02/10/2010 2:00 am
Life
He's History, You're Not – wOw's 'Divorce Doctor' to the Rescue: My Husband Is Abusive
Get answers to your divorce questions from author Erica Manfred.
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Editor’s Note: Erica Manfred, author of He’s History, You’re Not: Surviving Divorce After 40, is answering your questions about divorce — from how to deal with betrayal, to surviving the first year, to dating again, to finding a new career. Our "Divorce Doctor" looks forward to hearing from you. Leave your questions for Erica in the comments below or e-mail submit@wowOwow.com. For more advice from Erica, visit www.heshistory.com.
Rubylady7 Asks:
My marriage has been difficult since "Day 1" and there have been times when my husband has been downright abusive. Any physical threats or violence stopped when I had a restraining order served on him over a decade ago, with a few exceptions, but the mental and emotional abuse continues. We have been married for 18 years, and there are seven good reasons why I stayed — our children. Somehow I thought that I was modeling perseverance, commitment and loyalty to the covenant of marriage. I now realize that what I have been modeling is a willingness to be mistreated, disrespected, degraded and defrauded. Over the years, I have sought counseling from various professionals, but invariably every counselor would advise me to leave the marriage. Once they did, I opted to leave the counseling instead.
It seems like the light has finally gone on inside my head and I realize that No. 1, it is not my job to fix him; No. 2, I am not helping my children by allowing them to see their mother mistreated regularly; and No. 3, I am not in a healthy frame of mind anymore. When someone throws a full can of soda at your head and misses, then walks over and calmly pours the soda over your head because they didn’t like something you said, things are pretty bad. Can you believe it took me a while to figure that out? I actually thought that was progress. By the way, two of our children are grown, one leaves for college in five months, and the others are 16, 15 (disabled), 13 and 10.
Most of my friends are in complete agreement with my decision to leave the marriage finally, save one. She feels that my husband will act worse if I leave him. I am a little concerned about that myself, but something tells me that he just won’t bother and will skulk off alone to be a victim. He is not in agreement that we should separate and he wants me to think that I am hurting all of the children and disrupting everyone’s life to do this selfish thing. I have gotten over this sort of manipulation, but I worry about the children and how this will affect them. It appears that neither option is going to be easy, but would you agree that sooner rather than later is my best chance for ending this dysfunction? Please comment.
Erica Answers: What a sad, honest story. Thank you so much for sharing it with us. It is women like you who are brave enough to share their stories who help other abused women. I think you know what I’m going to tell you: You are only damned if you stay. You have answered your own questions and so have all your friends and the counselors you visited. The only question you haven’t answered is why you stayed in this marriage for so long and why you’re still there. You say you knew it was harming your kids to see you abused, degraded, mistreated, etc. So why are you so afraid to leave? What do you think will happen? Are you afraid you won’t be able to survive on your own?
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13 Reader Comments (so far…) Sign In or Register to comment
I have a different take on "Confused". It seems to me when someone starts having doubts about a relationship, they come up with all kinds of excuses for doubting it. But in reality, I think they know it’s not "the" long-term, forever thing they were hoping for. When something is right, you just know it. It feels right, and it shouldn’t make you feel bad. She sounds like she’s feeling bad … or rather guilty, because she says she can’t make them all happy. If she’s trying that hard to "make" them happy, I think there’s a serious problem. She needs to examine her feelings and try to figure out what’s bothering her about the relationship.
On the first letter, I think it’s great that this lady finally wised up to her abusive husband. She should not have to live like that, and her kids don’t need to see the abuse, or worse, end up being abused too. I’m just a bit confused as to why, after finally realizing she had to leave, is she still there. And why is she having to write for advice. I realize it will be difficult for her to make the break after so many years. But for her safety and that of her children, she needs to run from that man as fast as she can and never look back. If she has questions or needs help, she should get it AFTER she and her kids are gone. The longer she waits, the harder it will be. And while she’s dragging her feet, he could abuse the children, or even possibly take his abuse too far and actually kill her. It happens all the time.
erinmachniak: You’re probably right about that. It’s always hard to try and put yourself in someone else’s shoes when you’ve never been where they are. I just hope she finds a way to get out quickly before it gets worse.
And "AMEN" to the children breaking the cycle! I can’t imagine having to grow up watching my Dad abuse my Mom. Or even worse, being abused by my Dad!
I wish them all the best and hope they find peace and happiness away from this mad man.
Letter #1 is a truly awesome woman.
I have so much respect for women who are intelligent about their emotions. Everything she said as to why she stayed in her marriage and the reasons why she knows she should leave, come from a woman who is wise. My gut instinct when hearing a scenario such as hers would be to roll my eyes in frustration over the fact she is putting up with such nonsense.
But it is because she has clearly thought things out and understands why she is in the spot she is that will make it all that much easier for her to leave. With the support of other abused women, I really do believe she will be fine.
When a man who has told you he loves you, made a commitment of marriage to you before God and your loved ones…..when this man throws a soda can at your head AND THEN pours soda on your head…..that is not only a sign that he no longer respects and loves you, it is a sign to leave.
For #1:
The writer’s husband is physically abusive to her. When I read the letter, I felt that her concern with leaving was fear that his violence would escalate. This is wise. More women are killed by partners AFTER they leave or try to leave than are killed in an intact (using the term loosely) relationship.
This does not mean she shouldn’t leave but it does mean she needs to have a good plan to insure the safety of her self and her children. The local domestic violence shelter or agency should be able to help her with this.
Yes, she has to leave. She must. But she—and the children—will be at serious risk when she does.
Contact a Domestic Violence Organization and start planning your escape. There is no justification for abuse whether verbal, emotional, psychological and physical.) Violence escalates and can result in death. Don’t walk away! Run!
Those suffering abuse will survive. There are agencies that will help. We all deserve a life free of abuse at the hands of some ignorant insecure piece of feces.
LW#1 - I really do feel for this woman and I do understand the fear that comes along with an abusive relationship but I have to ask: knowing that this man was abusive from day 1, why on earth did you have 7 children with him? Did you think that having children would help your marriage? All it did was give you 7 excuses as to why you shouldn’t leave.
Get out of this marriage now! Talk to an attorney about your rights as well as a restraining order. The longer you stay in this marriage, the more your children are going to suffer. This is NOT a selfish decision. Quite the opposite actually. You need to take care of yourself and your children. Please do whatever is necessary.
LW#2 - Have to agree with Erica on this. How "special" could the bond to ex-hubby have been if he left her high and dry? She seems to be expecting something magical to happen. Honey, whether you’re waiting for fairy dust or someone to prose, and they lived happily ever after, please know that neither will happen. Are you happy when you’re with him? Does he treat you and your child with love and respect? Does he listen to you as well as your son? Stop waiting for some divine light to zap you. I can only conclude that you’re nervous of this commitment due to your past. Completely understandable but it’s time to let go and have fun. Also, stop trying to make everyone happy. You will only run yourself ragged trying to fulfill unrealistic expectations. Even in the best of relationships, no one is bouncing with joy 100% of the time. Stop setting yourself up to fail and enjoy life 1 day at a time.
I’ve been where Rubylady7 is, in a terrible marriage. The advice you gave her his right on. When I came out of my relationship, my thinking had been so skewed over the years, I didn’t know what healthy thinking sounded like. Getting into a group was a lifesaver for me. Since that time I’ve become involved in helping people understand what abuse is and how to help or find help. Since there was no book out there to help me heal, I’ve written a book for women who are working to pull their life back together. It’s called, But He’ll Change; End the Thinking that Keeps you in an Abusive Relationship. It is available through hazelden.org/bookstore as well as Amazon and Barnes & Noble’s sites. It will be on the bookshelves in your local stores March 1, 2010. It’s written by a survivor to survivors. Bless you in your journey.
I find it difficult to understand why a women would stay in an abusive marriage for so long. What is more surprising is why she would have children under these circumstances. Maybe I don’t understand the dynamics of relationships between men and women but if the marriage was bad to begin with, why bring 6 souls into the fray. There is more than the number of children that does not add up .
Women who try to "stick it out" are doing themselves a disservice and teaching their son’s and daughter’s that women are responsible for maintaing an intact family, no matter what the sacrifice to her mental, and physical health and safety. In addition, a husband may abuse his wife yet enjoy the comforts of a house, bed and the joys of fatherhood.
Am I missing something here?
Some of the opinions I hear expressed here are common in our society. They do not help the victim, they shame and blame her. This is not her shame, it’s his shame. When I interviewed therapists for my book, I asked them, “How does a victim forgive herself?” They all said the same thing, “She has nothing to forgive. She didn’t do anything wrong. This is not about her. It’s about him.” If he had treated her when they first met like he is treating her now, she would not be in this situation. These men know what to say and what to do to romance a women into this life. They have honed their style their whole life. They know how to pick a victim, and no she may not be just someone with low self-esteem who came from an abusive family. She may be a woman with a kind heart who trusted the man who professed to love her. The abuse grows over time. There are hooks and traps that keep her in the relationship. It is not for anyone to say if she should stay or leave. Only she can make that decision. But, she can become more informed and reach out for help. She can learn how to take back her power and when she is ready, leave in a safe manner. A victim is 70% more likely to be killed when she is trying to leave. It’s imperative that she have help.
One of the most asked questions that I hear when I speak is, “Why don’t women leave?” I can only answer that for myself. First, I didn’t leave because I loved him. I could see the pain in his life and I wanted to help him. Then I didn’t leave because he had brainwashed me into believing that I was a worthless, stupid woman who couldn’t do anything right. (You’ve heard of the Stockholm syndrome.) How was I going to care for my children and myself? He had me convinced that if I left, he would take my children away from me and I’d never see them again. Then I didn’t leave because he had a .357 Magnum. He never threatened me with it, but I knew it was there, loaded, in his drawer. I was afraid. Most women stay because they have fear instilled in them by their partner.
The best way we can help women caught in this trap, is to reach out to them. Let them know this is not their fault and they do not deserve to be treated this way. Get educated about the shelter and other support systems in your area. Let her know that when she is ready, you know where she can go for help. Check out ncadv.org for information about safety planning. It’s up to us to pay attention and to reach out if we suspect there is abuse going on in a co-worker or friend’s life. We can plant a seed that her life can change for the better. Or if she discloses the truth to us, point her to help.
@JVhunter. Of course you are right, the victim should never be blamed. I will only say this - if a woman is in an abusive relationship, she should guard against bringing helpless souls into it. For a mother, the love of the child needs to come first, not love for a man. If their mother will not protect them from harm, then who will?
In addition, we must counter the message that our society is sending to young girl’s - a woman’s only value is in her ability to be considered hot by men. Women have become slaves to a man’s definition of them and are therefore open to tolerating incremental abuse. One way of counteracting the societal message is to teach girls to be self-directed and to have a healthy respect for the person God made them to be. With that, they will demand the same from any man who comes into their sphere of influence. Manipulative and abusive men would not make the cut for suitable candidate’s for relationships.