03/12/2010 2:00 am
Life
Love in the Time of Viagra Part 5: Valentine's Day Massacre, by Sara Davidson
Our writer makes a preemptive strike.
Many of you have been asking why, after dismissing Billy twice, I opened the door again. Why did I cave, when I knew with every fiber of my being that it was unhealthy? Please understand: My behavior was not rational. I was in the grip of an addiction. Looking back, I see the absurdity, the madness, but at the time all I was aware of was: I have to have this guy. I’m laying it all out here in order to understand it and make sure that I – and others – will not have to do this again.
For previous posts in the Love in the Time of Viagra series, click here.
The day after Billy visited me in Boulder was Valentine’s Day. He called and asked if he could bring me lunch and anything else I needed. I said the dimmer in my kitchen was broken. "I’ll pick one up," he said. "I can fix anything electrical." He added, "I’m supposed to have a date for the opening of the film festival tonight, but it’s snowing and my date won’t drive in the snow. Are you free, if she can’t make it?"
"I wish I could go, but I can’t sit up for two hours without pain."
He arrived bearing chicken soup and a bouquet of red roses for V-day. He replaced the broken dimmer in five minutes, and as I watched him fix it with ease and assurance, I had a repeat of the couch moment at the Grizzly Rose.
After lunch we sat down in two cozy, overstuffed swivel chairs in my living room. "What are we doing here?" he asked.
"Good question. I’m feeling a strong connection with you now, and maybe it’s too late," I said. "If I hadn’t broken my collarbone, I would have driven down to see you and who knows where we’d be now."
He nodded, saying he felt the same connection. "It’s confusing. After you said no to me, I set up dates with three other women in Boulder that I met online. Now, there’s good news and bad news. I met the first woman this morning and" – he wrinkled his nose – "no chemistry."
"And the bad news?" I asked.
"My second date – the one for tonight – won’t drive in the snow. But," He smiled sheepishly. "It’s stopped snowing."
The irony was that we’d switched positions. For months, he’d wanted to date me exclusively and I’d put him off. Now, I was ready to go for it and he had three in the air besides me and wanted to get to know them all.
So off he went to the festival, and the next day, he called and asked if he could bring lunch again. I was working on a TV script, so he went shopping and, without consulting me, chose things I love: ravioli with goat cheese and asparagus, flourless chocolate cake and a bottle of champagne. Sipping it, we settled in to the same cozy chairs again and the electricity was mighty.
He said his date the night before "went well. Better than I expected."
I asked what her name is. Maybe I know her.
Kitten Rourke.
"Kitten?!" I said. "Sounds like a stripper."
"She’s a lawyer, and writes adventure novels."
I fell silent.
"Don’t shut down," he said. "Keep talking with me."
"It feels like you’re running a competition, and I’m not up for that," I said. "I prefer to date one person at a time."
"So do I," he said. "But things are changing so fast." He’d thought I was a cold bitch who was jerking him around and just seeing him to break up in person.
"Do you think that now?" I asked.
"No."
I’d thought he was nuts, angry, too much trouble. But the past couple days, he’d been easygoing, willing to talk honestly about anything, and he challenged me when I fell quiet. I like being challenged, and we were constantly laughing. The laughter and honesty felt intimate and maddeningly arousing.
He said he wasn’t sleeping with any of the women, and wouldn’t do that with more than one at a time.
"So pick one of us," I suggested. But he wasn’t ready to do that. "I didn’t expect to have this pressure on me to make a choice this weekend. I just came here for a vacation and to date some women."
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Why would you sleep with a man that’s dating other women? And why would you believe him when he says he won’t sleep with the other 2 … especially when the man is a "Billy the Bad"? I can understand getting swept up in the moment, and listening to your body rather than your mind (which is never a good idea). But if he’s dating other people, don’t let it go so far that your body gives you anything to listen to. The minute he said he was dating other women, especially saying one of the dates went better than expected, I would have kept things very casual. It’s okay to go out with somebody who is dating other people. But ….. "going out with" and "sleeping with" are 2 different things. And condoms do break. There are times when, no matter what your body is saying, you have to be able to listen to your mind … especially when it comes to your safety and health. And sharing a man’s body with other women is not safe, healthy, or smart. Taking a chance on love and getting your heart broken is one thing. But taking a chance on your health sounds like not having a mind to listen to.
MariaM, thank you so much. But I’m afraid I’m not worthy of such praise. Instead of being smart, it’s more like been there, done that … and hopefully learned from my mistake. I, like you, dated a Billy the Bad. In my younger years, for some reason, I loved the bad boys. (Nothing serious in their background like prison, or anything. Just the regular ole, rebellious "bad boy" who didn’t play by the rules.) But I took it to a whole new level … I actually married one. LOL - Yes, I really did. Needless to say, it did not work out. LOL He was so much like this Billy! IMO, those guys are interested in one thing and one thing only … the "chase". But if you ever let them catch you, game over and on to the next game. To prove my point, we married, and it wasn’t long before he was pulling those "Billy’s". So I finally had enough. I packed my bags, rented a house, and moved out. Well, that wasn’t what he wanted either. He wanted me … but he also wanted everything and anything else he decided looked good. But I stood my ground and filed for divorce. Well, "game on" again. He probably could have been arrested for stalking me if it was today. He could not stand the idea that I didn’t want hiim, and that he couldn’t have me. And I kid you not … this went on for years after the divorce. The ego seems to be a lot bigger than the mind, for those BtB’s. :)
As far as the safety/health issues, that’s just common sense. I’m lucky I got away from that one "healthy". That was before Aids, but the rest have been around forever. So I’m just counting my blessings that I’m now happily divorced. Granted, the bad boys still catch my eye to this day. But not long after that, my mind takes over, thank God! :)
Thank you for your reply BittsC. I feel that everything you’ve said about relationships with "BB’s" is "totally on point" and rings with so much truth. I am very sorry that you married a BB; but very glad that you got out of the marriage to move on to a more happy and sane place. In my 20’s and early 30’s, I tried to have "relationships" with a string of BB’s, only to end up feeling much like Sara. The sexual attractions and chemistry were a very, very powerful draw and "bond". But the frustration of trying to get real love out of these cold, self-absorbed, and psychologically dysfunctional guys — and the pain being pushed away and disrespected — finally outweighed the pleasure and caused me to "wise up", for the most part. I say "for the most part" b/c a recent dating experience has shown me that I still have a hard time recognizing the BB’s as soon as I should. But like one of the women on this blog said, remember the words of Maya Angelou — "When someone shows you who they are, believe them". I would add, "and run the other way". It’s ironic, b/c I ended up seeking out and marrying the exact opposite type of man — one who was very stable, reliable, with sufficient chemistry (but not that intense, whacked-out crazy kind) and really, a little boring (but that was an OK trade-off for me, after all the bad boys.) The marriage lasted about 16 yrs. I quit my high-powered, high status job, in order to stay home and be a Mom and to take care of some significant health issues I was having; and guess what? My husband de-valued me in my new role, completely lost interest and decided he "didn’t love me" anymore. That threw me into a serious depression. But thanks to the support of many good friends and a lot of "self-therapy" and a focus on healing; I am recovering and rebuilding my life and my self esteem. Thank you, again, BittsC and other ladies participating in this blog for sharing your wisdom and experience. And, I especially thank Sara for writing her story, and for being so open and honest, and getting this discussion going. I sincerely appreciate all of you!
The title of this needs to be "every woman’s story throughout all of time". It never cracks me up how when we’re in the moment of something like these we feel so unique and sexy and like no one before us or after us will feel like this. You know… sort of like your pre-requesitie part of your growth and development married man in his thirties when you’re a woman in your twenties? Every woman has one and every woman has a Billy the Bad or two or three or four. Not every woman follows through on the prerequisite married man whose only there because of his kids and whose wife doesn’t understand him and won’t have sex with him.Poor poor guy. And not every woman follows through on the Billy the Bad. But a super duper lot of us do.
So don’t beat yourself up for the why’s woman. It is what it is. And we all may be asking but that’s just to have something to say. Most of us know the answer.
Now for my real comment… It’s a huge joke between me and my girlfriends about how you have to tell every single guy you ever sleep with that he was "the best". what IS that? They all want to know where they are in the race…
"Every woman has one and every woman has a Billy the Bad or two or three or four"? Sorry, Don’t agree. You seem to think every woman is attracted to "bad boys", has a thing for a married man, gets attracted for the wrong reason. That hasn’t been true for me and I would wager for lots of other women. I do see a lot of that behavior and some times I think it proliferates because of this attitude of what can you do…I’m just attracted to bad boys, …I’m just going through a learning process and all of us desire a married man …I just can’t help myself.
Get a grip!
Hi ChromeToe. I have to disagree with us knowing the why’s but we just had to have something to say. I do understand the why’s of dating a bad boy. Been there, done that … more than once. But I don’t understand the why’s of sleeping with a man that has told you he’s dating two other women, and the date he had the night before went "better than he expected". I need to go back and read the article again. But if I’m not mistaken, he told her all of this way before she slept with him. In fact, didn’t she ask him to choose and he said he wasn’t prepared to? And then she still slept with him? No, I don’t understand that at all. Just for argument’s sake, let’s take the moral issue out. What about the health risks? She had plenty of time to keep things on a casual note and not let anything get started after he said those things. But, that’s just me. If I was insanely attracted to him, I’d have probably asked him to leave rather than take the chance of giving my body time to let me lose control after hearing what he told her.
I do agree whole-heartedly with you on men wanting to know how good they were, and were they the best you’ve ever had. What’s up with that? LOL It’s really kind of comical. I bet if they were told they were awful, and they were, in fact, the worst you’ve ever had, they’d quit asking the question. Or maybe just a little smirk and a chuckle in reply would do the trick. Like Billy prancing around the bedroom saying "I’m no. 1!" LOL How pityful is his over-grown ego??? Here’s a hint, guys: If you honestly couldn’t tell whether or not she enjoyed it, then chances are you shouldn’t ask the question … not if you want the truth. LOL