03/05/2010 12:00 am
Life
Dear Margo: Trouble With a Hairy, Scary 'Pet'
Dear Margo: Here’s a new one for you — I’m assuming, as it’s a pretty ridiculous situation. Two years ago, my husband begged for a tarantula, and after too many cocktails, I bought him one for his birthday. I am scared to death of spiders and have had buyer’s remorse ever since. I have nightmares about it getting loose, and even had a panic attack when I saw it molting. My husband won’t get rid of the thing, and I’ve learned to ignore that corner of our living room as much as possible. However … we just found out we’re expecting our first child, but my husband says he still won’t get rid of the tarantula, saying it’s no more dangerous than our dogs.
Our tarantula has fangs and can bite, as well as being able to fling its hairs, causing respiratory irritation, none of which should be an issue if the tarantula is kept secure in its cage. But I worry about a toddler knocking over the cage or removing the lid and reaching in. I don’t intend to let it go or die or anything. I just want it to be adopted into another home. So should we get rid of it or keep it? If you side with me, how can I possibly get my husband on board? — Arachnophobe in Connecticut
Dear Arac: You guessed right: This is my first letter about a spider. I can’t quite figure out what your husband does with his "pet." I doubt he can take it out and play with it. I would think, however, that a spouse who is so fearful of this furry, spooky thing that she’s having nightmares would be enough for a loving husband to agree to send it on to the home for retired tarantulas. Failing that, put the cage on a high table when the baby starts to crawl. The sort-of-good news is that Google says the venom is only fatal if the victim has allergies. Because this ugly sucker came to you courtesy of too many cocktails, perhaps lay off the libations lest your husband start begging for a Komodo dragon. — Margo, apprehensively
Jezebel Lops Off Her Family
Dear Margo: To make a long story short, my sister "Bridgette" got caught having an affair. Our whole family suspected and questioned her, but she denied it until she got busted. The problem is, she blames everyone but herself. She has kicked out her husband of 11 years, saying he’s an alcoholic. She got their newly refurbished home, plus the majority of his paycheck. She is not working, and he takes the kids all weekend. This poor guy doesn’t know what hit him. He’s living with his father and just scrapes by. He signed all the divorce papers on her terms, thinking that if he was super-nice, they would get back together.
Bridgette is not speaking to most of the family because she thinks we should back her up. She is the one who cheated and bragged about flirting with this guy for months. This is tearing my mother apart. Bridgette won’t bring the grandchildren to see her anymore, and she won’t talk to my other sister because we didn’t back her up. Are we in the wrong, or should she take responsibility for what she has done? — Confused on the Cape
Dear Con: "Bridgette" sounds like a beauty. How in the world could you all be in the wrong for displaying actual family values? Apparently, your sister is an adherent of the adage, "Blood is thicker than water." In hindsight, it’s too bad your brother-in-law agreed to her terms under the misguided notion that it would warm her up. I can tell you just from your letter, she ain’t never going back to him. Perhaps he could legally revisit the agreement. As for the grandkids, Massachusetts law (where you all are) is cloudy on the subject of grandparents’ rights. Cold comfort though it may be, your sister is nuts to cut everybody off, so let’s hope at some point she reconsiders the importance of family. — Margo, conventionally
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Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
COPYRIGHT 2010 MARGO HOWARD
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164 Reader Comments (so far…) Sign In or Register to comment
WOW, LW1…extreme deja vu here. As in, I could swear you are in fact the SAME person who wrote to Dear Prudence a couple weeks ago. (By chance, I just happened to read that this morning on my way to work.) Did you just spam every advice columnist in existence last month, or are you shopping around until someone gives you the "back up" you want? If so, that is exceedingly childish. It sounds like your husband doesn’t appreciate the severity of your phobia, and if so, he is being a child too…but you DID buy it for him. Needless to say, that’s going to send a very mixed message. "Here’s a present I got you - NOW I HATE IT FOREVER GET RID OF IT!" That’s silly.
Is there really no way you can just compromise, without turning this into a power struggle? Perhaps, if there is really no other place for the cage, you could purchase a small Japanese-style screen to shield the thing from view on your side of the room. As far as child proofing goes, cage locks do exist for terrariums. Spider safety is a worthwhile thing to be concerned about - but so is protecting a small child from being knocked down by enthusiastic dogs, being scratched by temperamental cats, etc.
Be the adult here and admit your real issue is that the spider creeps you out, and you are just looking for someone to back you up so you can complain at him some more :P
Oh my goodness- you people (I imagine old ladies personally) on these advice columns are really something else. How’s the view up there?
I wrote letter #1. In fact when I sent out my email question (i sent out the email about a week before Dear Prudence posted it) I sent it to both Dear Margo and Dear Prudence- i like both columnists and I figured it would increase my chances of getting answered by at least one person. However Dear Margo hasn’t posted the question until now. So calm down, i’m not waiting for someone to ‘back me up’, i personally feel as though I was backed up through Dear Prudence’s response as well.
On the DP message board someone made a great compromise suggestion- use a heating pad under the cage so the tarantula can be kept in the basement (it’s not like a dog, when that would be cruel) and out of sight of me and the baby. however when I approached my husband he said he didn’t want to do that. he instead contacted the friend that we got the tarantula from and asked if he would mind taking it back. THe friend is happy to take it as it’s a pretty valuable tarantula- until the baby is born the tarantula will stay put. That’s the deal now and we are both happy with it.
In terms of the drinking I probably should have clarified. It was at night and we had a friend with tarantula’s to give away and i told my husband "fine go and get one from him" and he went and got one that night. it’s not like i was stumbling around a pet store hammered. And I really had no idea how scared I would be of the thing- hind sight is a bitch. I thought it wouldn’t be a problem until i started getting nightmares constantly but that was once we already owned the thing.
Hope that clarifies for some people. I also hope people can respond to these posts with less hostility. I really find the snarky comments useless and rude for no reason. People need to realize that one letter to an advice columnist does not mean you understand the situation so try to keep the judging to a minimum perhaps and stay with constructive comments?
I really appreciate Dear Margo and Dear Prudence giving me advice but the comments on the messageboards I’ve read (everything from "get an abortion" to "get a divorce") are just awful and make me reluctant to ever do so in the future.
CCyr, I also have a fear of spiders but unlike you no amount of alcohol would make me want one in my house. LOL ! You do not need backing from anyone but your husband. Exotic pets from my understanding should never be around newborns. Really, how many of us know we’re allergic to tarantulas? I personally wouldn’t chance it. Good luck in getting the thing out of your house.
I’ve never been able to understand the motivations of people who keep exotic pets. They seem to think they can overcome the fact that it’s not a domesticated animal and it’s not safe. I remember reading about a family who had a python and a two year-old. The python escaped from the cage and killed the baby.
Another issue is getting rid of the pet when you don’t want it anymore, or when it outgrows you. The Florida Everglades are being taken over by pythons and other exotic snakes.
CCyr, I also have a fear of spiders but unlike you no amount of alcohol would make me want one in my house. LOL ! You do not need backing from anyone but your husband. Exotic pets from my understanding should never be around newborns. Really, how many of us know we’re allergic to tarantulas? I personally wouldn’t chance it. Good luck in getting the thing out of your house.
"you people (I imagine old ladies personally)"
Wow. You’re a charmer.
in my experience older women are the most critical and most of these comments are dripping in judgement. i don’t think my assumption is too off base.
I’m with you on this one, CCyr, even though to someone under 40, I guess I’m "an older woman" and have often been told I’m judgmental (to which I reply, "How is that not your judgment of me?"). "Elitist" is another one I especially like, but I digress…
Just remember: Snarkyness isn’t limited to us old biddies. We just tend to be better at it.
Good luck with the tarantula. Try not to cook it with the heating pad. :)
Would you like me to guess your race based on my personal experience with certain races? Of course not, I’m sure. Fortunately I don’t keep a handy prejudice to throw out at people when they upset me.
Your assumption says a lot about what you think of women, older women, and anyone’s opinion but your own.
In my experience grownups don’t panic over spiders. What’ll you do if you wind up with a child who loves creepy-crawlies—try to pass on your phobias?
Older women often have a little more experience under our belts. Or did you think all advice columnists are twenty-something?