03/12/2010 12:00 am
Life
Dear Margo: When Invitations Are Seen as Invoices
When Invitations Are Seen as Invoices
Dear Margo: I recently accepted a position in a large office. I think it’s very nice that people want to express their good wishes for events in co-workers’ lives, but why do these people not understand the rules of good taste that accompany these situations? I have been invited to (and expected to attend and provide a gift for) "baby showers" for a co-worker’s second or third child. I have been invited to "wedding showers" where both parties have been divorced before (sometimes more than once) and I will not even be invited to the wedding.
I don’t wish to be coerced into buying gifts for people I know only on a professional basis. To me, these are personal events, and I feel these celebrations should be held outside of work. I have no problem with those who wish to express their good wishes on an individual basis, but I will not participate in this sort of "gift hounding." How do I let others know that not only will I not participate, but these types of "showers" are in poor taste? — Among the Unwilling
Dear Am: To the first part of your question — letting others know that you do not wish to participate — simply beg off by saying you don’t know X all that well, and that your own thinking about such galas is that they should be held in hotels or people’s homes. This will pretty much guarantee you the fish eye, seeing as how office showers are quite an established tradition. As for how you should let people know you find these celebrations in poor taste … well, you shouldn’t. Your job is not to be Miss Manners, and I am not even sure you are right. Perhaps when you’ve been there longer and have made some friends you will feel differently. Or not. — Margo, responsively
Trying to Right a Wrong
Dear Margo: My husband has only one sibling, an adopted brother who’s in his 40s. He is a great guy, with a good job, clean record, etc. He is also gay. My in-laws just found out a couple of years ago, when he told them. They were and are furious.
After some time, they began to treat him as they did before, but never mentioning his being gay or asking about his social life. The parents have redone their wills leaving everything to my husband, only because his brother is gay. They are very well off. This slap in the face to my b-i-l angers both my husband and me, but we cannot get them to budge. My b-i-l will be heartbroken, as he adores them both. We have no intention of leaving my b-i-l out when the time comes, but he will be very hurt by their intentions. What can we do to convince them to put him back in the will and make them realize how much their intended exclusion will hurt him? — Distressed
Dear Dis: I don’t know that you can make much headway, since their homophobia sounds quite strong, but at a propitious moment, you and your husband might sit down with them and try pointing out how hurt their other son will be. Money, of course, is many things, and one of them is emotional. Ask them to think of their son as they’ve known him for all these years, not merely in terms of his sexuality. As for "not leaving him out when the time comes," I know of such a case. A former husband was the sole beneficiary of a childless aunt who left everything to him. He thought this was incorrect and hurtful and volitionally shared the estate with his sister. You can do the same. — Margo, equally
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Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
COPYRIGHT 2010 MARGO HOWARD
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I worked for a very large airline for many years. I was always being asked to put money in for group gifts for showers, weddings, etc. The amount was usually 5.00 or under and since I knew everyone, I usually contributed. However, I always declined opportunities to buy cookware, jewelry or whatever. Unfortunately, it seems as though more and more people are expecting individual gifts and it becomes financially impossible to keep up. Perhaps she can suggest a collection for a group gift where everyone contributes a couple of bucks for a nice gift and a group card. This way, it won’t break the bank and it won’t cause unpleasantness. Now here comes the part where many will disagree with me. I never socialized with workmates outside of work. I learned a very valuable lesson at a very early age. I kept my work life separate from my homelife. I didn’t discuss my personal life with my work mates and I didn’t allow work to interfere with home life. Unfortunately, too many people tell too much about themselves at work. They fail to maintain professional boundaries and eventually it bites them in the backside. I was always polite and warm and only too happy to have coffee or lunch if time permitted, but I always kept topics to either work issues or cultural things or travel. People have to understand that if problems arise at work, your so-called best friend will always stab you in the back if the choice is to defend you or side with the company and keep their job. So my advice, is to decline any opportunity to mix outside work, and be polite but keep your distance and focus on work when you are at work and friends and family when you are not. Perhaps this letter writer has had a similar situation and finds herself loathe to become involved.
As for number 2, let the matter go. It isn’t your money yet, and who knows perhaps they will have an epithany, but chances are they won’t. Please keep to your plan to share with your B-I-L and understand there is nothing you can do to change their minds nor the ill-will their unkind gesture will provoke.
Lisa, I don’t disagree with you about not making friends at work. My problem is my mouth. LOL - I used to say I would just do my work and be friendly, but not "make friends". But I love to talk and I love people. So many of my good friends are people I met while I was working with them. I did try to be careful … I never told secrets at work. And I always got my work done on or ahead of schedule. But when I’d get caught up, or if someone would stop by my office, my "don’t make friends" resolve went right out the window. But, for me, it worked out well. I haven’t worked since 1990, and still have a lot of the friends I made at the office. As far as my friendships never interferring with work … did I handle it right, or was I just lucky? I have no idea. LOL
As far as the money and gift situation … I don’t think you’re ever obligated to give money or attend a function unless you want to. But I was always fortunate enough to work with people that didn’t press, and they didn’t record how much each person gave, or even if each person gave. Cards were passed around often and we could sign and give money, or just sign, or neither. And invitations were handled the same way. If it was a shower, or anything else where you were expected to give a gift, it was not held at the office. If it was someone’s birthday at work, there was always a cake (which the boss would usually provide), and then a collection taken up for those that wanted to give toward a present. When things are handled this way, I think it can actually be a good thing. But, IMO, never, under any circunstances, should anyone be pressured into giving anything at the office.
Perhaps she can suggest a collection for a group gift where everyone contributes a couple of bucks for a nice gift and a group card.
I agree. This is my preferred option. If 75 employees throw in a buck or two each, you’ve got a nice gift card.
LW1 needs to get off her high horse and view these occasions as an opportunity to socialize and earn some goodwill with her coworkers.
I’m not sure that she can gracefully abstain from these showers if she wants to foster good relationships. With the events happening at the office, her absence would be obvious. Better to bring a small gift and chalk it up as a cost of working there. Her sneering disdain for these "showers" (her quote marks, not mine) is not going to win her any friends. She’s absolutely wrong that every shower or wedding invite is "gift hounding." She likely was invited because her new coworkers didn’t want to snub her, even if she didn’t know the honorees very well yet.
Work showers are popular because coworkers want to honor the bride or groom, even if their wedding plans are limited to friends and family. Many hosts give showers for second, third or umpteenth children because they feel every child is special. In these cases, the best gifts are items that the new mom probably did not keep from her previous pregnancy. I’ve attended showers that specified "clothes only" because the new baby was the opposite sex from the first. I’ve also attended "Sip And See" parties for second babies where the invite specified "no gifts"; the event is only for the mom’s friends to meet the new baby *after* he/she arrives.
Letter writer #1 sounds like the sort of person I wouldn’t want to have lunch with.
I feel for letter writer #2. My husband and I were disowned and denied our inheritance because of our religious beliefs. It is indeed "not about the money". Although sharing the inheritance may help the brother in law feel better, nothing really salves the wounds completely when you are written off by family. I wish them the best.
Assuming that these showers are not held during lunch hours at your employer’s place of business , you are perfectly correct to send a response that you respectfully decline the invitation. You don’t need to offer a reason. As you are new to the office, I expect you were invited only out obligation to include everyone anyway. (I’m sure if they got to know you better they would invite you for your self). Miss Mannners may diisagree with me but as I understand it the only obligation one has when receiving an invitation to a wedding or a shower is to send a message to accept (and bring a gift) or decline (and send a gift if you want).
My husband’s firm always has young employees marrying or having babies and I am diligent about the RSVPs which ar mostly Regrets. First of all, the firm gives a generous gift (out of my husband’s share of the partnership) and second of all, the times I have sent a separate gift out of affection for the bride or groom’s parents, it has never been acknowledged.
Also, it is impolit to invit somone to a wedding shower and not to the wedding. So those of you co-workers who want to ask th whole world of work to the shower are really placing a burden on the bride or groom in question.
I’ve never minded the baby and wedding showers when I worked in offices or schools. What I hate is the "come to a party and bring your checkbook" type parties, where you’re expected to buy…..oh, let’s see: cookware, candles, baskets, cosmetics. As soon as you walk in you’re handed an order form. Then, you’ll be pestered to give a party yourself.
The worst was the scrapbook party, where I had to pay $15 up front to even attend. I was telling my friend that I was hoping to buy a serger sewing machine, because I love to sew. The lady running the party said, "Isn’t this more fun than sewing?"
Uh, no. Not for me. Having somebody drag out their scrapbooks is about as much fun for me as being invited over to see somebody’s vacation slides.
I could not agree more!!! My husband is a minister, and I have gotten TONS of these "party" invites over the years. They are horrible, horrible. When we were first married, I was talked into hosting one by a forceful member. Not many attended and I was young and foolish and felt bad so I spent a great deal of money to make it worth it for the presenter. Boy do I regret that! I also dislike that many bridal showers are now sales parties, where you bring a gift AND buy a kitchen gift or kitchen merchandise for yourself. But my worst party was one with baskets where I was the only one who showed up. I still shudder when I think of that one.
My husband thinks they are the worst kind of evil—preying on "friendship" in order to get things—you know how the hostess gets free gifts if her party makes so much, yada, yada. He has told me I can tell anyone inviting me to a direct sales party that he doesn’t allow me to go to them. If they don’t believe me, or try any more pressure, I send them to him and watch a normally mild-mannered, easy-going man get pretty passionate about his thoughts on the matter!
I hope you got your serger!
I could not agree more! And that extends to people who suddenly become your best friend in the whole wide world because they have joined some multilevel marketing scheme and want to suck you in too… Few things will more rapidly lower my esteem of a person than that.