11/09/2009 8:00 am
Life
How I Survived the Madoff Scandal, by Kim Rosen
Jailhouse interviews with Wall Street villain, released last week, inspires one of his victims to weigh in.
Editor’s Note: Kim Rosen, MFA, is the author of Saved by a Poem: The Transformative Power of Words.
Last night I dreamed that Bernard Madoff returned my life’s savings. The memo line of the check simply said, "Sorry." In the dream, I’d written him a letter in Butner Federal Prison, explaining that the day I found out he’d stolen all my money, a poem had saved my life. "Before you know what kindness really is," the poem began, "you must lose things." Fingering that check, I felt my body relax for the first time in almost a year. Suddenly, everything I have given up since my loss — the home I longed for, the work I could no longer afford to do with Maasai girls in Kenya, the new clothes I had to return after the theft — all were possible again. In my dream, I hoped Madoff had enough checks with him in jail to send everybody’s money back.
But when I woke, there was no check from Bernie. Again, the wave of grief broke over me, as it does each time I dream I get my money back or never lost it.
| Now I was one of the millions who might not be able to care for myself in times of need. |
My small nest egg had only been with the fund two months — long enough to show a whopping income of $141.56. In August and September of 2008, I had watched with the rest of the world as the stock market careened like a drunk driver. I was afraid that if I didn’t take radical action, I’d lose everything. So I turned to a friend who had invested her money with a local fund that had a 30-year track record for steady, moderate growth. Even now, when the rest of the world was yelping with loss, her money was continuing to grow. The fund, optimistically named "Starlight," was invested with some Wall Street wizard who had cracked the code of how to make money when everyone else was losing it.
On October 2, I left the biggest check I’d ever written — my entire savings — with Starlight’s secretary, enclosed in a greeting card with colored fish on the front and a note of thanks inside. I felt lighthearted. I went across the street to an upscale store I’d never have entered a week before and bought a white sweatshirt with a faux fur collar and the pair of Merrell walking shoes I’d been eyeing in the window for about a year.
Two months later came the message on my voicemail: "Bernard Madoff was arrested today. The fund was a fraud. We’ve lost everything."
Madoff, it turned out, was the secret of Starlight’s twinkle.
I stared at the receiver in my hand. I could hear my heart pounding in my ears. I couldn’t breathe. The phone lady was reciting her litany: "If you’d like to make a call, please hang up and then dial again. If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator."
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13 Reader Comments (so far…) Sign In or Register to comment
There is nothing more terrifying than having money and the security of having money and then waking up one morning and realizing that security is gone along with the money except perhaps being told by attorneys there is nothing you can do which has happened to me twice.
All of you are lucky in that you will get something back and in that there is some level of sympathy, if not empathy, on the part of those around you. When a group "loses it all" most accept there is a villain and so the victims are victims. When it is just an individual most believe the victim was a volunteer so to speak.
One thing we do learn is who our friends are. That is often terrifying as well. Sometimes we learn some friends really weren’t.
My heart goes out to you and everyone else. It is not easy. But you do go on. You do survive somehow. Despite it all.
I’ve developed muscles I never knew I had, muscles that can step into the unknown.
Necessity is indeed the mother of invention. And creator of muscles. Particularly the spiritual muscles.
Well said. I too had an experience that took from me financially when I was at my lowest point. I have known her for 15 yrs.
After I cried from the hurt I realized who and what I don’t want in my life but even more important it was a reaffirmation of who and what I need to strive for every day not to be. Many times I feel like odd man out but I wouldn’t want it any other way.
BABY SNOOKS:
What a sincere and deeply beautifully written post. I like you so much right now, I might even vote republican if you asked. (Please don’t ask).
Kim - beautiful piece. Many years ago when i was in the midst of suffering horrible anxiety attacks I had a similiar experience. A friend gave me a book (that i wish so badly i could remember the name of). It was mostly beautiful illustrations with a few very simple poetic words to go with each illustration. They were all about letting go of fear. Each night i would huddle on my couch with that book looking at those pictures and reading those words. Soon my body would relax and my mind would relax and for a short period i would have relief. Eventually one or two of those poems became a mantra and the mantra became intrinsic and the panic went away. It has never come back. I beat it with poems!
I also wish you could get your money back. But in lieu of the money I am glad you found kindness.
Simply beautiful Kim.
You encapsulated what I am sure many have felt in the process of being duped by Madoff. The loss of not just money but trust. And yet through it all you learned the bigger lesson and it appears you are all the better because of it.
During this Madoff debacle I learned a disturbing thing about who I am. I don’t trust people as much as I thought I did. I would never have turned over my entire life’s savings to anyone. There would always be that little nagging thought of "what if?" I would never have had the trust that they could or would handle my money in the way they said.
And yet thousands of people like yourself who are far more emotionally advanced and trusting than me, had faith and trust. This time your trust was misplaced, but I would imagine you have countless other occasions in your life where it was not. Where your faith and trust in others epitomized Karma - what you put out - you get back ten-fold. You are far more wealthy Kim than you may believe.
I am bankrupt in an area where you are spilling over, and that is in the area of trust.