that if this change in his demeanor was out of character for a loving careing father it would be easier to handle…instead he has just become worse but not severe enough to put in assistance facility.
It is so cruel as I watch her what could be final years full of stress in dealing with a man who was difficult enough for the past 58 years and the final ones will be even worse.
It is heartbreaking for the entire family!
Gianna
My heart breaks for you. My dad passed from lung cancer two years ago aboutt as quickly as your mom.
Don’t be too harsh on yourself… its a difficult time, compounded by your husband’s behavior. I wouldn’t have done/said some of the things I did in my right frame of my mind.
I’m going to recommend a book a friend gave us. "Healing after loss" by Martha Whitmore Hickman. You may be able to get it for free at the library.