12/04/2009 2:00 am
Life
Dear Margo: Reinterpretations and Romance
Reinterpretations and Romance
Dear Margo: How much is a person supposed to overlook or adapt to in a boyfriend if he has other great qualities? I’m dating a really nice guy (divorced), who is smart and interesting and has good values, but is extremely passive — to the point where he lets people push him around. I find that a total turnoff. For example, if a colleague starts yelling at him for a mistake that was the colleague’s fault, he just shrugs and tells her she made the mistake. He is so conflict-averse that he’d rather let it go and believes that easy-going is the way to be. The other thing is that he’s really a lousy kisser, though friends say that can be worked on. I guess I’m used to the man being dominant and aggressive, which is more of a turn-on. On the other hand, I’ve been accused of being too picky, and I don’t want to get rid of a good guy just to see him snapped up by plenty of other women. I’ve been divorced twice. My first husband was too sweet and passive for me, and my second had too much of a temper and was abusive. I’m 61 and have been single for many years, but I’d rather be in a relationship. What do you think? — Trying To Decide
Dear De: Mr. Right For Now sounds like your No. 1 … which to my mind is better than a replay of No. 2. I assume you’ve looked for a man who is somewhere between these extremes but have not found him. As for your example of workplace war, his approach sounds pretty sensible to me. What you really need to keep in mind is how he makes you feel. When you say you are 61 and imagine "plenty of women" ready to "snap him up," you are right on the money there. If I were you, I would work on interpreting his conflict-averse qualities as a plus, and think of them as way better than being hooked up with a drill sergeant. As for the kissing, your friends are right. — Margo, purposefully
High School Musical, Part 6
Dear Margo: I am a high-school senior. There’s a girl named "May" who I thoroughly dislike, but she persists in trying to be my best friend. We became friends in freshman year because we were both hyper and our bus ride was long. She was, and is, cheerful, kind and friendly. However, over the past three years, I have realized that we have nothing in common anymore, if we ever did, and I am very tired of having things that are important to me shot down as stupid or boring. Sometimes I talk about things I find interesting, like current events or books — never with her, but in groups of which she is a part. If it has even a vague whiff of intellectual activity (except "Pride and Prejudice"), May shoots me down in the most contemptuous tone I have ever heard, saying, "That’s boring. Let’s talk about (pick one: her love life or movies, though, to give her some credit, more often movies)." I don’t know what to say to someone who thinks that "The Time Traveler’s Wife" was a brilliant movie. — Please Go Away, from Virginia
Dear Please: This sounds like one for my pal Roger Ebert, but the underlying problem is actually not about movies. The basis for your friendship — that you were both hyper and it was a long bus ride — does not sound like a rock-solid foundation for closeness. This girl may be cheerful, but she sounds neither kind nor friendly. If you have nothing in common anymore, just keep some distance between you and know that you have moved on. — Margo, developmentally
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Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered. To read more about Margo Howard, click here.
COPYRIGHT 2009 MARGO HOWARD
DISTRIBUTED BY CREATORS SYNDICATE, INC.
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46 Reader Comments (so far…) Sign In or Register to comment
Letter #2. You will learn many, many people will come and go through your life. And not everyone who enters your life is meant to be there. So sometimes its best to let people go their way and you go yours. Especially when there is no common bond to bind you. I couldn’t agree with Margo more on this point.
Letter #1. Boy can I relate! There are few things worse than a lousy kisser. :-D But as was said, they can be taught. It’s just a sad commentary that you have to teach a grown man how to kiss. I understand what women mean when they say the numbers of eligible men as you age becomes fewer and fewer, but I don’t believe in settling.
No, we won’t always find Mr. Perfect, but we can find Mr. Almost Perfect. Someone who is closer to what and who we need in our lives. And if being with someone who has a ho-hum dishwater personality is enough of an issue that you are writing to Dear Margo about it, it must be weighing heavy on your mind. I say leave him and try and find a man better suited to what you want and need. He is out there, and yes, you will have to vie for him with other women. But who’s to say your eyes, smile, body and personality won’t make you stick out among the throng of ladies seeking his attention?
I’m all for being with someone who doesn’t meet all your criteria for a lover/partner, but not if they are lacking important attributes. And when it comes to dating a docile man I am with you, I don’t like wimpy guys. You want to know that if you’re with a man that is bullied, you wouldn’t have to step in and be his savior. :-)
I take something to read with me when I want to go out to eat and don’t have a companion. I love to read, and it gives me something to do besides staring at the opposite wall, the table, other diners, etc. Eating out alone was really hard for me at first, but I used to pretend I was visiting town & didn’t know anyone. It sounds silly but it made it easier for me.
I’m generally happy with my life the way it is, also. I’d much rather be content and alone than in a bad (or even mediocre) relationship. Admittedly, though, there are days when I’d love to have a backrub—not something I can give myself, and not something my cat has ever wanted to learn. ;)
I don’t think ANYONE meets all of anyone else’s "criteria." It’s a judgment call whether your partner is a close enough fit, or someone who will eventually drive you crazy.
I’m with you and Karleen - it’s important to like your own company enough that you would rather be alone than with a partner who is a really bad fit. But some folks just can’t stand being single.
that is so true lila. some folks just cannot stand to be single and it’s tough. having dated a lot and been married twice (both mistakes but learned from especially since they were brothers) there is no perfect fit. i complained about mr milk toast (he could defend himself just fine to everybody but me, i was the boss and he let me to our detriment) and then turned around and jumped him for mr ABSOF**KINGLUTELYFANTASTICINBED but no other redeeming qualities at all. he would say no to me and mean it just fine. but it turned he was just a boy toy and i guess that was what i was looking for at the time.
now that i’m 20yrs older i can see the pattern. i had a hormonal imbalance and i was attracted to just about any man that would do as i told him. i felt i had to have a man or i wasn’t happy, even tho i was raising two fine children, had nice jobs and good friends. it’s really sad that i felt that way and after i lost my sex drive i was better able to see what i was doing wrong. i had an operation and i think my body knows that the physical act is to much for me. so bye bye sex drive! (it did come back for my second husband, but i could recall a past with him for some reason, but soul mates do that to you i guess).
now i just don’t look. i have dated 3 different guys in a 6mos period and none were to my taste. one is still good friends with me tho, the other was such a horses ass you couldn’t pay me to talk to him and the last i just felt nothing for and didn’t want to lead him on. my thing is looking back on all many relationships only 2 were where they were stronger than me emotionally. the others were all dependent on me in some way. i realized that obviously this is what i craved and went for. so i couldn’t complain that i only attracted that kind of man, when i was the one subconsiously seeking them out myself. it sounds like this woman is doing the same thing. she isn’t really interested in this man as much as she wants someone to be there for her but under her terms, not theirs. in otherwords, no give and take.
all i can say is set him free. mr milk toast found a wonderful wife and has been married about 16yrs. his wife is everything i wasn’t and i’m glad he is happy. i was his first love, but he wasn’t mine. so it was easier to see the flaws i percieved in him. i wish him all the best!!!
I don’t think she is implying that one should settle, just that some people have nitpicky, perfectionistic criteria that may never be satifsfied. In other words, you will never find someone who is 100% flawless. It’s not about lowering standards, but being mature enough to know that we cannot custom design a partner. What is important is being able to distinguish our "deal-breakers" from our preferences. Never settle for a deal-breaking quality, but don’t be scared to choose someone who exhibits a quality that wasn’t on your list of criteria, or who lacks a minor quaility from your list. I never planned to marry a bald man, but it wasn’t a deal breaker either. Had I stricken him from my list based on my criteria, I’d have never looked twice at my wonderful spouse. I think Belinda is just saying that being open to unlooked for possibilities is a good way to be.
I think if TTD doesn’t want to let her boyfriend go just because he will be snapped up by other women, she should let him go. He sounds like a good man and she shouldn’t try to change him to fit her ideal. Well, maybe she and he can practice kissing and she can just let his let his conflict adverse nature just be…
My first husband was too sweet and passive for me, and my second had too much of a temper and was abusive.
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She’s looking for the happy medium that may or may not exist. I’d rather have sweet and passive than abusive. We do love our macho men. The problem is most of them get too macho with us. I was assaulted twice. Out the door they went. How I ended up being stalked. Both times, well, I heard Mae West. "Everyone deserves a second chance. With someone else." In general, I’ve learned if the "warm fuzzies" are "fuzzy around the edges" it’s best to move one. Which is probably what she should do. What I would do.
i agree with you on this. but aside from all you have suggested i think she should at least let the girl know why she is dumping her. some ppl are totally in the dark. they don’t realize what they are doing is offensive because nobody has the balls to tell them what they are doing bothers them. they used to be friends, but now she is suddenly avoiding her. that must hurt. i had a best friend in junior high (same grade) and when we advanced a grade my other best friend started school there. i was dumb enough to introduce them. soon i was the one left out in the cold. it hurt and it would have been nice to be told WHY suddenly i wasn’t good enough for either of them.
teens can be pretty shallow and not think about others emotions. i’m sure the girl doesn’t realize she is hurting her former friend. one because she still thinks they are friends and you can be stupid, silly, tactless and over bearing with a friend, that you would never think of acting like with a stranger or non close friend. so she should say, "hey, i’m sorry but it just isn’t working out!" and go from there. just dumping her is immature and impolite, not to mention damaging to the other girls pride and ego! i speaketh from experience!!!