12/18/2009 4:00 am
Life
Dear Margo: The Problem With Listening to Dumb People
The Problem With Listening to Dumb People
Dear Margo: I would like your perspective on this. When I was 12 years old, two older boys in my neighborhood molested me. (This happened in the early ’70s.) I told my parents what happened, they confronted the boys, and they admitted what they had done. My parents owned a business in the neighborhood and decided that if they prosecuted the boys, they would lose the goodwill of the neighbors and the business would suffer. I was assured it was nothing to be upset about, that it has happened to almost everyone at some time in their life. It broke me. I was in and out of institutions until I was in my 30s. Thirty-five years have passed since I was molested, and I shake with rage when I think about it. Most people I have shared this with have told me I made too much out of it, that I’m weak for still being angry, and that this sort of thing is commonplace and nobody is upset by it. I’m angry and confused. It makes me feel that no matter what happens to me, I am worthless because I’m not worth defending. — Heartsick
Dear Heart: What utter ignorant nonsense that "this has happened to almost everyone at some time in their life." It certainly has not, and while it is now too prevalent, it is in no way "commonplace." You have shared your devastating experience with some strange (if not deranged) people. The first mistake, of course, was your parents’ for not pursuing these vicious bullies. I hope you can take comfort in the fact that many in your situation — as it has come to see daylight — have been worth defending. Your calamity unfortunately happened too early, in terms of public response. I hope you will join a support group to feel better about yourself. You did nothing wrong, but a great wrong was done to you. Please find some new friends, and let me know how you’re doing. — Margo, caringly
An Age-Old Mother/Daughter Problem
Dear Margo: I am a 30-year-old married career woman, pregnant with my first child. My problem is my mother. I could tell you a million stories, but the simplest way to convey the situation is to say that she treats me like a child. Since I got married, she has become unbearable, strongly voicing her opinion on every sensitive subject that comes up — where and when I should be married, changing my name, the health care my child should receive, and whether or not I should return to work after the baby.
I am fed up. I am an adult capable of making my own decisions. The flip side of this is that I’m an only child, and though I can’t stand her, I realize she’s my mother, and were I to tell her how I really feel (that I hate even hearing her voice, or dread seeing her at the hospital when I deliver my baby), it would break her heart. I also know she wishes to be included more in my life and wants a traditional mother/daughter relationship. Neither of these things is easy for me to consider, but for her sake, I know I have to. I need to assert myself in some way but am unsure how to do it. — Anxious
Dear Anx: Being an only child doesn’t help the situation, but I think it can be managed. You must make the relationship more comfortable and less stressful, and I think there’s a way to do it. Tell her, as gently as possible, that you are a grownup and would like her to offer opinions concerning your life only when asked. (You can blame it on hormones if you’re feeling wimpy.) You will be retraining her, in a way, but it can be done. When she starts in telling you what to do, just say, "Mother — we had a deal." Happy baby. — Margo, assertively
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Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered. To read more about Margo Howard, click here.
COPYRIGHT 2009 MARGO HOWARD
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Most people I have shared this with have told me I made too much out of it, that I’m weak for still being angry, and that this sort of thing is commonplace and nobody is upset by it.
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That sadly is a reflection of reality in our society - victims of any sort scare us so we dismiss them. Been there, done that as a stalking victim. As for her parents I am forever amazed at the choices people make with regard to what is right versus what is personally or politically advantageous. Most choose the latter. And don’t think twice about it.
I’m right with you LW1. I made the mistake of "speaking out" and suffered the full consequences. It is not ok that we force victims to suffer through a lifelong abuse because of a prior abuse. I ended up leaving. I left and never returned, saying nothing to anyone about my past for five years. I started a new life, a new career, and it wasn’t until the end of that period that I told a close friend. After that there was a rush of changes, and that other life I had created also became unlivable. I had built it on false premises.
What the misguided people who told you "it happens to most people" should have said is "you’re not alone" although honestly no one can equate their own troubles specifically with yours. It has taken me ten years and counting to recover, not from the initial incident, but from the way I was treated after, from the shame and the destruction of my own life and career, for being victimized for being victimized. Nothing is unaffected. I’m sorry that your parents sold you out for business income. It’s horrible and I hope some day you can recognize the value in yourself that people around you seem oblivious to. Of course you’re entitled to be angry, but I do hope that the anger you feel does stop hurting you so much.
I shudder to think what caused your mother and other relatives to say it “happened to almost everyone at some time in their life.”
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They merely wanted to convince themselves that their livelihood and place in the community was more important than whatever had happened to her rather than place her above all else. What happened to her doesn’t happen to almost everyone but the attitude taken towards almost always does. Someone told me once that "actions are forgiveable, attitudes are not" and through the years I’ve realized the wisdom of that. It hurts to cut off people you love. Until you accept that they did not love you. And she needs to cut all of these people off and cut them out of her life until they realize that what they did was far worse than what those did. Which they may never do. We may not choose our family. But as we get older we do choose as to whether to allow them to continue to abuse us. And she is being abused.
Clearly, LW #1 needs to get more professional help. I think in the early 70’s it was quite common for rape victims to be discouraged from prosecution because so often the rape victim was put on trial and not the perpetrators. Perhaps the only reason the parents did not prosecute was to save the goodwill of their neighbors but perhaps it had a lot to do with the *blame the victim* mentality that was prevalent then and the fear that their daughter would be subjected to even more emotional trauma as the result of a trial. Rape victims report feeling shame and blame themselves even today when so much more is understood about rape as an act of violence and not an act of sex. But, it is understandable that as a young teen, LW#1 interpreted her parents’ refusal to prosecute as selfishly motivated (and of course, perhaps it was).
I don’t know about her friends. I can certainly see advising a friend in those circumstances to get some professional help to put this behind her so she can lead a productive life. That does not mean it wasn’t a horrible thing to happen or that she is weak because she is still traumatized by it. Even non-violent sexual abuse (by that I mean no one got beat up) can have repercussions in a person’s life and conduct that they may not understand until many years later. But if this is a constant obsession with LW #1, it is understandable that friends may get weary of it and urge her to seek professional help that they are not qualified to provide. Friends can help a great deal, but cannot be expected to heal such deep wounds.
LW#2…Margo has good advice but I would be more direct with your mother. Simply say *NO*. My sister is extremely close to her three daughters and they are now having children. You know what? Even though they adore their mother and she pretty much minds her own business about their lives, they did NOT want her in the delivery room. And my sister completely understood as she did not want OUR mother (who we adored) in the room when she gave birth. This is a husband/wife moment as far as I’m concerned…but maybe I’m old-fashioned about it. And the only child thing works both ways….if she wants to be in your life…she needs to adjust her behavior.
LW #1: I have to agree with what Katharine says on this. I was a victim when I was young and I told my mom. The offender was the married father of one of my friends. My mom told his wife and that was that. I wasn’t allowed to go over there when it was just him and my friend there, and I certainly wasn’t allowed to go anywhere with just my friend and his father (I’m a female, and my friend was male). I learned to deal with it, it doesn’t affect me anymore, and therefore I won. It sounds as if LW1 needs some professional help to get past it, because that is what she needs to do. Getting past it doesn’t mean it’s trivializing it. It means being able to move on. And it sounds as if her friends have heard the story over and over and ‘are sick of hearing it’ and don’t know how else to tell her to get professional help. It’s like the wife who is constantly getting beat up by her husband. Everyone tells her to go get help, but she never does so the friends are just sick of dealing with it. Why does she stay in that relationship? Does she enjoy getting beaten up? People just get sick of hearing about it from the victim when the only person who can help is the victim themselves by taking the first step and getting help. And secondly, like another responder wrote in here, has she thought about the what-if’s? She says her parents put their business first before her needs by not prosecuting. What if her parents did prosecute and then the community took it out on the business? Would her parents have gone out of business? That’s their livlihood, that’s their JOB, that’s what put food on the table and a roof over her head. Were they willing to compromise that? Perhaps they did what they thought was best for the whole family at that time, and that was to keep the family out of poverty. She definately needs to get some professional help to sort through all this.
Really? You don’t think boys molest other boys? Well, they do. It’s more commonplace than you think. I’d like for Margo to weigh in on this one. Margo?
I didn’t say they didn’t. I said it would be more commonplace to hear of boys to girls. I also said it would be more likely that parents might not believe the circumstances of the boy/girl one. The boys could say the girl consented. Boy vs boy wouldn’t have parents saying it was commonplace unless they are really, really warped. Especially mothers.
I’d like to see some stats on boy vs boy should you think it is "commonplace". I think that is way off base.