03/05/2010 2:00 am
Life
Love in the Time of Viagra Part 3: 'Can't You Just Say Yes or No?' by Sara Davidson
Our writer boots Billy the Bad ... then changes her mind.
Editor’s Note: Sara Davidson, author of the bestselling books Loose Change and Leap!: What Will We Do with the Rest of Our Lives?, has contributed articles to The New York Times Magazine, Newsweek, Harper’s, O the Oprah Magazine and Rolling Stone. She’s written and produced TV dramas and in 1994 was nominated for a Golden Globe for her work on "Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman." Sara now lives in Colorado. Visit Sara’s website by clicking here.
Billy showed up at my house the day before Valentine’s Day. It had been a month since my ski wreck, I was still black and blue, strapped in a brace and unable to sit up for more than 30 minutes without pain.For previous posts in the Love in the Time of Viagra series, click here.
There’d been no communication for weeks and Billy was completely off my radar when a strange e-mail arrived:
"Dear Sara. The indications are very strong that we shall move in a few days, and, lest I should not be able to write you again, I feel impelled to write a few lines that may fall under your eye when I am no more. If I do not return, never forget how much I loved you. Nor that when my last breath escapes me, it will whisper your name."
What the – ?
It turned out to be a letter written by a soldier during the Civil War, who was going into battle and writing his wife, Sara, to say good-bye. At the end of the letter, Billy from Lone Tree, CO, wrote, "I’ll pick you up at 6 PM on February 13 and have you back home no later than midnight. Just send directions. Billy."
I e-mailed back: "I must say I got scared till I figured out this letter was from someone else to someone else. You’re the romantic, that’s for certain. I’ve been feeling poorly, no energy, pain in shoulders and neck pretty constant, and not good news from dr. I see him again tomorrow for more x-rays and news. Let’s talk after that, if you’d like."
He shot back an e-mail saying: "Can’t you just say yes or no to a date without talking to a doctor? I’m offering you six hours of thinking about something other than yourself. I really don’t know if you can do that! You are not in the worst physical condition of anyone with a broken collarbone. Quit feeling sorry for yourself. Your life is nothing more than an outcome of all the decisions YOU have made, including tonight. I wanted to see you, I wanted to know you, before I heard your tepid, vague, inconclusive response. Do you always have to control with procrastination? Are you capable of answering a single question? Do you want to see me? Yes or No?"
I was surprised at how enraged this e-mail made me. I didn’t care about the man, I thought he was nuts, and presumptuous, and in need of anger management. There’s no way, I thought, any human being could respond to such an e-mail other than saying "No," which I did.
Then came the final e-mail: "I’m sorry to learn of your decision but pleased you’ve made things clear. My e-mail that offended you was not hostile, as you suggested. It was blunt and provocative. I would rather push you to hot or cold than linger forever in tepid. Since last November, you’ve been constantly making excuses, telling me:
Wait till I finish this article
Wait till I get back from California
Wait till after Christmas
Wait till my ‘friend’ and ex-lover leaves
Wait till I am healed.
"I didn’t like being left dangling as a remote possibility for you and didn’t want that anymore.
I would have quit dating anyone else to explore our possibilities.
I would have cared for you after your injury.
I would have introduced you to my children.
Without any hostility, only disappointment and best wishes and a prayer for your healing and happiness, with love, Good-bye. Billy."
I should have left it at that. But I re-read his e-mails and thought, "He does have a point." I did put him off for months before meeting him, then came the ski wreck and I put him off again.
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I honestly don’t get the whole "bad boy" scenario. Once I met a guy, through friends, who started crying, as if on cue, about needing money and seeing his PO. I recall, vividly, saying, "Why are you crying about the Post Office?"
It turned out he needed money to avoid being put in prison, and PO meant his Parole Officer. He made fun of me for not knowing PO meant that.
I ran. So fast you could see the cartoon streaks, I ran.
I don’t need to know that stuff unless I am in jury duty. Buh-bye bad boy.
"I ran. So fast you could see the cartoon streaks"
This is so full of win!
~ He gave me a lithograph that a Western artist had drawn of Billy in his 20s. In between the lines of the drawing, Billy had written in tiny print you had to stare at closely to read: "I wish I’d kept you awake for more than one night." ~
He certainly is the typical bad boy. He went too far, and she insinuated she was going to say goodbye to him in person. Well, we all know you don’t have to be eye-to-eye to say goodbye. And he knew that, too. But just to be sure she would melt in his arms again, he pulled the ole "unexpected, intimate, drive-you-crazy gift" trick. (Not to mention the fact that he probably had lots of copies of that same picture with that same note written on every one of them.) Those bad boys get away with the bad behavior because when their behavior is good, it’s oh-so-good! They know just what to do, at just the right time, to make you forget all about that little word "no". LOL
OMG…. women… we are soooo predictable. And Billy might be bad but he sure aint stupid.
Sara, I’m with the other Wow women on this. Billy is a jerk, you were right to be enraged by his email, and Claire is right to be dubious. Even if he has a point about your putting him off before with other excuses, I think your physical injury trumps his little hurt feelings. First, Dr. Billy has no business assuming that an injured person is up for six hours of fun, nor comparing your injuries to those of other people he has known. And notice how he was in control of those six hours. He will pick you up in his car, and does not even tell you where you are going or what the big plan is. No consideration for the fact that you were in pain at the time. Never mind that even in the best of health, I would not let a guy basically kidnap me like that for a mystery date. It’s a control thing.
He’s hot, you have chemistry (Get over it! It’s just pheromones!), you think a relationship might be fun and torrid and passionate. Well, in his case, those highs will come with the most abysmal lows, and the lows won’t be worth it.