07/18/2010 12:00 am
Life
Why Do Pets Get Better Press Than Children?
Writer Sybil Sage reacts to a New York magazine article on parenting and happiness.
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According to an article in New York magazine, a number of studies have revealed that parenting is not necessarily a source of happiness. Creating babies, therefore, may be something you shouldn’t try at home. Children, like Toyotas, appear to be a disappointment and may, in fact, find themselves being recalled.
In 2004, back when people still had jobs, a survey was done of 909 Texas working women. They ranked childcare sixteenth in pleasurability out of nineteen activities, behind housework, napping, exercising, preparing food, shopping and watching TV. I have to assume they don’t get the same programs we do on the East Coast. I wasn’t among those queried, but I got far more enjoyment from singing "Wheels on the Bus" to our son and participating in the process of his evolving into a competent young adult than I ever have on a treadmill. Given how parenting is perceived in Texas, one wonders about the popularity of the pro-life movement there. Toddlers would be well advised to hide their parents’ guns.
But these perceptions are not limited to Texas. Other studies claim that parents are more depressed than the childless and report that childcare is seen as drudgery. As a Hollywood scriptwriter, I had what is considered a glamorous career, yet I found being with my son far more compelling than watching rehearsals of "Growing Pains." Being a mother is the most important role I’ve had, the most challenging and rewarding. Parenting is dynamic, requiring repeated reassessing and revising, which keeps it fresh. Sure, having a child adds anxiety and stress, but that’s the case with anything you take seriously.
Dogs, ironically, continue to get good press and are credited with providing emotional support, particularly in difficult times. I’m baffled that pets are getting better press than children. My relationship with our Tibetan terrier was far from reciprocal. I did all the giving and caretaking with nary a thank you. Unlike our son, who learned to go to the bathroom by himself, the dog made it clear that the antique rug would suffer should I be selfish enough to go to dinner and a movie.
From the first touch of his tiny fist on my chest to today’s amusing instant message, my son has enhanced my appreciation of life. From him, I learned much of what I know about men, that I can’t persuade him or maybe anyone to use sunscreen, that there comes a time when backing off should replace being there, that teasing can be an expression of affection and that when my computer gives me trouble, I should reboot. Without him, life would be far less meaningful, my world would be smaller, I’d certainly not be as happy as I am and I’d be totally depending on Tech Support.
Editor’s note: Sybil Adelman Sage, one of the first women to break into television writing, is currently working on a fictitious memoir titled Diary of an Overachiever: Mensa Model Finishes First in NYC Marathon After Solving Economic Problems and Proposing Health Plan Praised by Democrats and Republicans Alike.
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I feel exactly as you do. I think the difference between raising a child and raising a pet is the "human" part. We can project so much more on a pet than on a child. There comes a time when that "human" individuality, we did not not/ could not respond to, comes back to us and asks us in words or deeds, "what the heck were you thinking?" Pets, especially dogs, will adapt a lot more easily, as on some level they always feel dependent on their owner. Children, on the other hand, generally speaking sooner or later grow out of their dependence, and in order for them to survive and thrive as a healthy person, they demand clarity, appropriate modeling and total honesty.
As the famous movie line of a narcissistic frustrated mother goes, "I should have never taught you how to speak!"
But kids learn how to speak. They speak in words and actions, and their language may be very different from our own, so we better start learning. I am of the school that you can train a dog, but you cannot train a person. In which case we might want to learn how they speak and start having a dialogue with them. If we do, and any time we do, as you pointed out in your writing, the rewards are immense, for them as well as for us. Before I had kids I never knew I could be such an annoying, self-righteous, intolerant person at times (more often than I’d like to admit) and still like myself. But as I grow up with my kids, I am learning that more and more.
Many among the childfree would take exception to your premise but, having heard so many people tell me over the years that they regret having children, I would say that these surveys are a fair reflection of how a lot of people feel. That doesn’t mean that everyone feels the same way but many do. It’s my opinion that some people put more effort and thought into buying a car than in having children. They don’t thoroughly consider the ramifications before jumping right in and, thus, dissatisfaction.
Comparing pets and children makes no sense to me. They are different beings and have different needs, psyches, potential. As for the "human" part, those who prefer animals to children would contradict you regarding their pets. Either way, one should recognize that a lot of parents are not all that enthralled with parenthood.
HauntedLady,
I love animals. I do not put more value on unconditionally loving a child vs a pet. Actually I feel pets also have a soul as much as humans. But they will not spend a lifetime wondering why their self-esteem is so low, why they hear voices in their heads, why they feel like killing themselves, and why the heck their needs are not being met. They need to understand, so they can grow. That is the "human" part I was referring to.
Let me take my argument a little further. It seems that there is an increased dissatisfaction with parenthood. So let’s look at it from a larger perspective. We are in a society that "knows" what needs to be done. We have a study, an approach, an answer, a remedy for everything. We are a fix it kinda people. Are you aware of the staggering increase in psychopathology in children, especially boys, which is often followed by prescription of medications. What does that mean really? These children can’t sit still, can’t adapt to a school environment, as previous generations did. They are combative, aggressive, will test every single demand placed on them. What does it mean?
Well here we are in a society telling us what is "normal" for a child’s behavior, which school is best to attend and proscribing all kind of appropriate parental interventions. Then if they do not adapt and do act out, we are told a bit of a medication might do the trick. I am being simplistic. But the pressure to do the "right thing" in our society comes from very out of touch prerogatives. We are bombarded with what we "should do" and sometimes lose touch with looking into what our instincts as mothers tells us, and really getting to know what our child needs.
Now for the people on the higher end of society, they have to maintain a certain persona, a certain decorum. The house/s need to look a certain way. The business meetings have to be kept regardless of child’s needs. The child has to adapt into that prestigious school regardless whether he/she really cares about it.
On the lower end of the societal ladder. The working parents or single mom is told in the public school, "there is something really wrong with Johnny, he can’t sit still." Never mind Johnny had to spend over 3 hours doing mindless work, then eat lunch and run around for 30 minutes to then be asked to sit again for another 3 hours doing more mindless work. So mom is told, test him, take him to a doctor, fix him. She has to take lots of time off from work to do so. Explain to her boss the situation, and possibly lose pay, maybe even look for childcare, if she has the funds. Or else stress abut it, and hope the medications Johnny is taking will kick in soon.
The convoluted point I am making and made countless of times here is this. Society tells us what a "good parent should do". Yet, the support that comes to provide good parenting is really quite misleading. The poorer often do not have the resources. Or the available resources may not address what the child really needs. We are not doing a very good job at that end. And for the higher end of society, the mentality that money, power, privileges, and getting ahead is all that counts is just as detrimental to tuning into one’s kids needs.
So pretty much at the moment, kids are not a very strong priority in our society, on all levels. This is not to say that there are no caring teachers, clinicians, parents and politicians. We all care, but caring shows itself in the doing.
If you have kids. It’s a lot of work. If you want kids to thrive in society, it is a lot of work on a collective level. Re-think, for instance, how this school system is not serving them. Re-think where the priorities are.
This is not to say, again, that if you have a pet, your love is any less than loving a child. Love is love. I am addressing the parenting dissatisfaction here. My question is, are we really willing to love and nurture our children, all of them, poor and rich? It seems like that is a lot of work for so many of us.
And as I said before, kids do talk back in more ways than one.
HauntedLady,
I love animals. I do not put more value on unconditionally loving a child vs a pet. Actually I feel pets also have a soul as much as humans. But they will not spend a lifetime wondering why their self-esteem is so low, why they hear voices in their heads, why they feel like killing themselves, and why the heck their needs are not being met. They need to understand, so they can grow. That is the "human" part I was referring to.
Let me take my argument a little further. It seems that there is an increased dissatisfaction with parenthood. So let’s look at it from a larger perspective. We are in a society that "knows" what needs to be done. We have a study, an approach, an answer, a remedy for everything. We are a fix it kinda people. Are you aware of the staggering increase in psychopathology in children, especially boys, which is often followed by prescription of medications. What does that mean really? These children can’t sit still, can’t adapt to a school environment, as previous generations did. They are combative, aggressive, will test every single demand placed on them. What does it mean?
Well here we are in a society telling us what is "normal" for a child’s behavior, which school is best to attend and proscribing all kind of appropriate parental interventions. Then if they do not adapt and do act out, we are told a bit of a medication might do the trick. I am being simplistic. But the pressure to do the "right thing" in our society comes from very out of touch prerogatives. We are bombarded with what we "should do" and sometimes lose touch with looking into what our instincts as mothers tells us, and really getting to know what our child needs.
Now for the people on the higher end of society, they have to maintain a certain persona, a certain decorum. The house/s need to look a certain way. The business meetings have to be kept regardless of child’s needs. The child has to adapt into that prestigious school regardless whether he/she really cares about it.
On the lower end of the societal ladder. The working parents or single mom is told in the public school, "there is something really wrong with Johnny, he can’t sit still." Never mind Johnny had to spend over 3 hours doing mindless work, then eat lunch and run around for 30 minutes to then be asked to sit again for another 3 hours doing more mindless work. So mom is told, test him, take him to a doctor, fix him. She has to take lots of time off from work to do so. Explain to her boss the situation, and possibly lose pay, maybe even look for childcare, if she has the funds. Or else stress abut it, and hope the medications Johnny is taking will kick in soon.
The convoluted point I am making and made countless of times here is this. Society tells us what a "good parent should do". Yet, the support that comes to provide good parenting is really quite misleading. The poorer often do not have the resources. Or the available resources may not address what the child really needs. We are not doing a very good job at that end. And for the higher end of society, the mentality that money, power, privileges, and getting ahead is all that counts is just as detrimental to tuning into one’s kids needs.
So pretty much at the moment, kids are not a very strong priority in our society, on all levels. This is not to say that there are no caring teachers, clinicians, parents and politicians. We all care, but caring shows itself in the doing.
If you have kids. It’s a lot of work. If you want kids to thrive in society, it is a lot of work on a collective level. Re-think, for instance, how this school system is not serving them. Re-think where the priorities are.
This is not to say, again, that if you have a pet, your love is any less than loving a child. Love is love. I am addressing the parenting dissatisfaction here. My question is, are we really willing to love and nurture our children, all of them, poor and rich? It seems like that is a lot of work for so many of us.
And as I said before, kids do talk back in more ways than one.
Maybe I wasn’t very clear in my previous post. I respect the right of parents to chose to be parents. If that’s the most rewarding, fulfilling thing in your life, great. In my opinion, you’re the kind of person who should have children because you care for them deeply and are willing to make the necessary sacrifices to bring those children to adulthood. But, unfortunately, there are a lot of parents out there who feel differently. I’m sure there are many reasons for it but that doesn’t change the fact some people are not happy with parenthood. I feel sorry for the kids because kids can pick up the undercurrents of adult behavior, though they usually don’t understand it. Personally, I feel that one needs to be brutally honest with oneself when deciding on whether to have children or not. Kids are a forever responsibility and if you aren’t 100% willing to take that on, don’t have them. A child deserves, more than anything, to be wanted for itself.
On another note, it seems to me that children and all things dealing with them are omnipresent these days. But, then, that’s just my perception. When I was a child, there was no where near the concern for children’s well-being, entertainment and comfort that there is now. Some I applaud, some not so much, but things are definitely better for kids now than a generation or two ago.
The concern for children’s well-being is present, and maybe even for their comfort and entertainment. From my experience a lot of what we have created has been also to feed other societal needs, apart from kids’ needs. Plainly said, it has fed a consumistic need to sell and make a profit. Not all of it is bad of course, some is useful. But if we go back to the need to be honest, I really wonder how much of this was motivated by children’s real needs as opposed to a societal need to keep a cunsumistic system oiled and running.
About things being better now than a generation or two ago. I hope you are right. I have to say I am really concerned about the increase in psychopathology in kids, as I said especially boys, the increase rate of teen-age suicide attempts, increase in ADHD diagnosis, increase in depression across child age groups and the increase in pervasive developmental disorders.
I really do envision us working as a whole with our concern for children first and the system facilitating such progress. Because you are right, a lot of people, whether they do or do not have kids, do care.
I agree we live in a materialistic society but it certainly isn’t the first and won’t be the last. Read up on the consumerism of the late Victorian period and you’ll see what I mean. A lot of the things we "must" have now had their roots in the mid to late nineteenth century.
I wonder if the psychological/emotional issues that plague so many kids now weren’t always there but not identified. I remember the "slow" kids in school who were actually dyslexic. And kids who were considered a little odd are now identified as autistic. The advantage in identifying a problem is that identification leads ultimately to resolution. When people are aware of a problem, they’re more likely to seek a solution. Don’t you ever wonder if Billy the Kid had had a kind and well-educated teacher or neighbor, maybe he would have had his "problem,’ whatever it was, identified and maybe treated? It’s tantalizing to think of what his life might have been.
Life is never simple at any age or at any time.
HauntedLady, people have written volumes about the issues of diagnosing and whether it is helpful or not. The initial motivation for identifying a cluster of symptoms that lead to a diagnosis is to help us understand what we are encountering and to give us a language to discuss it and to find a way to improve such condition. All well and good. This is very much following a medical model. This has in many cases helped immensely in finding and providing better treatment. And I have to say it has helped the most when the disorder is severe and persistent. I do not have much of a problem with identifying symptoms. Even though I could go on about what the repercussions of that can be if not done intelligently and with awareness. Mostly, I have a problem with medicating children to help them adopt to a school environment. As I really have doubts that the rapid increase of use of medications and ease which we use to medicate children is due to our increased ability to identify such psychopathology in children. I believe psyhcopathology has meaning only within the context in which it arises/ed. As I believe all of life, health as well as dis-ease is a dialogue.
This was a PBS report of some years ago. And things have not changed much. If anything they have worsened on a societal level.
"But it seems to me that the real problem may be that the concept of compulsory, cookie-cutter education needs rethinking. In spite of the rhetoric in schools of education about the importance of taking into account the individual needs of the children in a classroom, the current system of public education is designed to make that nearly impossible. State curriculum guidelines and requirements, coupled with further requirements from the local community, prevent teachers from making any serious effort to tailor materials and assignments to the differing abilities and dispositions of individual children. Nor is there any mechanism, of the sort one would find in a school-choice-based system of education, for parents to seek out schools tailored to the temperaments and capabilities of their children. Instead, it becomes necessary to find ways of making children able to perform in the environment as they find it. And, in late twentieth-century America, when it is difficult or inconvenient to change the environment, we don’t think twice about changing the brain of the person who has to live in it. The rise in consumption of Ritalin is only one manifestation of this cultural practice. Consider Prozac or, in previous decades, Valium"
http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/shows/medicating/readings/publicinterest.html
I don’t know that there’s an increased dissatisfaction with parenthood. I think there has always been dissatisfaction with it for many people (not all, but many), but saying so publically was taboo. And really, that is still the case today. Saying that parenting is dissatisfying reaps the response of "Oh, but if society would do better for parents than you’d be happier…" No, not necessairily. Some people simply are not meant to be parents, some people get no joy or pleasure out of it. The problem with society is that it tells people they should.
When someone doesn’t get that great pleasure and joy, they are told something is wrong with them and it’s the greatest thing ever to parent.
More than anything else, it would be helpful if people would recognize that not everyone wants to be a parent and that not everyone who is already a parent derives satisfaction from it. And you know what? That’s OK! People feel differently about things in their lives than others, We would all be better off if society said "Hey, make your own choices. Think carefully about what you want and don’t want and then act on that."When my daughter was teaching in VA she told me that every morning there was a long line of students waiting for the school nurse to dispense their ADD and other medicines. One student she was working with suddenly started crying. When she asked him what was wrong he said, "They’re going to be put me on my medicine again tomorrow and it makes me feel sleepy and I can’t concentrate. I don’t want to take that medicine any more.
Funny, there are self-help books by the thousands "out there" and they don’t seem to make a world of difference. The more we know the less we know.
I think the biggest problem is there is no structure any more - I worked part-time after my children were 4. I was always home when they got home - they’d come in the house to the lovely odor of homemade bread or cookies baking. I’d be there to ask about their day; to connect with them.
Still, there were myriad problems as they grew up but I put their needs first. I see my daughter, who is an exceptional mother, doing an excellent job but being so driven as a divorced mom, by a tremendously demanding job and trying to keep her children happy that there’s no time for her. I remember that feeling. I wouldn’t want to be raising children in today’s world.
Dear Pdrde, your daughter’s testimonial of that child telling how he feels about taking his medicine is heartbreaking and enraging to me. I have witnessed many, and one can’t help but think, "why are we doing this? Is this really necessary?" A friend of my son never grew past three feet in height (he is 15 now) and in hot weather would suffer the worst nose bleeds, which meant he could never really enjoy tennis, or the pool or soccer or any of those outdoor activities. Those are just some of the side effects, retarded growth as one of the many.
Before I became a mother I used to lead mothers’ support groups. When I became a mother I thought back and shuddered at the kind of "advice" I felt entitled to giving people. We really do not know until we walk the walk. I commend you for being there for your kids. As you said it is never easy, emotionally, financially and in so many ways. But now you can see how your daughter has learnt from you. It is important we remind ourselves and other mothers to take time off. Apart from my schooling, the schooling I got from my mother and grand-mother and other women in my life, reconnecting to me and to what "feels right" has been paramount to helping my kids. All the expert advise we have out there is helpful, but I really feel as women we need to connect to our instincts and intuition from a very clear and peaceful place. No expert advice can replace that. We know our children better than anybody else, if we can put our own fears aside and listen.
Thank you for your response Pdrde. Your daughter must have been a good teacher to that child. She heard him. She was there for him, in the same way you have been there for her.
Sybil I couldn’t agree with you more. My children gave me purpose, a reason to excel at work so I could give them what they needed and wanted. I enjoyed seeing their faces when they’d come home from school and I’d send them to their rooms (for no reason, but they still thought they were in trouble) and to hear the yells of happiness at the clothes laid out on their bed, or the new roller blades, or even a season’s pass to the amusement park.
I got more joy in my life doing for my children then in anything else I’ve done so far. When my son got married I went a little crazy with the crafts, I made candles for each table in crystal wine glasses, made them a pillow out of satin with their faces superimposed on it, made 2 garder belts (one to throw and one to keep) and didn’t tell them a thing about any of it, I had help from my daughter in laws Mom to keep her mind off those particular items. And they were thrilled, and I just stood there crying.
The day my daughter graduated from college I passed down the family ring, as was the tradition (came over from Scotland 125 yrs ago). It used to be at marriage, then High School graduation but by my time it was the first daughter to graduate from college got the ring, she’s not taken it off her finger excepts to ensure the stones were tight and cleaned.
None of that may sound like much to anyone else, but my kids have been the biggest and most important part of my adult life. I’ve had pets of all kind come and go, and even though I miss the ones who have moved on, they could never replace that hug at night or hearing your child says I love you Momma at the end of each phone call. I’ve two dogs and 1 cat right now, and their my best friends, we take care of each other. They know when I’m hurting and stick real close when it’s bad, and if I do go out to the store I have to take my Beagle with me or God knows what he’ll get into, lol. And I won’t give them up for the world, if I can’t find a place that allows pets when I move then I’ll keep looking until I do, because the four of us are a team.
Even when you interfere w/ our children’s lives and it irks them, you sit back and wait and if you did the right thing they thank you and if they still disagree with you, they still said they I love you Momma.
Children are for me what being a woman is about. Anyone can get a job, have a career, but not everyone can be a Mom/Dad. My mother was so messed up I don’t know how I made it out of that house sane. She rather have her beer and smokes then help me with anything. She’d take off for months on end leaving me and my older sibling alone with 3 younger siblings (10 yrs younger). I learned before the age of 15 how to be a Mom, so when I had my own children I didn’t need motherly advise, or guidance.
Nope in my book being a Mom no matter how hard it can be at times, or how great it can be, is the best, most important job I’ve ever had and the one that makes me the proudest.
In the last month my younger brother had some pretty serious surgery on his spine, we live 1200 miles away and I couldn’t be there physically for him, but I needed him to know I loved him and was concerned. I didn’t know if it was cool or not to send a guy flowers, but I did it anyway. I call him everyday to check on him and his family (3 little toe head boys, ranging from 9-2 and my sister-in-law), feeling like I needed to be his Mom again (ours passed in 06) so I put together a salvage box (to salvage his sanity from being home alone with those three while his wife was at work), and my nephew (9) got on the phone for the first time (with me) and talked non-stop and told me everything a little boy has to say. I knew money was tight cos workman’s comp isn’t really that much help, it’s more a hassle then a help, so I paid the electric bill for them, and even though I don’t have a lot financially to give, I needed to help him, to ease the emotional stress (of financial worry) so he could heal.
It’s when I realized he was more like a son then a brother. The things we did when he was young, the football games we went to, museums, movies, Niagara falls (I’m from that area). And then after thinking about it all I cried for hours for him, because we have two sisters right there w/in 15 miles and they’ve not called, offered to help, come over and lend a hand, nothing. He had it drilled in him by his (abusive) father that men don’t cry, but we cried together, and then we laughed and I knew in my heart he was going to be okay, that even if were separated by miles were still together in our hearts.
And that’s exactly the same way I feel about my children, in exactly 2 wks they are moving me back (home as they call it) to VA to be closer to them due to my own health issues.
Being a Mom to my children, my younger siblings, is WONDERFUL. Now dam it make me a Nanna :)
I encourage everyone, if interested in this subject, to read the article in New York magazine that Sybil offers the link to. The beginning paragraphs illustrate a parent that clearly has lost control of handling her child.
I found the Scandinavian study interesting:
"One of the things he [person doing this study] noticed is that countries with stronger welfare systems produce more children—and happier parents.
Of course, this should not be a surprise. If you are no longer fretting about spending too little time with your children after they’re born (because you have a year of paid maternity leave), if you’re no longer anxious about finding affordable child care once you go back to work (because the state subsidizes it), if you’re no longer wondering how to pay for your children’s education and health care (because they’re free)—well, it stands to reason that your own mental health would improve. When Kahneman and his colleagues did another version of his survey of working women, this time comparing those in Columbus, Ohio, to those in Rennes, France, the French sample enjoyed child care a good deal more than its American counterpart. “We’ve put all this energy into being perfect parents,” says Judith Warner, author of Perfect Madness: Motherhood in the Age of Anxiety, “instead of political change that would make family life better.”
Earlier this week on this site a question was posed to us regarding the one moment in our lives that we cherish the most. Of course most came up with many moments, but I was intrigued by how many––more than half, I believe––remembered the joy they got from their child/ children/ grandchildren.
My thanks to Sybil for once again introducing a subject that is as complicated as it is interesting.